Working through abuse with fetishes

So, I've been a touch more active on BDSMLR recently. All this creativity and ... (cough!) horniness ... had to go somewhere, I suppose. But as a result I've gotten a bunch of likes and new follows, as usually happens there with a little sudden activity.

So, I got one from an account that piqued my curiosity. I won't give the title, there's not much there and it's not relevant. But, I checked her page. Here was her description:

30s f, virgin. abused in the past, my hymen healed too thick and just being alone in a room with a man makes me panic. i'm hoping that if i turn my fears into kinks, i can finally have the sex life my body needs.

Can you even imagine? The poor thing ... I hope she finds her way past whatever's happened, that's just a shitty way to have to go through life.

I see a lot of female accounts that lean into misogyny and abusive, domineering men foisting themselves upon women. I get the sense from a lot of them that it's a way of coping with past abuse, though that's more of a sense than certainty.

Has anyone here suffered from some kind of abuse (probably sexual) in the past, and found their way to healing by leaning into their fears and turning them into kinks? Can it work? Does it work? Any caveats? Honestly, reading and hearing about such things just breaks my f'ing heart, and when I do find myself talking with women like this, I'd love to know if anyone has any recommendation about the best and most supportive ... or, at least, the least harmful ... way to interact.

Thanks,

-tyd

I know my kinks mostly come from my personal trauma - non-sexual, but still related to the medical world - and I would not say that kinks are a safe place to heal a trauma. I think it's far more complex than that and it would be a dangerous idea to imagine that healing *through* kink is possible, and very fallacious to build direct lines between a trauma and a kink (the trauma comes not only from the traumatic event, but also the context, etc.).It takes massive analysis tools to be able to deconstruct a trauma, and even with the best introspective tools, it takes someone well trained to help you confront your bias. And a good context, otherwise you end up building more shits over your trauma. Considering the risks of abusive situation in kinks, the complexity of powerplay, etc... It isn't safe most of the time. Kink is never really safe anyway, we just control risks.

That being said... Though it won't allow you to heal, I think kink can be a safe-ish space to re-explore the mechanism of your trauma, if you are with someone that can safely accompany you (without trying to impose their vision of your trauma - without trying to force the limits you have set, etc.), and more importantly, if you are ready to do the self-analysis work. And have already started that work by yourself; at least to identify your trigger, your coping mechanism, your limits, etc.

In my case, I know that for years I didn't fully understood what was in me, the kinks and power play that were part of me, and where they were from. I recently opened some doors in my mind and of course it affects how I play. I do my best to inform my partners, and I am not using play as a therapy... But of course, being more aware of the relation between my kinks/my trauma affect me, and I am trying to observe more what I am pushing myself into when I play, and I even may feel "safer" to push my own limits.

And then we can also wonder about the ethic of trying to use someone else as a catalyst for trauma: are they conscious of it? Are they consenting, knowing the depth of trauma? Are they fully aware of what role you are giving them?

Nice subject you've opened. I only raised all the red flags about "kink as therapy"... But if you are interested in being a better partner/helper, maybe try to educate yourself in tools to be a better supportive person, and don't hesitate to consult mental healthcare workers to find ressources for your partner(s) and for yourself.

I can't say that I've healed from my abuse by leaning into my fears via medfet. When I discovered / recovered the memories of my abuse, I ended up in such a bad dark place that the only way I got out of it was via lots of professional counselling. I don't think that my abuse "discovery" has affected my medfet; although it has possibly made me understand where some of my "likes / dislikes" and reactions to various scenes / activities have come from. I have possibly used medfet (with a trusted person) to maybe explore some difficult areas resulting from the abuse.

I am not sure I leaned into my fears, but the abuse I experienced have shaped my kinks for sure.

Not just the sexual abuse either. But also the bullying at school, I believe is one of the reasons I now get turned on by humiliation.

I have thought about the link a lot over the past few years and the way I see it is as follows.

As a sub ,you are ultimately in control. ( at least in a safe environment where you trust the other person)

You need to rely on the Dom reading your body language but you have the power to stop play immediately by using safe word.

So playing sub, is a way of taking back the control I feel I did not have when younger and whilst being abused.

Not sure this makes sense to some but it does to me lol

As a sub ,you are ultimately in control. ( at least in a safe environment where you trust the other person).

... but you have the power to stop play immediately by using safe word.

So playing sub, is a way of taking back the control I feel I did not have when younger and whilst being abused.

@Secret_sub Makes perfect sense to me and expresses the thoughts I had when writing my reply, but couldn't find the correct words to express it. While I don't explicitly do BDSM, I get the same feelings (particularly relating to embarrassment and humiliation) when I've been a patient in play exams. As you - wonderfully - put it, you are ultimately in control & can stop the play when needed.

As a sub ,you are ultimately in control. ( at least in a safe environment where you trust the other person)

So playing sub, is a way of taking back the control I feel I did not have when younger and whilst being abused.

