What turns a person into being bi?

I too, think it's not as simple as being one way or the other. If we could be raised in an environment isolated from parental influence, religious interference, societal "norms" and peer group pressure who knows how we would feel and act. I had a very fun and pleasurable same sex relationship as an early teen and would probably have continued if it were not for fear of other boys finding out and the constant religious pressure we both experienced from a parochial education. Today, as I have come to grips with my hidden desires for kinks and explorations, I wonder how I would react if a situation presented itself. I am starting to feel that we may all be capable of and even supposed to be bisexual. Just my two cents.

On another tack, over the years I have been in male only situations like stag parties and such where explicit videos have been shown. Sophomoric I know, but I was always struck by the fact that in my experience the strongest comments weren't about the size of a woman's tits, but the size of men's cocks. It may be just male inferiority fear coming out, but there were more than a few guys impressed with hard cocks. A lot of the other guys were just silent without commenting about the open comments. Two more cents.

Man, I love the openness of this wonderful group of people.

Great conversation. Insightful comments from everyone.

This is a long post, I know, but I feel compelled to express myself and share these thoughts.

Since recently joining zity I've been wondering about a lot of these considerations as they relate to my own sexuality. I've said before that I'm both fascinated and frustrated by lables of sexual personhood. People have a desire to accurately define themselves and others but clarity can be elusive.

I believe my sexual orientation and preferences have been constant as far back into childhood as I can remember. Of course I've actualized different aspects of my sexuality through my lifetime so far. My comfort level in reaching actualization is expanding. Many external influences impact that comfort level as I pass through stations in my life. Some inhibitions I've rationalized as practicalities at various times.

My romantic attraction to women is, I believe, what defines me as heterosexual. I do however have a sensual attraction to both the male and female anatomy. Does this make me bisexual? I think not. Heteroflexible? Perhaps, but I don't know. I've only had a few sexual encounters with other men in my teens and early twenties. They were exploratory and I chose to focus on my inclination toward women for most of my life, to great satisfaction. What might be considered homosexual erotic desires do continue to surface in me though. As I advance through life my desire to experience those erotic pleasures seems to be increasing. Regrets of denial may in the long run end up to be greater than regrets of indulgence. Certainty only comes with experience.

I am in a comitted heterosexual relationship with my wife however, and choose not to act on my attractions to other bodies of either sex at this time as a matter of fidelity. I have been greatly influenced by society's pressures to commit to one defined sexual orientation.

I remember an interesting exercise in a college course where classmates were asked to share their preferential rankings of being three things and explain their reasoning. For example, would you rather be a boulder, a tree, or a bird. Another question was whether you would rather be heterosexual, homosexual, or bisexual. I was surprised that the majority of participants ranked bisexuality last because of their view of it representing a failure to commit monogamously. I sensed a good bit of sexual repression in the room. (For the record I ranked them 1. heterosexual 2. bisexual 3. homosexual at the time and, if the question were pressed, I suppose I still would. But that's just me.)

Being free and open with yourself while respecting and coming to understandings with the significant other(s) in your life is, to me, key. And that is a work in progress.

Your attraction to male and female anatomy has no bearing on your sexuality and how I would (excuse me) label you. You are hetero, maybe bi-curious. A couple of experimental (?) male-male encounters in your twenties many years ago, I would consider inconsequential.

I am heteroflexible--a couple of times a year I get together with a woman who I find to be really special and we turn each other on. My husband is very understanding of this. As a rule, I prefer sex with men, but this woman and I share something, a closeness when we are together. If you want to call me bisexual for the 1-2% of my sexual activity being with women, I would not object.

Oh heavens I could write volumes on this, but I won't. 😃

Let's just say ... it's not at all uncommon for men to become more attracted to men as the years go by. I definitely fall in that category.

I've always been physically attracted to males. And, starting at around age 10, I was physically attracted to females. Then I became VERY emotionally attracted to females, even while staying physically attracted to males. One thing led to another, and I got married to a woman. At the time, I was straighter than I ever had been. Probably a 5 out of 7 on the Kinsey scale.

Anyway, not until age 41 did I basically fall in love with a guy -- my first real emotional/physical attraction to another male. It scared the shit out of me. I knew and had basically accepted the m4m physical part of me, but the emotional part blew ... me ... away.

