Self-hate

I was called a "faggot" by my father and my (before he started calling me a "fag") FAVORITE older brother growing up... and by other kids. I was abused too (physical, verbal & sexual), and the only time I ever felt safe was when I was wrapped in a PROTECTIVE crinkly white diaper, when I was a very very very young toddler. Since then I have never felt truly "safe" and I hate myself so much more than I can ever express in words. I am ashamed of my sexuality and my fetishes. I was just wondering if anyone has any suggestions/advice on what to do about the "self-hate". It gets so unbelievable sometimes. I don't think I would ever kill myself but I just read an article about another guy who killed himself partly since no one accepted his sexuality/gender. I don't know what to do... I should be OVER this... I should be over all that "self-hate"... but I am not over it yet. I don't know if I will ever feel anything but PURE UNADULTERATED HATRED FOR ME, MYSELF, and I, and everything about me.

It sounds like you need to go see a professional counselor. Mental abuse when young is not something that you "just get over." Your dad was a terrible father for treating you like that. Your sexuality and fetishes are not something to be ashamed of. It is what makes you...you. Hell. We all have our kinks. That is why we are on this site, and none of us "hate" ourselves for it. Neither should you for yours. Please go to a counselor who will help you learn to love yourself like you should.

God loves you (John3:16) and wants you to accept His love (Romans 10:9) and to be freed from the sadness of your sin (which we all have, Romans 3:23) and past and unpleasant feelings 2 Corinthians 5:17.

Also, you should look into the counseling that Jeneman suggested. My life was a mess, and I got straight by finding a loving, accepting church.

I'd say get thee to a shrink, post-haste. No, you didn't create this problem, and no, it wasn't your fault. But you're the one left to deal with it. Trouble is, you can't do it alone. Get the counseling, but feel free to demure from the drugs your psychiatrist will no doubt want to prescribe. Keep your own counsel, and be suspicious of those who think you can just medicate out of this situation.

I was molested by my older brother when I was 10. He should have gone to Juvee, instead I just bottled it up for later when, at age 30 I finally figured out who and what the F*** he was. I haven't spoken to him since and I'm 50. He went on to have five kids, all but one of them sons. Hopefully he got over his pedophile tendencies (is this ever possible?) and never touched any of his children improperly but I have my doubts having grown up with him. Everything is always everyone else's doing, their fault, their perversions, their onus to fix the problem he creates, and never his. Sound familiar? That's called a sociopath.

What to do in the mean time? Talk to anyone about anything, including here. Force yourself to be outgoing and to engage others in polite conversation, however trivial the topic. Know that you're part of a good and noble human species. Treat yourself well, beginning with eating well and taking care of your body. And find a good counselor / psych / someone to listen. The more you hole up in a dark apartment alone playing video games or binge watching TV the more separate you feel from the rest of us. Not good.

Be well, I hope you pull out of this. I did. Take that as encouragement for what it's worth, or shit can it as irrelevant, but try to appreciate yourself regardless. Your'e alive, breathing, seeing, hearing and feeling. Don't underestimate that. My brother did - but you don't have to.

Suds n Buds

Well said Suds N Buds-- Karma for doing so !

That is fine. You will not imagine. I am a 18 yr old who has been dating a girl for past 5 yrs. I got engaged recently to her. We are staying together in my parents house. Bloody one day my parents caught us having sex and they made a big deal.

I agree with these other folks in the professional therapy / psychology idea, because that's the best help you could get for the long run. Finding the right professional person who you could speak in confidence to, whom you can be comfortable with.

But I think in addition, being on this site will help you a lot too. Mainly because here you will find honest open people who are generally like minded & accepting of anything without passing judgement. I think you find quite a few people who are similar to you in one capacity or another. You may be inspired at some point to open up & share here unlike anywhere else because of what you can observe in terms of how open people are about their tendencies, fetishes, fantasies, experiences.

Hopefully things will get better for you very soon

Hi Diaperdisciplined: I truly hope you never get to the point where you want to kill yourself. Just remember this: suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

I'm assuming you're gay. If you're not, I profoundly apologize. And my answer to your hating yourself because of your sexuality is this: So what if you're gay? Who gives a fuck? It's hard wired, and it's not a decision that one makes. It just IS. And there's nothing you can do about it except to accept it and enjoy it. I'm straight, VERY straight, and I could care less that anyone's gay. It's none of my fucking business, and it shouldn't be ANYONE'S fucking business. And if your father, brother, and others can't accept that, then you need to know they're major assholes, and you should just dismiss them from your life and your thoughts, because to dwell on it and hate yourself for it will continue to drag you down, and is incredibly harmful to you. There are people out there who will love you despite your sexuality and even BECAUSE of your sexuality. You just need to find them. As for your diaper fetish, it's nobody's business but yours.

