Being a sub

Okay, so I've been talking to a few different people here who are willing to be the dominant over me and I think that person and I have come to an agreement that I will be their sub. We have talked a lot about possibilities of things that will happen but I was wondering something. As a submissive, do I have to agree 100% to every single things that she wants or do I get any kind of say?

First of all, as the sub, you are really the one in control of what is done or what happens to you. Prior to the beginning of any session, you (as the sub) need to have a discussion with the Dom (or in your case the Domme). You should discuss in a level of detail, that you are comfortable with, what will happen during the session, what is acceptable, what is not acceptable, what your hard limits are, what your soft limits are, whether or not your limits can be pushed, and what precautions will be in place to keep you safe. You should discuss any illnesses or allergies you may have, any recent injuries, and all physical problems with your body. You will also need to establish a "safe word", which when said by you, will end the session right then and there. You should also set an approximate time length for the maximum duration of the session.

You should develop a level of trust between the two of you, as when you are in a totally helpless possibly fully restrained position, trust is the only thing that will protect you.

Other than this, enjoy yourself . . . . . or, well, maybe not!

And those conversations should be between you and your Dom or Domme. But it is always wise to ask questions but perhaps the person you should ask is once again the Dom or Domme in question.

And as you stated they are one this site and could read this.

Anyway hope things work out for you.

Faith

@WET That was very well summarized. Clearly. Thank you.

Best, Megan

I am pretty much open to anything and you can ask people on here who have seen me go from highly resistant to most everything to highly accepting to most everything.

@Faith I don’t think this post is who you think it’s about by the way you worded your reply. There are a number of people this could be about but it’s not about who I think is going through your mind.

I just know that my role to be really submissive and obey my domme and I will. I am not against anything this person has said thus far, I am just wondering, if it got to that point where something she said I was uncomfortable with - do I have a say or do I just have to be submissive because that’s my job? I know her job is supposed to be to be really dominant while also being patient. I read online that if they mention a place you don’t want to go that both of you have the right to say “no.” There should be a safe word as well and most of all, it should be fun for the both of you.

First I want to say I am a bit confused to your response to Faith. I tried to read between the lines (something I am usually very good at) of Faith’s response and I may have overlooked something but she did not seem to imply anything other than what you, yourself stated.

I am going to answer your question anyway,perhaps along with the accurate advice from @Wet & @Faith it will help someone else with the same questions.

I am by no means an expert on this topic but from being here and dabbling a bit myself,I think I have acquired some good, sound knowledge from some amazing people here.

Every D/S relationship is different as are the dynamics. The things that remains a constant though, is that the Sub, always has a right to ultimately refuse and or stop at any time. That is to be 100% respected with no repercussions for doing so.

Let me back up for just a minute and say that there should be some lengthy discussions with the Sub & dom prior to any scene or relationship they may have. Goals and expectations should be clearly made. What does each person want to accomplish? Is it just for play or part of a more intricate relationship? Are you looking to be under the care of someone or want to be held accountable for your actions, bad habits, reach certain goals, etc. The list can go on and on.

Not only should all of this be discussed at lenght but a dom should get to know their sub. Along with what Wet & Faith said, a dom needs to know when and where to push, to help their sub get the best out of the experience.

There should be a great trust between and mutual respect between the two.

A dom should expect their sub to “obey” and not just refuse because they just didnt feel like going through “it” at the moment. By that I mean it should not be abused on the subs part.

I think the most important part, as with any relationship is that there always needs to be ongoing communication.

Being sub has many resposibilities as does the dominant. dont be too quick to jump into something without making sure its what you want and will be safe. i agree with bridgette and faith. dont just settle for a dominant. make sure its the right one for you

@sassy_chick YOU always have the right to disagree or stop something. You don't just submit to everything ESPECIALLY if it isn't safe.

Total prior agreement is essential. The sub must specify exactly what is wanted, after which the dom should be very strict within the agreed limits and tolerate no protest.

For example, my fetish is buttock injections and I often go a dominatrix nurse to get them. I specify in advance that I want the shots to be as painful and humiliating as possible, after which it is up to her and I am totally at her mercy when she makes me drop trousers, pull down pants and bend over her receptionist's lap. The embarrassment of the receptionist watching me get them in my vulnerable bare bottom satisfies my craving for humiliation and the fact that she is holding me firmly in place ensures that I have to endure all the posterior punctures the "nurse" chooses to administer no matter how painful. Owing to the original agreement, no protest of mine about what I get or how is tolerated so that the treatment is thrillingly just what I hoped for.

Okay, so I've been talking to a few different people here who are willing to be the dominant over me and I think that person and I have come to an agreement that I will be their sub. We have talked a lot about possibilities of things that will happen but I was wondering something. As a submissive, do I have to agree 100% to every single things that she wants or do I get any kind of say?

Once you get there and you've talked about what she can and can't do you don't get any kind of say. If she wants to whip your ass then walk you down Michigan Avenue on a leash she can. You can have a safe word but if you ever use it you will be done with her forever. You can't have it both ways. Put yourself in her hands completely or forget it.

Once you get there and you've talked about what she can and can't do you don't get any kind of say. If she wants to whip your ass then walk you down Michigan Avenue on a leash she can. You can have a safe word but if you ever use it you will be done with her forever. You can't have it both ways. Put yourself in her hands completely or forget it.