That's when I really came to grips with the complexity of it all. As jds said ... Kinsey is a neat framework in many ways, but it is really two-dimensional whereas (bi)sexuality is multidimensional. There are men who have strong emotional attractions to other men but don't want to have sex with them. There are men who have strong physical attractions to other men but do not want to share emotional things with them. And there is every shade in between.

I'm a firm believer that sexuality is a mixture of physical/emotional attraction, and the scale has four quadrants instead of two "sides" like Kinsey would have us believe.

We need some new replies here!

I love this topic.

I have dated men predominantly up until my early thirties then I played with a woman. Wow! Totally different experience. Women are softer in looks and skin , well just softer. I tried hard for a long time to follow the norm that it's wrong ? No that's not the blowjob face! Anyway while dating the same dominant for many years I was always thrilled when he wanted me to play with another domme. I enjoy the look of a sexy man , the smell , the protection he offers . But, I prefer women and I am not ashamed to admit it. I've known it for many years...since my twenties I was bi curious. Sex with a woman is amazing if there is a connection. I always say I'm like 90% lesbian and 10% hetero. I am honest I have found myself and I am happy . And at the end of the day that is what matters. And I have found someone I love deeply . Some may say oh the age difference! Shame shame! And I say oh but if I were a man in love with a younger woman it would be perfectly acceptable. I am Submissivlee and I am in love with a female dominant named Cookie and I am extremely happy for the first time in my life . Love knows no number . Unless it's illegal then don't be a creep. Anyway that's my story. 😁

Ok Susie , you asked for it .

I missed the whole college " experimentation " experience , had I went when I was a young adult I am sure I would have dabbled . I am much more shy as an older adult as I was when I was a carefree teen .

Am I attracted to women ? No cant say that I am , I really like manly men . Do I find some women beautiful or pretty ? Of course I do . I wouldnt seek out anything with another female one on one .

The closest I ever came was as an older teen with my best friend and a boyfriend . A little partying and we found ourselves on the rug , two reved up girls and a guy that thought he won the lottery . Lol

Never thought much about it til I came to Zity . Aaaah the floodgates were opened ! In chat I have " played" around with a group which included other girls , I suprised myself by just how aroused I became and the fun I was having . It was hot to say the least . Would I do it in real life ? In the right circumstances ... Heck yes !

In my mind that does not make me " bi" or even curious , but just discovering my own sexuality as I get older and I consider myself open minded .

Big hand to you submissivlee you go girl!!! 😃

Looks to me like, many men, don't seem to take the female's needs to be the main goal in sexual encounters. I think having sex with a female partner is so much more exciting, and meaningful, if we take the initiative to fulfill their needs, desires, and wants, above ourselves. . .Quote: Mike 13:13, all chapters 😉

submissivlee said

I have dated men predominantly up until my early thirties then I played with a woman. . . . . Sex with a woman is amazing if there is a connection. . . .

Sex with ANYONE you have a connection with can be amazing.

Once in a while it can be mediocre--I'm being honest. The stars don't line up 100% of the time.

[color=#ffffff] . [/color]

bridgette said

. . . .Am I attracted to women ? No cant say that I am , I really like manly men . Do I find some women beautiful or pretty ? Of course I do . I wouldnt seek out anything with another female one on one . . . . .Never thought much about it til I came to Zity . Aaaah the floodgates were opened ! In chat I have " played" around with a group which included other girls , I surprised myself by just how aroused I became and the fun I was having . It was hot to say the least . Would I do it in real life ? In the right circumstances ... Heck yes ! . . . .

I'm mainly attracted to men and love sex with men. Two women together are gorgeous. I wouldn't give up the two or three times a year I spend with one of two women I play with. My husband knows and is OK with this and no, we have no plans for a threesome.

You should give yourself the opportunity to do this at least once in real life.

I'm not sure if you "turn bi" or at some point you just discard deep rooted stigmas that were planted in your brain regarding homosexuality. I tend to think it's the latter.

My question is this - Is it appropriate to consider yourself bisexual even though you've never had a same sex partner - but are perfectly willing or eager to do so?

I guess that's the nice thing about the term "Heteroflexible". It has a certain open endedness that makes it an easier fit for those of us in the gray area, and it conveys that your preference is for the opposite sex, but it's not a hard line.