No, by society's standards it's not normal. But it's harmless, it doesn't hurt anyone, so why should anyone care? I started messing in a diaper when I was fifteen, and I'm now in middle age. I hated myself for it. I thought I was the only person in the world who did that disgusting thing. But I couldn't stop it. And then they invented the internet, and I found out that I really wasn't alone, and that there were thousands (or more) people who enjoyed doing the same thing. There are still times when I become disgusted with it, but I finally realized that it wasn't the end of the world. And you need to realize it too. I've been around a lot longer than you, and I know what I'm talking about. There is absolutely no reason to hate yourself. So go and put on your diaper, and pee in it or poop in it, or do nothing in it. If it makes you feel better, then do it. It's not illegal or immoral, and no one gets hurt by it. One last thing, you might consider getting yourself into counseling with someone sympathetic to your fetishes. Talking with someone who understands you may greatly help your feelings about yourself.

I wish you the best.

People are different in all walks of life. The word " normal" what does it actually mean? Some people are born gay and others choose to be gay. I myself am a female but I love both Men and Females alike that makes me Bi-Sexual and I except that, I have been this way my whole life. I was the only girl in my family so I acted more tomboyish than girly. I was always playing army or football or baseball with my Brothers. I even ran around with out a shirt on in the summer, didn't have any boobs at the time. My family found this normal with me. Its wasn't until I was 14 and my chest came in after that I couldn't run around shirtless anymore. My first relationship was with my best friend next door, she showed me how to have an orgasm while taking a slow enema and masturbating that was my first orgasm I had but not my last, we played around with each other until she moved away to California. But she was my first love. Later I had many relationships with boys some I dumped and some dumped me the last one was in 1995. So I really haven't had a luck with boys. Now I'm single again since 95 and haven't been able to find anyone Boy or Girl to share my life.

KID, It is difficult to find just that right person for many of us. Don't feel like the Lone Ranger, there :-)

Diaperdisciplined, I give you a big hug. You are not alone. You are wonderfull made by the creator. God wants you. There are so many people around you, you could ask for help.

Give god a chance to touch and heal you. You need a person to trust in, right?

If you cry to him for help, he will do.

I'm sorry for my uncorrect english, but I'm sure you understoot.

God says in His word, that He loves you (too many references to quote, but) try John 3:16 and 1 John 4:8. We'd like others to love us, but folks mostly don't even love God (John 15:18-25).

I had to get past the unreasoning hatred of someone closest to me. There is nothing that we can do about that. Pray for them, enjoy the love of others, love others unconditionally and be glad for those who do love you.

I know that it is easier to say, than to do, and it took me about two years of being around loving people at the church that I started attending to get better, but I did.

Well I agree, what your father did was unforgivable, but to let go, we must forgive.

You are not alone. Professional counseling is key as well as stay away from people who are mean. I don't care who it is, even if it is family, if a person makes you feel bad when are around them, before you go to see them, and after you have been with them, just stay away. I have gotten 90% negative people out of my life and drastically reduced the last 10%. It is lonely at first, but you eventually get around to meeting more positive people that like you!

I think Turkey is right: Some intense therapy with a good therapist. I felt somewhat that way as a teen, when I admitted to myself that I loved a hose up me. I went through 2 years of counseling about many aspects of my life, mostly about my realization that I was an alcoholic and had made a bad mistake about my first marriage. We touched on other things that were bothering me also. The very day my psychologist felt convinced that I no longer felt I was a terrible person, he said to me, "and you're not that damned great either". You're in the middle with most all other people. It costs a lot of money, but was a good investment for the rest of my life.

I have several friends in AA who are openly gay and they are some of the most humorous people I've ever met. They will poke fun at themselves and everyone else can laugh with them, because we all have demons that haunt us, but many of us can't bring ourselves to laugh at our own ways.

Like pretty much everyone has already said you really need to seek expert help to deal with your childhood abuse. You also need to remember that your sexuality was not something you asked for or created, it is merely who you are - it's what makes you - you

. I'm Bi-sexual and struggled for many years even after I married the only woman I have ever loved, to come to terms with my feelings and my sexuality and it was only when she found out during an argument many years ago,and was able to accept, that although I had in some ways decieved her by not sharing my secret with her,I was still the same person that she's fallen in love with and married, so maybe if you are able to find someone to care for you, "warts and all" - as it were, yo may find that sharing those feelings will, over time, help to ease them and for you to accept them too.

