I went to the after-hours doc last night. I was having burning pain of the vulva. It wasn't bladder infection and it wasn't a vaginal infection. It's a fun little disorder called vulvadynia, also known as vulvular vestibulitis and several other names. My guy thinks vulvadynia sounds like a Latin name for a flower, for example, "Take a look at my lovely purple vulvadynia." I'm sure Georgia O'Keefe would agree.
I attempted to give a urine sample and for the life of me, several times, it felt like I had given at least a few drops of urine, but nothing happened. I was in the bathroom for at least ten minutes with no luck. Finally, I realized I was too short for the toilet and that my feet didn't touch the floor when I was sitting on it. For the record, I'm 5'3". The nurse knocked on the door to see how things were going and I told her I couldn't go. She said to come on out. But I wanted to give it one last try. I thought, maybe if I leaned forward and put my feet on the floor, gravity might work with me and I'd be able to put some pressure on my bladder and voila, it worked like a charm. The test came back negative for anything, which is good.
In the exam room, I gave the doctor my medical history and explained the pain I had been having. The doc, by the way, was a real sweetheart. She had wavy natural red hair and looked like a country-bred kind of gal. She was friendly, had a great laugh and most importantly, treated me with respect and was knowledgeable about my rare disorder.
She left the room while I undress and slid into the gown and climbed onto the exam table. The nurse returned to the room and prepared the test strips, applicators, speculums, lube, and specimen slides. I warned her that my cervix is anterior and difficult to find and that the best speculum to use on me is a long, thin one. She brought back one of each kind they had. The doctor returned and I asked her if she would prefer my guy leave the room for the exam or if it was okay if he stayed. She said it was up to me, so he stayed. I slid all the way to the end of the table until it felt like my spine would split in half. I warned her about my hide-and-seek cervix and she appreciated the warning. She told me she was going to start the exam and that I would feel her touching my thighs and told me to relax. Then she touched a gloved finger to my urethra and asked if it hurt. I told her it didn't. She touched my clitoris and asked if it hurt. I told her it didn't. She touched the entrance to my vagina and asked if it hurt. I told her that it did. That it was burning pretty badly there.
She had the nurse lubricate the speculum well with K-Y jelly and slowly inserted the thinnest speculum. She looked around and repositioned it, but was unable to find my cervix. She grabbed the largest speculum and attempted to insert it, but it had accidentally slid against my urethra and caused intense pain. In all my years, I have never jumped back in the stirrups, but I did then. I slid back several inches and felt like I wanted to climb the ceiling. She had me breathe through the pain and tried to insert it, but I was far too tight. She asked the nurse for the medium speculum and attempted to insert it, but again, I was too tight and it hurt too badly for it to go in. She resigned herself to using the smallest one.
I told her not to feel bad. That the last doctor who examined me had been an OB/GYN for 18 years and that it took him twenty minutes to locate my cervix and that he'd broken into a sweat finding it. He even asked me if I was completely sure I still had it and that it wasn't removed when I had my hysterectomy. Since the after hours office is affiliated with my primary care doctor, I told them which doc it was, since he is a professor at the university and since she might know him. She and her nurse giggled when I said his name. She said she'd just been on the phone with him a few minutes before and that she knew him well. He's a neat guy. Older, teddy bear type with a mustache and gentle hands. Cute, too. I joked, "Hey, you should call him back and ask him for directions." She laughed and said if it got bad enough, she might.
At one point, she asked the nurse to "shine the light on here," so I had the song The Midnight Special, as sung by Odetta running through my head. She was able to find it in under fifteen minutes, which is pretty good and everything looked normal to her. It looked and smelled like a perfectly normal vagina, she said. Always nice to hear that. She said there was no discharge other than normal vaginal fluid, so it was more than likely a flare up of vulvadynia. She finished the exam with an internal exam, putting her fingers inside me and pressing from the outside, then moving the cervix herself to see if there was tenderness. It didn't hurt much. Just the usual pain if someone is manipulating sensitive body parts.
She wrote prescriptions for lidocaine to use for the vulvular pain and burning. And wrote a prescription for Cipro to keep around in case I developed a bladder infection and Diflucan and Terrazole should I have to take the Cipro and it changes my vaginal flora and causes a yeast infection, as antibiotics tend to do. She sent the specimens for culturing and I should hear back by the end of the week, but she said it doesn't look like anything other than vulvadynia. So that was my little exam tonight.
The doctors, nurses and clerical staff in that office are fantastic. I promised them the next time I visited, I would bring them great baked goods. Always nice to treat the folks to goodies if they are good to you. Everyone likes to feel appreciated.