What's wrong with me?

WARNING: Pity party ahead

So I'm 37 and it's been 10 years since my last long term relationship. I have lots of excuses for that. I've had to care for elderly parents. I've focused on my career. I'm a redhead and all of the stereotypes are true. I'm an engineer so I'm relatively smart and I make good money. The things that make me a good engineer, I can't turn off. That long term relationship made me gun shy about men. I'm heavy and have body issues. This was true even when I was much thinner. I don't seem able to have casual sex and it just be casual. If I trust somebody enough to sleep with, I tend to get attached. I'm too honest about my feelings. And the excuses go on and on.

And basically, I'm not willing to change myself. I'm not going to play stupid. I'm not going to wear fancy clothes and make up to please somebody. I feel that if someone is interested in me, they should take me as I am.

Obviously I haven't been successful finding a partner. And all of this is before I take into account that I'm more than a little kinky. I tend to want to take control in a relationship though I'm sexually submissive and like quite a bit of pain. And if a man allows me to take charge, I have trouble submitting later if we end up in bed. I have a need to please whoever I'm with and though my intentions are good, that usually doesn't work out well.

I live in the middle of nowhere. Ive given up on traditional dating sites. A lot of men say they like strong women but I guess it takes an exceptional man to actually deal with one especially when I want to surrender control when in bed. So I joined fetlife and have sent messages to any locals that sound like relative fits for me. And crickets. I've decided to attend local munches when they come up. We'll see how that goes.

As I approach 40, I'm accepting the fact that I'm almost unbearably lonely.

Should I just give up on the kink stuff and return to finding a normal guy? Am I just too much of an oxymoron to find a good fit? Or should I just resign myself to being alone and make the most of online friendships and self pleasure?

I had a bad weekend so I'm a little more raw than usual. Usually I get on with my shit and just deal. Maybe being active here has led me to again wanting more. I'm under an incredible amount of stres at work and at home. I'd like to relieve stress in the traditional getting my brains banged out.

Long story short, I'm lonely and feeling sorry for myself. Any advise would be welcome.

Have you tried joining Fetlife and seeking groups relatively close to the middle of nowhere?

I know many individuals who have connected to others via that site. It is not a dating site, but through it you can find groups that hold munches where, in a public setting, you can meet others.

There is also collarspace and okcupid. Usually these three seem fairly legit.

So you don't want to change,.....but, didn't you change when you went to school to become an engineer?

Nd you probably put your best foot forward during your interview, showing your skills, talents and smarts.

I can't imagine not making yourself 'better' I am not talking tons of makeup, jewelry, fancy clothes that don't suit you. That old saying the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.

Something has to change, just as you changed getting your degree.

What about your job, is it possible for you to work from home and then move to a less rural middle of nowhere place?

Just my thoughts.

Don't give up

Don't change you

If you change for someone you will never be happy with them or yourself

From a fellow live in the middle of nowhere type person.

Never give up, I truly believe that somewhere out there there's that special someone who is a perfect fit for everyone but it's up to you to find them. You're obviously a very sharp person being an engineer so what do engineers do when there has been a reoccurring problem? they analyze it [pun intended], figure out what went wrong and do it differently the next time. What you need is a dedicated lover who will cater to your every need and overlook your shortcomings because they're very minor. I found mine and i know you can find yours.

As with any type of relationship, a bit of compromise is necessary. If one holds their expectations too high, they are bound to be disappointed. I am not saying to drastically alter who you are, just make it a little less intimidating for others. Just my two cents worth.

Thanks everybody! And please excuse the pity party. I handle the lonely thing very well 90% of the time. Really...

As far as changing who I am like when I got my degree... I'm still basically the same person I was in college. What has changed is the way I've had to adapt to a male dominated profession. It's been very important to be taken seriously and the way I've done that is to just be one of the guys. My coworkers don't see me as a woman, just another engineer. That's good professionally but not so good for me personally. As a result I have a hard time seeing myself as feminine. That's hard to overcome in my personal life.

My hobbies are guns and horses. I compete with men in shooting competitions and I do all horse related things alone. I hook up my trailer and take the horse where I want to go. Maybe I'm too used to doing things on my own.

I don't know. But I will once again get over myself and get on with life.

