Working through abuse with fetishes

So, I've been a touch more active on BDSMLR recently. All this creativity and ... (cough!) horniness ... had to go somewhere, I suppose. But as a result I've gotten a bunch of likes and new follows, as usually happens there with a little sudden activity.

So, I got one from an account that piqued my curiosity. I won't give the title, there's not much there and it's not relevant. But, I checked her page. Here was her description:

30s f, virgin. abused in the past, my hymen healed too thick and just being alone in a room with a man makes me panic. i'm hoping that if i turn my fears into kinks, i can finally have the sex life my body needs.

Can you even imagine? The poor thing ... I hope she finds her way past whatever's happened, that's just a shitty way to have to go through life.

I see a lot of female accounts that lean into misogyny and abusive, domineering men foisting themselves upon women. I get the sense from a lot of them that it's a way of coping with past abuse, though that's more of a sense than certainty.

Has anyone here suffered from some kind of abuse (probably sexual) in the past, and found their way to healing by leaning into their fears and turning them into kinks? Can it work? Does it work? Any caveats? Honestly, reading and hearing about such things just breaks my f'ing heart, and when I do find myself talking with women like this, I'd love to know if anyone has any recommendation about the best and most supportive ... or, at least, the least harmful ... way to interact.

Thanks,

-tyd

I know my kinks mostly come from my personal trauma - non-sexual, but still related to the medical world - and I would not say that kinks are a safe place to heal a trauma. I think it's far more complex than that and it would be a dangerous idea to imagine that healing *through* kink is possible, and very fallacious to build direct lines between a trauma and a kink (the trauma comes not only from the traumatic event, but also the context, etc.).It takes massive analysis tools to be able to deconstruct a trauma, and even with the best introspective tools, it takes someone well trained to help you confront your bias. And a good context, otherwise you end up building more shits over your trauma. Considering the risks of abusive situation in kinks, the complexity of powerplay, etc... It isn't safe most of the time. Kink is never really safe anyway, we just control risks.

That being said... Though it won't allow you to heal, I think kink can be a safe-ish space to re-explore the mechanism of your trauma, if you are with someone that can safely accompany you (without trying to impose their vision of your trauma - without trying to force the limits you have set, etc.), and more importantly, if you are ready to do the self-analysis work. And have already started that work by yourself; at least to identify your trigger, your coping mechanism, your limits, etc.

In my case, I know that for years I didn't fully understood what was in me, the kinks and power play that were part of me, and where they were from. I recently opened some doors in my mind and of course it affects how I play. I do my best to inform my partners, and I am not using play as a therapy... But of course, being more aware of the relation between my kinks/my trauma affect me, and I am trying to observe more what I am pushing myself into when I play, and I even may feel "safer" to push my own limits.

And then we can also wonder about the ethic of trying to use someone else as a catalyst for trauma: are they conscious of it? Are they consenting, knowing the depth of trauma? Are they fully aware of what role you are giving them?

Nice subject you've opened. I only raised all the red flags about "kink as therapy"... But if you are interested in being a better partner/helper, maybe try to educate yourself in tools to be a better supportive person, and don't hesitate to consult mental healthcare workers to find ressources for your partner(s) and for yourself.

I can't say that I've healed from my abuse by leaning into my fears via medfet. When I discovered / recovered the memories of my abuse, I ended up in such a bad dark place that the only way I got out of it was via lots of professional counselling. I don't think that my abuse "discovery" has affected my medfet; although it has possibly made me understand where some of my "likes / dislikes" and reactions to various scenes / activities have come from. I have possibly used medfet (with a trusted person) to maybe explore some difficult areas resulting from the abuse.

I am not sure I leaned into my fears, but the abuse I experienced have shaped my kinks for sure.

Not just the sexual abuse either. But also the bullying at school, I believe is one of the reasons I now get turned on by humiliation.

I have thought about the link a lot over the past few years and the way I see it is as follows.