I'm not the strictest Domme in the world or a Domme bitch, but I can certainly show you who's unquestionably the boss and whip your ass into shape.

I find it unreasonable to stop play for the day just because you used a safe word especially when you are in a new relationship and obviously this won't work if you are playing solely with your spouse. You can't stop play forever with your spouse. Nobody has to implicitly put themselves in the hands of another person. Use the safe words to slow play if needed and work with each other to expand one's limits, not to shut everything down because some activity doesn't work for you.

@Moppys_jalopy said, “ You can have a safe word but if you ever use it you will be done with her forever”

I have to disagree with this, strongly disagree.

A safe word is put in place for just that reason, the subs safety. It is to let the dom know the sub is either in trouble, physically or mentally or that they have had enough and can not continue.

The only time that the sub should be penalized(ending the d/s relationship) is if the use of their safe word was abused.

In a bdsm scene, with the green, yellow, red being our agreed upon safe words I had to call yellow and I had absolutely no apprehension doing so. I knew there would be no repurcussions. A real dom will not only be acceptable of doing so but absolutely want you to ! Your safety is their foremost priority.

I real dom will also monitor their subs and call a stop if they feel like they could cause injury if the scene continues.

That is was mutual trust is between a dom and their sub .

I would love to hear from other doms regarding this thread.

Once you get there and you've talked about what she can and can't do you don't get any kind of say. If she wants to whip your ass then walk you down Michigan Avenue on a leash she can. You can have a safe word but if you ever use it you will be done with her forever. You can't have it both ways. Put yourself in her hands completely or forget it.

@Moppys_jalopy Sorry, I don’t agree with this at all. Safe words are for a reason, and YELLOW is perfect to get a check in because something is approaching ‘too much’, but not end the scene. Every dynamic is different and hard limits should always be discussed. However it is impossible to go through EVERY little thing that might happen. It also would take away from the organic nature of the scene if the discussion before was ‘First I’m going to use a small speculum, then a large, then an anal spreader, then an anal viewer, then xxx...’ and getting an OK after each one. It would make for a boring script, with no surprises and no spontaneity. I like to keep some things hidden to amp up the OMG WOW factor when they first see an instrument of mine. However, they know that they can call ‘yellow’ at any time if something seems too much. Plus, my surprises might be different kind of toys or tools... but never suddenly bringing in a 3rd person, even if they had said it might be OK.

Personally if I ever made a sub call RED, I would consider that somewhat of a failure of mine, not blame her. My JOB is to know my sub, keep her safe, and care for her before during and after the scene. I KNOW she wants to take what I give to please me, so she will probably take more than she thought she could, but for me to push her to RED, means I really went too far, and I misjudged my actions as well as her reactions to what I’m doing to her.

@sassy_chick

Okay, so I've been talking to a few different people here who are willing to be the dominant over me . . . As a submissive, do I have to agree 100% to every single things that she wants or do I get any kind of say?

Congratulations on finding people you think you can work with and I hope that is the case for you. I am not a 100% submissive myself, more of a bottom I would say, but may I caution you about making any sort of agreement which forces you to go along with whatever a dominant says. You and the dominant need to discuss specific things ahead of time and you need to look for the sort of dominant who will constantly monitor things so that mutual needs are being met. The ideal for me is someone with dominant tendencies, but for whom the bottom line is a sense of making sure I am protected. So NO, you should not accept ANYTHING a dominant wants and you and the dominant should be in a running dialogue as you plan scenes so that YOU DO HAVE A SAY. If not, it can boil down to simply being abuse and meeting only the needs of the dominant one.

I say this having been through the experience of helping someone I know escape a dangerous long term relationship from a partner who in the end did not care about her or the kids really in the abusive home he'd created in their lives. Don't turn off your brain PLEASE!

No you never need to do anything you do not want to or are uncomfortable with period. It may make them a little upset but your feelings matter more when its happening to you. If they leave you because you said no to something that's their fault.

Interesting that if a sub calls for the safe word it's the Dom/ Domme's fault for not understanding. Interesting. And that is correct you never have to do something you don't wish to do. However, the only time fault can be handed down is from the fact that both individuals didn't do their do dilligence. That is why the interview is so important.

The Dom/ Domme is at fault when they don't recognize the pit falls and or recognize the signs of a bad candiadate. The Submissive is at fault if they don't see the underlying agenda of the Dom/ Domme.

Look people. These games are not for the weak hearted or weak willed. And most people that desire these relationships are highly intelligent.

I'm the kind of person that once is satisfied with what the Submissive desires, I'm all in. I create an event schedule that allows both of us to reach our set goals. There are no short cuts and no surprises and no comments about what is allowed tonight or not allowed tonight.

Prior to a scene, event, task, chore, or whatever. If the Sub is ill or injured it is on her or him to inform his/her Dom/Domme.

And yes I am proponet of the one and done.

I've only had one submissive call the safe word in fifteen years I've been doing this from the Domme side of life and that individual tried to flip the scene and become the dominant. Homie doesn't play that game.

And out the door she went. Kind of sad. She had potential and then humiliated herself by begging me to take her back both privately and publicly.

I don't play that game either.

Anyway thought I would share from my point of view.

Faith

I would never have a play scene without a lot of discussion. i do have my limits. and if no safeword you will not be scening with me

Welcome to Zity, @savannah60. We're glad you're here too.

No you dont have to agree on everything. I sure there's things your dom wants to do to you that you dont feel comfortable doing and they should respect that