NervousLilPatient,
Let me start by saying, which is way too much information for everyone, but,.....I currently have a PMS migraine, not that I am making any excuses for what I am about to say, just sayin because I will come across as a total bitch here in a few minutes and just thought I might give an explanation ahead of time. Having said this, I will try to be as nice as possible, I swear.
I completely agree with ladydocisin, you need, for your own health and well being, to go and see your doctor. You don't have to go to the gyno for a pap and what not, your regular doctor can do the job just as well, but seeing as how you are 27 years old, ummm, you are way past due, by about 9 years.
Now while I agree with lady that you need to go have these things done, I might suggest that you first go see a shrink. As a medical professional I totally get that you have a phobia, but you can get over that with the help of a shrink and medications. I have a pretty severe case of white coat syndrome, and I work in the medical field, ironic on so many levels, however when I had to find a new doctor when I was no longer able to have my boyfriend be my doctor, I had to just suck it up and deal with it. Sometimes it's still not pretty, but it is what it is and I don't exactly have a choice in the matter.
Another reason you really need to see a shrink is because of your comment, "I'm suicidal." I have real big issues with comments like that, really big! If you are really serious about that comment, then again, you need to go and get help, like right now. A shrink or even again, your regular doctor can help you get past that with counseling or with medication, or with both. Better living through chemistry I always say. Actually these days I say, "God love Remeron." Lol.
I have had the NON-PLEASURE of caring for a few, meaning 2 maybe throughout my nursing career (ten years now, boy how time flies, Oy Vey!) for people who have tried to commit suicide and failed because they apparently didn't know enough human anatomy to get the job done correctly. Now I have to tell you, neither case was pretty. These people were basically vegetables, having to live out the rest of their days alone, lonely, and being cared for and totally relying on medical staff to take care for their every need.
One of them, the first one I took care of actually was able to speak and was completely alert and oriented times three. He shot himself in the wrong place which left him completely paralyzed from the neck down. He was able to feel everything though, he just couldn't move. He had a feeding tube so we fed him and gave him meds that way. Sometimes when I was in giving him care we would talk, he liked talking when someone came in to give him care because basically the only human contact he got was when rounds needed to be done by law every 2 hours.
I do almost all of my continuing education credits on psych issues. I love learning about psych issues and diagnosis, current treatments, and how to effectively deal with a patient with a psychosis, but I don't like to deal with psych patients for real, as in on the job. I am way too blunt usually and just don't have enough tact to handle them properly. Some I do, and what I say really makes a difference and changes their lives, but others are far too gone and can't be helped. And not being able to help/fix someone is still a hard pill for me to take.
There have been a lot, and I do mean a lot of research done here as of late, especially in light of this countries economic striffe and what not about the whole "suicide" issue. Maybe I was 10 years ahead of my time with my thoughts because the psych docs and nurses are finally starting to really see the issue of suicide for what it really is. But more on that after the following story.
The man I took care of for over 2 years, in the beginning of me taking care of him, well, to be quite frank was a huge pain in my ass, as well as everyone elses. My tolerance level dwindles very rapidly with stuff like this, but, as a nurse, I have to by law give him the proper care, but honestly, I would even if it wasn't the law. I do not have to smile and be all nicey nice, but I do have a legal responsibility to provide the basic essentials, which is all he got from the medical staff, the basics. He would yell out all the time things like, I need a drink of water, Coke, coffee, or he would yell out because one of his body part itched and he couln't scratch it. He had a call light system rigged up so that all he had to do is blow into a straw to trigger his call light which he was quite capable of doing, he just thought that by yelling we would get there a lot faster. I had to explain to him a few times that yelling at us only caused all the other residents to get upset and complain, and in turn, it also caused us, the nursing/STNA staff to have to stop what we were in the process of providing care with another resident, come in his room, ask him what he wanted or needed, turn off his call light, and again and again telling him that there are 37 other patients on this hallway, all needing their own care as well before so that they could be changed, given the required care and be put in bed as well. I would also have to explain to him that again, rounds are every 2 hours, and unless an emergent situation came up, before he would receive care twice during that 2 hour round period, everyone else had to be given their care first. Then, after all 37 were down or up but were checked, clean, and dry, and if we had time left over during that 2 hour round session, then and only then would an STNA or myself be able to go back into his room again. And, if we didn't have time to go back into his room for the extra something he wanted, not needed, then sorry, and as my famous saying goes, "everyone pays the same, everyone gets treated the same, period."
