First of all, I completely agree that this is a very sad story and on so many levels as well. Not only is it sad, but it's a story of abuse, selfishness, humiliation and manipulation. I feel very sorry for you on some levels and not on others. I will explain to you exactly why I made this statement. As you read my following reply, please understand that I am coming to you from both a personal stand point as well as a professional one. What I am going to say isn't meant to hurt you, upset you or anything else, it is meant to ultimately help you, but you will hear simply the truth from my point of view. This is a hot topic for me because it's an issue I really struggle with and always will.
To start with, please understand that I am a nurse and a 45 year old woman who had two c-sections. I am mainly German and am 5'4" with a large frame. I grew up in a house as the youngest of 3 with two older brothers. My father never wanted a girl and I was always considered a second class person in my house. We were very poor. While my father quit his job when I was six and was diagnosed with severe depression. This was 1976, so things were a bit different back then, especially on the psych front. How it worked growing up was that the parents and boys ate first. If there was food left then I got to eat. There wasn't always food left. And it wasn't like my mom could just go make me something else. She wasn't permitted to do so and sometimes there wasn't any food left for her to fix. My father refused to go and get help because it was humiliating and besides that, back in those days if you owned a house, especially in the place I grew up you either had to sell your property or go on welfare. He refused to sell his property, so we really struggled.
While I didn't understand it then, after going to college 3 times and learning about psych stuff which happens to be one of my most favorite things to study, I learned that how I grew up has and did cause me to look at food very differently than most kids, and even still as an adult I do things and think about food very differently than the general public. When I was young I remember being at friends houses and was very excited when it came time to eat. I would hoard food when I could too. As an adult I have to have my cupboards, fridge and freezers full at all times. When I see holes where food is missing it makes me nervous that I am going to run out of food. While I know this is very irrational, growing up the way I did has caused me to think this way. The food in my cupboards is perfectly aligned, all labels are facing out and everything is in like sections. For example, all noodle things are together, all cans of veggies or soup are together. All the cans of corn are in one row, beans in the next and so forth. I do this for several reasons. One is so I know what I have and the other is so that I can open the doors and know exactly what is missing so it can be replaced.
Even though food was short at my house I was a chubby kid a lot of the time. My father made it very clear that he was not happy with my weight almost on a daily basis. My entire family is tall and thin, but I was not blessed with those genes, as I mentioned earlier. I struggled with my weight and have pretty much my entire life, on both sides of the weight coin. I need to stress that I have been too thin on a few occasions as well as obese.
Since I have known Doc, almost 9 years now he has seen my weight go from 114 pounds to 248 pounds and some change, and everything in between. We learn in school that once fat cells are formed they are there and will not go away unless you do something about it like lipo. So whether they are big or small depends on what and how much you eat basically putting it in the most simple terms. Medically speaking this makes perfect sense to me because when a person first gains weight it's at a slower rate usually then when they have lost weight and they regain. Which is also why people who yo-yo diet almost always gain back everything they lost and some more and do so easily and quickly.
For some of us genetics play a factor, as well as things that happen in our lives. Those things can also be physical, mental, or environmental and usually are a combination of the three. As I said, I am German and have a wide frame. To say that genetics are in my favor would not be a true statement, lol. When a woman has c-sections its often difficult to get rid of that c-section pouch. And for many women who gave birth, it's usually difficult or next to impossible to get your prebaby body back. Also, medical science in the past came up with the BMI scale which now they are saying is not at all accurate. There are different body types and frames as well as age, gender, genetics and life happenings that absolutely do play a factor in a person's ideal weight, or the weight that is right for them.
While it is easy to say that all my blood work and my blood pressure and what not are in normal limits, so it doesn't matter how fat I am or someone else is, that is very dangerous thinking. Last summer when I was almost 250 pounds my blood pressure was on average 110/60 and my cholesterol level was a combined of 109, and my pulse was 60. Those are numbers you typically see in athletes or young people in perfect health, not those of a 44 year old morbidly obese woman. Make no mistake though, I was not even close to healthy. So having good numbers and being a few pounds on the heavy side is fine, but regardless of the numbers, morbid obesity is morbid obesity and is not healthy.
I told you that I have struggled on both sides of the fat coin, and I have. Seven years ago when I had my first kidney surgery I lost close to 100 pounds. I was struggling to survive basically. I was eating basically a protein bar and about a half of a thing of vitamin water a day. I was just to nauseated to eat or drink. While I didn't get down to 114 then, I did drop to about 130 at my lowest. I do not feel good at that weight even though according to the BMI index I should weigh between 121-128. When I got down to 114 this year because again of being very sick I could hardly stand, or walk. I had trouble talking and couldn't put two words or thoughts together. As a matter of fact, I still struggle with comprehension and short term memories. I have had to fight tooth and nail over the past 2 months or so to gain back enough weight to feel normal. I am currently about 150 and actually feel better than I have in probably 8 years.
