Straight, bi, gay sexual preference vs one's romantic preference

After a lifetime of all kinds of sexual and romantic adventures it's my belief that a person can have two sets of preferences; a duality if you will - one that defines him in terms of romantic interests, another defining sexual interests.

That’s a good observation, but it’s bliss when the two cross paths with the same person. You could even add friendship to the mix as some really strong sexual relationships are based on extraordinary friendships. It’s apparent here that some cross the sexual/romantic/friendship paths with multiple partners of both the same and/or opposite sex.

After a lifetime of all kinds of sexual and romantic adventures it's my belief that a person can have two sets of preferences; a duality if you will - one that defines him in terms of romantic interests, another defining sexual interests.

Very astute and interesting notion.

I'm going to guess that this occurs more often with men, seeing how they are the sex that, in general, adhere less to the notion of marital/sexual exclusivity.

In any case, I would think it natural that one can have a very deep attachment to someone and would still like to have sex with others on a non committal basis. People/society not realizing or accepting this might be one of the great misunderstandings that humans fall prey to.

After a lifetime of all kinds of sexual and romantic adventures it's my belief that a person can have two sets of preferences; a duality if you will - one that defines him in terms of romantic interests, another defining sexual interests.

Yes. But for me they can merge depending on the person. I grew up around a very homophobic family but I knew I was different. I very strongly preferred women but some men (Dr Bashir for example) had some sway with me. As I got older and had internet access I realized I wasn't fully straight. I hid it and still don't fully express it but its there.

Some years later I had my first gay experience and loved it! Then I had another and it was amazing, he and I are still very close friends and lovers when our locations and the stars align.

But I've also realized that while both romantically and sexually I prefer women. What I crave the most is connection. Connection overrides all.

Love sex with both men and women but with men it's just about the sex nothing more. With women it's about romance and love and feelings. I'm attracted to women and there bodies.With men there doesn't have to be a physical attraction. Don't really care what you look like it's all about sex.

Yeah thats an entire thing, in some parts of the lgbtq community we recognize sexual and romantic attraction as things that often overlap but can in fact diverge.

Its a fairly new concept but it explains a lot.

For me what I like in woman is pretty much the opposite in men!

For women I love a larger frame with fat and a lot of curves I love a woman to be unshaven and unwashed if possible. You can’t beat the aroma and taste from a larger lady’s hairy pussy! I could eat that all day!

Then for men I like them to be slighter built clean and not hairy. Even on an older guy a smooth shaved cock and butthole drives me wild! Where a lady with hairy hole’s is perfection. I’m not too keen on shaved woman or hairy men!

I have a wife who I love deeply but we don’t have a sexual relationship anymore (after complications from childbirth and deteriorating health ever since) so for me all others male or female is just sex and although there has been some fondness and longish term relationships over the years my love is only for my wife whereas my body is to be shared with whoever wants it!

I am a very rare bi-romantic bisexual man. I've only ever come across a couple in my time. Ive had LTR's with men and women but male relationships are my preference.

The so called Split Attraction Model distinguishes between sexual and romantic attraction. But there is more!

Sensual attraction is about physical contact, like cuddling, hugs, kisses or massages.

Platonic attraction is about friendship.

Aesthetic attraction is about who you find pleasing to look art, maybe their style or their features.

Me personally, I also split my sexual attraction into "people who make me horny“ and "people I actually want to have sex with“.

@agracier I'm going to guess that this occurs more often with men..

I agree.

@sein_Kleines The so called Split Attraction Model distinguishes between sexual and romantic attraction.

Oh yes, "split attraction model" is a very good description of what I'm writing about. Both I and my wife have this. While I've seen it in lots of men; apart from my gal, I've never found it in a woman other than my gal.

After a lifetime of all kinds of sexual and romantic adventures it's my belief that a person can have two sets of preferences; a duality if you will - one that defines him in terms of romantic interests, another defining sexual interests.

I am exactly that way. I have no interest in romantic relationship with males. But for kinky sex I do prefer males. Unless I want to be a dominant, then I am interested mostly in female submissives.

I 100% agree with the OP, that there can be preferences for your sexual partners vs. who you want to have romantic relationships.

An interesting anecdote on this: Recently, a friend of mine (who is lesbian) has been seeing a guy. Although she is not romantically interested in men at all, she 100% has no issues having sex with them. I don't think its even an attraction thing for her, its just she wants sex and has no problem having sex with guys. I personally don't think that makes her "bi", and she certainly does not see herself as "bi".

For me personally, I don't necessarily see myself as "bi". Romantically I would say I am "straight", but my fetish interests definitely include men and sexual encounters with men. I personally like how Zity and Fetlife give options like "Heteroflexible", which seem appropriate for nuancing how we may see ourselves sexually, and how I certainly see myself.

I really don't know how to answer this one without being sniped. Thats it . Have fun everybody.

I’ll come back and comment later. Found this article and need to digest it first, but didn’t want to lose the thought.

https://www.choosingtherapy.com/sexual-attraction-vs-romantic-attraction/

I do agree with the OP's observations based on my own experience.

I am bisexual and have had sex with other guys. I am married to a woman and we have sex. It has been a long and winding road to come to terms with my bisexuality. But once I accepted my bisexual identity it had a calming effect and now I can enjoy it. That realization enabled me to become at peace with myself and how I view myself.

That said, I view sex with guys as fun and physically fulfilling. Would I ever fall in love with a guy? Well at this point I would say no or very little chance. Deep down I just don't have romantic feelings towards guys, but I am very sexually turned on when I do get the chance to have sex with them. Once the sex is over, that's it. Yes, I am friends with these guys too, but I do not feel any romantic attraction towards them.