As a sub ,you are ultimately in control. ( at least in a safe environment where you trust the other person)

You need to rely on the Dom reading your body language but you have the power to stop play immediately by using safe word.

So playing sub, is a way of taking back the control I feel I did not have when younger and whilst being abused.

Not sure this makes sense to some but it does to me lol

As a sub ,you are ultimately in control. ( at least in a safe environment where you trust the other person).

... but you have the power to stop play immediately by using safe word.

So playing sub, is a way of taking back the control I feel I did not have when younger and whilst being abused.

@Secret_sub Makes perfect sense to me and expresses the thoughts I had when writing my reply, but couldn't find the correct words to express it. While I don't explicitly do BDSM, I get the same feelings (particularly relating to embarrassment and humiliation) when I've been a patient in play exams. As you - wonderfully - put it, you are ultimately in control & can stop the play when needed.

As a sub ,you are ultimately in control. ( at least in a safe environment where you trust the other person)

So playing sub, is a way of taking back the control I feel I did not have when younger and whilst being abused.

Thanks @Secret_sub , I think that's one of the most succinct ways I've seen it put, and I think this is why it *can* be healing and helpful to someone who's been traumatized.

This resonates to me as the "correct", positive approach to D/s regardless of past trauma. The only way (IMHO) serious domination and submission can be safe and healthy is if both parties understand and agree that the sub is ultimately the one in charge. The dominant may be taking them on a journey and may be the guide, narrator, and driver ... but that tour should never be going anywhere the sub isn't both willing and excited to be going. Anything beyond that, I think, becomes a form of abuse.

And to be clear, I despite the explicit clarity of my statement, I don't think it's easily understood, or black and white. I think a kind and aware dominant might very well take a sub somewhere she's (or he's ) uncomfortable/scared, and they may simply miss the signs that the person is no longer really able to "say no" clearly enough for the message to get across. And I don't point fingers in such a situation when everyone's trying their best, because sometimes you're taking risks and the risks turn out to be real. That's why we call them risks.

--

All that being said, while I don't 100% agree with @Larsen who said:

...it would be a dangerous idea to imagine that healing *through* kink is possible

I am not a psychchiatrist. Or psychologist. Or therapist. But I'm as fucked up in my own way as many of us here, and in the world in general, are, but what I say is from my own experience. The ideal situation to work through trauma is definitely with a team of professionals, plenty of time, and well-understood behavioral management approaches.

But we don't all get to experience the ideal. Whether we're short on resources, unable to find the right professionals to help, or simply don't know how to engage with those professionals for it to work, I think a lot of people will always want and/or need to try to do some kind of self-help therapy on their own. Personally, I've spent years talking to therapists about my depression and lack of self-confidence in my profession, but none of them helped me at all -- there just comes a point where eventually we decide, if we want to get better, we're going to start exploring alternative approaches on our own.

Last note/caveat -- I don't recommend it, and I think I agree that it can be dangerous in a lot of cases, but ... not all of them. I think it *can* help, and just knowing how to listen and support your friend/partner through all of it can be a benefit.

Thanks for the really thoughtful replies, it's a more complex question than I'd considered when I first posted it. I've definitely got even more to think about.

-tyd

@TrustYourDoctor true! I mean, it can help, and offer a symbolic reenacting of a trauma; but without the proper self analysis tools and the proper conditions... It can re-enforce the trauma. So it's tricky.

Personally, it helped. But I was already quite advance in my trauma healing. It fragilised me to opened back these wounds, but I was prepared for it, and allowed me to understand more things without putting my mental health in danger. And I had prepared my partner for what could be behind some sort of play we got into... And as far as I can tell, he was okay with it.

And I insist; is it ethical to engage a play partner in a form of trauma therapy, when they are not fully aware of what they get into, or even mentally equipped for it? And from the side of the one giving that help/support... The risk of awaking a trauma are not to be underwhelmed, it can really shake someone and the consequences can be... Trash. My point behind that reflexion is that... Trauma are complex mechanism, and if you intend to go dig into that with a partner, it's neither light nor can be done with an instinctive approach. There are ressources out there, to inform and help both participants, and both participants have to be aware of what they get themself and the other into.