So I'm 37 and it's been 10 years since my last long term relationship. I have lots of excuses for that. I've had to care for elderly parents. I've focused on my career. I'm a redhead and all of the stereotypes are true. I'm an engineer so I'm relatively smart and I make good money. The things that make me a good engineer, I can't turn off. That long term relationship made me gun shy about men. I'm heavy and have body issues. This was true even when I was much thinner. I don't seem able to have casual sex and it just be casual. If I trust somebody enough to sleep with, I tend to get attached. I'm too honest about my feelings. And the excuses go on and on.

And basically, I'm not willing to change myself. I'm not going to play stupid. I'm not going to wear fancy clothes and make up to please somebody. I feel that if someone is interested in me, they should take me as I am.

As I approach 40, I'm accepting the fact that I'm almost unbearably lonely.

WARNING TOUGH LOVE AHEAD.

FUCK THE PITY PARTY.

The taking care of parents, career and those family and personal responsibility issues I can redeem you for.

The part about being heavy, having body issues, your trust issues, not dressing up, not wearing make-up, not having occasional casual sex (with protection) or maybe just mellowing out so you don't scare the men away with your intelligence IS ALL UNDER YOUR CONTROL. . . . Not willing to change yourself. . . BULLSHIT.

Do I need to come to your house and give you a beating to straighten you out??? Are you simply too lazy to do what you stated you don't want to do but recognize might be helpful in meeting someone who after getting to know you would be perfectly fine with your dressing down and your intelligence???

Face facts. You already know what you need to do. JUST DO IT.

Thanks Suzie, I needed that. I agree that I DO know what to do but at the point I'm not sure I know how.

Sunedee -- The single most irrelevant issue in your life is what anybody else thinks. Your truest happiness will come only as you live fully into who you were made to be from the inside out.

It sounds like you have felt the pain of our body shaming society in most difficult ways. Be assured that beauty is not to be measured by either the markings on a tape measure or the numbers on a scale. Beauty is found in all shapes and in all sizes.

Laughter, a playful spirit and an agile, adventurous mind lead down the path to happiness far more readily than any outer measurement.

I know it can be challenging at times, but I urge you to let the stream flow on around you where it wills as you chart your own course.

Best of luck in the journey. There are many good folks around who will be sources of light and encouragement if you will allow them to walk alongside you.

Play nice.

W

@Sunedee, A guy who does not respect and value your intelligence and hard work isn't a guy you would be interested in. There is no need to change to "please" someone who isn't who or what you want anyway. Same thing with the make up bit and some extra pounds. You can only be you. If you want a mature man, not just an old boy, then clear the crap out of your head, hold your head high, and be the best professional you can be. Then you will be attractive to the type of man you want.

wayne49 said

Sunedee -- The single most irrelevant issue in your life is what anybody else thinks. Your truest happiness will come only as you live fully into who you were made to be from the inside out.

It sounds like you have felt the pain of our body shaming society in most difficult ways. Be assured that beauty is not to be measured by either the markings on a tape measure or the numbers on a scale. Beauty is found in all shapes and in all sizes.

Laughter, a playful spirit and an agile, adventurous mind lead down the path to happiness far more readily than any outer measurement.

I know it can be challenging at times, but I urge you to let the stream flow on around you where it wills as you chart your own course.

Best of luck in the journey. There are many good folks around who will be sources of light and encouragement if you will allow them to walk alongside you.

Play nice.

W

NO NO NO You are enabling her present situation which is not making her happy or fulfilled.

What other people think is what is keeping her from achieving the relationship she wants.

================================================

Some change is necessary. What has been done in the past has not worked for the last ten years.

Sunedee KNOWS what she needs to do. Doing those things is NOT selling out, it's doing what needs to be done to achieve a desired goal.

No one in their right mind would go to a job interview in torn jeans and a T-shirt. You need to dress BETTER than for the job you are looking for. Going on a date is the same thing. You have to show someone your best side before they see your relaxed, dressed down side. It's fine to wake up to your partner with your hair a mess and clothes in a pile on the floor, but when you meet someone, you need to look good before you can look disheveled in the morning.

Sunedee, you really do know and are completely able to do what's necessary to change you life into what you want it to be.