Thanks @Secret_sub , I think that's one of the most succinct ways I've seen it put, and I think this is why it *can* be healing and helpful to someone who's been traumatized.

This resonates to me as the "correct", positive approach to D/s regardless of past trauma. The only way (IMHO) serious domination and submission can be safe and healthy is if both parties understand and agree that the sub is ultimately the one in charge. The dominant may be taking them on a journey and may be the guide, narrator, and driver ... but that tour should never be going anywhere the sub isn't both willing and excited to be going. Anything beyond that, I think, becomes a form of abuse.

And to be clear, I despite the explicit clarity of my statement, I don't think it's easily understood, or black and white. I think a kind and aware dominant might very well take a sub somewhere she's (or he's ) uncomfortable/scared, and they may simply miss the signs that the person is no longer really able to "say no" clearly enough for the message to get across. And I don't point fingers in such a situation when everyone's trying their best, because sometimes you're taking risks and the risks turn out to be real. That's why we call them risks.

--

All that being said, while I don't 100% agree with @Larsen who said:

...it would be a dangerous idea to imagine that healing *through* kink is possible

I am not a psychchiatrist. Or psychologist. Or therapist. But I'm as fucked up in my own way as many of us here, and in the world in general, are, but what I say is from my own experience. The ideal situation to work through trauma is definitely with a team of professionals, plenty of time, and well-understood behavioral management approaches.

But we don't all get to experience the ideal. Whether we're short on resources, unable to find the right professionals to help, or simply don't know how to engage with those professionals for it to work, I think a lot of people will always want and/or need to try to do some kind of self-help therapy on their own. Personally, I've spent years talking to therapists about my depression and lack of self-confidence in my profession, but none of them helped me at all -- there just comes a point where eventually we decide, if we want to get better, we're going to start exploring alternative approaches on our own.

Last note/caveat -- I don't recommend it, and I think I agree that it can be dangerous in a lot of cases, but ... not all of them. I think it *can* help, and just knowing how to listen and support your friend/partner through all of it can be a benefit.

Thanks for the really thoughtful replies, it's a more complex question than I'd considered when I first posted it. I've definitely got even more to think about.

-tyd

@TrustYourDoctor true! I mean, it can help, and offer a symbolic reenacting of a trauma; but without the proper self analysis tools and the proper conditions... It can re-enforce the trauma. So it's tricky.

Personally, it helped. But I was already quite advance in my trauma healing. It fragilised me to opened back these wounds, but I was prepared for it, and allowed me to understand more things without putting my mental health in danger. And I had prepared my partner for what could be behind some sort of play we got into... And as far as I can tell, he was okay with it.

And I insist; is it ethical to engage a play partner in a form of trauma therapy, when they are not fully aware of what they get into, or even mentally equipped for it? And from the side of the one giving that help/support... The risk of awaking a trauma are not to be underwhelmed, it can really shake someone and the consequences can be... Trash. My point behind that reflexion is that... Trauma are complex mechanism, and if you intend to go dig into that with a partner, it's neither light nor can be done with an instinctive approach. There are ressources out there, to inform and help both participants, and both participants have to be aware of what they get themself and the other into.

Ideally. To not dig into unsafe/insane relationship territories.

Thanks for your reply, @Larsen .

I do pretty much agree with you nearly completely, and it’s not with splitting hairs of any differences. Given that you’ve worked through something personal and emotional, you definitely have more expeirience here than I and I’m really glad that you’ve been able to come through stronger for your efforts!

One tiny addendum to my original post is that the person who triggered my question did reach out and we talked more at length. She did tell me more specifics about her experience and it was even more infuriating and appalling than I could have imagined. I just listened and encouraged her, and in the end she seemed to feel a bit more ready to take control in her life. Her attempts to self-therapize were actually her first attempts to do so. She had done therapy but the source of her trauma we’re family members who were still part of her life and that, I think, kept her from moving forward, but that’s no longer the case. I’m hopeful she’ll get more of the help she’ll need, but more importantly that she’ll find a partner to help her work through all of it with compassion and a lack of judgment.

After all, in the end, we’re mostly strangers here ourselves, so can we hope for more?

-tyd

I can't see that it would ever be considered the best approach rather than therapeutic support, or whatever. I think at best all that it can achieve is a way to manage living with the experiences, memories or after effects.

I don't really like to think of my experiences as abusive, although I think objectively they were on some level, but any discomfort I get from the memories is alleviated if its in a sexual context, whether as cause of fantasy or recreation on some level. I think there's always an aspect of being able to share experiences, even if in a sexualised way, which takes off some of the pressure of not being able to share it in other contexts.

The big issue is maintaining boundaries, to not end up replicating abusive relationships or dynamics. Finding the line between fantasy and inappropriate experiences can be difficult when it's all mixed up.