A True Dominant

During a conversation with someone local to me, we started discussing which way he identified because it was not obvious to me in our conversation. Normally, when it's not obvious to me, the man turns out to be new or a switch. This one was new to the lifestyle with no real life experience. One thing this man said that really confused me and irritated me at the same time, was that he was always polite and respectful but he has a dominant side that he hides very well. My question to him was "Why do you feel you have to hide it?" and then I told him being a real dominant wasn't about being rude, disrespectful, or even being very strict. You don't just march around giving orders and expect someone to follow them. It's more about an idea of care. It's about knowing what someone needs to be a better person and steering them in the right direction. Along the way, you can add the kinky things, but the personality is the cornerstone of a D/s relationship, or else it's just considered play. (With me? If you march around giving orders? I consider you a jackass and there's no way I'm going to just 'do' what you say. LOL!)

I did explain to him that I was not saying he wasn't dominant, and that through a good mentor and some education he could be a great dominant, but evidently I ran him off and haven't heard from him since.

My question(s) to you all is:

Is my logic in this assessment flawed? Is D/s really just a game you play behind closed doors? Or is there more to it like I have described above? Why do so many people feel the need to 'hide dominance' or even submission, for that matter? Why do they think being 'discreet' means hiding who they might really be? (... and why, when you are discussing something that someone could learn from, do they always just 'run away'? They could learn so much if they just kept going!!!)

Hope you can shed some light on this and it just dawned on me I should have 'maybe' put this topic in the phychology corner, but you can move it if you feel the need. (I think this is my first 'topic' I've ever written! YAY!)

Sincerely,

soumise

Well i believe that after some years looking back,you will see that you could be more understanding and polite to him,telling the same things in an other way,which could possibly hold him with you,IF you wanted to make him a better person.Big effort.Since he did not catch the opportunity you gave him by telling he would be a good dom, thinking (him) that he has arrived perfection, you saved yourself from a lot of trouble.The way you described him i saw no tenderness politeness respect to the other in him,main characteristics of a good dom. I should love to read your thoughts comments on my comments.

I don't believe I was rude at all to this man. I was trying to get him to see he didn't have to hide the fact that he was a dominant, if he was in fact a dominant at all. He actually contacted me back later that day and after a few minutes of discussion, I learned he had no experience or reference materials except for 'Fetlife', so he just didn't know what 'dominance' really was in the sense of the lifestyle.

I've offered him assistance finding the corrrect material to learn what he needs to know, but I've told him I can't teach him to be dominant. He either is dominant, or he isn't. I can show him how to build his confidence so others can see his dominance, but he has to do all the work. All I can do is guide him. He really is nice, and he could be a wonderful dominant, he just needs structure and self discipline. We're working on it. 😉 This is not really my expertise. I'm a submissive, and a very loyal one, but I don't know anything about actually BEING a dominant. I guess I can send him in the right direction, wish him the best, and part ways, right?

The main point of my post was trying to find out why people are so uneducated regarding these lifestyles. Do they simply not know how to find it, or are they finding bad information? Have any of you run into conversations like I described yesterday? Oh, and please DO NOT get your knowledge/education from Fetlife... it's the worst thing you could ever do!

"You mean you don't just tie them up and beat the shit out of them?" people ask.

"Only if that is what they want." I reply.

"No, only if that is what W/we want." I add.

--

To my way of thinking, you are on a good track.

One of the very best books I have read on the subject of BDSM is Ties That Bind, by Guy Baldwin. It is a collection of columns he wrote for DRUMMER magazine. Guy is Gay, as am I, but his description of going through "the cathartic portal" is the best short description of a successful BDSM scene - or relationship. That chapter is titled "Fear Is the Enemy." It is about accepting and enjoying one's nature / role as Dom(me) or sub.

I like the title of that chapter, and for the folk in this group, I suggest reading it as "Fear Is the Enema."

I am known as a Master, with a Committed sub, a boy-in-training, and many part-time subs. Not many of them are into enemas (H2E) butt the dynamic of giving / receiving enemas can be the same as the dynamic of any good BDSM scene or relationship. And, yes, BDSM is not all or even always about pain and discomfort. The most successful scenes or relationships, it seems to me, are about Connection, Affection, and Passion. And the afterglow can be remarkable.

Just my $.02 worth.

e-chuck

AKA Dr. D.

Thank you e-Chuck,

I had totally forgotten about that reference, "Ties That Bind" by Guy Baldwin, and I think it would be a great book for my new friend to look into. I've read some of the books out there, but there are just so many that I've already forgotten some of the names of the really good ones. It's been a while since I've read them. Thanks for sharing! I really appreciate it!

soumise

Hey,

Thanks for the thanks.

