Not sure who I am

I'm not sure who I really am sexually, so here are some snippets from my life, comments welcome:

As a kid, I hated sports, and always played with my sister and her friends. I had my own dolls, doll-baby stroller, and would even put on my older sister's hand-me-down sundress over my boy-clothes sometimes when we played. I had forgotten about this, until a couple of years ago when we were watching some old home movies from the early sixties, and there I appeared on the movie screen at 5 years old. It was Summer, and I was pushing my doll coach down the sidewalk with my sister and her friend, I'm wearing a sundress, with my diapers and rubber pants peeking out under my sundress. ( I was impossible to potty-train, my next youngest brother was trained a year before me, and I was a bedwetter into my teens. As such, I'm a Diaper lover, but that's another story)

Other reels showed us in our Halloween costumes through the years, and mine all had a definite theme. Through the years I was dressed as Cinderella, Snow White, a Fairy Godmother, Pixanne (a local Kids show host, I believe it was syndicated and there was a "Pixanne" on a local TV station in most major markets) Dorothy (I had a stuffed toy dog in a basket as Toto). I had forgotten about my Halloween costumes as well, but I remember being called "Sissy" quite often. My Mom would often say that I was going to grow up to be a "Queer" and instead of marrying a woman, I'd end up living with a man like her Uncle and 2 cousins did. ( I never knew which Uncle or cousins she was talking about.) Upon watching the movies with my brothers and sisters we all had a good chuckle.

When I was about 8, my older sister and her friends lost interest in me, as they were old enough to ride their bikes to other neighborhoods and vist other school friends. About this time an older couple accross the street started having their Grandkids show up for the Summer, a boy about my age, and a girl about 2 years younger than me. The boy and I were somewhat friends, but it didn't take long for him to start calling me a "Sissy" as well. One Summer afternoon we were on my front lawn with some other kids in the neighborhood and he started calling me a Sissy again. At one point he said that I was such a sissy that his little sister could beat me up. Eventually he goaded her into punching me. I was tiny for my age, even my next youngest brother was bigger than me, and this girl was definitely bigger than me. It took no time for me to be crying like a baby, and I ran into the house and cried to my mother, who said that I would need to learn to fight better as boys like to beat up sissies.

The next day I was playing in the backyard, and the little girl showed up. I was wary, but she wanted to play dolls, and we became fast friends. We played dolls together for the next 3 Summers.

Through the years I never really had a girlfriend. I was "best-friends" with a very cute girl I went to school with from my Junior year in High School until our first year in College. Being cute, she dated alot, and would talk to me about her boyfriends and stuff. Once in a while she would coax me into admitting I was gay, as she was sure I was, and she would always be my friend no matter what. She felt I was in denial, as I never showed interest in her "...in that way...". I was horrified that she'd think that, and would insist that I wasn't. The female form never aroused me, and I assumed I just had a low sex drive.

At this point, I may be gay, trans, a crossdresser, definitely a DL, I don't know what I am.

Thoughts ?

You may be trans, or somewhere else on the gender spectrum. If you believe there are only boys and girls, you may have some difficulty. Being on the spectrum puts boys at one end and girls at the other, with an infinite amount of variations in between. I would suggest talking to a good gender therapist.

Your sexuality is unrelated to your gender. You can be anywhere on the gender spectrum, and still be gay, straight, bi, or any other, since it's a spectrum too.

Crossdressing is usually a fetish. In my years of working with gender diverse people tho', a lot of transgender people started with crossdressing, to determine exactly how far that rabbit hole goes. Some discovered they were trans, some just used crossdressing as a temporary escape, or a sexual outlet.

As a volunteer working with LBGT youth, I have often suggested- If your gender/sexuality issues are causing you significant grief, disrupting your life, or causing suicidal feelings, see a therapist. If you put on a dress, masturbate, and then take it off...you're probably just fine.

Talking it out with someone is always your best start.

I don't see nothing wrong with it, i was dressed in girl clothes by an older cousin and was made to model for her and her friends. I played dolls and barbies with my cousins and fiends (all girls) i was and still am very sensitive to this day i been called sissy so many time can't count but it don't bother me at all.

Okay, I'm just going to go ahead and ask the stupid question:

Where do you want to put the sausage?

If you're not sure, as others suggested you could talk to a therapist or whatever, but hell if you're wondering about what sex you like (and what your sexuality is) why not go have some sex!? See what you like!

