The sense of discovery and wonderment, the sensations of new feelings and experiences, and the internal afterglow and sense of lightness that they seemed to create. I don't miss trying to interpret "what it means" and not knowing that I could actually ask and be asked to do something rather than trying to figure it out through mind-reading. When I met my first wife, I was a sexual neophyte (certainly compared to her), she was really good at asking or showing me what she wanted rather than waiting for me to figure it out on my own.
I also the miss finding the difference between "book-knowledge" and actual experience. Analogous experiences are like learning how to ride a bicycle or learning how to ski on snow. You can read how to do that but it gives you nothing about what the experience is like to find balance and ride a bicycle or what it is like the very first time you do more than stand up and kind of point skis in a certain direction, but you actually get the sensation of turning or carving a turn through a ski.
It was also the fun of some of the surprises (and sometimes the fun of the awkwardness). For example, the very first women I got serious about and fell in love with exemplified the sort of sexual surprise (and awkwardness) of inexperienced sexual partners.
We met through our mutually shared musical interests and immediately "clicked." After we met, we carried on a relationship that was primarily limited to weekends because of where we lived and went to school. Our initial sexual forays were pretty limited and actually a bit disjointed as each of us tried to figure out what we wanted to do with these feelings that we had and these limited weekends spending time together. She was fine with cuddling and exploring with touch but then she'd be "hot" and then go "cold." And although I never insisted that we'd commit to a sexual relationship and was willing to give her a lot of sexual space, it was frustrating to see that sort of back and forth that I experienced. In that limited time and context, we never got totally naked in front of each other or had intercourse. Still, we maintained a level of relationship, communication and sexual tension. We were both probably more focused on our collegiate studies though we toyed with the idea of what a future together might look like.
Due to unforeseen circumstances in my family, I was unexpectedly staying in the town where she was going to school. We had not seen each other in a while even though we had remained in contact. I let her know what was going on in my family and where I was staying In addition to going to classes, she also had a part-time job, so getting together was also limited by that. And because of resident hall rules, going back to her place wasn't an option. But we did go back so she could change clothes and we could go somewhere else to talk. I followed her car to the place she wanted to go but her first option fell through. Instead, we ended up going back to where I was staying.
When we got to the hotel, we spent a long time just talking with each other. Since she and I had nothing pressing in the morning there wasn't a real time limiting factor for either of us. She did have to leave to drive a couple of hours to her parents home for a party (I was invited since I was in the area) but she didn't have to leave until midday. The television was on in the background and eventually the various stations went to sign-off (well before the days of 24-hour broadcasting or widespread cable service). We continued to talk through the early morning hours. Eventually, we were both getting tired and a bit talked-out for the moment. I offered to follow her back to her residence to make sure she got back safely. She wanted to spend the night with me. That was a surprise.
As I said, this had been a hot and cold relationship, so I was going to follow her lead, She went to the bathroom and then came out and undressed herself down to her black panties and crawled into bed. I followed suit. I crawled into bed from the other side and snuggled up next to her. There was small chit chat and some kissing and stroking. We eventually spooned beside each other with my erect cock pressed up against her through two layers. We drifted off to sleep, curled up next to each other.
We were awakened by a knock on the door by housekeeping. It was late in the morning and checkout was a little more than an hour away when housekeeping knocked on the door. This woman that I had maintained this long distance on-and-off relationship with had things to do and to pickup before leaving for her parents house for the party and time was running short for us. I suggested that I could grab a quick shower, pack, checkout and then follow her to the places she needed to go before leaving for her parents. Or, she could go on and I could meet her at her residence hall, somewhere on campus, or wherever she wanted to meet up again. She said she'd stay and wait.
I went into the bathroom and got started taking a shower. I was washing my hair, faced towards the front of the shower, when I heard the shower curtain being pulled open. I was surprised but didn't spin around. She stepped into the shower behind me, pulled the shower curtain closed, and wrapped her arms around me and pulled her and I together against my back. I continued to wash my hair and the rinse, but nearly instantly went erect. When rinsing the back of my head, I turned to face her. Her eyes went wide as she looked at my erect penis, said my name and three other words that I'll never forget..."Oh my God!" I told her it was mine, I grew it and I'm proud of it.
You've seen my pictures. A younger version of myself was a bit larger and more erect than I am now. And although she had felt me erect either with her hands or pressed up against her, her first time visual experience of me was an "eye-opener." Time was short but we had a very sensual shower together (a first, but not the last) as we washed each other off and dried each other. I enjoyed the particular care she took in washing, drying and fondling me. We got dressed, I checked out of the hotel and we went so she could pick up what she needed. We drove several hours to her parents house, stopping a couple of times along the way. There was a palpable sexual spark between us, when we arrived at her parents home. To her siblings and their spouses, to her parents, and to others that knew we had dated off and on over the previous couple of years, it probably looked like our relationship was "on" once again. To those who didn't know, it looked like we were very, very close and once again we were.
In the ensuing weeks when we could visit together, we spent lots of time naked together exploring each other. Once my family crisis had passed and we returned to something approaching our normal lives, our time together became spaced to approximately monthly. Still, there was lots of warmth between us and we seemed like we could hardly wait to see each other and be with each other.
Eventually the relationship went back to "cold" very, very suddenly and we went on to separate lives (though we are still friends). No fireworks or anger, just a sudden change in direction as I wondered what had happened. I could feel it the last time I visited with her and it wasn't just her, it was some of her friends and dorm mates.
But it is that reaction, that surprise in discovery in the shower and all that it entailed that I miss from my younger days.