Domination and Humiliation

To me this is a fascinating and complex topic. i know i don't completely understand the appeal that being Dommed or humiliated has for me. It's not a simple phenomena for me.

As best as i can see, it has something to do with intensity of desire and connection between me and the Dom. I.e., the act, whatever it might be, is both intensely appealing to both of us when it occurs. As an example: i was with a Dom guy and He was coaching me while i was sucking His substantial cock. The way He was talking to me was almost like He was talking to a kid, saying things like "Good Boy!!" when i accomplished what He was wanting. His manner and my response embarrassed the fuck out of me, but simultaneously thrilled me so deeply that all i wanted to do was please Him and try harder.

I guess I have always known I am not pure submissive material for some dominant and this confirms it for me. Embarrassment maybe, but I am not into being humiliated and just because a dom needs that from me. I need to be able to provide input into the scene and I would hope for a strong leader yes, but not a dom who could be in it just for himself. I feel at my best when I can use both my brain and my body and my sense is that many turn off their own brains in the process of submission. I'm not sure what that makes me??

I feel at my best when I can use both my brain and my body and my sense is that many turn off their own brains in the process of submission.

i have seen this too, and also seen this type of submission expected by some who identify as Dom. i've come to see D/s in two distinct categories, with endless variations in between? On the one hand i have witnessed D/s folk who on the Dom side expect submission without question and from the sub side pretty much the same.

On the other hand (and this is the category where i find myself), i have seen and experienced D/s as almost the opposite. I.e., submission is an act of being intensely engaged cerebrally and choosing to submit to another on the part of the sub, while the Dom role is not one of bullying, but so thoroughly learning and knowing the person who would submit that are effectively keys to evoking that submission.

I believe the 2 do go hand in hand as to the degree of humiliation that would be up to the people involved as I imagine everyone is different when it comes to humiliation

I'm new to all this. I play with a couple that definitely dominates me, but there are no set rules. Does that mean I am into D & S, or do we just roleplay?

After reading this and seeing what others consider humiliation, definitely NO. I would never tolerate being berated or belittled, in public or otherwise.

Being told to go to the bathroom and take off my panties while in public or to forego wearing a bra all day, that is fun. Fairly mild stuff for this forum.

MarshaG

I play with a couple that definitely dominates me, but there are no set rules. Does that mean I am into D & S, or do we just roleplay?

I've said it before I am a lightweight when it comes to BDSM. In my opinion, if you are being willingly being dominated you are into D&S. Role-play is simply a forum or a stage for it. Others may have more/better thoughts on this.

After reading this and seeing what others consider humiliation, definitely NO. I would never tolerate being berated or belittled, in public or otherwise.

There was another thread that talked about "embarrassment" vs "humiliation". Sometimes there is a fine line between the two - what might be embarrassing for one is humiliating to another. Play within your comfort level!!

I was in a female led marriage for over 40 years. I was certainly submissive but I must say she never "humiliated" me. There were times i was embarrassed such as masturbating in front of her friends. But even though I was embarrassed I was incredibly aroused. I don't think that qualifies as humiliation and I would be interested in what others think. Peace.

V interesting thread. In my view it completely depends on the individuals definition of humiliation......and it does seem to differ quite a lot. For me personally, humiliation is something I feel (as in I feel humiliated), and is very similar to what many describe as embarrasment here. For example, I find it a very humiliating experience to expose myself under the command of another, or when i am exposed by the other through the removal of my underpants. This humiliation (for me) is greater when in a group setting, eg when I am on the receiving end of group stripsearch......my body and genitals being exposed and then compared unfavourably in front of others who are better endowed or have 'better' bodies.

I do accept that many would see this as embarrasment, although for me it is humiliation.......hence my point that its all in how the individual experiences it

Many make a good distinction between embarrassment and humiliation. To be embarrassed is to be caught with your pants down, so to speak: exposed in an unexpected way and to feel that sense of exposure. To be humiliated is to be reduced in size, so to speak: reduced to an inferior state of being.

I can find both erotic but some feel humiliation is demeaning and objectifying. It can be. I would not disparage a person for things they can't control about appearance, eg. unless clearly agreed to and even then I feel a bit embarrassed doing it! I worry they will feel belittled in a way that lingers whereas we get over embarrassment pretty easily... usually.

Happy2bhere said:

I feel a bit embarrassed doing it! I worry they will feel belittled in a way that lingers whereas we get over embarrassment pretty easily... usually.

I agree with you on this one. Humiliation play should be carefully done because it could do some damage. It is very personal and some people might not take it lightly. Both have to agree beforehand what will happen in play and hard limits should be agreed.

I have never had any experience in DS and I would like it though. I myself usually feel emberrased or bad if I make someone emberrased and I never humiliate anyone but in play time I would like giving it a try.