I dont see anything wrong by playing with dolls or to wear the girlie clothing in the childhood and I think there are many men who played this way. It has not to make you a girl-minded or girl/woman gender thinking person. Maybe your hormons level is a bit different, maybe your libido is lower, maybe you are just too gentle than usual men, but trust me you are still a man. Maybe you just need to find the right person to understand you or you just have to feel safe in the arms of your woman... ;-)

Well, I am not expert enough to answer your question. But, this is the great strength of Zity. It is an amazing site, where people can feel secure enough to truly bare their souls in the most intimate way without fear of ridicule.

First up, I tnink that it is great that you have described some of tnose childhood experiences in such vivid detail. I am sure your family was very loving, but....50+ years ago there was simply far less tolerance / understanding of sexual identity and complex psychological / emotional problems and issues. Some of your mother's remarks and the attitude of the neighbour's grandson were probably atypical of that era. Essentially, they did not / could not understand the way you felt and behaved. Heaven knows...everyone was pressurised by societal 'norms' too.

I would say that there was nothing inherently wrong with your behaviour at all. It was just different to that of many boys and you were clearly much more in touch with the feminine aspects of your personality. You do not mention much about school, presumably you had to conform a little more with boyish 'dress codes' there as well as contend with undoubted peer pressure refs the conventional view of 'maleness'.

You mention that you were not / are not physically attracted to girls / women. Again, nothing wrong with that. Were you ever / or are you now atteacted to males in any way. ..,as you do not make your thoughts clear. Maybe you are not interested in sny kind of physical / sexual / personal (beyond companionship / friendship ) relationships. Agsin, all fine...it's just that you seem uncertain....and still searching for answers, even after all these years.

But...at least you have now got all of this 'out in the open', which is great. I feel sure that there are many people amongst Zity's vast and experienced membership who will be able to offer useful advice and observations.

Schoolmedsboi has written far more eloquently than I could on your question and I agree with everything he has written . 30/40/50 years ago the world was much more conformist. If you were a boy you liked the colour blue and played sports . Similarly girls would be a pink and all frills. There was no middle ground and not much tolerance. The reality is there is a whole spectrum . So I would say be who you want to be , whether that be Straight, gay or bi or someone who is just not interested in sex . you are yourself, you don’t need to conform to a type. If you want to be open, fine , if you want to hide it that’s ok too, as long as you are reconciled within yourself and not tearing yourself up with anxiety.

IMO...

Pre-puberty, there is no real reason - other than evolved societal norms/dictates - that a child should [want] to dress in and particular style or colors, or play with any particular toys. The "sissy" moniker was a result of some kids' parents enforcing such a dictate and allowing their kids to tolerate only their "norms".

Puberty throws a lot of confusion and options into the mix. Unlike "n/a", I do not subscribe to the idea that there is a "gender spectrum". A person is either male or female by biology (XY vs XX chromosomes).

After puberty, a person may be sexually attracted to the opposite or same sex (homosexual vs heterosexual), or both (bisexual); having no sexual drive is also a possibility, but that does not change one's biology.

A person may choose to deviate from or rebel against ANY societal norm or dictate. Regardless of sexual attraction, a person may choose to adhere to societal norms of dress and behavior, or may choose to deviate from them (e.g., crossdressing). Such behavior also does not change one's biology, but ONLY deviates from often-random (e.g., Scottish kilts for men) societal preferences. A man who dresses like a woman and is sexually attracted to men is simply a crossdressing homosexual.

I still cannot resolve in my mind the recent "transgender" trend. No amount of hormones or surgery will change a person's chromosomes. No person born male will ever grow a uterus and bear a child. No person born female will ever produce sperm and impregnate a woman.

If a male wants to live as a woman (i.e., adopting the society-defined public gender roles of women, such as dress and mannerisms), that's his choice - and vice versa. If, while doing so, he chooses to use drugs to change external, secondary sexual characteristics, I suppose that is also his choice. OTOH, the very fact that extensive psychological counseling is also required for such "therapies" leads me to believe that it is a disorder or mental disease that drives it. Increasingly, maiming his body with surgery is becoming a socially accepted option as well.

As long as he is able to afford all that on his own nickel, I have no objection. A crossdresser or "transgender woman" walking down the street has no effect on me. However, once he expects me to pay for it via the social welfare system or insurance pool, I DO object.

@WhoAmI said

I'm not sure who I really am sexually, so here are some snippets from my life, comments welcome.. . . . .

At this point, I may be gay, trans, a crossdresser, definitely a DL, I don't know what I am.

Thoughts ?

.

Your life snippets, crossdressing and diaper preferences do not matter.

You have stated in your profile that you are MALE.

I am going to ask some simple and pointed questions that you MUST answer either "YES" OR "NO". Not answering or saying "I don't know" is a bullshit answer and then I will be done here.

This is a NO BULLSHIT ZONE.