Doing what you have done in the past will only give you more of the results you have been getting.

With respect, SS, I never said change wasn't to be a part of the future. In her original post I see several opportunities for positive change. However, when it is raining we really need to offer an umbrella before we have a lecture on meteorology. Or, in another of my prior iterations, let's try to control the bleeding in the ambulance and leave the surgery to others after we get the patient stable.

I might also suggest that she may face a combination of tactical changes and strategic changes, some of which can be readily accomplished while others may take dedicated effort over time.

None of those, though, need change her essential personality and all of them will be easier for her to engage once she is past the sense of being blinded by her immediate upset. I never desire to be one who "enables" a destructive pattern. You are correct in pointing out that enabling destructive patterns does no good at all over the long haul.

It IS possible to encourage in the immediate moment, though, and later help to work on the future.

Regards,

W

For what it's worth, I don't show up to job interviews or first/second/third dates in jeans and t-shirts. I do have nicer clothes and I do occasionally wear them. I wear jeans, steel toes and collared shirts to work. I do have more feminine things. It's hard to get into that mindset when daily life is so much different.

And despite the occasional loneliness, I have a full and wonderful life. Would I like to share that? Sure but it's not necessary for my life.

Traditional dating sites haven't worked well for me. There are few men in this small area who are confident enough to even meet with me. And I will not downplay who and what I am. I've worked damn hard to be where I am. And again that's not something I'm willing to turn off.

The part of my last real relationship that has stuck with me the most is him telling me to leave the man-me at work. I can't do that and I won't. I have to be true to myself.

Please remember my mother can be pretty crass at times, but she is usually right. She used to tell us girls about our neighbor lady. She went from man to man to man all of whom abused her, stole from her and whatever else. I used to ask my mom why she didn't feel bad for her. Mom said she did feel bad for her but she wasn't' going to pity her at all because apparently mom had already talked to her and gave her the tools she needed to change her situation and her life. But the lady didn't want to change. I never understood that but mom said that it's often times easier to continue with what you are doing and how you are doing it even though it isn't making you happen than it is to do the hard work and make the changes that need to be changed in order to make yourself happy. Mom also said, you can't fix someone that doesn't really want to be fixed in the first place. Again, I think she is dead on.

Tankers said:

I never understood that but mom said that it's often times easier to continue with what you are doing and how you are doing it even though it isn't making you happen than it is to do the hard work and make the changes that need to be changed in order to make yourself happy. Mom also said, you can't fix someone that doesn't really want to be fixed in the first place. Again, I think she is dead on.

I didn't see your mother post in this thread yet, but she would have said exactly that and I agree.

70 here, and still moving ahead!! 😉 Keep having the faith, learn from our errors, but always be looking towards the future, and doing our damned-ness!! 😉 Have certainly had relationship failures, however I feel 1,000+% sure of the one I'm in now, and voila!! Found her right, here!! 😉 Sure do love, my bratty KID!! 😉 Mike 😃

@Sunedee

Nothing is wrong with you. You had a relationship in the past that tells me you know how to do it. You know your positive and negative points. You know what you want now put your mind to accomplishing your goal. Since nineteen I had the same boy friend my mom asks why not marry him. Eighteen years ago my plan was get my career going become successful than marry the guy. Here I an now eighteen years later have the career and all that goes with it so why do I not wed the guy. Answer is fear that marriage will change everything. You appear to have similar concerns and that's what's holding you back. Make your plan and follow it through and do not let negative people discourge you. In life we control our destiny. 🌹

The part of my last real relationship that has stuck with me the most is him telling me to leave the man-me at work. I can't do that and I won't. I have to be true to myself.

Might it be he was looking for the feminine you and you didn't want to expose your softer side. I suspect most men want a woman who can show her softer side and show her vulnerabilities. We all have them to one degree or another. If you're not interested, or willing, to show that side of yourself, I suspect you will need to find a man who wants a very strong and domineering woman - not just in the bedroom but in life. One of the things that attracted me to my wife was her independence and intellect (as well as her red hair - lol). However, she is never afraid to show her softer, vulnerable side.

