I'm new to the Mistress role and would like some advice please

I've done some play dom and sub stuff over the years but now have a new friend through a NSA website. Having met a few times and exchanged a bunch of messages (we live apart as both have domestic commitments), he now wants to be my slave. I'm happy to be the Mistress but have two questions (and welcome answers to any more that you can think of!). First, we are alternating Dom Sub messages (using Mistress/Slave titles) with work and home related messages (using our names, to keep them separate). This seems to be OK but does anyone have any experience of maintaining this dual role long term? Secondly, he wants to be beaten hard (not seen him since he came 'out' as a slave). He has terrible pressures in his life and I can understand him wanting the release. He has a safeword but I feel I need to make him sob (for his sake - I'm no sadist) to give him release which might mean cautiously ignoring his use of a safeword. Any tips on how to judge this?

There is no point whatsoever in agreeing a Safe Word if it is going to be ignored!

If you ignore a predetermined safe word, you are not a mistress, you are a sadist.

Well, I'm sorry that you think I'm a sadist. I don't think I am and it was a serious question. I wasn't talking about a punishment but someone asking to be hit hard and then perhaps backing off and feeling bad afterwards that they had. I have given him amber and red, and thought that, if the situation arose, I would talk to him about how he was feeling and either start again in a while, softer, or do something else. I really want him to have the release that he seems to need.

Please don't ask a question if you think you won't like the answer!

You are damaging everyones perception of what a Safe Word is. It is to be observed - not ignored!

Speaking as a sub, you can push his limits, but you need to know him well enough to judge how far is far enough. If you misjudge that, then he gets to use his safe word at either level. This could be the amber level (I have yellow) meaning "Hang on a moment, this isn't right and we need to regroup" or red meaning "STOP EVERYTHING NOW." I have used both, yellow a few times and red only once in almost three years. With my Dom (and many, if not most, that I know or know of), the lesser level lets us talk a moment and adjust what's happening. It may or may not stop the particular play. Red stops everything, and even after talking out what the problem was we do not start again at that point.

Safe words involve trust between the Dom/me and sub. The Dom/me has to trust that the sub is not going to use a safe word haphazardly (which is why the red level usually halts all play). The sub has to trust that the Dom/me will respect the use of the safe word. If the sub misuses the safe word, the sub is out of line and should reassess being a sub or at least whether the sub's desires and needs match that of the Dominant. If the Dominant is going to ignore the safe word, cautiously or not, the Dominant has no business being in that role with that sub or any other because of the physical, mental and emotional damage that can result. I suspect there's also the chance that if a Dominant ignored a safe word and truly hurt the sub, He/She could be charged with some sort of assault depending on what the situation was.

I have never been in a Master/slave relationship but I live in a real life relationship where in our day to day life our fetish is lived out. We use the safe words of yellow for slow down a minute, lets talk about this and red for stop and have a serious conversation.

As for advice to your question it is your job as a Master to KNOW your slave well enough to read your slave's body language and voice cues so that when you play, you won't get into a situation where the safeword needs to be used but with that being said you can NEVER ignore the safeword should it be used. When in a relationship such as this it means that both of you trust the other to listen and to be willing to do what must be done to play it safe. Remember that you are responsible for your actions and that playing it safe should be your number ONE goal always!!

I have to agree with BigK here. There is no sense in a safeword if it is ignored. The safeword is supposed to be the final word in the sub's ability to tolerate the activities.

You might use the red/yellow/green method if he just wants to slow down a bit. Alternatively you can talk to him while you are beating the shit out of him and see how his voice sounds and what he says to you.

YOU OBVIOUSLY ARE NEW to the mistress role, and I suggest you do A LOT of reading on the matter of dominant/submissive interactions.

I don't see how you can have a mistress slave relationship if you aren't physically together.

