Ever get an enema on your Birthday?
When I turned 8 I actually got an enema on my Birthday. Now I should clarify something. I didn't really get Birthdays. They were just another day. The reason was my mom was a Jehovah Witness and she didn't celebrate any holidays. I use figured it was a way for her to be cheap and blame it on her religious beliefs. Of course those beliefs were only followed when it benefited her. Like drinking, smoking, eating pork etc.
But Dad did believe in Birthdays and tried to provide me with some type of reward for remaining alive for another year. Much to my sister's chagrin.
My dad also collected denizens of the bar crowd and would bring home some crazed inebriated character each night. But since it was my birthday today. He brought home two inebriated characters. Sid and Doris. Sid was very memorable. He would start and end every sentence with God Bless you. Doris thought everything was funny and laughed with a snorting laugh.
"God Bless you Steve. Here's a present for you and God Bless you." Sid stammered out as he handed me a poorly wrapped long package.
I quickly unwrapped the gift and discovered that it was a carton of Lucky's.
Dad grabbed it away from me and told Sid that I was too young to smoke and he would would hold it for me until I was old enough. Dad didn't know that I already took up smoking. Second hand smoke that is. Every time I rode in the car with mom. I could barely see anything through the thick haze of cigarette smoke that hung heavy inside the car.
She even smoked in the house as I watched a plume of smoke rise from the front of a lazy boy her other hand clutching an almost empty bottle of Jack Daniels.
Now that the gifts have been presented to me. My next favorite part of the Birthday ritual was the cake. A yummy devil's food cake with fudge frosting, a fudge filling and fudge writing on the top of the cake.
"Happy 50th Anniversary Leo and Edna?" I looked at my Dad.
"I...I...Must have picked up the wrong cake." He also stammered out. "Lets cut the cake."
Doris who was very drunk grabbed a table spoon laughing like a Hyena. She actually attempted to cut and serve the cake with that spoon.
Well I'm not sure how we ended up cutting the cake. But think I ate half of it.
"Oh god." I moaned as my body was gripped in painful cramps. "Mom?"
My plea for help was met with.
"This is why I don't celebrate birthdays." Mom yelled out from the living room. "Your father did this to you he needs to fix it."
"Dad and Sid are busy comparing their boogers."
Dad and Sid had picked out of their noses two large boogers and where determining who had the larger one.
"Oh for Pete sakes. I'm always the one who has to put everything right." In mom's attempt to get up from the Lazy boy. She fell off of it. Two empty bottle of Jack Daniels followed onto the floor. She pulled her self up among the laughter of my Dad and his drunk friends and stumbled toward me. She grabbed my hand a dragged me off to the bathroom as she bounced into the walls of the hallway.
"Walk straight or you know what's good for you." Mom yelled at me.
We somehow made it into the bathroom. A row of sitzmarks in the drywall documented the journey.
"I told your father if he was insistent on celebrating your birthday. Not to let you eat cake. You know how sick it makes your stomach."
Actually I didn't know that. But based on the way I was feeling. It just might be true.
"Now I have to give you an enema." Mom stripped all of my clothes off.
"A what?" I wasn't sure if I heard her correctly. She had a bit of a slur to her voice. "I just need that Pepto stuff. The stuff that's pink. The stuff that you take in YOUR MOUTH." Nothing I was saying was ringing any bells. Not that she had any bells to ring.
Mom already had the enema stuff out and was screwing the hose into the hot water bottle. There was no water in the hot water bottle. She also was mumbling to her self as she assembled this dry enema.
"Every time he does something I have to un do the trouble he caused. I should have married Earl Stickey instead." Mom droned on.
Every time Mom was pissed off at Dad, she would throw the Earl Stickey story at him. How she was going with Earl in high school before she met him. How Earl proposed first. How the only reason she didn't marry Earl Stickey was that when her Father found out. He ran Earl Stickey over with the car. While Earl was recovering in the hospital she met dad and the only reason she agreed to marry him was that he was able to feed himself.
"So that's why you are getting an enema." Mom ended her Earl Stickey story with that comment.
"I'm getting an enema because you didn't marry Earl Stickey? I wouldn't even be here to give an enema to if you married Earl Stickey. I pontificated.
Mom hung the empty enema bag on the shower rail. She sat on the toilet and bent me over her lap.
"This is going to be the longest and biggest enema you have ever had. In fact I'm going to give you this enema to you until you graduate." Mom's speech became more slurry and sad sounding.
She ripped down my underwear exposing my bare bottom and attempted to push the nozzle into my bottom with little luck.
"Where did you put our butt hole?" Mom screamed out tersely to me. "I'm warning you Shteven. I'm not playing games here."
"I didn't do anything with it. I want this enema. I need this enema to make me feel better." Your damn right I want this enema with no water. It will be the best enema I have ever taken. I want all my enemas like this...
Of course I live a cursed life. Just as mom finally found the target. Doris blasted into the bathroom laughing away. She took in the scene before her, and just when you thought her laugh couldn't get any worse. It did.
"What are you shdoing?" Doris asked, or should I say slurred out.
"I'm giving Shteve an enema. Now get out." Mom also slurred out.
Doris waged her finger at Mom. "No you're not. Not like that your not."
"What do you mean not like this. I always do it like this." Mom was getting irritated.
"I'm surprised it worked." Doris plopped down on the edge of the bathtub. She grabbed the hose hanging from the bag and used it to pull it down. The flat bag fell into Doris's lap. "There's no water."
Mom studied that last comment from Doris carefully. She looked at Doris and then down at the empty bag. "Well of course there's no water in the bag. I haven't put it in yet...In the bag yet. Mom stood up. Luckily Doris was there to catch me as I rolled off Mom's lap.
Doris put me over her lap and laid her big hand on my bare bottom. She lightly patted it.
"We are going to fix you right up," Doris said as she rubbed her big hand in circles on my bare bottom.
Mom filled the enema bag so full it looked like a red rubber bowling ball.
"You think this is enough?" Mom asked as she held the over bloated bag up.
"Better put a little more water in it" Doris said.
I turned my head and saw this enormous bag coming toward me. I began to panic. Neither of these women where in any shape to give me an enema.
Mom started to hang the bag up on the shower rod.
"I would just hold it. That flimsy rod's not going to hold the weight." Doris suggested.
Mom was ignoring Doris and hooked the hook onto the bag. When she released her grip on the bag. Just as Doris predicted. The shower rod came down. But neither women even flinched an eye lash as the shower rod was reduced to twisted metal in the bottom of the bath tub. Mom starting laughing as well as Doris. Since I was over Doris's lap. Every time she laughed. My body would shake like jello. Still laughing. Mom picked up the enema bag and held it high. The enema nozzle somehow remained inserted in my bottom and the water flowed down the hose and into me. Luckily Doris stopped Mom's evil plans to give me this enema until I graduated. Instead, opting for a more instinctive approach.
"I Think he's had enough. The water is coming out of his mouth." Doris said.
Doris actually became friends with my Mom after that day. I guess an enema can bring enemies together