I do the same thing. For the years that my husband and I had sex, I was able to cum. I don't think I ever didn't with him. The problem with him was sex got boring. He would make me cum, then it would take hours (no joke) for him to cum. I would get bored and fall asleep on him, lol. That didn't make him happy. The last 7 years of our marriage, we didn't have sex at all. He was way over weight, had health issues that he wouldn't take care of, so his "plumbing" didn't work.
Now, for the past year, I have a Dom. He sometimes comes around about once a week, other times, I am lucky to see him one a month. He can't ever get me off. I admit, I have faked an orgasm just so he will finish up. He doesn't know I have faked. He has never gotten me off even once, but not through lack of trying. I think it's because he does things hard and fast, and I like it slower.
I can make myself come, with or without toys and a good fantasy. I don't know if it is because I am doing things the way I like or what. I have only ever had sex with 2 guys, my ex and my Dom. I was a virgin until I was 31 almost 32. I wanted to save myself for that "right guy", and I did. I am a rather shy person (believe it or not) and I get to embarrassed when I go out and try to meet new people. I think a big part of the shyness is because of my hearing loss. Sometimes, it's just to much noise, and all. I am not one to just go up and meet people. You will probably find me in a dark corner, just watching people.
Back to my Dom, he has gotten me very close to an orgasm, and it just "goes away". Poof, gone, like it was never there. My friend thinks I over think things, but I don't think that I do. I get a lot of pleasure from him. Sometimes, right when I am getting close, he cums, and then he is done, or if he wants to cum again, he starts all over again, but I don't get to "that point" again. It's very frustrating for me. I still like and want to play with him because it is fun. It gives me new fantasy's to think of when I do need to get myself off (which most of the time is sometime after he leaves). I don't want to stop playing, just because I can't cum, and I wont!
The other thing is, he isn't into Med/Fet. That might be part of it. I never played like that with my ex, even though I tried a few times to "suggest" it. He lacked imagination, unless it had something to do with a classic car. I didn't know then, about all the toys one could get online. Perhaps then, I might have been able to, lol. Honestly, I didn't know that there were so many people out there that knew about it and there was actually a name for it all!
I really hope that I get to have sex with someone else, someone that can make me cum. A lot of the guys on here say they could make me cum, and I think some of them really could, if only they were not so freakin' far away!! There is one guy...phew...man...I wish, but he's all the way in California, and here I am, in the middle of the Bible Belt, in Kentucky (hard to find peeps in my area that don't want more than a one night stand-no thanks!). So yeah, you are not alone in the not cumming area. I understand how you feel!!!