I think relationships are complicated of which sex is a part of that relationship. There has to be an emotional connection for there to be a romantic attraction, which can get very complicated. I only see myself having that connection with a woman- that seems to be where I am now in my sexual makeup.

It has taken many years to evolve to where I am with my sexuality. If you have unfulfilled sexual desires and fantasies beyond what you are currently experiencing, you should let yourself explore lots of situations with male and females. Once you figure things out, you will be able to embrace your sexuality and enjoy the company of others whoever that might be.

It has taken many years to evolve to where I am with my sexuality. If you have unfulfilled sexual desires and fantasies beyond what you are currently experiencing, you should let yourself explore lots of situations with male and females. Once you figure things out, you will be able to embrace your sexuality and enjoy the company of others whoever that might be.

Usually easier said than done, especially if you are already in a relationship, even a less than fulfilling one. Being found out about your embrace of your particular sort of sexuality can have serious negative blow-back.

@agracier ....easier said than done...... serious negative blow-back

Oh so true; two good points.... while dating first wife I really thought she was into enemas. I was too shy/scared back then to openly ask her... it was wasn't till we were married and then I found out she thought my love of enemas was perverted!

Usually easier said than done, especially if you are already in a relationship, even a less than fulfilling one. Being found out about your embrace of your particular sort of sexuality can have serious negative blow-back.

Yes, you are absolutely right on that point.

In coming to terms with your sexuality if you are in a marriage and wanting to explore that becomes difficult at best. Navigating a current relationship and openly telling your partner you want to explore sex with others could possibly end that relationship. Having sex with others on the downlow can be stressful and should be thought through before taking that step. Unfortunately, many people, realize they do want to explore after they are in a relationship.

I am married to a woman and we have sex. ..... I view sex with guys as fun and physically fulfilling. ......... Deep down I just don't have romantic feelings towards guys, ....... Once the sex is over, that's it. Yes, I am friends with these guys too, but I do not feel any romantic attraction towards them. I only see myself having that connection with a woman.

@ProV1 Hope you don't mind - I snipped from your post points that express so well and explain the duality I mentioned in my opening post.

I think this is accurate for many. I'm bisexual. I'm heteroromantic. I can't see myself in a 'married' type relationship with another woman. I do have a primary female partner that I've been involved with for a long, long time, that I love, but whom I would not be able to live with long term. I love getting together with her, and then going back to my husband. I actually find women more attractive to look at and I get sexually aroused watching women do sexual things, but I can't see myself falling in love with one. Friends I fuck would be the most.

Interestingly, I could see myself having a 1 night stand with a woman more than I could a man.

Hope to find both in one person one day. I think. Not sure. Not worrying about it at the present time.

In college, I took a class called Human Sexual Behavior. One of the many interesting things I learned was that on a scale of 1 to 10 where one was a hundred percent heterosexual and ten being a hundred percent homosexual the vast majority are neither but rather somewhere in between.

I agree with the split attraction model/concept, and I also think that its more of a spectrum than binary.

Although I fully accept I am bi, I realize that I tend to be more interested in sexual intimacy/fetish engagement with guys. There is a more limited pool (but not zero) of men that I could see a romantic relationship with compared to women. I also acknowledge that I didn't fully accept being queer until the last couple of years despite years of being a play patient for multiple male play doctors, and that I don't have as much experience with homosexual romantic relationships, which may color how I feel about it.

. . . .

This post reminds me of the bumper sticker I saw 40 years ago:

May my wife and lover . . .

. . . never meet.

I fully agree with you. Each side scratches specific itches. I connect better with other women but men certainly have their place.

As sexually I would prefere both for having fun but romantically I'm more open girls

And where would that place be @Truthisthis ? 😃

I don’t know about a “duality of interests”. I think it is just “interests” and finding the right person to spend our lives with is an exercise of having as many of those interests as possible in common so you are more compatible.

Sure, I love breasts and my partner does not have breasts, so I could say I am “missing” a sexual/ emotional interest in my current relationship, but that I am fulfilled in many of my other interests.

I’m monogamous, but I can understand friends of mine who are also bisexual who are consensually non-monogamous to fulfil a sexual or emotional interest that their partner won’t or can’t, but I know of that also happening within single-sex orientated couples also…

Interesting one. With that article I think I can say I may be biromantic, but homosexual. Because to me sexual attraction definitely determines whether I'll date someone, I still think lesbian is the best label for me. Think, Kinsey 5 in the romantic department and 6 in the sexual department. I did have feelings for a few select guys, very rare ones, that weren't entirely platonic. Think perhaps three or four over the course of my entire lifetime, whereas all else was girls, girls, girls. It was probably about the emotional closeness I felt with them.

I even almost dated a male friend of mine (at a distance, he lived in Turkey) but I bolted the minute I realized I would have to have sex with him for real. Still feel bad about leading the poor guy on many years later. The idea of... a dick. The look and the feel of it. Puke. I couldn't bring myself to the idea of sleeping with a man. Couldn't get off at the idea of it either. Kissing one. Cuddles are okay but that's really it, and I'd jump the minute I feel a boner. That's also why I will not date men, it's because I know the sexual dimension would be severely lacking, I would be severely uncomfortable and he would be unsatisfied. Besides, unlike sleeping with a woman, sleeping with a man isn't a prerequisite for me to "die in peace", nor can I picture myself happily married to one.

So, yeah. A whole mix of complicated things.

As a heterosexual guy its easy for me:

- romantic and sexual with women

- only sexual with men, no kisses