Ideally. To not dig into unsafe/insane relationship territories.

Thanks for your reply, @Larsen .

I do pretty much agree with you nearly completely, and it’s not with splitting hairs of any differences. Given that you’ve worked through something personal and emotional, you definitely have more expeirience here than I and I’m really glad that you’ve been able to come through stronger for your efforts!

One tiny addendum to my original post is that the person who triggered my question did reach out and we talked more at length. She did tell me more specifics about her experience and it was even more infuriating and appalling than I could have imagined. I just listened and encouraged her, and in the end she seemed to feel a bit more ready to take control in her life. Her attempts to self-therapize were actually her first attempts to do so. She had done therapy but the source of her trauma we’re family members who were still part of her life and that, I think, kept her from moving forward, but that’s no longer the case. I’m hopeful she’ll get more of the help she’ll need, but more importantly that she’ll find a partner to help her work through all of it with compassion and a lack of judgment.

After all, in the end, we’re mostly strangers here ourselves, so can we hope for more?

-tyd

I can't see that it would ever be considered the best approach rather than therapeutic support, or whatever. I think at best all that it can achieve is a way to manage living with the experiences, memories or after effects.

I don't really like to think of my experiences as abusive, although I think objectively they were on some level, but any discomfort I get from the memories is alleviated if its in a sexual context, whether as cause of fantasy or recreation on some level. I think there's always an aspect of being able to share experiences, even if in a sexualised way, which takes off some of the pressure of not being able to share it in other contexts.

The big issue is maintaining boundaries, to not end up replicating abusive relationships or dynamics. Finding the line between fantasy and inappropriate experiences can be difficult when it's all mixed up.

It has already been mentioned: A sub sets the boundaries that must not be crossed. If sub and dom respect and trust each other, role play is a safe situation for both, which can be very sexually and emotionally arousing and therefore enjoyable. I believe that a prerequisite for safe and good role play for both sides is the ability to recognize one's own feelings and the feelings of the other and to deal with them appropriately. It certainly helps to talk to each other in detail before the role play and to get to know each other so as not to touch sore spots unnecessarily and to prevent old wounds from being hurt.

But people who have been emotionally hurt by physical, psychological or sexual violence in their past have major problems recognizing their feelings and it is even more difficult to articulate feelings and, if necessary, to draw clear boundaries.

@Secret-sub & @passiverPatient

I follow the reasoning and there is a definite thruth in the fact that “as a sub you take back control”, but then again, and I do mean ‘again’, it’s all about TRUST. Trust your doctor, trust the caretaker, trust your dom … trust comes from a mindsetting as well as from a state within the ‘relationship’ between you and the person you put your trust in his/her hands. (And it grows)

As a sub you put yourself in a vulnerable situation/position and from that moment onwards you’re in the hands of the one in the superior position. Sometimes you don’t have the choice than to comply with requests and ‘trust’ the person(s) in front of you.

I can definitely state that if that ‘trust’ turns out to be ashamed/broken by the dominant party that it does leave a mark. At the moment your ‘trust-relationship’ is being betrayed, you don’t have any control anymore, and you can fight as hard as you want but you don’t have a choice anymore but to comply and submit to the power in front or next to you … especially when you’re in a state or position that running away is not possible or … when filing a complaint would not be a clear example of your word against ‘theirs’ because they will be believed anyway and you don’t have clear proof of what actually did happen …

Therefore, I have been healing myself maybe with confronting myself again, thinking about it all going over it again in detail and, above all, not putting trust in anyone easily anymore without proof of trust but bearing in mind there is always an escape, so not allowing not to have a possibility of escape for the case of need. And lastly, in case of real need, I did try to train myself to make even my fingers to be lethal weapons for self defence … (was already doing that but focussed much more on efficiency 🤔)

And now I’m starting to get to understand the state of mind does it all … healing certain trauma’s (not saying all) is to me being able to let go what happened and come to terms with what did happen and the fact that you did let it happen to you.

