Does anyone feel like abdl was broat on from being molested as a child

After being molested at a young age I started putting my moms pads in my underwear not long after sodomy started after 7 years of it it finally ended but the crave of having something in me then putting on diapers seem normal I don't need anything in me but i still enjoy it. At the same time I'm addicted to wearing the diapers the thicker the better sometimes 5 or 6 at a time. I don't know why but it makes me feel special &ashamed at the same time cause I want a relationship and don't know how to communicate about my fetish or as most would see it as a sickness