Now, with all that being said, and really I only touched on about 10 percent of my weight struggles, as I mentioned, I am a nurse and medical professional. I have had many bariatric patients over the years. For those of you who are not familiar with the term bariatric it basically means obese. Personally speaking I really struggle with these patients, to the point of anger. Some of this is because I struggle with my own weight issues and looking at them and their conditions is scary for me and a dose of my own potential reality if I am not super careful. Medically speaking they are very hard patients to take care of. The staff required to care for them is overwhelming. It takes special equipment, extra time, lots of it and tons of extra staff as I said. When caring for them we have to always pull staff from other sections, departments, floors even just to give them basic care and unlike normal weighted people that require a few minutes for basic care, bariatric patients take sometimes an hour. So when they require more than basic care you can only imagine the strain everyone feels. Taking care of these patients is also very expensive, thousands upon thousands more than someone of normal size. Also, they put my staff in danger of injury. Bariatric patients in general are very demanding, selfish and rude. They are master manipulators especially when they are no longer able to do for themselves. Most of them in fact are down right cruel to everyone especially those who are either enabling them or trying to take care of them. They don't want to hear the truth and they have an excuse for everything. Most of them are in pain all the time, they are scared on so many levels. I get that both personally and professionally. It doesn't make it any easier to tolerate though.
There is a show on TLC called "My 600 Pound Life". I am a faithful watcher. There is a doctor in Texas who specializes in patients of this size and his name is Dr. Nowzaradan. I consider this man a saint. I personally don't know how he does it. This show frustrates me to no end, but I watch it because I want to do better with these types of patients. Dr. Now is tough when he needs to be and tolerant when needed as well. He professionally speaking knows the perfect balance to help his patients the most. This is a skill I am working on and probably will always have to work on given my own personal struggle with weight. There is a web site in which you can contact him directly and his office will get back to you. He and his staff might be a place for you to start if you really want to fix yourself.
Personally speaking I completely understand where you are coming from so when I tell you the hard truth which is to stop making excuses, remember that I have had to personally do that more times than I can count. I can tell you from a medical stand point that it's actually very very rare for a person to have a medical condition that causes them to be morbidly obese and gain weight that they can't control. I personally have a thyroid condition called Hashimoto's. Having a thyroid condition does effect your weight both gaining and losing as one example that I hear all the time as an excuse for being obese. But guess what, it's just an excuse. I of all people know that I need to put the fork down, step away from the table and go for a walk. On the show I mentioned above, some of those folks are completely immobile and totally dependent on others for everything but they start out simple. Most of them start by just lifting their arms up ten times, or trying to lift their legs up off the bed a few times several times a day. The point is, it's not always about how much or what kinds of food you eat, it's a matter of metabolism and heart rate. Exercise is the key, and as we learn in nursing, "something is better than nothing, just do something". Starting is the hardest part. The first step of any hard journey is always the hardest. Again, trust me.
To say that I have body image issues would be a gross understatement. I have always had them and I will probably always have them. What and how you feel is absolutely justified, and again, I of all people get it and completely understand. Even now when I feel fantastic and I know I look great for a middle aged woman, last weekend when I was naked in front of Doc I struggled with body image issues and told him so. It was very hard for me to lay there naked in front of him. This concept somewhat floored him because to him I look fantastic. I love that he thinks so and that he finds me sexually attractive. But inside no matter how thin I am or how good I feel I will still always be that fat girl. When I look in the mirror I still see that fat girl inside me. This is very common in obese patients especially when they have dropped weight so quickly. Our minds don't have time to adjust to our new size. It happened to me both times I lost so much weight and I have seen it from the patients on the above mentioned show. It's an inner personal struggle that we have to learn to deal with and accept. As with most things in life, we just have to take it one day at a time.
In conclusion Kevvo, I completely hear you and understand you, probably better than most can or ever will. Your weight is YOUR choice, your relationship with yourself and with others is also YOUR choice. Being strong isn't easy. Deciding you and your health, as well as your life are worth something and are important is also YOUR choice. I know you are a very strong man because you had the courage to get up and leave your last relationship even without having the security to do so. That in and of itself is very impressive and not to mom you or anything, but I am proud of you. Leaving took courage and strength most people would never have, but you did. That tells me that somewhere deep down inside you love and respect yourself. I am encouraging you to take that love, that respect, and your strength and courage to start what will be the hardest journey of your life. Your journey to gain back your life, your health, and your future. When I was sick this site was a huge part of the three things that made me chose to live instead of die. The support I was given and the love I was shown absolutely made a difference to me, and it can do the same for you. Please remember that this board will be here for you because that's what we do and who we are, and I personally am here for you as well and you are more than welcome to contact me at any time. I will always be here, I will always listen, and more importantly, I will always understand because I have been in your shoes.
I hope that you have read this with an open mind and an open heart because as I said in the start of this long post, my words are not meant to hurt you, but to help you.
With my deepest respect,
Mashie