@TrustYourDoctor

It can be overwhelming emotionally for both the traumatized person and her (his) partner to approach the old trauma in a fetish role play. Maybe it helps to talk openly about what is pleasant and what is unpleasant and where there are insecurities. Every situation, e.g. a role play in which you perceive yourself as self-determined and safe, strengthens a person emotionally. For some, it may also be something like therapy to expose yourself to the power imbalance between doctor and patient in a role play in the role of the patient, but with the crucial difference from real life that the doctor will not violate the individual boundaries of his patient. This could potentially reduce the harmful effects of old negative experiences.

However, retraumatization could also occur in a role play. The line between self-healing and retraumatization is very narrow. This has already been pointed out before.

But I would also like to add that the potential for abuse in fetish role play is high. A seemingly understanding Dom who unconsciously or consciously ignores his partner's boundaries at the crucial moment is the worst case scenario and can lead to serious psychological injuries.

@Larsen

I agree with you that trauma should be treated by psychiatrists and psychologists who have completed training as psychotherapists and, if possible, also be knowledgeable in trauma treatment. Ideally, a psychotherapist behaves respectfully towards his patient and this does not include the right to have sovereignty over interpretation. A psychotherapist has expertise in the field of psychology and psychotherapy and yet he or she can make mistakes, for example misunderstand or misinterpret something. He or she should take the patient seriously and listen to him or her. Without fully understanding what the patient meant or what the patient felt or is currently feeling, no psychotherapist should consider his point of view to be the correct one.

I have been dealing with psychiatrists and psychologists for more than half of my life. It was only in my recent past that I realized I had trauma. I had never been aware of it. It is an integral part of my biography that I have of course never forgotten. I viewed the traumatic experiences as inevitable and therefore did not recognize them as anything traumatic. The second reason for not recognizing the trauma is the people who caused the trauma. More precisely, their profession. In order to be able to be myself and live my life in a way that was worth living for me, I had to undergo psychotherapy for a year and a half and was examined psychiatrically four times. That was an extreme and very impactful experience. When I was treated for depression, I felt this power imbalance again: They can do anything. They write a letter about someone and the verdict is in there. They don't care that authorities can find out the most intimate details about citizens when, for example, they apply for help.

Psychotherapists can help patients cope with trauma or cope with it a little better. However, they can also traumatize or retraumatize patients through unprofessional behavior. Unfortunately, how often this occurs is not recorded because psychotherapeutic treatments are not subject to quality control.

I was interacting with a woman who was very into spanking as a punishment and as I got to know her better, she related abuse she experienced as a child. She talked about how as an adult, she saw it for what it was, but as a child, it was the only meaningful interaction with her parents. So she embraced what she valued from it, while maintaining control through clear limits and honest discussion.

I could never completely wrap my head around it, but she both enjoyed and benefited from the sessions, and her open and frank interaction, made me feel very good about the experience. She relocated, or I don't think we would ever have stopped.

You can't force something to become a kink, trauma related or not. If it's going to become a kink, it will happen, if it doesn't, it will feel like trying to put your right foot into a left shoe, it's going to feel off at best.

I speak as a victim-survivor, we don't understand trauma as much as we think we do, because trauma changes how our brains work. Folks try telling me oh it was one experience. Yes, that is true. But when your sense of trust is shattered like that, it rachets up the anxiety. Regular anxiety is concern about what might happen. Trauma anxiety is its own beast, as the worst has already happened, you are trying to protect yourself even if you don't know it and once fight flight freeze fawn is tripped, it's very difficult to untrip.

Could a scenario like what was outlined be helpful? Maybe, effectively it's exposure therapy. But having been through even small scale exposure therapy under good conditions, that doesn't make it any less brutal. First try under appropriate supervision ended poorly, took a lot of work to even think of trying again. I would only attempt it in a role play scenario if I had unshakeable trust in my partner, and if they were fully aware of the situation, how to help me ground if needed, be on the lookout for if I'm dissociating and aware of the fact that it may stop me from speaking up, etc.