I guess we all have our own perceptions, but if and when I ever have a same-sex experience - if I enjoy it enough to want to do it again, then I would probably term myself as bisexual.

I tried several times (in this post) to describe what I felt differentiated "Bi-curious", "Heteroflexible", and "Bisexual" - but it creates so many contradictions that I gave up and deleted it.

I was always more interested in women than men. But I was bicurious till about the time we four friends went on a trip after school and touchy touchy things happened 😜

I have also been emotionally attached to female partners and never male partners. Sounds weird? Let me give an example.

My ex guy was down with fever and cold he called me during my hospital hours. That irritated me, I told him many times that not to call during University time unless really really important. I told him to take medications and it will be fine. He wanted and anyone would want to be taken care of when sick. I just couldn't care. I did speak on phone but that's pretty much it. It's been same for other male partners as well. I just can not get emotionally attached to a guy! I have been in two relationships with men. It would have worked out only if I had cared a bit about them. When you're in love you take care of your significant other, it's an important part. I always had a good excuse - > I am sorry I was on rounds, couldn't pick up the call,I am sorry ER-gtg.

It's not the same for @submissivlee. She gets a call or text from me right away If she is not feeling right or she needs to talk. Unless I am in operating room . But like I meant, she is my priority and I NEED to hear her voice atleast once a day. I feel incomplete (for real) if I have not heard her. It was never the same for boyfriends. Its not like I had no interest in them. I did! I loved them but I couldn't emotionally connect myself to them.

Sex was amazing with guys for the most of the part just no emotional attachment. My ex guy has often said I am "Cristina Yang" from Grey's anatomy lol!Go figure

I would say that I find my peace with girls. I happen to find Lee the women I always wanted... Aaalways!!!! She knows it 😉 I am glad she found me here :-)

I also do not know the reason why I can not connect to guys. I connect fine with guys who are my friends, cousins or just randoms.when it comes to relationship - It's a no no.

Sex with women is more about snuggling, caressing, hugging and it's more special to me.

Thanks wicked sister (susie) for commenting on it! 😃

Sex with women is more about snuggling, caressing, hugging and it's more special to me.

This is exactly my meaning in saying that there has to be a connection. I don't just connect to any woman and engage in sex. I've never been into random sex. So for me to be sexually involved with anyone there has to be a deep connection. So far I have never had mediocre sex with anyone( women). I am intelligent enough to know that not everyone connects and sometimes sex can suck. For me it hasn't happened and I hope it never does.

ImDoug said

. . . .My question is this - Is it appropriate to consider yourself bisexual even though you've never had a same sex partner - but are perfectly willing or eager to do so?. . . .

I don't think so.

Are you a murderer if you would kill someone but don't do it because you would get caught?

Are you a murderer if you would kill someone but don't do it because you would get caught?

I sincerely hope not, cause if that were the case, I'd be behind bars as a murderer umpteen times over ... 😃 😃

But I do think the comparison is only partly apt because being a murderer pertains to a physical act, while a person's sexual nature is something innate and linked to their character and personality. Murderers are most often created by circumstances, while circumstances govern who gets to act on their sexual nature.

Or so I keep telling myself anyway ...

But I do think the comparison is only partly apt because being a murderer pertains to a physical act, while a person's sexual nature is something innate and linked to their character and personality. . . .

Having sex with someone isn't a physical act????

It IS the same thing.

@switchablesusie:

mDoug said

. . . .My question is this - Is it appropriate to consider yourself bisexual even though you've never had a same sex partner - but are perfectly willing or eager to do so?. . . .

I don't think so.

Are you a murderer if you would kill someone but don't do it because you would get caught?

I don't agree with you. I considered myself heterosexual long before I became sexually active.

I found my first time even more caring and romantic then when I was with a male, and I enjoy both sexes. I have learnt through many mistakes to enjoy life not analyize it

I accept it is not for everyone, but what harm am I doing to life?

First of all, I want to say to WH00 "Great topic. Thanks for initiating it. Hope you come back around to Zity soon"

I equate it with tastes in food. As little kids, we may not have liked certain foods that were good for us. We "learned" to like them as why grew older and our tastes changed over time. I actually went from not liking pickles to loving pickles to hating pickles.

