So I'm 37 and it's been 10 years since my last long term relationship. I have lots of excuses for that. I've had to care for elderly parents. I've focused on my career. I'm a redhead and all of the stereotypes are true. I'm an engineer so I'm relatively smart and I make good money. The things that make me a good engineer, I can't turn off. That long term relationship made me gun shy about men. I'm heavy and have body issues. This was true even when I was much thinner. I don't seem able to have casual sex and it just be casual. If I trust somebody enough to sleep with, I tend to get attached. I'm too honest about my feelings. And the excuses go on and on.
And basically, I'm not willing to change myself. I'm not going to play stupid. I'm not going to wear fancy clothes and make up to please somebody. I feel that if someone is interested in me, they should take me as I am.
Obviously I haven't been successful finding a partner. And all of this is before I take into account that I'm more than a little kinky. I tend to want to take control in a relationship though I'm sexually submissive and like quite a bit of pain. And if a man allows me to take charge, I have trouble submitting later if we end up in bed. I have a need to please whoever I'm with and though my intentions are good, that usually doesn't work out well.
I live in the middle of nowhere. Ive given up on traditional dating sites. A lot of men say they like strong women but I guess it takes an exceptional man to actually deal with one especially when I want to surrender control when in bed. So I joined fetlife and have sent messages to any locals that sound like relative fits for me. And crickets. I've decided to attend local munches when they come up. We'll see how that goes.
As I approach 40, I'm accepting the fact that I'm almost unbearably lonely.
Should I just give up on the kink stuff and return to finding a normal guy? Am I just too much of an oxymoron to find a good fit? Or should I just resign myself to being alone and make the most of online friendships and self pleasure?
I had a bad weekend so I'm a little more raw than usual. Usually I get on with my shit and just deal. Maybe being active here has led me to again wanting more. I'm under an incredible amount of stres at work and at home. I'd like to relieve stress in the traditional getting my brains banged out.
Long story short, I'm lonely and feeling sorry for myself. Any advise would be welcome.