Learning about the D/s dynamic

As I take little steps into this new world that has opened up in front of me, I’m very much enjoying what I am learning.

This is all new to me - at least sharing with other humans this part of me that has been here pretty much my whole life. Up until two weeks ago, when I stumbled onto this site, I’d always played alone.

To experience other people who actually like it, is like finding an awesome underground party with a particularly inviting bass line that everyone else is totally in to too.

But shit, I’m so late to the party!

Never mind - everything has its place, and tbh I probably wasn’t ready for it before.

The thing that has surprised me the most is (from everything I’ve read) the depth of communication in a D/s relationship. I’m pretty sure I’m on the sub side of things and as I’ve read more and more about how it works, I’m finding there’s something extremely appealing to me about the idea of being listened to and understood then I suppose in a way testing how much you have really been understood (and how good your judgement is to let it go ahead) by putting your “well-being / trust“ in the dominant person’s hands and letting them take control .

Maybe I have understood this dynamic wrong. Please put me on the right track if that’s the case.

Otherwise I’d love to hear anyones early experiences in this world if you’re willing to share… How did you find it? How did you learn more about it? Did you always know what side you were on D or s? What’s the best thing for you about the dynamic?

Thank you for listening in on my train of thought.

I think you have it mostly right, especially about how much communication is involved, but it should also be more about YOU getting to know the dominant one, getting to the point of understanding him enough to trust him. It's a mutual reward kind of thing, where the sub is being vulnerable in a direct way, while the dom is risking massive humiliation because realistically anyone can just laugh in his face and dismantle the entire thing… So they're BOTH vulnerable, and both feel great when they find their trust has been placed correctly.

I didn't so much ‘discover an interest in this’ as… discover that there's actually such a thing as submissive women, having gone most of my life without seeing any. Once we started talking, it just hit something instinctual deep inside, and suddenly I want to protect and care for and control this person. To undo previous influences that have made her miserable, to heal the wounds of past trauma, and to build her up into a TRUE strong woman, rather than a shallow ‘grrl power’ type that has dominated fiction since I was a kid.

Of course, in practice, once she is built up, the sub often discovers true deep romantic love with someone else, and then I just feel like a proud papa. I did something right. Someday it'll be my turn and I can actually try out the sexual side of the d/s thing.

@Master_Dorson

Hi, welcome to the party then. Don’t worry about being late, you can party all your life.

Of course communication is a very important part of D/s. A D/s relationship is in some ways like a normal relationship. Three things are very important, at least they are for me: Trust, honesty and communication. No specific order for those three.

A D/s relationship should be well balanced. Compare the dominant with a painter and the submissive with a canvas. The submissive is in charge of what kind of things can be painted, about which range of colors can be used. And within those boundaries, or limits, the dominant will determine what will be painted, what colors will be used and what techniques will be used. And don’t expect to have a Rembrandt right away. Good paintings take time to build. Doing things in small steps. And this may sound simple, but D/s or BDSM is a wide variety of things that can be done. Be aware that both parties are in this together what will be done and what won’t be part of it. So having good communication before, during and after is essential.

Looking at my own experience it means that the communication is key to determine if I continue with this person or not. It should feel right, also for me when I start to dominate someone. Looking at my own experience the best D/s relationships were with those submissives that I talked about a lot of things, apart from their submissive feelings.

And that communication should feel right for you. And at some moment you will decide that the communication is good enough to continue to the next step which is based upon trust. Trust means that this connection feels well enough to submit. That you have communicated about all sorts of things, that you aren‘t pushed to submit. That you feel safe.

And perhaps honesty can be difficult at some times. Do you dare to tell your dominant that what he is doing feels so good for you? Or what he is doing doesn‘t feel good at all and you want him to stop that? Do you trust him enough for that? Do you feel that the relationship can handle that?

So that‘s my opinion based upon my own experiences….

@Somebody Thanks for your reply. That’s a good point about both sides being vulnerable -so the dominant one needs to be able to trust that the sub will play the game as promised from their side too?

That must have been great to discover the submissive women and then go with your instinct to care and control.

Can I ask, was the lady already familiar with being submissive or was it something she was discovering too?

@ABC100 she just excitedly and vulnerably squealed out that she was submissive, which I think was a huge part of the process. Her ability to expose something like that about herself and see what I thought about it really set the mood nicely. From there there was a great deal of me reassuring her and telling her that things about her psyche or her body were totally normal and okay, that kind of thing. For the most part my corrections of her ended up being more focused on unhealthy negative thoughts and irresponsible actions that needed curtailing. In retrospect, it's no wonder that I ended up more a parent than a paramour. But I still found the process arousing and fulfilling and I know that she and her husband are much happier now because I had that period of lovingly dominating her before they met.

@Somebody sounds like an interesting and fulfilling experience.

@ABC100 and that was only the first time.. but it always follows a similar pattern.

@Somebody when you say follows a similar pattern do you mean the content of the relationship as in curtailing the sub’s unhealthy behaviour or the outcome ?

@ABC100 Pretty much all of the above. Interesting, fulfilling, and ultimately temporary, but in a way that I'm still glad it happened. Each girl needs to be dominated in a unique way.

@Somebody Thank you for elaborating. Sounds like it was a mutually beneficial experience. 😀