Feb 2005
So, when she left, I was devastated. I felt so ALONE â so vulnerable. Iâd come home from work to an empty house. I wandered from room to room, searching for - for what? For her. Not just some sign of her; they were everywhere. I saw them in the rooms where we had sat and drunk coffee together, in the kitchen where we cooked, and ate (both food and each other) together. NO, I wasnât looking for signs; I was looking for HER.
It took a year or two, and I finally got used to living alone â well â not really â used to the feeling of emptiness. And I no longer missed her, specifically â I just missed having a woman around. Then, one day I got a call to go play Cabaret.
In Cabaret, the orchestra is a part of the show; they are all supposed to be musicians in over-the-top drag queen outfits and makeup. I was a little leery, having never cross-dressed â well, not since I was a very young child, playing dress up. But the gig payed $350.00 for two weekends performance, and two rehearsals, so I accepted.
At first, it felt strange, sharing the dressing room with strangers of both sexes, but there was a certain decorum. Of course we all looked at each other, but there was no open staring, and no gesticulation or even raised eyebrows. By the third performance, we were used to seeing each other nude, and began to be a little more relaxed about our sexuality. Clearly, it was not something that could be ignored entirely â but we laughed off the occasional erection (over either men or women) and we all became more like siblings than couples viewing each other as potential sexual partners. (Though there was a little of that going on between some members of the cast, in a reasonably discreet manner.)
But the odd thing was, one night the power went out just as the final curtain went down. Emergency lights came on, and the audience vacated the building in an orderly manner. But we who were in costume and makeup couldnât see in the dressing rooms, to wash the makeup off, and couldnât see to sort out our clothing and such. So we all decided it was easier to drive home in costume, and change there.
When I got home, it was like a light bulb went off in my head. Suddenly, there was a woman in the house. It felt right, somehow.
I have been âdressingâ ever since.
I rarely go out dressed; I donât care to bother with all the makeup and such that is necessary to âpassâ, and there are too many people in this essentially rural county who know me from the years I spent working for the local government. But I always âunder dressâ; I no longer even own any male under clothing, except socks. In warmer weather, I only wear a bra if I am excercising (I need a sports bra, to keep things from bouncing and hurting â a by-product of testosterone blockers I take for my enlarged prostate) or wearing a suit jacket or blazer. But in cooler weather, such as we are having now, it is easy to hide the telltale straps and clasp under bulky sweaters or a down vest (purchased online from the âWomenâs Outerwearâ section of Lands End, thank you very much). No one has ever noticed that it closes the âwrongâ way; or if they have, nothing was said.