Pain and safe words

Seems like whenever I get to sub for someone that uses safe words I always regret useing one too soon and I wish the person inflicting pain would make me take more if that makes any sence.

How do you work that out?

Ask your dominant if he/she would allow you to rescind your safe word.

You might have to accept a severe punishment for prematurely using your safeword, but you might get to resume play.

Firstly I need to say that no one has ever decided to not to start an examination, terminate a meeting early, or EVER needed to use the safe word - which for me is 'STOP'

That being said I've never considered that the safe word is a signal to pack up and go home. It is a signal that whatever is happening has to STOP, immediately!

Whether its decided to carry on, modify play, try something new or indeed to pack up and go home is surely a matter for discussion. And what if the word is used accidentally?

Seems like whenever I get to sub for someone that uses safe words I always regret useing one too soon and I wish the person inflicting pain would make me take more if that makes any sence. How do you work that out?

Well phil55w, how you work that one out is between you and your Top. If you are to have a Safe Word that stops everything for that session then you need to consider when you should use it. Its probably good that your Top has responded to it previously because you should be able to take your pain to your absolute limit before using the Safe Word and know it will stop immediately.

If however you view a Safe Word as I do, which is that it's a guaranteed STOP and may result in discussion without pressure and an agreed continuance, then that is probably the best solution.

I hate to say it, but "STOP" is probably the worst possible safeword. Ask anybody in S&M. Often, especially in a moderate to severe scene, the submissive in the throws of ecstasy, will say "stop" and stop DOES NOT MEAN STOP. There are counteless instances where the dominant was yelled at by the submissive for stopping.

In a very severe scene, the dominant might ask how the submissive is doing if there is any question, and this is good because there are times where the submissive wonders off into subspace and may become non-communicative and taking more than they might want if they were more conscious.

For a medfet exam, saying "stop" might work, but it won't work in an S&M scene.

Usually, in S&M, saying the safeword terminates play for the day. This is because gratuitious use of a safeword is looked down upon. We dominants don't want our submissives saying a safeword and stoppping us from our activities only to start up again.

Probably the most common use of safewords is the "traffic light" model. "Green" means everything is fine or you want more punishment, "Yellow" might mean you're suffering a bit (which is what you want) and slow down a bit, and "red" means stop.

Well, over 23 years, the Safe Word still has to be tested - but you're right in that I only employ it in the medfet arena.

The reason it's STOP is that it is easy to remember, surely a benefit - and it equates to your 'Red' too, Susie.

In medfet, green would be signified by pleasurable grunts and yellow by a little wincing.

But nothing will compare to the Safe Word I was given by a Mistress once. It got very hairy and I desperately wanted it to end. I said 'No', 'Stop' 'Hells Bells' and everything else I could think of - but the only Safe Word she would respond to escaped me.

'Tabitha'

How was I supposed to remember the name of her pussy?????

Your mistress was not being reasonable. I explained why "stop" wasn't a good safeword.

The safeword should be one you would both easily remember.

That's why the seemingly simplistic, even cliche "traffic light" model works well.

Have you heard the riddle "Why did Jesus die on the cross?" -- "Because he forgot the safeword."

The safeword should be clear and easy to utilize.

I totally agree susie, stop does not work in BDSM and I would never use it; the traffic light does work and work nicely!!

As a Top it just makes me cringe when I see people new to BDSM and say that they dont have a safe word or dont need one. Id never play with those people. They arent safe. susie has the right of it, as did Kinkster. communication is everything. I couldnt imagine even doing another scene with another person without talking about safewords, any health issues etc etc. Its not sexy, but it helps keep things moderitly safe in a very dangerous lifestyle if people arent careful.

My wife and I have been playing for over 15 years now and even she has a safe word. she's never used it, in all that time. Im pretty good at ready her body language now but its still there just in case. she will use "yellow" like the traffic lights if things are getting too heavy for her (im a sadist 😃 ) I slow down a little and we carry on.

you should never ever feel bad about using a safe word. If you dont think you can carry on or get scared in the bad way use it. Ive mentored lots of new people to the lifestyle and I usually tell them about the stop light method until they find a safe word they are comfortable with.

It should NEVER be a common word that could be used in casusal conversation or during a scene it has to be distinct enough that its out of place and stands out. my wifes safe word is plasma, but when she thinks its getting too hard and needs to take a breath she whsipers discreatly to me "yellow"

If you ever scene with someone as a bottom and they dont ask about a safe word, bring it up. You arent wrecking the mode, you are being responsable. If your a Top do the same.

I use colors, green = go, yellow = slow, and red= stop

My Dom uses green, yellow, red, but yellow will stop the present activity and red will end the session. She insists on reviewing safe words and agreeing on their use before the session starts. This is non-negotiable. I said "yellow" once, to end a very hard hairbrush spanking but that's it.