After seeing your answers, we will be able to answer your question very quickly and with certainty.

1--Do you presently want to have sex with men?

2--Have you had sex with men more than two times?

3--Do you like having sex with men?

4--Do you presently want to have sex with women?

5--Have you had sex with women more than two times?

6--Do you like having sex with women?

7--Do you live your life as a man or a woman?

8--Do your neighbors think you are a man or a woman?

.

Answer those questions and I will tell you with great certainty if you are homosexual, heterosexual, bisexual or trans.

I think there's plenty of insightful answers here, thought it a little odd that all your "snippets" were from your childhood with no current info. In that vein, i appreciate Switchable's questions/post because they address where you are now.

i also agree with the views of several here who note "norms," especially norms from several decades ago when heteronormative was the default setting for everyone.

Labels make it easier for us to communicate, but labels are static and i believe life is fluid. A great thing about this type of community is there is pretty much no standard setting expectation by many here, there may not be a label that fits because one may have all sorts of custom (so to speak) ingredients.

Another take on the question asked by this thread (effectively, 'who am I?') is given by the recent book 'How We Desire'. I've put a mini-review of it here: Discussions/The Lounge/The Parlor/'How We Desire' - joyfully, let's hope!

I just looked at SwitchableSusie's ten questions below. I rate myself as definitely bisexual! (That's in keeping with the spirit of the above-mentioned book, I think!) Historically, I started out with just gay (or auto-erotic) feelings but am nowadays very attracted to a young lady half my age. Mind, she (a) likes ME, and (b) has a sweet, boyish bottom! Also, she has lovely white teeth and impeccable skin! I'll shut up now!

- Ken

This is an interesting question as I'm sure there are many of us "out there" who have questioned our gender "preferences" (not gender as we're born either male or female, not both).

I am gay and have always been gay since I first realized I was attracted to other boys by the time I was 9 or 10 though I did not really understand sexuality at the time. I, too, played with dolls and cross-dressed with other boys (more out of sexual fun than really wanting to dress like a girl). I found the male anatomy and personality more attractive to me than those of females. My first sexual relationship came at age 18 when I moved in with a much older gay male and lived with him for 5 years before breaking off the relationship.

I had trouble with my identity. I did NOT want to be gay. Growing up in a world that was mostly homophobic and against anything out of the societal norms made it worse. Shortly after breaking up my first male/male relationship, I found and married a woman also several years older than me. We had many episodes of sex during the marriage, which lasted only 3 years because she was so addicted to sex that she was humping every man she could get her hands on even while we were married (I finally divorced her). I've had sex with other women and enjoyed it; however, I soon learned that I was still much more attracted to males than females.

In answering the questions that were posted by @SwitchableSusie, I've concluded that I'm definitely gay - not bisexual or straight or anything else. But then, I really knew that all along. Although I can enjoy sex with both genders, my PREFERENCE, especially when it comes to intimacy, is with other males. Even though I have tried to change it, mainly because of my religious beliefs (I'm a Christian, not Atheist), I've been totally unsuccessful. I've come to the conclusion that we are pre-wired to our preferences, not by choice. We're really left with only one option - acceptance - of who we are and what we are. Our utmost desire to is to be happy in our lives, and acceptance is the only way to fulfill that desire.

Interesting reading the responses here,

Most of the posters don't have a clue, only ideas and what they've heard or read somewhere. I know, because I have lived with similar issues my entire life.

Due to molestation and sexual experimentations when young, I never had sex with a female until I was 21. I love women, but I do enjoy sex with men. I am truly bisexual I believe today. if a person had a penis and vagina, I would be in heaven. I"m not talking about transsexuals here, not talking about hermaphrodites, which are extremely rare those that have functional organs of both sexes.

I don't have gender confusion. I am a man, I enjoy being a man, I enjoy having sex with men and women. Though, truth be told, I am better able these days to perform with men, though, closeness, caressing, kissing etc, I dont really enjoy with men, but with women.

I don't usually have casual sex either, and the total amount of sexual partners I've had in my life could be counted on 2 hands. and I'm over 40.

My confusion has led to a life formerly filled with lonliness. No longer though. I've just finally come to terms with my sexuality about 2 years ago when a friend confessed his longtime interest in me. With that came a huge boost in my confidence and self esteem. No longer do I consider myself a weird, lonely, ugly outcast. I've found that by finding myself attractive, I am attractive to others and now find it quite easy to get a date.

My advice to anyone is to truly try to step out of yourself and take a good look at you, your interests, fears, and hopes. If you find acceptance, you'll find confidence, not arrogance, if you find confidence, the world is yours.