Yeah, hmmm. This topic evokes all sorts of response in me.
Won't rehash my whole story here (it's all over Zity, on my profile too i think). The short version is i married a woman as a gay guy (religious conditioning against being gay). She was pretty strait laced, but i learned early on how to give her multiple orgasms using oral. my mouth, tongue and fingers eventually migrated south. Her verbal response was reluctance/tolerance for rimming and fingering (never went as far as fucking), but her physical response told another story (hey Mikey, she likes it). For me, sex with a woman was all about the pleasure i could give her... we were both bottoms with some sub thrown in, so i think it nurtured my bottom/sub side cause she'd go pretty wild. The visual and sensation of it for me was pretty much zero, but her response fueled something in me.
Divorced in 2008 and have been living solely as a gay bottom since then. my perception as a gay bottom with sub is that Tops penetrate, bottoms are penetrated. For me, the extends to rimming. To complicate that personal wiring (it's not something i apply universally, it's just me), a Mans ass is my biggest visual draw, i can gawk for hours looking at Mens asses. i love to touch, maul, but not penetrate or rim.
Butt...
i have this Fuck Buddy and we have been getting together for close to 4 years now. He defies my 'wiring' in several ways. He's built like a line backer, a solid piece of well defined muscle (body builder), hairy all over, and more recently a beard. Those are all opposite of what i usually am attracted to, skinny, smooth, shaved face. But He's Top and loves to breed me. i was really clear from the start that i am total bottom, that i don't get my penis sucked, i don't rim or fuck. Yet... we have a really good connection emotionally. i have a great deal of affection for Him. He's Bi and young, i'm pretty sure i'm the only guy He's been with.
When He asked if He could suck me a year ago, i acquiesced. Turns out He really likes doing that and it's become part of our foreplay. i think i have been able to work with Him because in 4 years of sex 2-3x a week, He has never once caused me to orgasm. i'm not sure if it's because He really understands me or if He just doesn't want to (i've tried talking to Him about it, He's reticent). That's the primary thing with my bottom wiring, that my Mate controls and restricts my orgasm (using my penis). Sexually, for me, my penis strikes me as more like a clitoris than a penis... i.e., it's there to facilitate me wanting/needing penetration, not there for penetrating.
Eventually, He wanted me to suck Him as well, and has really enjoyed it. He's normally very quiet and unexpressive, but when my mouth is on Him, He gets very verbally expressive. He so obviously enjoys what i am doing, constantly telling me and gently coaching me. He taps into the sub part of me and He gets me in the zone and keeps me there until He is ready to fuck.
The last 3 months or so His pleasure and response has gotten my mouth to pretty much pleasure Him everywhere between His knees and navel, and now He regularly turns over and wants me to rim Him. It's a strange experience for me. If not for His obvious pleasure and verbal response, i don't think i'd be able to do it. But the combination of me visually being turned on by His perfect ass and thighs and His verbally expressed pleasure, again gets and keeps me in the sub zone.
It doesn't feel like work or a sacrifice to me, i'm totally happy giving Him that pleasure. It's not like i have changed or that when i am visually attracted to Mens asses that i now want to rim them. I don't. It's like He found a side door in me where we are both getting something we want/need. It is all foreplay. In four years the only orgasm He ever has is from fucking me, so i think that is a big part of it working for me.