About a week after meeting and caring for him everyday, I was in his room giving him his meds and his tube feeding solution and he asked me a hard question. He asked me why I hated him so much. I told him I absolutely do not hate him at all. I asked him why he thought that, maybe something I did? He went on a told me why he thought I hated him. He said, because you never stay any longer than you have to be here, and you never talk about your family or home life. And I said I know, because work is work, and my personal life is my own and doesn't really belong in the workplace.
Then there were other times he would either sit in his room and cry, or he would scream out while we were in his room over various things. At first when I started he would either yell out for a staff member to come to his room, about 4-6 times an hour. When we got there he wanted us to do stupid stuff like open the curtains 2 more inches, turn his TV to the left just a hair, but 2 hours earlier he wanted it turned just a hair to the right, and so forth and so on. While I realize that he could not do anything for himself, he needed to learn that we were not at his beckon call and every whip stitch. So, we had another "come to Jesus" meeting. Where I told him that when we were in there he needed to have a list in his head of all the things that he wanted or needed done and my staff would be more than willing to get them done all in one shot while we were in there, but that again, none of us had time to be in and out of his room every 5-10 minutes every hour. For a few days that worked out pretty well, but then he once again started getting out of control with the things he wanted done. My STNAs were finding themselves in there for sometimes in upwards of 30 minutes or more every 2 hours during rounds taking care of his wants and needs. So, I had to go in and put my foot down again with him. This time I brought my staff all into his room and we had one more "come to Jesus" meeting. I told him that he had a choice, he could either have 2 STNA's in his room every 2 hours for 10 minutes, or 1 STNA in his room for 15 minutes. And I gave him the choice. He picked 2 for 10. Then I told him that he had better have his mental list made and in order when it came time for the STNA's to come. I also had the girls do him very first thing for each set of rounds meaning that his care slot would be from 2pm to 2:10pm, and since rounds are every 2 hours, then the girls would be back in at 4pm to 4:10pm etc. I also mentioned that I would be watching this very closely and that before the girls went in to his room, and when they came out of his room they were to report to me so that I could keep exact tract of the time for them in case they got "side tracked", and if after 10 minutes they still were not out, at the end of the 10, no matter what they were doing, they would stop, put him in a safe position and they would have to finish up what they were doing on the next two hour round session. I also told them that their top priority was to change him and reposition him very first thing, everything else was extra, therefore it could be left for another 2 hours if they were running out of time. He hem-hawed and got upset with me, my rules and what he called "us being unfair to him because he was sicker than everyone else, he couldn't move or do things for himself and that he required more help than everyone else, to which I replied, no, you are not sicker any anyone else here, actually for all accounts and purposes you are pretty healthy all things considered, you just can't move your body. I also told him that there were many others on my hall who were currently in the dying process and I rattled off a slue of other diagnoses that were very real, some life threatening, some not so much, but would eventually be. I actually told him that he was one of the healthier patients facility wide that we have, it's just his body that wasn't working or cooperating as he would like it to be.
