Dear Xtrlvn4V,
You posted last winter, so this reply may be less useful, but might be to others.
My sub and I have been to several public BD/sm clubs and play parties. I'm near Philadelphia and there are a number of clubs, parties, munches, etc. I went to the most prominent one solo to check it out. Everyone was respectful and friendly and I never felt like I was perceived as a perv/voyeur. There were several demonstrations by professionals, one part of one that would be considered extreme (scrotal infusion), so there were many spectators. I was able (and welcome) to observe others' play (rigging, cupping, spanking, whipping, etc.) without feeling conspicuous. I met several people who are regulars and they welcomed me back the next time.
My sub and I have since attended several of their monthly parties and everyone has been friendly, polite, respectful and helpful. While we have not played with others, many others do. We have shared or handed off equipment (they provide all of the cleaning and hygiene products, as needed) and had friendly chats with others. They have DMs (Dungeon Monitors) to assure everyone is safe and 100% consensual. The space is a former factory with two floors of high-ceiling, totally open space and a great variety of equipment is provided: crosses, spanking benches, massage tables, a chain spider-web, suspension frames and industrial chains attached to the ceiling beams, a performance stage, etc. The only enclosed spaces are restrooms and a unisex changing room to switch between street and scene clothes. This club has no limits re: full-on sex (lots of that as the night wears on!) or BD/sm play, except that any "wet" play must comply with their safety and hygiene rules. There's always one (sometimes two) vendors offering hand-made, magnificent paddles, floggers and whips.
We have been to a nationally famous annual event in DC that fills one large hotel and most of another. Tons of space, equipment, careful monitoring, classes and public and semi-public play. Very few limits. Everyone is very friendly, whether for solos, couples, trios, etc. and all restrooms are gender-neutral. I was the newbie (my sub had been before) and felt completely comfortable, even when we went "sight-seeing" - which was very, very common. Street legal clothes to get in, anything goes inside. A HUGE array of vendors selling equipment, scene clothes, ropes, toys, custom-made canes, whips, paddles and almost anything you might buy on-line, but it's there.
Another local, monthly club here rents a multi-level night club (BYOB). That space spans 3 floors and has some private rooms/booths, as well as a lot of open play spaces, equipment, an "orgy room" with floor mats and large picture windows for viewing. They also arrange for professional demonstrations, have a unisex locker room with shower (for wet play, too), good security, monitors, sex toy vendors, etc. Very different vibe from #1, above, but still very sexy.
We've also attended some private house parties. These tend to be extra-kinky and wide open, but we knew the hosts and what to expect.
All of these venues have VERY strict no-photo policies, although the first two have professional photographers on duty to take pictures PROVIDED you have signed a release and wear an extra "consent" wristband.
Trepidation is completely understandable. Do your homework and research the reputation and frequency of the events - we did. When you decide to jump in, don't feel obligated to do any more than observe and decide when/if to play (with your partner or those you meet there). Make sure to meet and check in with the DM so s/he knows you're new and they'll take good care of you. Know and insist on adherence to your limits - you can always change them if/when you're comfortable.