Can't go wrong with the stop light approach or a dual-word approach

I have never liked safe words during play because I find that they can get in the way of having fun.

For a woman who is new to the kink it is easier for her to not have to worry about a safe word and trying to keep it in mind while she is supposed to be having the time of her life and getting into the moment.

Instead I came up with safe snap. Just make sure my playmate can snap her fingers should she want something to stop, as things get more intense I remind her that she can snap her fingers at any time.

Since I do enjoy spanking pussy let me offer this example.

Using the safe snap allows her to get into begging for whatever it is to stop and say things like please don’t whip my pussy anymore, and oh it hurts, etc.

Think about it. “Oh it stings, is my pussy getting red?” (RED). Ops.

There are many ways of stopping a scene without words. I use words as mental simulation which sounds like she’s in real big trouble and I am going to toss her a real beating that will leave her pussy red, raw, and sore for days.

But that’s just me.

Whatever you choose for your show stopper, just be sure to play safe.

I always have 2 safe words, alpha and omega, not words I am likely to "accidentally" say. It is far better if your partner knows you, your limitations and your body language but sadly that is not always the case.

Safe words are always debate able some people trust their partner others are never sure of their limits. I rarely use them as i have complete faith but some of our other patients prefer them for safety. its a matter of choice

I think safe words are useful in some situations. I have allowed the use of three words at times. One word say yellow for example is to slow things down if the sub feels they are having difficulty maintaining, Another word we'll use green for this one, would mean that the sub has gotten a handle on his/her self and is ready to return to full intensity of play and the third word, say red would stop play all together. Although I believe it is important for the submissive to push his/her limits, I believe it is just as important to do it in such a manner that gives the submissive some control of how far they push. Safe words are easy to use prematurely and that is why I have a word to return to full intensity play. The important thing here is that the submissive MUST be willing and have the desire to push their own limits even though they have the ability to stop the scene or you will still get no where.

My safe word is "Orange"...never had a need to use it :+)

Stop being a wimp! lol, jk. you change your safe word every time so that you have to consider it before you go blurting out :"teady bear"

While i don't have a lot of experience, we have been using the traffic light model also- it woks for me, because it allows me to control the pace a bit- when i yellow, He moves to a different body part or slows. Green is a blessing- play can pick up again or it can cue Him that i'm really loving it & He can just let go.... i hate to Red out. Hate it... but when He spanks my inner thighs hard & fast in the same spot with that damn wooden spatula, it'll happen every time, QUICK too. But i figure i'm not really THAT wimpy if the bruises there last 3 days or more. To me, that's proof that it really was too much, too much, too much

@Anya, you say you don't have a lot of experience. There is absolutely nothing wrong with using your safe word, and there is no such thing as being wimpy at all. You should be able to sit down and discuss your feelings and state, "Spanking my inner thighs is a hard limit for me, so please respect that".

The goal of a D/s relationship isn't how many bruises you get or how long they last. You have every right to safe play. The femoral nerve and artery start within the pelvis and branch out towards the inner knee. This area is extremely sensitive and can be damaged. Just because a Dom, Master, or Mistress/Domme states they have "X" amount of years of experience doesn't mean that they have actually studied the human body and any damage that they might cause. You are still learning, evolving, exploring, and hopefully reading all about BDSM (No not 50 Shades of Grey, that's not accurate).

Please be careful. Btw, how does your Master know you "a sub with slave tendencies'? (I read one of your other comments in another post). Is this His wish for you to be this just because he said so? If you are unsure and still learning, don't allow anyone to manipulate you into being or doing anything that really makes you feel very uncomfortable. Good Luck, and I wish the very best for you in your ongoing journey.

Doc and I have a safe word, get this, it's stop, lol. Creative folks aren't we? Hehehe. I agree with sourmise that in a Dom/sub relationship where there is a real and true relationship a safe word really never has to be used. Each one should know the others body language well enough. However things happen sometimes and safe words are needed, or at least one needs to be established.

For example, Doc and I both use the word stop, and if we use it during a session then everything at that moment will stop and the session will be over. Again, we have NEVER had to use our safe word, well once he did, but that's a whole different story. The closest he ever got beside this other time was I believe the last time we got together. I got a new paddle, a plain simple rubber grippie ping pong paddle. I had never used this toy before and didn't know how it would feel. So I smacked him once and he gave me this look. Then I smacked him again and he said in a pretty deep doctors voice actually, which is what made me know he wasn't kidding, that that paddle really hurt and not in a good way. While most Dom's would not have put up with that kind of back talk, I do when it comes to new toys. But it was my lacking in ability and knowledge with that toy and that was not his fault. I continued to use it but he did after a few more swats start huffing and puffing. He really doesn't want me to use that toy again, but honestly, you sure bet his sweet cute little ass I am going to use it again, as a matter of fact I can't wait. Besides that, he's got a few good ones coming to him anyway which are not meant to be fun, he will pay and that is just the paddle I'm going to use whether he wants me to, or likes me to or not. He has one coming for something that he did that was so very wrong in fact that I will probably gag his mouth, put his ass over at least one, and maybe both of my wedges then tie him to my 4 pount restraints on the bed so he can't use his safe word and he cant wiggle out of getting the punishment he so justly deserves.