Incidentally, my wife and I are about to cellabrate our 40th wedding anniversary. so don't give up! Good luck for the future

If you have a golden child sibling then it sounds like narcissistic abuse, you can read around here and see if it feels a little too familiar. LGBT issues appear quite frequently:

https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/

Therapists in general are not a cure all, many just push pills, have disorders of their own or at the very least are ill-disposed to deal with even basic issues of sexual orientation and paraphilia. It can take many different therapists before someone finds one that is suitable and can help them. Which isn't to say do not try, just know that it is ok to see as many as you need to until you feel progress. The lingering effects of damage from a childhood such as you describe will intensify as you age and color your life in ways that you are not aware of and make it very difficult.

Hi Diaperdisciplined,

I'm happy to see so much people encouraging You, may I throw my 5 cents in ? Perhaps it comes with age, but experience of life tells you that soooo much people have problems with self respect, in fact I dare to say everyone (in less or more meassure), that it is true that no one have legal moral rights to point a finger of acusation in your direction. However understanding you from my point of wiev do not make life easier for You. Well, but the fact that You have strength to come up with problem before us tells good things about your ability to defend yourself !

I agree that a good friend will help and in my opinion ( like some more people here) our Creator is the best person , Hi's responsible for the fact that You are here and have opportunity to live your life, after all. But be careful with us and with religions, becouse feeling of guilt is the damn weapon, worst of all weapons......and so tempying to use on our fellow people, seems to me that Creator is only One, who do not accuse us for beeing born in this dangerous world, where rules are set long before us. I wish You experience a lot of pleasure in this life and feel sorry for my poor english as obstacle in my wish to encourage You !

It's really quite simple. I don't give a crap if god loves you, Satan loves you, your neighbor loves you or anybody else loves you.

I will sum up what ten WASTED years of psychotherapy will teach you:

.

Nulle bastardo carborundum.

Fuck everyone else. Don't let the bastards grind you down.

Do what makes you happy.

What other people think does not matter.

Be your own best friend.

As a bi woman who has a very religious mother, I know your feeling. My mom and younger sister can't stand who I am. Something I like about zity is that on here, you're among friends. I was teased in school for liking women.

I would suggest possibly seek help. I did and life is great! Or else see a doctor and see about an antidepressant or take an herbal remedy. My mom hates who I am. I have come to accept that as fact. I will never let my mom dictate who I am.

Remember please, that no one can change who you are. It took me a long time to accept that. The zity world is here for you.

First I want to say, I am so very sorry that you have these feelings of self-loathing. I, too, have delt with these feelings and it's absolutely HORRIBLE. Don't let anyone make light of your struggles because I know they are very real and extremely painful.

If I could offer some insight, maybe some of your shame comes from the fact that your love of diaper wearing stems from when you were young and used them to feel safe from abuse. I hope you can find a way to seperate the shame you felt then from the pleasure you receive now. You are a valuable person who is worthy of love and acceptance, and anyone who does not accept your desires and treat you with the upmost respect does not deserve a place in your life! You have the right to be happy, so allow yourself to enjoy your desires without guilt or shame. Also, allow yourself to rid your life of negative and abusive people.

As for being bi-sexual, you are NORMAL. I hope you can learn to embrace your sexuality and gain lots of enjoyment from it. Having been mistreated and abused, you now have the gift of empathy and compassion for those who have been through similar situations. Use that to help you realize your self-worth. You are such a treasure!! I hope you can begin to see that!! If you need to chat, feel free to pm me. Best wishes!

Rose

Love yourself first . Get help if you need it . Write post it notes and stick them to your mirror that say I am not worthless , I am not a piece of shit, I am loveable , fuck hatred and haters. Love your friends and family and get a goal. Be something . Whatever drives you . Well not a serial killer or anything illegal but , don't let anyone tell you you aren't good or worth something . People suck, life isn't fair . Don't be a victim , survive and succeed . Don't spend ten years in therapy you will talk in circles and it just isn't your parents fault for every damn thing in your life . Period. Own your actions and you will go far . I promise . Spoken from someone who was so broken at one point I thought I was whale shit on the bottom of a shoe . Then I got real. And I got truth and I persevered . Only you can change you. And if you're a spoiled brat grow up. Nobody likes a spoiled , narcissistic asshole. Trust me you will feel better . Be a productive member of society . I believe in you.

Submisslivlee said it all and said it right. Just know that there are a lot of people who love you and care about you. Follow her advise its all good and it works.

Hi Diaperdisciplined,

Well, seems like no no one here thinks ill of you. We don't have that right, even for people like Hitler or Stalin or Mao Tse Tung. We might not like what they did (we don't), but they were made good. It went wrong later. How do I know?

Well, Genesis 1: 26 says that God decided to make people 'in his image and likeness' - like him in that we are free, creative and do know the difference between good and evil. At the end of his making, God looked at the world he'd made and pronounced it 'very good.' (Gen. 1: 31). That, of course, includes you and me, since time is also God's creation and he does the creation job outside of time's stream.

