It’s not that I prefer anal sex it’s that being fucked up the ass makes me feel dirty and submissive. Physically vaginal sex feels better in many ways but the discomfort and sometimes pain (depending on how rough it is…) makes anal sex better for me because I have to stop focusing on myself and what I want and what feels good and just endure what is happening to me for someone else’s benefit. Nothing makes me more aroused than that. I had a relationship once where my boyfriend never penetrated me vaginally and I loved it. It felt so naughty. Our first time he just bent me over and worked his way inside of my ass little by little (it had been a while for me) while I struggled to take it. I don’t always come when fucked up the ass but that’s hot for me too. It’s more important that he come, and enjoy my hole, than me ever coming.
i've been asked to respond to this post by one of my favorite Zity members. They state it made them think about my:
"...posts about anal sex being more for your partners orgasm than your own. I know she has a different slant - but for some reason I instantly thought of you!"
So, here goes :-). i want to preface i don't think there are 'right' or 'wrong' answers to questions like this, rather the question opens discussion about variety and the infinite, complex variations between and betwixt humans, that i think can make our experience and interactions all that more rich.
As a gay, 'total bottom' guy, i don't have a vagina to compare with. Psychologically, my rectum is a sort of vagina and my penis a sort of clitoris. Not deluded here, i know what i have physiologically, it's just how i experience those parts relationally in synch with my psychological wiring. i gave up trying to justify how i am once i figured out i can't change it to meet culturally conditioned norms. So, that's not a deciding factor for me accepting or my sexuality, though it can figure into my experiencing it.
For instance, there can be times when being fucked in the ass "makes me feel dirty." Not think of myself as dirty though. We're complex beings, and come packaged with a ton of cultural conditioning, and some of what we feel may also be passed on genetically as part of our physiological make-up. There's a practical and spontaneous part of me that want's to be available any time my Top wants to penetrate me. "Spontaneity" that may elicit fears of being 'dirty' and how He might respond to that. If my Top didn't care about what He encountered, or even liked it, i'm wired responsive and while i might have the conditioned response of feeling "dirty," i'd also be turned on by His desire and that would override any negative response to being "dirty" for me. In this case, dirty is not only 'ok,' it's desirable for me if He wants it.
As for "submissive?" my submissive parts respond to mutual desire. i'm absolutely anally oriented, so a Mans desire to penetrate me anally, pretty much always elicits my desire to accommodate and submit to His desire/need. But it's not a universal response. For instance, force, bullying, shuts me down, as does a sense of entitlement. i do not experience those as 'dom' attributes, to me, they are opposite of dom... compensatory. The "entitlement" part can be tricky for some. For instance, i have a long time fantasy of a Lover Who knows He can have me whenever He wants/needs, even waking to the feel of Him penetrating me as He whispers in my ear as i wake: "take My Cock, i know you need it." To me, that is indicative of deep connection and understanding, not presumptuous entitlement.
Again, i don't have a vagina to compare with. i can say that as my lifelong primary sex organ, my anus looks more like a pussy slash than a puckered anus. It works better for penetration than retention. "Rough" is something i perceive attitudinally more than physically. In other words, a hard pounding for me is perceived physically as passionate, not "rough," and passion has the effect of arousing a deeper response of openness and submission in me. i cannot remember the last time anal sex was "painful." There can be momentary pain if a really large cock shoves in, or is dry, but that passes fast on the rare occasion i experience it. Pain is never an ongoing part of the fuck, and i would reject it if it was... but i don't even get started with a sadist, we don't connect in the first place, so it's not something i deal with when it comes to fucking.
As to "focus." For me, the magic of sex is the symbiosis. It's not all about Him or me, it's about the connection and exercise of mutual need/desire between compatible people. He wants/needs to fuck, i want/need to be fucked. Match made in heaven lol. Of course, it can get a whole lot more complex than that, but that's a basis that pretty much always works. The difference is in degrees. my ultimate/ideal Top is one Who wants/needs control over both our pleasure, including orgasm. Trying to simplify, He is not being selfish, but rather we both want the same thing. That's foundational for me. In that context, part of the magic of our union is sharing one orgasm between us. For me, as part of sex, that brings more fulfillment of bonding than me having an orgasm from having my penis stimulated during sex (and it gets even more complex than that, but i'm already writing a book here lol). When it's 'right,' for both of us, when He has His orgasm inside of me, at that point for me, that is my orgasm too... His orgasm transfers from Him into me and becomes my orgasm. Yeah, i know, sounds fanciful, but it's not for me.
Really, it does seem similar to me to what @fillmesofull expresses, though we seem to come by it differently, maybe because of our differences in equipment? When i was married to a woman (long story), we were both bottoms and sub. i learned how to pleasure her by stimulating her clitoris, but discovered that she did not want to orgasm that way. If i'd be orally stimulating her clitoris and she'd start to orgasm, she'd literally grab my penis to shove inside of her, or beg me to penetrate her. Retrospectively, i really get that as i do not want to orgasm from having my penis (big clitoris? lol) stimulated... it literally disappoints me and leaves me feeling very incomplete and unfulfilled sexually. A woman has a "g spot," a man has a "p spot." i wonder if a womans g spot can also be stimulated from anal sex? idk. We have different physical and psychological wiring, but i could easily have written:
"i don't always come from when fucked up the ass but that’s hot for me too. It’s more important that he come, and enjoy my hole, than me ever coming."