As for me, I grew up in a homophobic environment, and society and environment plays a major part in shaping us. I found 2 guys romantically involved to be visually and conceptually disgusting. i could not comprehend why a guy or how a guy could pass up the beauty of a woman's body for another guy, so i believed gay males were suffering from a serious disorder. I consider that belief strictly related to my own comprehension level at the time.

Likewise, if i saw 2 unattractive "butch" lesbians, i didn't consider it exactly a pretty sight, but i thought, "Hey, there's a symmetry, because guys are not going to want someone who looks like that anyway. Of course "lipstick lesbians", those you would see on Howard Stern are always going to be a hot item.

The double standard, i always considered love, affection, & sex, to be feminine acts, making lesbian acts more acceptable than gay male acts. On the other hand, i tend to consider violence & swearing more of a masculine act, which may explain why people feel it's more unacceptable for women to swear or become violent as opposed to their male counterparts

.

Then the years progressed.

I see more of the world. I see issues in the world unfold. I grow older and mature. I go in & out of categories of friendships and folks around me. School & play friends morph into adult friends, morphing into adult parents once i became a parent, morphing into parents of athletes & students my son's age morphing into his friends too, morphing into older kids & their parents as friends as my son ages

Recently morphing into a community of older folks on these websites, where a common denominator has become prevalent among older guys, generally my age & up. And that is: Whether or not the wives have grown sexually distant, guys that may have been straight their whole lives are starting to become bi-curious.

I think about the sentiment those of you have posted, that goes to the effect of "you don't 'become', but rather reach a level of acceptance, acknowledgement &/or recognition of what was always within you". I agree that that's true to a percentage. A lot of us guys are scratching our heads, believing "we were never like this before. Why now?" And i think it is the growing & maturing. I think it's reaching an age where you stop worrying about what others think, and that your own happiness is what really counts.

To use myself as an example. I went 35 years in secret from the ENTIRE world about my jockstrap fetish. I let NO ONE know about it. Not spouses, not close friends, NOBODY ! But WHY ? Too self conscious and worried about what others would think, how i would be (mis)labeled, how i might get subsequently treated & looked upon, too awkward, too embarrassing. And they all still don't know about my fetish !

But now that i'm older & found a community where i'm comfortable being open, and have found other straight male fetishists especially, suddenly it was ok to, not only reveal and share it, but as several of you know by now, clearly i'm off the deep end. Talk about a 180 degree turn.

Then I look at my sexuality. Lifelong str8, grew up in a homophobic environment. But for those folks who say that your tendencies now were always within you, i would have to agree only on the part of admiring guys' bulges in their jockstraps. I've come to terms with the fact that i always had an appreciation for that.

That said, the "curious" side of me, the part that is curious of feeling another man's bulge, curious of what it would be like to jack another guy off, and perhaps the remote curiosity of sucking a man's cock, I didn't always have that. In which case, I would "become" someone who may like or enjoy that. I can't think it's always been within me, especially now that opportunities have presented themselves, but I haven't acted to take advantage of any. In order for me to do that, I feel I would have to "become" someone who's open to it, and that may happen or it may not. I don't even think it's been within me to be on the fence about it.

Over time, I've now come to have a much better understanding of homosexual inclinations, and therefore, can consider much more natural now than how i once looked upon it.

I went from being grossed out over male homosexuality to being flattered & thrilled to know guys were jacking off to my pics, as well as having been given offers to be sucked and jacked off. Lately, I've been spending a lot of time having a lot of fun coming up with ideas & chatting things to guys to get them hot.

The ladies will ALWAYS being a turn on for me, as well as my enjoyment at turning them on as well.

I think we're shaped by our past & present society, but can "become re-shaped" by the changing society. So i can see the degree of a combination of what's always been within you AND "becoming" some way that has not always been within you.

Well said, Health44. I think that people on Zity are more welcoming and open minded and it is nice that we can express ourselves comfortably here. You certainly opened up an interesting topic for further discussion.

Healthy , even though the jock strap does nothing for me < ( I can never resist adding my charming sarcasm -lol)I sincerely appreciate your post . You have touched so many points that I agree with and with such accuracy . Thank you for you post .

Having sex with someone isn't a physical act????

Having sex is indeed a physical act. But you can also BE a sexual person without necessarily having sex with someone. Many people long for sex with someone else but for a variety of reasons never get around to it. They may long for hetero and/or homo sex, think about it, fantasize and so on, but never act on it. Yet I am certain those people know what their core sexual identity is in most cases. Think for instance of people taking religious vows of chastity who actually honor those vows. They will know what attracts them sexually, therefore what they are sexually without ever acting on their temptations.