His next slue of comments sent me on another one of my biggest soap boxes of all time. He said, "I pay good money to be well cared for here, and I deserve to be treated with respect and I deserve to be able to have what I want when I want it." At this time both STNA's had left the room to go care for others, so my reply to him was, "well actually you are paying nothing to live here. Your bill is being paid by the tax payers, which I promise you makes no difference to the care you get, everyone gets treated equally here. And as far as being treated with respect, I don't quite understand what you mean? How do we not treat you with respect?" He said "because when I ask for assistance or want something, it's your staff and your responsibility to make that or those things happen." I then explained to him what the meaning of respect is that it isn't about being at your beckon call, it's about speaking to you and answering you with a decent tone, and listening to all your concerns, desires and wants, and trying to give and or provide you with as much as we can, when we can, and if we can afford to. It's also closing your door or curtain to help maintain your privacy and dignity, as well as making sure you are clean and decent looking and smelling good when you are awake and especially when you are up in your chair and out of your room visiting with the general public and other residents and family members. And respect has absolutely nothing to do with again, being at your beckon call. I also very nicely told him that from what it sounds like to me, and as much as you feel you deserve from my staff, not only of them but of their time that maybe he might be better off hiring a private duty nurse, who would be able to do more for him on a one on one basis. Then I played my little math game with him that I play with all my patients who complain about the quantity of time they are receiving from my staff or myself. And the math game goes as follows... I have 38 residents and 2 STNA's. If you divide that by two, then each STNA has how many residents in their care? Answer: 19. Okay next lets figure up hours. They each work an 8 hour shift, now minus out 30 minutes for lunch and 2 15 minute breaks, which by the way are required by law consequently enough, which total another half hour, then add the lunch and the breaks together and you get one full hour. So now you have 2 STNA's taking care of 19 residents each for 7 full hours. Next we have to figure out how many minutes are in 7 hours. So 7 times 60 = 420 minutes in their total shift. We are on the home stretch now, now we are going to divide 420 minutes by the 19 residents to figure out how many minutes can be spent on each resident during their 7 hour shift, which equals a grand total of, rounded to the nearest tenth is about 8 minutes on each resident total during one 8 hour shift. And to go into this even deeper, the STNA's do a round as soon as they come on at 2:00 PM, then between 4:00 PM and 5:00PM as they are getting them back up for dinner, then after dinner is over everyone wants to immediately go to bed so as the STNA's are getting their jammies on and putting them to bed, changing them, toileting them, brushing teeth etc, which counts as another round between 6:30 PM and 7:30 PM, then they do their last round which is usually a basic quick round to make sure no one is in a total mess at 9:00 PM. Adding all those rounds up totals 4 rounds per shift. Now divide the total number of minutes each resident gets per shift (which is 8 minutes total) by the number of rounds done to each resident per shift (which is 4), which will give you the total number of minutes each resident gets during each round, which is a grand total of 2 minutes each resident is allotted for each round. And I was offering him 10 minutes with both STNAs each round during the shift which gives him a total of 40 minutes each shift when all the other resident are only getting a total of 8 minutes. So I asked him to remind me again about my staff and myself not giving him respect or enough time? He didn't have an answer. However, he wasn't done with me, he had one last card to play, and I had a feeling he would pull this card.
Next he said, "Well, at least you guys could show a little sympathy for me. I'm totally paralyzed, I can't do anything for myself, I live in a nursing home with a bunch of old people, and I basically have no life." Now here's where it might seem like I'm getting a little bitchy, crass, or coming across like I don't care. But as I said in the start of the way too long post, the subject of suicide hits a very raw nerve for me.
I asked him if he was alert and oriented right now. He said yes. Then I asked him if he was alert and oriented when he tried to commit suicide and he again replied yes. So I said, okay let me clarify for a second here, you were alert and oriented, knew exactly what you were doing, what your intentions were when you loaded, cocked, and placed the gun up to your neck, then you willingly pulled the trigger, no one asked you to, no one forced you to, you did it of your own free will and because you wanted to. Am I getting the picture right? Is that about how it happened? He said yes, almost exactly right. I asked him what I was missing then. He said, you forgot that my girlfriend left me because she said......... (wait for this, it's priceless)I wasn't man enough for her and she wanted a man she knew she would be able to count on." So sticking my foot in my mouth I gracefully said, "well, I guess you showed her huh."