It's these kinds of spanking I don't really like to give. It's like spanking one of your kids, and it will probably hurt me more than it will hurt him, at least mentally speaking. Actually it will probably be me who's crying by the end of his spanking rather than him. Then we will need some good recovery time for both of us. But the great things about giving this kind of spanking is that once the spanking is over it's over and so is the crime. I can start healing from this and finally be able to put it away. But spaking him hard over the things that caused me pain or hurt is something that he expects and probably wants. Doing things this way allows instant forgiveness for both parties involved, so it can finally be dealt with and settled, never to be brought up again. Although to be honest, after his spanking on this matter, I am quite sure he will never do it again. And in the off chance he does it again, he will get it again only harder, but the first one will have already been forgiven.

Mashie

Sometimes the sub doesn't show how they are affected. Good communication between the Master and sub is always advisable. Maybe something that is being done triggers a reaction whether physical or mental. You need to make sure there is that one way to have play stop if things get to the point a safe word is needed and used.

I feel safe words are a waste of time, surely the Master can see when he needs to stop. Most subs and slave love pain, and would like to go on more

Spoken like a true novice. You have no idea how much physical injury a dominant can do in the heat of the moment or a submissive will accept.

Anyone who isn't using a safeword with S&M is either doing lightweight stuff where you don't need one or is just stupid. That goes for the tops and the bottoms.

There is real danger involved and the potential for severe bodily injury and there has to be a way for the submissive to instruct the dominant stop. Dominants can get carried away and do things with intensity that they are not aware they are doing.

Sometimes you hit a "button" both didn't know before and the bottom has to leave "subspace" immedeately to prevent soul damage!

NEVER PLAY WITHOUT SAFEWORD! IT'S A NO GO!!

My view is that you should have a safeword(s) for playdoc scenarios too. Whilst probably not as intense as S&M it can still have its limitations for some. In real life we dont think twice about telling someone to stop/slow down etc if we feel uncomfortable with the situation so why should we put ourselves at risk with the harm/pain it may entail. I have never had need to use a safe word as some of my "threats" and the consequences of those are well understood lol.

I will admit that Doc and I really have not had to use our safe words either as I mentioned above, and I believe it's because we know each other very very well and know what each others limits are and exactly how much we can push them. However, Susie made an excellent point as she usually does, and I believe she's right here as well when she says that it could be that maybe these types of folks are not playing hard core. I know what Doc and I do as far as S and M would be considered on the softer side, but what we used to do on the medical side not quite as soft for sure. I think we would have been more apt to use a safe word doing medical things than we ever would have been with S and M things, but that's just us. And maybe it's different for everyone?

Mashie

The never ending debate on safe words and their usage....

First and foremost, people need to recognize that this is an individual choice thing, you know that concept of don't judge other people, let them live their own lives, make their own mistakes etc etc.... comments like "they are stupid" is just well uncalled for....

Now my take on it. For the most part I don't use safe words, just plain old communication. Most of my play is consensual non con consent and with folks I know. We are comfortable with simple communication and the knowledge that I will have the last say on things.

Most of the folks I play with like that full surrender or helpless feeling so this works for us, it may not work for all.

As to the OP, I think playing with people you know well and have played with you before may give you an opportunity to play without a safeword and allow them to push you a bit, this of course has it's risks. As long as you both understand the risks, are OK with them and most importantly have a strong enough relationship to be able to sit down and discuss things when they go wrong you should do OK.

Another option is to use multiple safe words to communicate where you are, -- again why not just use straight communication. "This really hurts, not sure I can take a lot more but I want you to push me..." This communicates where you are both physically and psychologically in the scene.... a good Top should now what to do from there...

I like my sub to use two safe words..."yellow" means stop what your doing but keep playing by doing something else and "red" means stop everything.

My safe word is "red light". If the sub uses it all play immediately stops and will not resume until another day.

I like using red to stop, yellow to ease up and I also use standby to signal come talk to me. ie I am to hot/cold, hungry.

I believe that your submissive should have a safe word like red of red light but normal communication should take care of just about any situation. I would add that if a sub finds it necessary to use their safe word then there has been a failure of communication or training on the part of the Top. Just thinking out loud age play might be an exception where a safe word might be a good idea and if a gag is being use I believe the sub should always have a dead drop.