But there's another point. Trauma is sneaky. It crops up when you're not expecting it, and even when you think you have it contained to one area, you don't. It does spread out and impact other areas of life.

I’m really glad to see these additional comments the past few weeks on this thread.

I don’t know that I have much more to add. But, I do have a question, though it’s most rhetorical. Does the modern-day approach to gently supporting and therapizing and, maybe even coddling, trauma victims ever backfire?

That is, I know the modern psychiatric establishments aims to provide the best treatment possible, and that what we have today is often better than it was, say, a hundred years ago. But sometimes I wonder if — for some people — generally telling them to “suck it up and get through it” might not be the best approach? If sometimes, treating an abuse as a major significant event in one’s life can ever force it to become a major significant event in one’s life when, maybe, it would’ve just been something shitty that happened that they person might have tucked away in their psyche and gotten past? That, the alternative, led them to years or decades of therapy when they may never have had to wrestle with it nearly as much?

To be clear, the reason I’ve asked is that in recent months I’ve come across some stories about the absolute horrific ordeals some people go through today as a result of sex trafficking and sex slavery. It’s just in-fucking-humane. But then I read stories about these people, often women, who, after years of this torture and suffering, pull themselves together and manage to live a new, relatively healthy life.

Again, these are just questions. But I suppose I wonder, if someone can get through those horrors for they long and survive, what is it about our society that leads people who might have been very mildly (RELATIVELY speaking) abused once, or a couple of times, by an uncle, an aunt, or a priest or family friend, so traumatized that they’re struggling to live normal lives even after years of therapy?

None of what I am saying ignores the difficulty any of these people may or may not have in living their lives. I just wonder…

Yeah. I just wonder.

—TYD

I don’t know that I have much more to add. But, I do have a question, though it’s most rhetorical. Does the modern-day approach to gently supporting and therapizing and, maybe even coddling, trauma victims ever backfire?

…..But sometimes I wonder if — for some people — generally telling them to “suck it up and get through it” might not be the best approach?

Good observation. People respond differently to either approach. Depends on their specific “ buttons” or psyche. So, I agree, one size doesn’t fit all. I tend to think the current psychological approach is to coddle vs confront your problems. Just my opinion, we’ve become a coddling society.

I have often wondered where my fetishes come from. They caused me much shame earlier in life. I have wondered if I have some trauma in my life that I am somehow unaware of, but I have yet to know what it may be, if it even happened to me. Parental neglect, yes perhaps, but I have not addressed it with a counselor or therapist. Not yet anyway.

Taking the whole controversy of unlocking memories” aside, this observation from @GraceT resonates with me too:

I have often wondered where my fetishes come from. They caused me much shame earlier in life. I have wondered if I have some trauma in my life that I am somehow unaware of, but I have yet to know what it may be, if it even happened to me. Parental neglect, yes perhaps, but I have not addressed it with a counselor or therapist. Not yet anyway.

It’s a natural defense mechanism for our minds to sometimes bury traumatic memories. Now, often there are side effects of that “self-protection” that can be problematic. At the same time, it was an evolutionary defense mechanism to help us “forget” things that suck.

Stupid but obvious parallel … childbirth is usually described as a pretty painful, unpleasant experience… which is why the female brain has come to be pretty good at letting the awful parts slide into oblivion while keeping the joyful parts (I MADE A BABY!) very vivid. I mean, if it was the other way around, how often would women go through that more than once? A lot less than they do, I’d bet.

So if our brains bury trauma to protect us, is it sometimes better to let buried dogs lie, to mix a metaphor? I mean, revisiting traumatic experiences CAN help, but I’d be willing to bet that doing so often makes recovery and dealing with that trauma even more difficult.