Thinking outside the box a bit as I sometimes do. Remember at the start of this I said I would be back to talk about my thoughts and feelings and how I was ahead of my time concerning the topic of suicide? Well here goes my point of view.
First again, let me start by saying that right after the "event", for probably close to 2 months, I was so depressed, distraught, devastated and overwhelmed just to name a few, not to mention scared, exhausted, in a serious case of actual medical shock, also most of the time in a constant state of panic, to the point I shook often, just shook. I was so bad that sometimes I would actually wake up curled up in someplace dark and in a corner, someplace where I could feel somewhat secure because I knew three sides of me were protected, only leaving the side exposed. And that's what I was feeling on my better days. I will openly admit that at times, during the darkest of nights, and even the brightest of days I was so frightened and unsure that I couldn't see or even know what the next day would bring, the next hour, or even the next minute. Everything in my life was spinning out of control and I had absolutely no way of controlling it, much less stopping it from continuing to happen, much less stop it from happening. There were a few times when I had actually thought to myself, 'I just can't do this anymore, I'm not strong enough to handle it. There were a few times during my worst panic attacks when I was having severe labored breathing that maybe having a massive stroke wasn't such a bad idea. And there were a few days I prayed when I went to sleep that maybe I would get lucky and just never wake up. There were a few times when I was driving home from work late at night that I wondered if I drove off the side of the road into the river if it would be high enough, or the water deep enough to take care of it all.
Lucky for me, the thoughts were sporadic, random, those kinds of thought were not all consuming. Also lucky for me was the fact that I wasn't facing this monster alone. Doc was facing it right beside me, and together we stood by each others side, and we stood strong. On the days I was having those sorts of thoughts, he was strong enough to lead me fore ward, and on the days he was having those same thoughts, I took the lead and guided him through until we both again were able to stand again as a wall of strength, and together we kept going, facing each issue head on, and with each issue we conquered together the stronger we both became, both separately and together.
So yes, I have been to the dark place on more than one occasion. But getting back to my theory here. As I mentioned, having done and continue to do most if not all of my CEU's in psych, not that doing so makes me a shrink, just cements the point I will eventually get to here is that, there is no such thing as "being suicidal", not really. It's like saying you are kind of pregnant, you either are or you are not.
According to statistics, and I can't quote you the figures right off the top of my head at this hour, but statistically speaking, most people who have committed suicide have had no previous warning signs, they didn't talk about it to people, didn't discuss their feelings with anyone. Those who want to really do it actually do it, and usually do it right the first time.
Those same statistics also point out that people who openly talk about it are doing just that, talking. The term "suicidal" has basically been given a new definition in the psychiatric community as well as the medical community. The new definition is now called, "attention seeking behavior". Mostly in part because people who openly talk about it want others to dote on them, baby them, coo over them...."oh, what's wrong sweetheart, come on, it's going to be okay", and so forth and so on.
Now, there are exceptions for everything and this is no different, it's called the human factor. But statistics don't lie, facts are facts. I had a friend who used to pull the "I'm going to commit suicide" card every time he and my best friend got into a serious fight. After about the third time, and this time he actually had a professional chef's knife up on his wrist as he was blurting out those same words, I finally walked up to him and I said, "Chris listen, if you want to kill yourself by all means do so. First of all, don't hold the knife on your wrist across it, go up and down, at least do it right. We don't have all day, if you are going to do it hurry up. If you aren't going to do it then stop threatening to do it." He called me a few names and put the knife down. As will most people threatening the same. They want people to feel sorry for them, they want or need to feel loved and that someone wants them to remain alive, they crave the attention, thus making it attention seeking behavior. Because again, if someone is really serious about it, they don't want others to know because they don't want to risk the chance of someone stopping them from following through with their plans.
Think about it. Go get the help you need upstairs first, then worry about your other issues downstairs later.
Mashie.