Hi Sunedee there is nothing wrong with you I'm a red head to and have been in relationships that didn't work out for me, but then I found Zity and jumped right into making friends here, I even found my soul mate right here on Zity. It was a long distance relationship since I live on the East coast and he lives on the west coast. We started talking over the phone to each other and how are relationship grew that was about 10 months ago. We finally became bf and gf on Feb 14th of this year then in July I flew out to meet him for the first time, and it was love at first sight now I am moving to the west coast to live with him, its like the fates are pushing in this direction so I'm leaving the state that I have lived in for 53 yrs and starting a fresh with someone I love. Now I won't be lonely anymore. 😃 We control our own destinies!

I have not replied to this post because my kid is right, I can be a bit crass, especially when it comes to topics such as this one.

Tankers told you about our neighbor lady. She was in a crazy circle that she refused to break. She would cry on my shoulder all the time about things. So finally I gave her all the tools she needed to make the change and to break the cycle. I begged her to do so, for her kids sakes, both of whom were best friends with my kids. She agreed to do it, but when it came down to doing it she just couldn't do it.

I more so than anyone know that change is hard. Medical professionals are notorious for not liking change. I get it, but sometimes change is necessary and just has to be done.

Change, no matter what is going on, what's been said or done, no matter the circumstances, no matter what, change starts with YOU! Change isnt' always a choice, but in your case it is 100 percent your choice.

If you have been doing the same thing for the past 10 years, you are not happy or pleased then it's time to make a change because if it hasn't changed by now it won't, unless YOU decide to change it.

I will tell you right now things have not changed and you are still alone not because you are not wearing the right clothes, or because you are smart, have some money and are not a girly girl, it's because of your attitude. This is tough love, I am not trying to hurt your feelings. You situation is so typical and is so easily fixed it drives me crazy, lol.

Most REAL men love a strong woman, and they love a smart and educated woman. If you get a minute look up on youtube Billy Joel's song, "She's Always a Woman". This applies to you and you might find some comfort in it and understand that what you are being told is true.

There is nothing wrong with who you are or what you do. But if you are looking for a man, you might just need to tone it down a bit, lol. While real men love a strong women, in the evolutionary spectrum of things, men need to be in "charge", they are the ones that hunt and kill the food and drag it home. They have a need to protect their women and to keep them safe. It's no different today, those same basic human needs are what keep our species at the top of the food chain and ensures that we as a species continue and don't die off.

In society today the same concepts still apply but have maybe changed a bit with the times, which makes sense. Men and women have basic human needs and desires. A man is usually most comfortable knowing that maybe even though the lady controls most things, that he the man can step in and fix things, provide things that are needed, and he needs to FEEL needed.

So basically what I am trying to tell you is that you are going against the natural order of things, lol.

I am also going to say this and I mean no offense. What I am going to say comes from a basic scientific frame of mind and concept. Men are simple creatures, very simple. Their needs, desires, and wants are also very simple. You have to remember that.

Remember, if you are not happy with something in your life change it. If it is something that you absolutely can't change then you need to accept it and move on. You need to ask yourself the honest questions, and then be honest with yourself when you answer. And trust me when I tell you, that isn't usually an easy thing to do. Then if you are not happy with something in your life you need to decide it you WANT to change. Either way, everything I just said begins with YOU and you alone, but you have to want to. That my friend is the very first step.

Mashie

Amen Mashie 😃 Well put!!!!!

Like I said before,

WARNING TOUGH LOVE AHEAD.

FUCK THE PITY PARTY.

The question now needing to be asked is, will she get off her butt and do what needs to be done IF SHE ACTUALLY WANTS THE RELATIONSHIP SHE DESCRIBES.

I think this is one of those situations where it's hard to see the forest for the trees. I have trouble seeing beyond why I'm unhappy in the moment.

Currently I'm under an incredible amount of stress at work and at home. Home is getting better. The clean up after the barn fire is done and the new one is mostly done. I've got hay for the horses for the winter so that's one big stressor that's nearly over. I still don't have anything for the horses. I can't ride without a saddle and all the stuff that goes with it. And no, I won't ride bareback. My mare is as wide as a house and a real bitch. We need a saddle. I've got money for a new one but I'm going to wait until after Christmas. A big chunk of my "play" money was eaten up by buying a new compressor for the ac unit. Not a big deal but I'm not getting into savings for a saddle.