Chuck

Soumise,

First of all...wonderful post..congrats on your first topic, you picked a great one, and no, your assesment is not flawed. As a rule we are either Dominant or submissive such as yourself. The general public is not going to automaticly tie either of the two traits to BDSM, in fact most of them have never even heard of it. Being a Dominant is a state of mind as well as in the way we carry ourselves and the fact that he feels the need to hide his Dominance tells me several things. 1) He is either embarresed or affraid of his own thoughts and desires reguarding it, 2) He is more worried about what sociaty considers to be normal than following his heart or 3) this being the case most of the time, as you said, he doesn't understand the true meaning of being a true Dominant when it comes to the lifestyle. You can not teach someone to be dominant, as you said, they either are or they aren't. All one can do is guide them and show them how to develope and refine what they already are. Most people are uneducated reguarding this(BDSM) because they choose to be, if they don't know and understand it, then they don't have to acknowledge it. There is a lot of bad information out there, there are olot of people who claiming to have knowledge and experience in the lifestyle and thjey them selves are totaly clueless. As for fetlife....lol....NO...that is definitely NOT the place to seek your information/education. From what I;ve seen there most of the folks are players and wanabes...or is that ...wish I was...either way most of them seem to be clueless to the real thing.

I am dominant in life, and sociaty is clueless to the fact that I am a Dom/Master in the BDSM lifestyle, one has nothing to do with the other yet they are one in the same.

AnywaY...that's my 2 cents. I hope we can catch up with each other soon I'd really love to chat more with you.

By the way luv....how are the green houses comming?

Thank you Sir,

It's reassuring to know I wasn't imagining what dominance really was. I didn't want to lead him in the wrong direction. I felt he had a genuine interest, but was uneducated on the topic. I have since, tried to lead him in the correct direction and he seems to be getting much better. He is not the right dominant for me, but I feel he will be quite wonderful for the right submissive very soon if he keeps learning at the pace he is learning now.

Oh, and the greenhouse is completed and has been full of little baby plants since mid February! Now that it's April, I'm trying to finish the planting in there so I can focus on the garden. I'm running a bit behind because I have to depend on my neighbor to plow the 3600 sq ft garden. He just turned it again last weekend, so now we till and then we plant! I'm so excited! Thank you so much for asking about it. My gardens and my greenhouse are my pride and joy! *giggles*

I'm looking forward to speaking to you soon too. It's frustrating how our schedules will not cooperate! Have a great day!

soumise

I truely believe that how dominant or how submissive people are somewhat driven by the the one they are with. There may be some subs that need more or less. But as in any relationship it is what works for them.

For the Dom who wants to beat on people there are a few people who will just take what is given to them no matter what.

To start Great Topic ..on your first

I find people on the overall seem to find it extremely hard for some reason to tell 1) the people they attached to(spouse/mate/partner) Even in this day and age although sex is much more open ,and we all know much more social media (zity) available to talk/engage in conversation ,There is many people (couples) I know where they have been married or been together years yet to this day have not told one about either a fetish or if they are Dom/Sub .Can by for various reasons spouses religion,if his/her parents were to find out .

2) As already said ,I also believe there are many Men (Women) that truly not sure what they really are or if they do ,can they except the fact ,is it possible that you may have a Male who has a hard time dealing with fact that he has Submissive tendencies and has no idea how he is to tell his spouse ,how she will except such.Same goes true for a Male who believes he may be dominant.First he may question what true Dominant means,how will mate except ,maybe mate also possibly dominant.

However there are still many people who have become with the fact of being either Dominant or Submissive and there are many couples ,mates/partners who have dealt with it . Social Media like "Zity.Biz" has alot to do with that it is a great sounding board for people ,along with giving names of Good Authors that can help with various subjects .

I guess my wife is a good dominant...she would never do anything to hurt me, but she does like to get her own way. It makes me very happy to help her get anything she wants.

Kk so Im also not a true dominant, Im a switch..

But for me as a dominant, the sub's trust and comfort comes first. To know about their limits soft and hard or if they are willing to try something matters a lot. Maybe for punishment I would like to push their limits but

If they don't want something at all I would NEVER do that even If I like it. There should always be a safe word to stop if it exceeds the sub's limit and they can't take it more.

Dominants have a commanding aura, the way they talk, walk, look at you etc oozes their dominance and a person doesnt need to be strict or rude to be a dominant.

They have an ability to make others or their sub follow their rules like a boss.

Well this is what a dominant means TO ME.