But I’m an amateur gynecologist, not even an amateur psychiatrist, so what do I know? 😂

—TYD

My mom abused me physically and emotionally. She literally busted me in the mouth with a hair dryer. Beat me with a belt. All the time raising me to be a strong woman.

So the allure of being a sub to someone who is gentle and kind and who wants to make me feel good goes a lot toward healing that.

@Rigel

RE: your comment about current therapy turning us into a “coddling” society. Previously, I may have agreed with you. I think that therapy has changed a lot. My therapist is young, and she has been practicing for a year. Some people may see that as “not enough experience”.

I saw an old school therapist about 15 years ago, and I felt worse after therapy because I was just talking and she was doing nothing to help. She just listened, and chimed in with me-affirming statements. Helped me not at all.

My new therapist. She has all of her education and training right there in her head. There’s no coddling. She’s using techniques that help to identify trauma, address it, speak to it, and ask it why it’s hurting me. She shares techniques that I can do myself to address whatever is bothering me.

So if anyone is thinking therapy won’t help, give it another try with someone who is trained in ways to really help you.

Just do what you can to help yourself be emotionally healthy. And then go let your Dom tie you up and spank you. 🤣🤣

@EnchantedAmethyst I’m glad you’re having a good experience with a therapist. Some are good and have positive results with their patients like your experiencing. I didn’t mean to infer that pyschologists are creating a coddling society, that’s happening across the board with everyone thinking they’re entitled and other social changes. Some psychologists - like others - are caught up in the trend and can contribute to it.

Both my wife and son as well as the son of a school psychologist have had terrible experiences with psychologists or psychiatrists that were absolutely worthless and made matters worse. I won’t go into details, but I’d trust tarot card reader before them.

Like any profession, there’s good and bad actors. They’re not all quackers, but every field of medicine has some!

@Rigel

I agree.

I’m so sorry yall have had bad experiences. 💙

As a young boy I had problems going poop and I usually held it in when I felt the urge to go.. This led to me soiling myself mostly and this did not fully stop til I was about 13 years of age. Mostly is was embarrassing having this condition as I grew up. My parents mainly my mom was upset by this. That was understandable. She sent me to many doctors and even a few psychologists some helped others did very little to help me. Early on when they were checking to make sure everything was OK physically with me is when it was the most traumatic for me. I had lots of exams and medical tests. Things like enemas and suppositories to make me go. All were quite traumatic as you could imagine at only 5 or 6 years of age. I also had to have a barium enema. That is intense for an adult just imagine how it was as a 5 terrified kid. If all this wasn't difficult in itself. The doctor regularly did rectal exams which by he inserted his slippery finger or fingers in my butt. Of course that is traumatizing for anyone but just imagine being only a young boy and having this done to you... I remember actually not fussing or crying even but felt really awkward as you can imagine. Looking back years later I know that doctor did a bit more than just check on how backed up I was... I remember vividly him moving his finger around in my bottom. He did it slowly and moved his all over inside. Even at this very young age I remember getting a tingle down there as the doctor was doing his thing down there. I believe now he was doing this on purpose. Sort of abusing me sexually. I still think of this decades later and relive it in my thoughts and it I know formed my sexual thoughts.... Its not bad but probably a different things from most guys.

Looking back years later I know that doctor did a bit more than just check on how backed up I was... I remember vividly him moving his finger around in my bottom. He did it slowly and moved his all over inside. Even at this very young age I remember getting a tingle down there as the doctor was doing his thing down there. I believe now he was doing this on purpose. Sort of abusing me sexually. I still think of this decades later and relive it in my thoughts and it I know formed my sexual thoughts.... Its not bad but probably a different things from most guys.

@Eforenema1 really sorry you’ve had these experiences and the idea of being abused is an awful one indeed.

I do wonder - and I’m not suggesting this is true in your case, merely posting the hypothetical - if the act of revisiting childhood traumatic memories like that, as an adult, doesn’t sometimes lead to an inaccurate reinterpretation of events.

