Coping with and moving forward from Divorce

A "friend" confided in me that his marriage is over. They nearly reached 25 years.

His Wife ended it due to irreconcilable differences. It's all amicable they've just grown apart steadily over the years since they met when they were 19.

So I can help this "friend" do you amazing people that have been through and survived a divorce have any advice, tips for coping with his new single life?

Very few dating women on Zity. Many divorced several times. Some won’t even have a free lunch in a very public restaurant. There are some with control issues. Others have public images and are a waste of time. Even some who consider themselves too old to have a relationship of any kind. So the bottom line, buy a horse and ride the range, or buy a boat or a corvette. Enjoy the attainable.

My long time beautiful wife died of cancer. The end result is you are responsible for you.

Lance: I am very sorry to hear about your wife's passing.

It was 10 years ago for me. It was also pretty much my fault, and I've come to terms with that, determined that I won't be the one ending a serious relationship again. I find that there are MANY women who want a man, for various reasons, and many are on this site, but don't necessarily respond to advertising.

One of the chief problems a guy like me has is golddiggers. I hesitate to follow or chat with women on most social media sites because many of the women who contact or follow me indicate an interest motivated by money. I am 78. They are 30. You get the picture. However, even so, there are many fine women who would appreciate a good man. If he's a kinkster, as here, this IS a fruitful field, but only if he's a decent person. Very few people, be they submissive or otherwise, want an LTR with an asshole. I believe in relationships and love.

My long-term marriage was marred by constant sexual rejection, and even though I blame myself, that's because my reaction was to go "play" kinky games with other women after that rejection.

As far as where to look: I don't know now. I haven't looked for anyone in over a decade, and the field has really changed. If it was me, I would in fact start here & look for someone like me (enemas, anal play, medfetish), but I'm in a relationship now, so no. If the individual is a kinkster and in a big city, I know there are meetups & so on. Suggest he try to make friends and don't make anything serious until you know what you're doing. It's easier for me since I'm an extrovert and like pretty much every woman I meet, which sometimes creates problems, but I'll take those. Also, a shout out to all the excellent women on this site, many of whom bare their most intimate thoughts and let us horny guys read them!

A few random thoughts, not advice, wouldn't presume to do that with a stranger, but can share from my own experience for what it may be worth.

i too met my former wife (in high school) and we married young, i had just turned 21. She was 5 months younger than me. We were religious, i was gay and trying not to be, but she knew before we married ... our beliefs simply didn't acknowledge such a thing. But, we equated our beliefs with 'God,' so i tried not to be gay all those years. (didn't work). It took me awhile (lol, we were married 31 years), but finally processed enough to realize that my beliefs did not align with reality, she thought otherwise, that just refused to repent. Sorry, just a little back story.

Even though we were ridiculously incompatible, it wasn't all awful. i liked and loved her, i suspect she loved me, though i don't think she ever liked me. My point is, i don't think most relationships that last that long are all good or all bad. There's good memories and bad ones and it's a big chunk of life. i don't think it's healthy to deny the good or bad, but i do think it's unhealthy to dwell there, especially to the point of living in those memories, good or bad. I think it's good to be aware and acknowledge the past but i think living there keeps us stuck and from living now.

I don't think it's a good idea to jump back into a serious relationship right away, that it's good to get in touch with oneself as an individual vs a couple. Especially when one has been in a long relationship from an early age. What do we really know at 19, 20, 21...? When we're that young and in a relationship, we sort of grow up together, or not. But i think we are molded by our relationships, and now the mold is broken. i think it's a good idea to figure out who we are individually, sans partner.

Make a list of things he/she has always wanted to do, but didn't because of relational constraints, and do them.

A few thoughts... it's a vast topic.

I have been dealing with a divorce for a year and a half. Not a happy time. Advice? Do the best you can. Find things to do. Maybe new things. Treat yourself well.

Truthfully, I’m trying to follow my own advice, but it’s not easy. Especially if the divorce was not one’s idea. Especially if you still love your ex.

When I got divorced, it was mutual and I wanted her out BAD ( I kept the house and boat ). But at the time I was working 50 hr weeks and commuting 2hrs a day. After the divorce, I took a week off to clean and straighten some stuff out. But what was bothering me was how I was going to take care of evrything all by myself working all those hrs. During that week my nerves were bothering me so much I had trouble sleeping and eating, I actually love food but had to force myself to eat. Didn't know how I was going to do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, mowing, outside work, etc, etc. Well after about 6 months I got into a routine which I still use somewhat today ( retired now ). After those 6 months I was feeling comfortable and started looking at dating sites. Well over the next 2-3 years met so many women from those sites and found so many single and divorced women, was having A LOT of great sex and it was just like being in High school again! 😜😉 My advice would be after divorce is let the dust settle, get into a routine, and go out and have some fun. There's A LOT of divorced, horny women out there too. 😜😃

@Lance29 I divorced after 9 yrs. I still want to find somebody to love and be loved by. I think after 25 yrs, irreconcilable differences is BS. It just takes more effort to reconcile them. 25 yrs is a long time to just throw away.

No advice sorry to hear. My wife and I separated once awhile ago for 18 months.

She had filed for divorce irreconcilable differences.

My apartment building burned. lol We reconciled but was never ever the same.

I sleep on the couch now, lol, with my dogs.