Work stress has gotten to the point where I'm tired of fighting and arguing. I'm just done. I finally told my boss that I'd had enough. If he'll tell me what he wants me to do, I'll do it. We migrated computer systems and I've had to make a lot of decisions without backup. I've been overwhelmed and I finally admitted it and let him take the burden. I think that's a positive step both in giving up some control and the relief it's brought me. I don't trust him 100% but I don't need to. The decisions are his now. Having said all that, I will speak up if something is really wrong, not just if I think it could be done better. So far he's been good about all of it.

I am making changes. I've bought some new clothes. I've lost 15lbs or so in the last couple months so new clothes were necessary. Not really girly clothes but more feminine than my t-shirts and men's collared shirts. I have an appointment to cut and color my hair. I want something totally different to suit my commitment to changing my life. Luckily I really trust my stylist. She won't make me look like a circus clown.

I want to be more feminine and receptive to men instead of intimidating. I'm making small steps. Hopefully I can continue to make small steps. I'm going to a munch Saturday to start meeting local people in the scene. It's in an army town so there's not likely to be many people my age but meeting fellow kinksters shouldn't hurt.

Sunedee

In light of your last statement appears your current issue is overload to much at the same time. Suggest the system I use set up a list of priorities as a task is completed move to the next. Being organized is self empowerment. You appear to know what you want now go for it nothing will change magically.

I don't want to sound or come off as condescending here, but I am so PROUD of you. I have a huge smile on my face and am just grinning from ear to ear. You are right on track, one step at at time. You made a comment about the "small" changes you have made, but I have to tell you, I personally don't think any of the changes you have made are small changes, but huge ones.

The tone of your second post is totally different than the first one. Your second one is so positive. I think going to a Munch is brilliant! I hope you come back and let us know how that goes/went. Okay, to be honest with you, telling us about your Munch experience is probably me being nosy, lol. But I have never been to one before, but I would love nothing more actually. So because of that, I like to hear about others experiences in doing the Munch thing ,lol.

Now, some more personal advice. You know your mare and how she is. I have a pretty good handle on horses myself. You said your mare is already a bitch. While it may not always be true, many times horses with temperaments like that if they are not being ridden enough or haven't been ridden in months, and in your case, waiting until after Christmas it will be months, she may be even more of a bitch to control. Horses are head strong, having someone on their back is not a natural thing for them. If they get used to being "free" so to speak for a long period of time depending on how head strong they are, some of them almost have to be re-broke.

Now, here is where I was going with all of this. I respect that you do not want to dip into your savings for a new saddle. I get that. I also know exactly how expensive a decent saddle is. Check your computer, newspaper or what not and see if you have an auction house close to you. I have bought 3 very nice saddles at my local auction house for 30 bucks at the most. I then listed them on eBay and sold them for 200-300 dollars. They were in good condition, not perfect, they were used, but apparently were in good enough shape to bring that kind of money and I never had them listed for more than a few days because they sold that quickly.

So check your auction house. Also look in the paper in the classified section. People often sell stuff like that there too. Also, many towns have selling walls. Those are places on the computer for your town and people post things they want to buy or sell or trade. Also, Craigs list is another option as well. Then, when you are ready and have the extra cash go buy the saddle you do want. But, I just wanted to offer those suggestions to you because people don't often think of those things in terms of purchases.

Mashie

I'll report better when I get home but the munch wasn't much. Still I did get out and meet people. I'm not going to give up after 1. There's another next weekend much closer to home. We'll see no that goes.

. . . . Still I did get out and meet people. I'm not going to give up after 1. . . . .

The idea is not to give up after 10 or 20.

Perseverance

You shouldn't change you, but you might want to consider changing your attitude about you. People around you tend to see you as you see yourself and you sound pretty down on yourself right now. Don't lose hope and don't lower your standards. Know that you are amazing and there is someone out there for you that you will find so long as you keep putting yourself out there to find them 😃

. . . People around you tend to see you as you see yourself . . .

That may be true sometimes but not as a rule.

People see other people as they see them. People can be seen as better or worse than they actually are.

The idea is to project a good impression about yourself regardless of your opinion of yourself. Yes, you may need to be a bit of a showman at times.