For example, with what you describe, I can imagine that a good/ thorough doctor (presuming his frequent invasive exams were actually appropriate) would often do it in a slow, gentle, methodical and thorough way that would also by necessity require an in-and-out motion. After all, the only means of adjusting one’s digit is either forward and back or side to side. That might be the least traumatic way to do it to a child whereas the adult mind might add interpretations to those actions that the child’s mind would not.

Again - I’m using your experience as the basis for discussion, and don’t want to imply that what happened to you wasn’t what you think it is.

The counterpoint is, however, that memories are extraordinarily malleable and when we have greater context for our fleeting recollections, it is very easy to change those memories into something besides what actually happened. That’s just based on how we know the brain and memories work.

Which brings me to my earlier question … If we know that memories can be malleable, AND we know that our adult experiences have the ability to impose interpretations on distant memories that may not be accurate, then should we ever be concerned about the simple act of revisiting traumatic memories turning them into something even more traumatic by the very act of therapizing or being therapized?

I have no answers and I’ve drawn no conclusions, but I’d think we would be remiss not to consider the possibilities.

—TYD

My new therapist. She has all of her education and training right there in her head. There’s no coddling. She’s using techniques that help to identify trauma, address it, speak to it, and ask it why it’s hurting me. She shares techniques that I can do myself to address whatever is bothering me.

That’s really inspiring to hear, @EnchantedAmethyst !

I have seen modern therapists using a whole slew of new “tools” to help address trauma that are relatively new and evolved from what’s existed in the past. It’s wonderful to hear they they can be so effective and, of course, that it’s helped you so much in particular.

Like any profession, therapy and psychoanalysis evolves over time, and watching Freud’s Last Session - which took place merely 80 years ago - informing me that Freud was considered the *father* of psychoanalysis was revelatory. I mean, the entire approach of “talk therapy” isn’t even 100 years old yet!

So it’s pretty cool to hear how it is evolving and improving, and that the likelihood is that the ability to accurately address trauma and traumatic memories is becoming more successful and less likely to simply cause greater injury is both logical and reassuring.

—TYD

@TrustYourDoctor Yes that is possible for years I figured what happened was very normal. It might have been I do not know. It was probably not done to hurt me at all. It was more than likely purely to check if there anything was blocking me going to the bathroom. The condition now known as encopresis is a frustrating condition to deal with. I see your point of as well get older we see events differently that happened to us... I do know even at that very young age what the doctor did turned me on. At that age of course I had no understanding of what I felt. I remember it was a tickle that spread all over. I knew it was felt good and really I had a rush of feelings which I had no understanding of at all... I really think this kind of made me sexually tied to getting pleasure in this manner. It's not a bad thing but much different than most guys...

Working through abuse with fetishes.

I can see where abuse may result in developing a fetish….hopefully in a healthy and not destructive way which helps one cope with the abuse. Just an obtuse thought, could the idea be compared to someone trading one addiction or compulsion to another? In some cases this is a good thing, sometimes not. Often (I’m told) being abused can turn one into an abuser or possibly a sadistic dominant. Working through the prior abuse in a destructive manner.

Interesting: It turns out that my main fetishes are somewhat of a repeat of what happened to me as a guest of the North Vietnamese in 1968. I was interrogated with the use of gallon enemas coupled with very painful electricity on the sensitive body parts, mostly penis and nipples. According to several headshrinkers, I'm replacing some very bad memories with some very pleasureable ones. It took many years before I was able to trust anyone to administer to me, but now, some of my favorite sessions involve enemas and e-stim.

Interesting: It turns out that my main fetishes are somewhat of a repeat of what happened to me as a guest of the North Vietnamese in 1968. I was interrogated with the use of gallon enemas couled with very painful electricity on the sensitive body parts, mostly penis and nipples. According to several headshrinkers, I'm replacing some very bad memories with some very pleasureable ones. It took many years before I was able to trust anyone to administer to me, but now, some of my favorite sessions involve enemas and e-stim.

❤️. Thanks for your service….and sacrifice!