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Cynthia was a very bad patient the other day when her cg brought her in for an exam, seems she was walking funny and said her bottom hurt. She wouldn’t put her legs in the stirrups so instead I bent her over my knee and gave her the most surprising spanking that she'd ever had.

"Ready to be a good girl and do as you're told now?" I asked her. She nodded, wiping away her tears, as she climbed up on the table and laid on her back, about to place her legs in the stirrups. "Ah-ah, not this time. Need to take a look at your bottom today," I informed her. Her face went pale, but wisely she caught herself before she complained. Instead, she slowly mounted the table and looked back at me while on her hands and knees, the shape practically dripping from her.

I arranged her into position, which she didn't like at all, and then inserted the thermometer. She squealed, "Take it out! Take it out!" I gave her another little smack to remind her of consequences, and then told her to hold still. It turned out she had a mild temperature. Also ... if I wasn't mistaken ... while my hand was on the thermometer and about to remove it I could swear I heard some sort of buzzing. Probably just some florescent light that needs fixing, I told myself.

We’d done this several times before but this time she resisted any time I approached her little bottom, as if she had any choice in the matter. I had her caregiver hold her head and shoulders down, but she kept squirming. Finally, I told her that if she wouldn’t cooperate I’d have to get out my instrument and it would be much worse for her. So I did.

She whimpered and begged as I touched the metal tube to her little brown eye, but I told her it was for her own good and begging wouldn’t help. She stopped, briefly, until I pushed it inside her. Then she really squealed as I pushed it deeper and deeper.

Finally I took a look and you’ll never guess what I found. Well, maybe you would. A vibrator! Apparently she was playing with herself when her cg came home and instead of pulling it out she pushed it in all the way. She couldn’t get it out for an entire day!

Well, you can imagine the bawling that came as I stretched her wide open with the rectal speculum and had to use the large forceps to remove it. Her cg just laughed and laughed … “she didn’t scream that much when I surprised her with her first anal!”

I sent her home with directions for him to take her temperature twice daily, and to come back in a week for a follow up unless she gets a fever which probably means an infection somewhere she wouldn’t want an infection, if you know what I mean.

Next time I see her we’ll go straight to the procedure room where I have restraints for difficult patients. I recommended a full colonoscopy to make sure she hasn’t lost any more toys where they don’t belong. He refuses to allow her sedation though, so I guess it’ll be another uncomfortable visit for poor little Cynthia!