How to find someone safe to play with?

I'm very new to BDSM, and I've only played with one person before, my previous partner. However, after exploring this site and doing some research, I now know that things I experienced with her aren't normal.

She did things I had listed as ‘No' on my kink sheet, wouldn't stop when I safe worded, and got pissed off when I started crying because I was so scared. I would have to have a friend come take care of me after she left me badly dropped. Eventually I broke up with her, but it's been 3 years since then, and while I want to find someone to play with, the whole experience left me badly shaken. I'm technically a switch, and I would like to find someone similar to play with, but how do you go about doing that safely? I'm kind of scared to meet a girl only to be terrified and ignored again.

Any suggestions on how to go about this safely would be really, really appreciated. I want to, but I'm really scared.

@Lesswitch - you might find the following discussion useful -

https://en.zity.biz/index.php?mx=forum;ox=display;topic=18120

Thank you very much @DrZ!

My advice to you is join fetlife.com. Create a profile and then search for groups local to your area. Join groups that look interesting to you and attend their public outings (Muches). You will find plenty of resources there on how to negotiate, how to be safe, etc. Best of luck.

OMG. So sorry you experienced this. There are too many bad people that ruin things for the good.

The good news now is, you have had a really bad person and hopefully you can take everything you learned and apply it to your next relationship.

You will never fall for no boundaries.

Join FetLife as someone suggested. Get to know the PEOPLE in your area. Don't put all your information out there. I have the next town listed on my profile. Or you can put Antarctica!

It takes a while to meet “your person” or “your people” but do go to Munches and Meet & Greets.

Get out and meet different people. Hopefully you will find a platonic friend that you can go to events with. Safety in numbers.

If there is a local dungeon, go. See if there is already a community.

Good luck.

Stay safe.

Wow! Sad to say I have heard this type of story many times and kudo's for not giving up as when you do find the right person, it is so much better.

As @Turkey1 as made some good suggestions and would like to add to that. I would be careful of the people on FetLife as many are not as they pretend to be. I usually find myself giving this advice to woman who are dealing with men but I think the following is applicable regardless. Meet the person in a public place for coffee/tea, and talk to them as equals. Observe what they say and how they say it, how do they treat others, like the wait staff, order taker, etc. Do they treat them with courtesy, politeness, good manners or are they demanding, rude, dismissive. Think how this person will treat you if they treat someone else poorly. Over 20 years ago someone in the scene said to me, if someone behaves a bit like an ass in the vanilla world, it is going to be magnified in the BDSM realm. So a little ass is going to be a big ass and that is not going to play well if you become the victim. I have said on this site somewhere, e.g., the good Doms and Masters seem like ordinary people, no air about them, no constantly proving who they are. They are polite, respectful people, easy to get along with, they don't expect to be addressed with a title, or be called sir. If you have good instincts, listen to those instincts as there is something going on despite the fact you can't put your finger on it.

Before I forget my manners, welcome to zity and if you have any questions or concerns, please feel free to contact anyone on the moderation team.

I got Interested in this sort of thing back in the 80s. The question was how to explore safely. I came across an ad in a San Francisco gay newspaper, the Advocate, by someone called Daddy Howard offering introductory sessions to curious men like myself. I decided to take a chance, playing hooky from a business convention to spend 5 or 6 hours with Daddy Howard. He gave me the Grand Tour. I learned what i liked, and what I liked less, and drove the two hours home with my bottom very warm and beet red. Over the years of being on the down low, I’ve trusted my instincts and have never had a bad or scary experience. Since Craigslist stopped running personal service ads I ve relied on chat rooms and forums like Zity to make new acquaintance. I consider it taking a calculated risk.

Resurrecting an old thread...

I've been fortunate, I guess. My work as a nude model led me to introduction to a local CFNM event and community. That led to an invitation to a kink/BDSM party and an introduction to that community.

I chickened out of the kink/BDSM party, but got to know some of the folks in that community.

After 2 months or so of meeting with two of those ladies once out twice a week, I accepted an invitation to be a patient in a play exam. Then I attended a munch as their guest (although only one of them showed up - the more dominant one), and then attended one of their evening events/ game night as her guest (the previous invitations had been as a sub or "the vanilla entertainment") - and as an observer, it was fascinating

My advice - take your time, be open minded, get to know your community before you become involved. Find a "sponsor" (not the right word), and talk everything through days before you engage) and make sure everyone is sober when you're talking through it.

I don’t want to sound pessimistic, but today’s world is saturated with dangerous people, who are physically attractive, and great communicators. I hear too many stories about people meeting in bars, and online, having instant attraction, and then being physically or psychologically harmed. I personally would not trust anyone who I haven’t known for a long time, and I would be sure to introduce them to my friends, and I would also want to be part of their social circle too. Just use good judgment. There are dozens of good people out there. Finding them is hard.

Couldn't agree more @JJM

In my case, my journey has been based on introductions by friends and people I trust. There has been extensive meetings and getting to know each other, and that has mostly included people outside of the kink community or people that I have known & trusted for quite some time.

Some advice, and this is how it has worked for me, see if you can find a mentor or guide in the community that can act as trusted advisor. Ideally, this would be someone respected/ known in the community but not necessarily someone that you will play with. Discuss your desires, boundaries, and limits - I started into this extremely naive, but my mentors have brought me in gently.

And always discuss safety, boundaries, and limits.

Another piece of advice: don't head into a munch alone or unguided. I think I benefited greatly by having a mentor/guardian angel. The munch wasn't the Wild West, but there were many different groups and tastes represented, and you don't want to stumble into the wrong group where your interests are not matched.

Also, see if you can attend an event as a guest first (your mentor or guide should be able to assist). That way, there are no expectations and you should be able to adequately gauge your comfort level. Community events/kink parties may not be common in your area - maybe I'm fortunate, but this community seems to have some organized event once a month or every six weeks or so. (The one I recently attended as a guest was basically a game night coupled with subs serving food and drinks in various states of undress or outfits, topped off with a fairly tame "main event" provided by two subs under direction of their Dom & Domme). It wasn't Eyes Wide Shut or 50 Shades - at least with this group.

Be safe out there, always communicate your comfort level, and if something doesn't feel right, leave.

But keep in mind, I'm just starting and have a lot to learn.

It's not easy.

in the past, I had luck with dating sites. sometimes good luck, sometimes bad luck.

then I got married.

Since the death of my sister, my lifelong partner in kink, I've been hoping to find another partner to play with. So far, no luck, but hope springs eternal.

Lots of good advice here, but you can never be 100% "Safe" when you meet someone for play, regardless of what site you found them on etc.

For example, I met someone on here, a few years ago, and we got together several times for play. She even posted pics of our adventures and was quite popular with alot of the guys on here. Sounds good so far, right? Well... I had a bit of a health scare and needed time to recover etc and I told her that I needed some alone time to recover. She seemed ok with it. The next thing I know, she sent a card to a property that I own as an investment. My tenants let me know it was there. Prior to this, we had BOUNDARIES already established which included respecting eachothers privacy.

She apparently did an internet search and found an address that she thought I lived at and took it upon herself to cross a boundary.

When confronted about it, she blew it off and said it was "No big deal"...

It's my understanding that she is now banned on here for doing similar things.