So then, if God made us (there are not too many alternative ideas), it stands to reason that God does not make junk. Therefore, despite your own opinion, be assured that God does not hate you and you are of great value. He only made one of you, even if you had an identical twin. That one he made good. He also made us, according to the story, male and female. Most folk will tell you he did that so that we would marry and have kids, but somehow I doubt this was the primary reason. More likely is that he knew we'd be lonely without someone to share a life with.

God himself, in that first Chapter of Genesis, appears in the Hebrew text under the name 'Elohim.' That is a plural word, and you DO know enough Hebrew to appreciate it; e.g. one seraph but two seraphim; one cherub, two cherubim. Geddit? Yet it's used here by a Jewish writer, a member of the fiercely monotheistic people on earth (monotheists are believers in one personal God) to describe the Creator. Moreover, God is reported to have made us like him. Does that not imply that though God is One, the One also comprises a community of persons? We Christians think so, on pretty good grounds. God is also said to be love personified (1 John 4: 😎; but how could a Being, totally alone, know anything about love? Whom has he/she/it to love? Islam, recognising the difficulty, does not call Allah loving, but rather, merciful.

Know, then, that you are made good, good, good! You're made to love and to be loved. If I knew you better, I am virtually certain that I should find you creative in your own way; and the fact that you are so means that you have the freedom necessary to create. Did you know that when our sexuality is not functioning as God intended (and that can include straight folk as well as all others), that our creativity in other areas of life is often enhanced? Think Oscar Wilde, Alan Turing, who cracked the German Enigma codes in WWII - and many, many others.

Submissive is talking tough but not unloving - and we all need a kick in the butt from time to time. She's definitely in your corner! None of us here knows how you came to hate yourself, but you told us enough to know that your family certainly didn't help. Forgive them if you can - you do have some insight about them as people. But if you can't do that now, then leave it (park off the bitterness) with God and move on. Ask him to change you until you do really feel like forgiving, but don't let it stop you NOW!

Johnny

I am a bi girl who actually prefers women. I am past hating myself and my fetishes. I would recommend something as simple as looking in the mirror and telling yourself that you like you and that you are an attractive person. I have done that same thing for years and came to self acceptance.

Kinkytanya is absolutely correct..

I also used to hate myself and everything about myself.

But, you just have to look at yourself and believe and accept yourself. Tell yourself that you are attractive and you are what you are.

Don't think about others and what they might think. Be yourself, and care about yourself and not what you or others might think.

On a side note, I mentioned even if having a boy, my child would wear fairy wings for Halloween. My mother when finding this out asked me if I want my child to turn out like me. I would be happy if my baby didn't despise gays. I would be happy if my baby turned out to be loving. If my child turns out to be gay, I would be happy. If the child I have accepts him/herself, that's all that matters.

Don't think about others and what they might think. Be yourself, and care about yourself and not what you or others might think.

But that is a thin line to thread. If you don't think about others, or take into account what they might think of you, how they perceive you, how do you go about attracting them, becoming friends or more? There has to be a mutual attraction and that depends on having some personal elements of compatibility with each other. And sometimes I would think you have to work towards someone and not expect others to automatically works towards you.

I'm 55 now. When I was much younger, in my teens, 20's, 30's,.... I often hated myself. I felt like I had multiple personalities because I couldn't stop myself from sucking dicks and liking to be ass fucked. I liked dressing up as a girl. Then I'd jack off and cum. Once I did that, I'd suddenly revert to hating myself and everything about what I was doing. Sometimes, I felt like I wanted to kill myself because of the way I was. I couldn't shake what I was taught, which was the opposite of how I was. Over the years, I've learned that I need to be happy with the way I am and not really give a shit about what anyone else thinks. I told my sister about how I liked guys. She lied. Said she understood. Then she quit having anything to do with me and wouldn't let my nephews visit me. Since I have a dysfunctional family anyway, I have no worries about what the rest of them think either. You'd best make up your mind pretty quick, and go with what you love to do and be, because before you know it, you'll be in my shoes. 55 years old, and still single. And here I am regretting that I've never be the pivot person at a gang bang...... Enjoy your life while you are here, because before you know it, you'll be gone.............

Sounds like some catholic roots might have been involved somewhere, since they are so big on self hatred while they are busy doing nasty things to children.

Satan loves you, your neighbor loves you or anybody else loves you.

With all due respect that is a lie. God does love everyone, satan doesn’t love anyone. He hates everyone, even those who follow him, he hates. God created us all and satan hates all of God’s creation because he hates God.

I struggled with self hate for years and still do. A counselor may be a good idea to talk about your past and find healing from it. I am ashamed of my fetishes too and keep them hidden because of that. Thank God for Zity!