@Lance29 Very few dating women on Zity. Many divorced several times. Some won’t even have a free lunch in a very public restaurant.

I've wondered about that -- what's it like trying to find to someone here...

Well over the next 2-3 years met so many women from those sites and found so many single and divorced women, was having A LOT of great sex and it was just like being in High school again! 😜😉

I almost got divorced when the wife had an affair. Long story but we are still together.

But in the middle of that I also tried the dating sites just to see. My experience was a lot of hostile women who made it clear - no sex! I get why they may have felt like that, but taking that stance right out of the box was a turn-off to say the least.

I spent a small fortune on therapy following my divorce. I had never failed at anything. I blamed myself for the failed marriage.

After countless dollars to a psychologist. I realized there was nothing wrong with me other than I had married a no-good asshole, who had the morals of a dog. He was gorgeous but he was a jerk, who when he wasn’t near the one that he professed to love, loved the one he was near. The final straw was when he tried to seduce my own sister.

Professional help is good but it’s expensive unless it’s covered by your insurance which mine was.

My only advice, other than professional counseling is don’t blame yourself as I did.

OMG how long ago was this. Are you doing ok now? xoxoxo

OMG how long ago was this? Are you doing ok now? xoxoxo

@eeetime It's been a long time. In fact, my beautiful daughter, who was the only good thing to come out of my first marriage is married with three boys. The oldest is a teenager. She has some contact with my father but I don't. I'm married to a wonderful man now and life is good.

@tallslenderguy What do we really know at 19, 20, 21...?

Great post below, #5 - extra thanks for it!

I wish I had paragraphs of suggestions, tips, and sage words of wisdom. I don't think it works like that. I'm almost a year and a half past my divorce, and I've learned a couple things that perhaps I should have known from the beginning. First is not to minimize or ignore that rate that people grow closer together or closer apart. I was married for over twenty years to someone that I was incredibly close to at the outset. Yet, over the years, we changed as people, and other life events happened. In looking back now, it's still hard to pinpoint exactly where each moment of change was, but they added up, leading to the divorce. I remember hearing that 'people don't change'. Yet I'm different now in my 40s than I was in my 20s. I'd like to think I've changed for the better, or 'evolved' as some might say. But with such changes, it is possible to grow apart from your spouse. I believe we both could have worked more to stay connected and that we each bear some responsibility for that, but that view is not shared by her.

Second, while I can't speak to all kinks, I have now learned that one must be honest about their sexual interests. Repression is not a permanent solution. I made twenty years of marriage, but in truth, there were lots of bumps along the way, stemming from different sexual interests and for lack of a better phrase, vanilla vs. kink. I have strong interests in medical play and the other side was largely turned off by it. It became a friction point, and almost a point of control in the marriage (and I don't mean control in a desirable way). Compounding the issue was that the woman I date prior to the woman I married was very much into kink and I made the mistake of thinking my career pursuits and publicly known passions were the most important items to consider regarding compatibility. I was wrong. For those reading, it's likely easy to think, 'wow, he's stupid', and history proves I wasn't great with choices made. But sharing intimate sexual desires has so many levels to it, levels to which I guess I was truly ready to explore with my ex-wife, or perhaps I should say, levels that she wasn't willing to explore with me.

As for looking forward, I won't make the same mistakes twice. I have to be more open with a future partner, which means taking more risk upfront. I don't know exactly what point in the relationship that needs to happen, but I know that it must be sooner than it happened last time. In my mid-40s, I have love in my heart and commitment to be directed towards the right next partner. I'd like to think I'd find them via zity, although from what I've read, the chances of that are very low. That part of the journey is yet to be undertaken, but I know that I have to be true to my feelings and interests and not only hope that they will be tolerated by the other person, but actually enjoyed with the other person. On a certain level, career paths are more superficial than love and intimacy, and I learned that my outlook prioritized things that today I probably wouldn't prioritize. Some will likely say this is on me, that I should have known, etc. But life is a learning experience and I'm finally at the point where I can honestly assess and go forward. That would be my third point.

Anything coming out of divorce, needs to be reflected upon and studied. You don't want to make the same mistakes twice. Which is not to say that everything is your fault. That's definitely not the truth. But no one is perfect, so there are things that be reflected on before diving into the next relationship. I think that self-reflection has helped a lot, and in the case of medfet, confirmed to me that it is very important and not something I see as optional. I think I feel into the trap of societal norms before, where I didn't think I could make such an assertion on the world as I knew it, so I tried to temper my interests or shield them from the world altogether. That didn't work then, and it won't work now, so I will handle it more honestly going forward.

I hope something written here is of value. I don't mean to preach, or to get verbose, but it's a topic I've thought a lot about lately, so when I saw this topic come up on zity, I thought I'd go out on a limb and share.

DR65952. Ditto. We'll written. Life has a learning curve to it. Honesty is the best policy. Very hard to do sometimes with such an intimate subject as sex. I was married (shotgun wedding) to a good woman for almost ten years. Have two wonderful children. Different factors led to divorce. No infidelity on either side, but I will always take at least 50 percent of the blame. Divorced for twenty years. Have another woman, married again. Great gal. We're all human. Both sides, male and female, your just going to put a different face on it when you get a new partner. Have faith. Keep trying. Let them know vanilla is not your style and see if conversation progresses from there.