Therefore they may perhaps not DO, but can certainly BE.

This perhaps somewhat philosophical distinction is something that is recognized in many cultures. People are never convicted of being a murderer in their thoughts and fantasy and heart. A physical act has to take place (perhaps wrongly accused, but that is another matter). Throughout the ages, many people have been accused and punished for simply having a deviant sexual nature, often without any proof of the matter besides hearsay, observation of mannerisms or manner speech or dress or whatever.

I think we're shaped by our past & present society, but can "become re-shaped" by the changing society. So i can see the degree of a combination of what's always been within you AND "becoming" some way that has not always been within you.

I have the impression that instead of being reshaped, we learn to shed inhibitions that society imposes on us and which, when we are still young and malleable and impressionable and inexperienced and naive, were imposed on us by others.

Healthy , even though the jock strap does nothing for me

Healthy reads this, and wants to assume Bridgette has not seen his 2 photo albums on Zity, nor the "Taking the Trash To The Curb" vids, and certainly not the JTMac shots in the throwback Bike on allkink.com. 😉

Healthy has been told by folks who were not really into jockstraps previously, that they are now because of his pics (that he e-mailed them) which they find to be really hot. Healthy hopes to be able to have that effect on many people, including Bridgette.

One of the vids is on JTMac's profile on another website, and someone from Long Island wrote this morning, via copy/paste

"I just got hot thinking of u as neighbor and u doing things like putting the garbage cans out with your own cans exposed.. i'd look every morning n jerk off while watching u.. would u mind me sucking your cock?"

"Cans" ? Whatever.

Healthy has a secret goal in mind to get this same sentiment from hundreds of folks before the year's over....... 😉

Mellow - why did you find your experience with a female so romantic

I have heard this statement for years and I know they are testing genes and can't isolate it. Maybe a person is born gay. In my personal opinion I don't think so. I believe everything we do in life is a choice . I've also heard ignorant statements such as bi isn't real it's just a licsence to screw whomever you'd like. If you like the same sex or both sexes . You chose it . You figure out your preference as you mature. It's really very simple. Perfect example of choice is women who have been cheated on so many times they turn towards women . It's a choice.

Life experiences did not make me this way. My mom's twin brother had a gay child. We are the only two openly not straight people in the family. Before I had a boyfriend, I went to prom with a female friend. That night, we had beautiful relations. I was bi before I had a guy.

There are people in my family that are gay . They don't think it's genetic either. If you do that's cool I'm just giving my opinion. If your first relations were with a girl have you ever thought that maybe you're lesbian? And trying to make yourself like guys ? I'm not sure Tanya I've read your posts and there's some gender questioning as well so I don't know where you stand actually but I'm glad you've found a place to express yourself.

. . . I believe everything we do in life is a choice . I've also heard ignorant statements such as bi isn't real it's just a licsence to screw whomever you'd like. . . .

Bi IS real and IT IS a license to screw whomever you like.

Being Bi gives you twice as many opportunities to have a good time!

People are born with homosexual tendencies that are hardwired/genetic and MRI studies have shown differences in heterosexual and homosexual brains..

This is clearly not a choice. If it were, homosexuals could get aroused by the opposite sex but simply choose not to have sex with them. My close friends and I used to think it was a choice and that we could get one of my closest male friends to "change teams". I posted about this years ago here.

http://www.zity.biz/index.php?mx=forum;ox=display;msg=321089

We were in our early twenties and trust me, I looked good. I took him to bed with me, I did what all the guys I had sex with LOVED me to do. I had him play with my body--doing whatever he wanted. I gave hand jobs, blow jobs, hugging, kissing, massages, all sorts of things and he was limp all night. I couldn't even try to mount him. His dick was dead to the world. He was humiliated. I will also say that this little adventure ruined what was for years, a wonderful friendship. I saw him one time after that night. We both cried. My friends and I thought we could change him. You can't because it ISN'T a choice.

I have considered that. I like sex with guys and have amazing orgasms. I thought I was lesbian for years but then gave in to a coworker. I realized I liked it. Said coworker is a guy who is now with a guy. Awkward😃