TANNER

Oh my God. That was … incredible.

“What are you thinking?” Dr. Valero asked, eyeing me curiously. Though she maintained a professional air, her eyes were sparkling again. She might as well have been smiling. They lit up her entire face.

I wasn’t exactly sure how to respond. Truthfully I wasn’t thinking much at all. I was too consumed with feeling.

“I’m … not quite sure,” I replied honestly.

“What are you feeling?” she asked. The phone on the counter rang, and she turned away momentarily and redirected the call elsewhere before facing me once again.

“Really good,” I said before I even had time to refine my answer. “I’ve never really … wow. I don’t know. That was … quite something.”

“You’ve never listened to your own heartbeat?” she asked with interest.

“No. I mean … why would I? And how could I?”

She smiled and stood up, pushing her chair under the counter and collecting her pile of charting and her stethoscope. It appeared things were coming to an end so I rose as well.

“Well, sometimes people are curious. They’ll ask me if they can listen when they come to see me,” she said simply. “I’ve had patients tell me they bought their own stethoscope to satisfy their curiosity.”

“Really?” I asked, fascinated by this whole new world I’d only just learned about.

She nodded, ushering me toward the door. “Really,” she responded. “Like I said though, it’s very uncommon. I haven’t seen a patient with a reactive heart like yours for several years.” As she was opening the door, our eyes met squarely, and she must have caught a glimpse of all the unanswered questions hiding inside of me. “Tell you what,” she said, stopping and putting her pile of stuff down yet again. “Are you interested in … exploring this a little further?”

The question took me by surprise. Was I? Of course I was. “Sure. Yes,” I answered.

“Can you swing a stethoscope on Amazon for $25 or $30?” Again, her question took me by surprise.

“Sure.”

“Okay then. Here’s what I want you to do. Buy yourself an inexpensive stethoscope, and I want you to listen to yourself daily for thirty days. Do you think you can do that?” she asked. She was being completely serious. I nodded my head.

“Yeah, I can do that. For how long?”

“Two or three minutes, tops. Whatever time of day fits into your life most easily. Just do it at the same time every day, alright?” I nodded, and then she picked her stuff up again and pushed me the rest of the way out of the exam room.

“Then what? What is it I’m supposed to do?” I asked, wanting to be certain I understood the instructions. We reached the reception area and she deposited me up front.

“Just listen,” she said simply, placing a gentle hand on my back as she started back down the hallway. “And come back and see me in a month.”

CELIA

It seemed to me that the days grew shorter and shorter as each one passed. My practice was thriving, even growing, which was great, but I wanted to have a life outside of work too. Some days I just came home thoroughly depleted. Today was one of those days. It had started out busy and only gotten crazier when I was called to the ED to attend to one of my regular clinic patients. It ended up being a fifteen-hour day, and I was exhausted.

The minute I walked through my front door and kicked off my shoes I was peeling off my clothes, leaving a trail directly to my master bath. Stepping into the steam of a hot shower, I let the water pelt down over my head and shoulders, flowing over my breasts and down the length of my achy body. It felt so good to wash the day off of me, and I stepped out of the shower feeling calmer, if not entirely rejuvenated. I was toweling myself dry when the phone rang, and I ran back to my bedroom to grab it before it went to voicemail.

“Hello?” I said, slightly out of breath.

“Cece? Hey, you sound winded. Is everything okay?”

“Hey, Jess,” I sighed, sinking down onto the side of my bed. “Yeah, everything’s fine. The day just kind of kicked my ass. I actually just got out of the shower.”

After a brief silence, I could hear Jess chuckle at the other end of the line.

“Cece, when are you going to take some time off? You work these ridiculous hours and then say the day has kicked your ass. You’re kicking your own ass. It’s okay to take care of yourself, sis.” Jessie’s tone made me smile. She had a way of grounding me like no one else could. I chalked it up to a lifetime’s share of sisterly secrets. I loved her for it.

I hung up with Jess and slipped into my coziest PJs: a well-worn, bamboo pair that always felt cool and light against my skin. They were my favorite chill at home PJs, which is precisely what I intended to do. It was Friday night, and I didn’t have to work again until Tuesday. I uncorked a bottle of wine, turned on some chill music, and sank into my couch to decompress. Just closing my eyes and savoring the solitude felt wonderful, and a couple of times I caught myself nodding off with the wine glass still in my hand. I set it down and snuggled back into my couch, just as a new song started from my playlist …

Close your eyes, give me your hand, darling

Do you feel my heart beating?

Do you understand? Do you feel the same?

Am I only dreaming?

Is this burning an eternal flame ….

I was singing along to the lyrics, which always made me tingly inside. The heart thing. I closed my eyes and put my hand on my chest. It was so calming. A moment later I got up and grabbed my stethoscope from the entryway table and brought it back to the couch with me, propping some pillows on one side and slipping off my PJ top. Closing my eyes, I put my hand back on my now bare chest and began breathing deeply. Slowly in for a count of four, holding for a count of four, and slowly out for a count of four. It was called box breathing, and I recommended it to anxious patients all the time. When done mindfully, it was very effective.

Then I took my stethoscope and placed the diaphragm at the center of my chest, and continued with the box breathing. I took my time, listening carefully to my heart at each of the five main auscultation points, finding the clearest and loudest beats over the pulmonic and mitral points. Finally resting with the diaphragm nestled strategically at the base of my left breast, I felt the last of the day’s tension melt away under the tranquil rhythm of my beating heart, and my mind began to wander.

I found myself thinking about the patient I’d met a few weeks prior, the one who I suspected also had a heart thing. I chuckled to myself, recalling that I’d sent him home with auscultation homework. I wonder how that’s going? Chances were good that he’d left and not given it a second thought, but … you never know. My mind – which was now very much awake and alive again – conjured up an image of him here with me, auscultating my bare chest while softly kissing my pillowy breasts. Before long, I could feel my entire body pulsing in unison with my heart beat, and I slipped my hand – his hand – gently inside my panties.

As my arousal increased so did my heart rate, and I knew he could hear the loud and quickening thumping in his ears. I engaged my kegels, squeezing in a futile effort to try and slow the pleasure building between my legs. Eventually, I could no longer keep still, and I started slowly rotating and thrusting my hips against his hand, which had begun to explore the inner petals of my moist vagina, teasing around the periphery of my raw, exposed clitoris and dipping a slow and steady finger inside, and then two, pushing me even closer to the edge.

“Oh my God … aaahhh … oohh….” I couldn’t keep quiet.

I mewled with increasing urgency, the rhythm of his petting matching the rhythm of my pounding heart as they throbbed in exquisite unison. My breathing was accelerating and I felt myself losing control in the most delicious way, his hands and mouth freely exploring.

“Oh, yes … mmmm … don’t stop, oh God … YES!” I could feel the intensity building inside of me, knew he was hearing my heart pounding loud in his ears, and then it happened. Like that split second right before the precipitous plunge on a roller coaster, my breath hitched and he took me over the edge, and I arched my back as I climaxed deliciously, jerking uncontrollably before slumping back onto the couch, breathless and satisfied. I stayed very still, allowing my breathing to slow, as he listened to my heart calm to its normal rhythm.

Holy fuck.