Does his wife know the two of you have this relationship? It's going to be awfully hard to hide when he comes home with swelling and black and blue marks. My husband and I have only been able to do that when our daughters, now 16 and 19 were younger and went to sleep-away camp for the summer. I can't say either of us have had a good caning or paddling in a while. The screaming [literally] is hard to hide when the children are home. The screaming is easier to deal with now since the older one is in college and the younger is out a lot but we would still have to hide any bruises which isn't easy when we walk around the house with little if any clothing.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MVnznrOqXVE

I believe that respecting safe words is paramount and so do all responsible Dominants. I remember an incident in camp a couple of years ago where a Dominant failed to respect the safe word and continued play to the point where a Dungeon Master told him to stop.

The Dominant chose to continue play, and he was stopped by several people (both Dominants and submissives) and then was told to leave camp!

Not only did he have to leave camp, but later word was passed to all subs in his area that he was not to be trusted since he showed blatant disregard for safety rules!

No please not.Never ever ignore the safe word,if you do you destroy your relation,the trust he has.Study his mind to find more about his needs.

Good luck.All the best

SAFE word is a MUST, however,I also request SAFE ACTION in case I am gagged and can't speak. This being an object placed in my hand(keys,pill bottle etc...) IF dropped play is STOPPED!!! TRUST is a must before I let anyone begin to play with me, and HARD limits TOTALLY understood!!!

I wish you luck, but I agree does his spouse know?? Because some bruises are bound to show up. I wish you the best!!! Any kind of D/s relationship is great!!

I always use a safe word in the beginning of a new relationship until I get to know my partners tolerance levels which I NEVER exceed without the safe word. The fun is for her to plead and say no but until she uses the safe word I may or may not go ahead. One game I like to play to be nasty is to warn my partner that if she uses the safe word she will have to endure an enema. With some partners they actually try to hold off to please me. With other partners I have to determine whether they are purposely using the safe word to endure the so called consequence. lol However it is al in good fun as I am not a sadist but a "top". Finally the safe is sacred! When my partner uses it I stop IMMEDIATELY. I also like to use amber for her to let me know it is getting a little too intense for her.

A safe word is a safe word - or it is meaningless. It STOPS whatever is going on, NOW. As others have commented, there are intermediate (yellow, etc.) ways to communicate.

Since you are new, it is best to move "up" incrementally and then debrief afterward. If you're going to have a mutually satisfying relationship, it has to be built on communication and it is worth the (long) time invested. It doesn't have to be during the "scene" but there are lots of ways to check in with your sub or have him let you know how he's doing, such as taps on a surface, finger snapping, patterned sounds (even if gagged), etc.

This is the most complex part of play. Building your "psychic powers" to read your sub (and for your sub to read you) takes time - time that is well spent if you pay attention. Thinking that you must play a preconceived role, i.e. become a "hard-assed bitch" in order to be Dominant, etc. is evidence that you need to learn more before you become too aggressive. Safety first - and second - and third.

Communicate before, during (as noted) and, especially, after. And, pay attention. The responsibilities are great for both of you, but for you, most of all.

Bburl I can't agree more with you. Right on and very good advice for her. Especially developing the psychic powers to be able to read your sub and accepting that you have the responsibility to make it a mutually rewarding experience.

Safe words should not be part of a game where the sub is punished for using them. If you want to play a game, then it needs a trigger other than the standard safe words. Otherwise, the safe words become meaningless. The purpose of safe words is to protect the submissive if something happens he/she cannot handle for whatever reason. If the safe words are not always used selectively--because something is wrong enough that play cannot continue--and always respected, there is no point in having them. Just do whatever you want and hope the consequences are neither severe nor permanent.

Well chester my partners do not view enemas as punishment lol

Safe words are exactly what they imply. Slow down and talk about things or STOP. The fact that you would ignore a safe word not only implies you're sadistic, but ignorant to your Submissives feelings and cues which makes me question your role as a Domme. This is serious stuff. You don't play with a Submissives trust. It borders on abuse if you do. Read up on your role.