Sub Dom relationship with no sexual appeal.

Hey everyone, I hope you're all good 😃

I have been with my wife since we were 11 and 12, we are childhhood sweethearts, soulmates and all the other saccharine cliches!

Anyway, one month after our wedding (after 19 years of courtship) she accidentally left an email account open, one specifically created for correspondence with a master - who, up until stumbling across the account, I didn't know existed.

I read all of the mails - over 365 - 1 a day for a year! I read how she planned to meet him in her wedding dress, how she longed for his penis, how her anus was aching and fizzing for him etc etc. Ugh!

The first thing I did upon reading this was ring her, furious and hurt. I kept saying to her 'you've been fucking another man' to which she kept responding 'Is that all that matters to you?' - I guess it wasn't all that mattered; psychologically there was a hell of a lot more damage being done by this, but the base emotion was 'My wife has been fucking another man, who has been giving her a sexual satisfaction that I haven't/can't'

Eventually, she just about persuaded me that she in fact HATED the sexual part of it - but was manipulated into believing that it was the final, essential part of the power exchange in an attempt to reach 'ground zero'. She kept referring to an innate need to be submissive and that those 6 or 8 hours with him gave her huge relief from all of her anguish and mental suffering and not 'a fucking 50 shades of grey scenario' as she puts it. She was so steadfast in her assertion that that this was a deep psychological thing i started to see why, on that night when I found out about this, she was so angry at me for focusing on the sexual side. Obviously, the sexual focus of her emails to him was just her telling him what he wants to hear; a key element of this.

She claims she hasn't cheated on me or had an affair and that she completely 'switched off' when he was fucking her in the arse... this has taken me 6 months of vehement persuasion from the person who I love and trust most to believe. She claims to value purity and fidelity as much a I do and feels what she did was from the purest place in her heart.

I met the guy for coffee, he is the antithesis of what she finds attractive - I mean the polar opposite. That made me feel even better. Turns out the poor bastard was just desperate to be an a alpha male and his whole life was focused on doing anything he can to project that to people. I sensed a very weak, insecure man. I'm not for one second suggesting that this is the case with all Doms and maybe that is just what I wanted to see...

However, every so often - I get those feelings of jealousy and hurt creeping back to me, especially when I stumble across BDSM porn or walk past Coco De Mer! Probably because most the stuff I see online or read about Sub/Dom stuff is inherently and almost purely sexual, with the other facets merely heightening the sexual side of things, as opposed to the other way round.

Anyway, I just wanted to see if there was anyone else out there who has a similar relationship with submissiveness to my wife's? I trust her again, after 6 of the hardest months of my life, but would like to put the final nail into the coffin of my suspicion.

Thanks so much xxx

Hi PIFO,

Those crisis happen to pairs who are together since childhood.Yours is not so difficult and i think you have already this behind yourselves.It is obvious she was missing something and you did not noticed her calls or she did not asked it from you loud enough,search and you will find the answer.Make her to confess to you what is missing,and give it to her.It will take some time not much,but,it worths the try,and i am sure you will succeed and have a happy life,Feel free to ask me more.All the best for both of you.

Yours

Nicol

Thanks for this Nicol.

One thing is for certain, she doesn't want me to be her master! We have discussed this at length.

Both her and I are happy for her to find another master who will dominate her without any sex and thus provide her with the psychological 'therapy' that she needs.

Thanks again x

Happy to listen that you have already found a way to open your marriage to a 3rd person to discipline only her if i understood right.It has to be a serious big improvement in your relationship now,and if i am right you will notice it in your love making.Feel free to sent a personal message.

All the best for both of you

Yours

Nicol

Yeah, you are right... Our love making is just fine though - in fact it's crazy, without limits and certainly anything but vanilla! I guess the point I'm trying to get at is that her need for dominance is not related to sex in any way.

Cheers x

PIFO,

I fully understand what you are trying to find out, and I can tell you that your wife is not the only submissive out there who desperately seeks dominance because of some innate need which is really non-sexual. I have had relationships which were strictly D/s with no sex involved. There was touching, and there were orgasms at times, but no intercourse. I have also had relationships which did have sex, but the sex was just another action/activity included in the scene.

I have been married for 10 years now, and my husband knows all about my need for Dominance. He actually tried to by my Master, but it just wasn't going to work... it caused more problems than it fixed. We later decided that I should seek a Master outside of our marriage, and it worked very well. I am no longer with that Master, but it did not end by any fault of mine or my husband's... Master's are human too, and they make mistakes just like everyone else. That one lied, and I never forgave him.

If you have found it in your heart to forgive your wife, and you feel you can understand the real reason she was seeking a Master, then you have already done the difficult part. I applaud you for your strength through all of this, and your wife's submission to a Dominant can really be a gift to both of you if you understand it.

Just to reiterate what I said above, it is possible to have a D/s relationship not related to sex in any way, but most importantly, I think you should realize it's also possible to have sex not related to love in any way. This is where you will always win, since you know you have her love. 😉 Good luck to you both! I hope you find the peace of mind that you seek.

soumise

Soumise,

Thank you so much for your response. You have elucidated everything that I have grown to understand about my wife and I am delighted to find out that she is not the only one; not through any lack of trust - merely because doubt is a restless and persistent creature!

I know exactly what you mean, I tried to be a master to my wife and it was actually quite laughable - we know each other and our weaknesses way to well for that. And yes I have forgiven her 100% because her desire was/is more of a need and in no way reflects upon any want to cheat on me.

Thank you both for taking the time to answer my question, I'm glad I came here.

I applaud you for taking the time and making the effort to work this out. If you can your relationship will be even stronger. I have been involved in the open practice of the alternative lifestyle for many years now and can assure you it is a need not just a desire, Many of my scenes with submissive are not sexual at all. With some it is sexual for them but not for me.( I make them have orgasms on command but I am fully dressed and not erect. It is about control for me and giving up control for them. You are also correct than many weak people use the lifestyle to get sex and power that they would never experience otherwise but many practice it in an honorable way so all parties involved get what they need without breaking hard limits.

Additionally you are correct that you can not be her Dom with the dynamic and history that you have. I have seen that tried a number of times and it was almost always a failure even when the husband had coaching from experienced people. .

A Dom Sub relationship alwayes have some sexual appeal i think. But very often no intercourse. The sexual is with in the pain and how the sub reacht. Often the sub get orgasem by the pain.