Not at all. Each relationship is different. There are no absolutes in BDSM.

No, I don't think this is true at all. It can be an element of the dominant relationship that someone shares with you but it definitely doesn't *have* to be. Every dynamic is different as is what each individual is comfortable with or interested in. It's up to ones' personal discretion.

I find this a complex question, and like others, think it has the element of individuality.

It took me a long time to realize i have a sub nature and i think that is largely due to how it is manifest. i experienced a lot of bullying growing up and to this day have an almost violent aversion to bullies and bullying.

It wasn't till the last few years that i was able to connect much of my bullying experience as a kid to the fact that i had a sub nature even as a kid that seemed to naturally attract kids with dom natures. When i look back at experiences that happened even as young as 6 or 7 years old, i can see how those experiences could have been early D/s experiences. Unsophisticated and ignorant kids exercising and discovering who and how they are. Nowadays, i see bullies as immature people who haven't figured out more intricate ways of Dominating (note: i'm not stating that as an absolute 'truth,' just my point of view).

The most powerful Dom i've ever experienced seemed to both humiliate and embarrass me but there was never an ounce of bullying employed. He was teaching me how to perform oral on Him in an awkward and difficult way. He never forced me and was extremely patient, though persistent. His method was completely encouraging. The embarrassment/humiliation part was how He addressed me. He spoke to me continuously and encouragingly, almost like He was teaching a child or a puppy how to do something. His attitude was really over the top. When i'd do something He the way He was instructing and liked, He'd literally gush: "Good boy!!! I'm so proud of you, aren't you proud?" i could feel my face go red with embarrassment, and strangely, pride.

He nailed it, and He knew it and it was sort of humiliating to be under His power that way, but the key (for me) was His total affection. We both knew He was totally Domming me, but His affectionate way totally opened me up and the end result was He evoked adoration in me for Him. Adoration is not something i have felt with anyone else, but He managed to elicit that response, and the thought and feel of it is both intoxicating and embarrassing, maybe humiliating?

I find that certain aspects of the bdsm lifestyle may require an almost yin yang relationship, usually one is stronger in the preference for one or the other you are either more comfortable in the role of the master or the submissive but rarely both. In order to make the relationship work it has to be a give and take and each gets what the other needs in different ways. I am certainly no expert in the subject in fact I have very little direct experience but just an observation I know there those out who switch roles but usually they have a preference for one over the other. I am curious how many actually enjoy them equally and what about your partner, how do you decide when to step into each role is it based on scenario mood or perhaps your partner in that moment. I am just trying to discover about the lifestyle please feel free to share with one who is quite open minded adventurous and loves to learn😃 Cheers

I don't think they have to go hand in hand. I would truly enjoy, even want, being dominated so far as a sexual relationship was involved. As long as our activities were private, no matter what was done to me as a sub I don't think I'd feel humiliated. I'd love to be made to drink my domme's pee, have her peg me, fist me, let her smother me with my wet diapers, etc. Of course, doing any of that in front of another person then becomes humiliation and I'm not up to that unless it were a 3rd sexual partner we BOTH wanted involved.

English not being my first language I may sometimes get humiliation and embarrassment mixed up. I enjoy both. But would not ho down the route of degradation.

Description of how my body responds to certain acts, words or scenario can be both. If I am forced to describe how my nipples become harder, how I need to concentrate on keeping my breathing even so as not to let my husband know I am on zity, etc I find embarrassing but being made to do so i chatroom I find humiliating

I'm a 68 year old long term diehard switch who loves being dominated by a trusted Domme (IRL exGFs) with a good deal of embarrassment and humiliation mixed in as she gives me large long-held D/s enemas as we both simultaneously enjoy my utter submission and her domination. Now we'd still both enjoy it physically and sexually if we just did the same enema/sex scenario mixed in with all my other kinks (rubber, sneakers, bondage) as sexual equals without being Domme and sub, but the addition of the Domme and sub dynamic (including embarrassment and humiliation) makes the kink and enemas much more intense and satisfying for both of us.

The unspoken caveat for us here is we utterly trust each other to be exciting and sexual, but keep the domination, submission, embarrassment and humiliation strictly to ourselves. In fact, she sometimes would use that necessary secrecy to her Domme advantage. She would never tell anyone else about our D/s sex life, but occasionally she would verbally threaten me with revealing our secrets to someone as a ploy to demand I do whatever submissive act she wants me to do next. And it worked! Real life humiliation is for me extremely unpleasant and assiduously avoided if possible. But being with her, we can both enjoy my being as kinky and embarrassed or humiliated as we like and both love it. I've only ever met a handful of women who became GF's or wives (now exes) who I would trust to do this with me, but when I find someone, it can be really spectacular. During our D/s times, this involves a large amount of my being very vocal to her in reacting to what she does and says and her narrating the whole time both to maximize my submission to her domination. Win-win.

