Telephone Answer

I have been bothered by tele-marketers lately and one in particular.

Today he called and I answered with, Mike McGinn's mortuary, enema

parlor and hamburger stand. May we serve You?"

I wonder if he will call again?

One of the big mistakes my late wife ever made was to actually buy something from a telemarketer. Soon there were MANY such calls. After she passed, I started answering these calls with a string of profanities. It worked on 95% of them. LOL. Walt

Great Idea I will have to do the same maybe the telemarketers will stop bothering me my wife loves thing that she can buy and phones things in and Man do we get the phone calls what a great and funny why to play >😄

I've learned to waste as much of their time as possible. Then I blow a whistle

in the phone and ask them not to call me again.

The website to register is www.donotcall.gov It takes like two days, but it works, I registered mine some years ago, and didn't receive a single call since then! Of course, k2mmw's idea was priceless!

That was a good one k2mmw, karma for you.........

One guy called a friend who is a renowned musician. The mother answered the phone saying,

"He can't come to the phone right now. I'm giving him an enema."

Get on the do not call list!

Since they typically start off with something below asinine, look at your caller ID, and if it isn't someone you know, answer with "Stupid questions department, can I help you?" Which is, in and of itself a stupid question. If they persist, say, "You want arcane concepts, can you hold please?" and quietly hang up.

If they have the audacity to call back, let them hit voice mail. That's what it's for!

www.whocalles.us can help ID those you are seriously thinking about reporting to the legal authorities. Also, call blocking is a useful feature, but use it carefully, the number displayed may not b e the number they're calling from!

Thanks all. Great ideas

I tell them to hang on please while I put a cigarette out. I don't return. Let them waste 5 minutes waiting.

I get them from wal mart asking about returns and hair salon .i will make shure that they can bring back returns with out any problems and when asked if they can make hair apointments with a special persom she is always there when they call .Then just hang up

Most of the time I'll just answer the call but won't say anything. But if I'm playing Halo on the computer, I put the phone up against the speaker so the caller hears bombs exploding guns firing and people grunting. They don't hear me holding back my laughter.

I answer the call and when they're listening I ask “did Jim put you up to this”? answer “no sir' I'm calling about…” I then ask “is this an obscene phone call”? answer “no sir” my next question is “Would you like to make it one”? Always leaves them sputtering!

The website to register is www.donotcall.gov It takes like two days, but it works, I registered mine some years ago, and didn't receive a single call since then! Of course, k2mmw's idea was priceless!

Ah how I yearn for simpler times when this actually worked. Now it's just robots halfway around the world that give zero fucks about spam laws. You can't even get A human on the line to fuck with half the time anymore.

I was getting so many of these calls ... I kid you not up to 50 or 60 a day. All of them scammers trying to sell or get me to sign up for some such health care thing or other. I found a guy that has a youtube channel that he documents him busting scammers. From watching him I found what cities the calls were coming from, the names of many of their boss's, what floor their on and some other good stuff.

When I would get a call I would interrupt them and ask for their boss by name, ask them if they are on such n such floor… Just give them crap like they are so bad at their job as a scammer I would have never hired them in the first place.

I got to like messing with them. I got so many of them so pissed at me they started cussing, It was funny. I began to eagerly wait for them to call. But now I've pissed so many of them off they don't call any more.

I occasionally get calls from telemarketers and/or “supposed” IRS agents. My comeback is “If you call me again I will come through this phone, rip your head off and shit down your throat”. It gets some interesting responses!

One I use is to answer “KRAK Radio. Caller number five, you're on the air”. Works pretty good.

But I've never heard one I like better than this masterpiece by Tom Mabe . . .

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qq8MbttjZ3Y

You all should know that there are already at least two other threads that discuss how to respond to telemarketers:

Jokes and humor | Having fun with Telemarketers… (zity.biz)

and

The Parlor | Annoying phone calls... 1/1 (zity.biz)

A couple of my favorite responses to unsolicited calls are:

If they call and ask for me by my first name (let's say George), I ask them which George would they like to speak with as there are six Georges here at different extensions. I then explain that this is a business number and ask them to not call again. BTW they never have a last name.

When I answer and they say that "this is so & so on a recorded line", I immediately ask them “what is the name and address of the target, what will be your form of payment, and what is your agency authorization code?” When they say anything else, I explain that this is the phone number for Wetwork Incorporated, and we are sanctioned by the Federal Government to perform termination with extreme prejudice services for a fee. I again ask the caller for the name and address of the target . . . at which point I normally hear a “click”.

I am sure that most of you have received a package with those little air-filled plastic bags used for packing material. I keep a few of these next to my phone and when the call comes in, I will normally let them go into their scripted scam sales speech. A minute or two later I will turn away from the phone and say something like “Honey, this is not my ex-girlfriend . . . Honey put the gun down . . . then I pop a couple of the plastic air-filled bags and drop the phone and moan. The caller usually hangs up immediately. I keep hoping that they will call and make a report to the police. If they do, then I have a record of who they are so I can turn their identity over to my attorney so he can bring a suit against them for violating the ”Do Not Call" registry.

One I use is to answer “KRAK Radio. Caller number five, you're on the air”. Works pretty good.

But I've never heard one I like better than this masterpiece by Tom Mabe . . .

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qq8MbttjZ3Y

@LDB. That was absolutely hilarious!!!!! 😄 Best response I've ever heard! Thank you!!!

Https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qq8MbttjZ3Y

Yes it was!!! LMFAO 😁

"Arcane Concepts Department. How can I help you?"

This is Arcane Concepts. You need Stupid Questions. Hold Please!"

Put them on hold and let them go away!

@mike45 and @Rigel , Very good finds, I haven't tried that one yet. At first I used scambusters found on youtube to find the country {India}, city {Kandahar or Punjab district 5} , and building where most if not all the scammers were calling from and when they called I would ask them to stay on the line as I was tracking the call back to them. Then as that got old I would just tell them that I Identified them as a scammer before they said their third word and how could they be so bad at their job that I had them down so fast ? How could they even get hired as a scammer if they were so bad at it ? That they were so bad at it that I want to speak to their boss and that I'm going to get them fired .

But the crime scene thing .... That is genius, I can't wait to try that one !

I posted about this before. Like many of us , it is very likely you’ll get a number of calls for a variety of things. It can be annoying or as in this case awkward but we’ll dealt with.

On this occasion during a home visit while my caregiver was checking my vital signs (temperature) prior to giving me a coffee enema for a liver detox , my phone rang. My caregiver answered. We agreed if someone called she could answer.

“I’m sorry!, she said. “He’s not able to speak to you right now!”

Why!!??” She said, her voice raised.

What she said to the caller, a female, who was apparently insistent on talking to me, definitely got my attention and the caller’s as well!

“ I told you he can’t talk right now. He’s in bed, and,,with a well placed rectal thermometer stuck up his behind, having his temperature taken.! And after that, he’ll still be in bed for at least thirty minutes with an enema nozzle also stuck up his behind while I give him his enema for 15 minutes, then he’ll have to retain it for another fifteen! Call back then!!”

Putting my phone down,,she remarked, “‘She hung up abruptly . Not likely to call back”.

She pulled the thermometer out, said my temperature was normal. Soon after she began administering the enema.

I like to string 'em along for a while, then let slip the insults.

I even Googled "Indian swear words" to use for the occasion.