Psychology corner | Working through abuse with fe…

Views: 877 Created: 2024.01.27

First post

So, I've been a touch more active on BDSMLR recently. All this creativity and ... (cough!) horniness ... had to go somewhere, I suppose. But as a result I've gotten a bunch of likes and new follows, as usually happens there with a little sudden activity.

So, I got one from an account that piqued my curiosity. I won't give the title, there's not much there and it's not relevant. But, I checked her page. Here was her description:

30s f, virgin. abused in the past, my hymen healed too thick and just being alone in a room with a man makes me panic. i'm hoping that if i turn my fears into kinks, i can finally have the sex life my body needs.

Can you even imagine? The poor thing ... I hope she finds her way past whatever's happened, that's just a shitty way to have to go through life.

I see a lot of female accounts that lean into misogyny and abusive, domineering men foisting themselves upon women. I get the sense from a lot of them that it's a way of coping with past abuse, though that's more of a sense than certainty.

Has anyone here suffered from some kind of abuse (probably sexual) in the past, and found their way to healing by leaning into their fears and turning them into kinks? Can it work? Does it work? Any caveats? Honestly, reading and hearing about such things just breaks my f'ing heart, and when I do find myself talking with women like this, I'd love to know if anyone has any recommendation about the best and most supportive ... or, at least, the least harmful ... way to interact.

Thanks,

-tyd

TrustYourDoctor

@waterbottom Just…wow.

I’m not sure if someone who had “simply” been sexually abused, if they had described their assault in explicit terms, would have struck me so much. But I’d never even considered that sort of abuse … actual torture … could have the same impact. Clearly it can.

I’m glad you leaned to cope and roll it into your own interests and thereby expunge some of the traumatic aspects.

And as @Rigel said … thank you for your service!

NurseSammy

“So the allure of being a sub to someone who is gentle and kind and who wants to make me feel good goes a lot toward healing that.”

I agree with EnchantedAmethyst. I was raised by my mother who meets the diagnostic criteria for narcissistic personality disorder however is too much of a narcissist to ever consider seeing a psychiatrist to be diagnosed. My traumas are primarily emotional, by the way that my mother treated me when I was young, and continues to treat me to this day (however I now have the ability to leave as I am not stuck under her care). On occasions she was physically abusive, however not to the severity a lot of other people have been physically abused and I am thankful that I have never experienced sexual trauma.

My psychologist does not like that I have a “at least I am better off than someone else” justification for the way I have been treated, but I do think it is important to remind myself that I am alive, I am safe (now) and I am able to function. A lot have it worse off than I do.

I firmly believe that kinks are often a response to trauma, and I strongly agree with others here when they say a submissive who has experienced trauma is practicing kinks in a safe way to confront their fears. It is true that you may be submissive, but the feeling of knowing the person your with respects you and cares about you is the most comforting feeling in the world. Even while submitting, the power you feel knowing that you can say no at any time, and unlike the verbal or physical attacks your trauma response is used to- they will stop.