Eric

Yes the more Humiliating she makes me the more submissive she makes me

That is the whole point of feminizing me,,,,,,the most Humiliating this I am forced to do is eating my cum

As I’m being milked of having me pleasuring myself to orgasm,,,she will talk to me about what she is having me do

That real men don’t eat cum,,,girls do ,,,and because I’m a girl I must...telling me this makes me feel so Humiliated and as I’m eating the cum she will tell me what a cum slut that I am and that I have cum breath

I do think it goes hand in hand. I would love to be dominated and humiliated at someone else's hands.

Humiliation is for me, to be surprised by someone else's action the way dominations tactics are. You have no control of things to be done to me !

For me personally both things don`t have to go hand in hand. During play I really like to be dominated - I could even say that I love to be dominated, but humiliation is a real turn-off for me, never have had enjoyed the idea about feeling humiliated. For me domination and humiliation are two totally different things.

I agree with @RestrainedPatient about saying that humiliation and domination are two different things. You don't need to be dominated AND humiliated to be submissive. Humiliation is something you can add to domination if it's your kink and if the sub is consent. Honestly being humiliated isn't something I really appreciate as a sub.

I recently had a sort of epiphany about my desire/need for what i have come to call "affectionate humiliation." For me, there is no turn on if a Top is just being rough or superior, mean, trying to humiliate me in a hurtful way.

What i realized is the "affectionate" is in part my seeing a need or desire in my Dom/Top for the thing He is targeting. E.g., i have had Tops who did or said things to feminize me where it was obviously something they wanted/needed in me, but at the same time, it was something they either saw in me or managed to expose. The other part of "affection" was Their need/desire was affirming, and i think that is where the deep arousal in me may come from.

i think the "humiliation' part comes from being conditioned by culture, etc., to feel shame about those parts of me that i've subsequently buried, sometimes so deeply i'm not aware of them. Those end up being profound power points when a Top/Dom latches on and exposes them.

The overall effect is to simultaneously be deeply aroused, affirmed and 'humiliated,' but the humilliation is not from the Top/Dom, it is exposed (and affirmed) by His "affectionate" need/desire for those things in me.

I would differentiate humiliation with degradation. As a sub a bit of humiliation - for example the act of watching as you expell an enema or standing naked after a spanking - are turn on for me.

Being humiliated as in being called names, or degraded to a thing... Then no. That is a turn off for me.

A caring dom is the best. Stern yet caring. There must be a balance. A spanking just for the sake of hurting is a big no for me. A spanking... To correct my behavior and to turn me on for me.

Example to try and deliver my point: I work a lot. Literally to exhaustion... A firm dom that would make me rest... Even force me to, with his words, his hands.. Would make my knees weak and myself wet...

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@SubOllie I totally agree with you, a balanced master between caring and strict is the best. For me (personally with my dom) it shows how much I count for him as he count for me, and he shows me that I can trust him. I leave myself entirely under his orders so when he puts in his rules that I have to eat healthy and stay hydrated or I'll be punished, I find it really awesome. Plus I stay healthy (because I have no choice ?)

Love SubOllie and Freaks last observations!

Strict Discipline for me is not so much corrective as it is constant and stalwart (this is my wiring, not applying this universally). For instance Freaks comments about eating healthy are a good example for me, I’d love a Dom who could help me be disciplined to eat right and exercise, it benefits us both for me to be healthy and look my best for Him. I do have a problem with guys who ignore those things for their selves but expect them of me. To me it isn’t “Dom” to expect health and exercisefrom a sub and not be an example of that.

I always understood that a Dom would sometimes use humiliation as a training tool, the object being to obey no matter what happens. After compliance is achieved then an understanding is reached. Everyone is different.

Humiliation is used for some submissives but if it used on the wrong submissive it will have negative results and be counterproductive regardless of the stage in the training.

I’m not sure how I feel about humiliation. On the one hand, the idea of a domme woman as making me be naked in front of other women, wearing panties, being their pee receptacle, eating my own cum and so on is very exciting. On the other hand, if they were truly my domme’s/girl’s friends, I don’t know how I would be able to handle seeing them in my vanilla life. It seems that for me, there are degrees of humiliation. Probably true for everyone.

I guess seeing the friends in my vanilla life would be the real humiliation.

@malesmoothy said

Do you think that Domination and Humiliation go hand in hand?

Not necessarily. There is not anything I can think of that I could be embarrassed or humiliated by with a play partner.

If the same thing happened in public, it could be a different story.