The Three Biggest Lies

When my TV repair business died about 20 years ago I found a job as a test tech in a fiber optic undersea manufacturing company. They were paying techs 4 times what I made fixing TVs plus health insurance that would have cost me another three times to buy it as an individual. That was a total of eight times my TV pay for a total. I soon discovered what they had techs doing I could have trained a monkey to do at a TV repair shop. They hired engineers to do what we techs from the old days were expected to do. I couldn't have used any of the techs in my TV shop as they weren't knowledgeable enough or capable of doing that work. Many of their engineers would have been useless too. Those jobs seem to be broken down to where an engineer knows only a small part of the whole. So they don't really have to know much. On one job I worked my engineer was the daughter of one of my customers who used to watch me fix her mother's TV. The girl in HR emailed me looking for a used TV for her kids to play games on. I asked her how she knew to ask me. She said she used to watch me fix her grandfather's TV. Boy that makes ya feel old.

A man's home is his castle. This is only true if you are not married and don't have kids.

A married man answering “yes” if he is asked, “Are you staying out of trouble?” No married guy can stay out of trouble.

Trust me, I've done this thousands of times. What is not said, is that out of those thousands of times, they only got it right twice.

It will get better, …

I promise……

You're beautiful.

“Nothing’s wrong!

So many good ones…

My favorite online one is….

Sure I'll send you picture….

With a social media marketplace but/sell forum the biggest lie was,

“I'll take it and will pick up (insert day and a time).”.

Many times no one shows up. Wasting my time waiting for them.

We're from the government and we're here to help.

I'm innocent. Not guilty. I got an alibi.

Trust me I'll take care of you .

@Cedar

A married man answering “yes” if he is asked, “Are you staying out of trouble?” No married guy can stay out of trouble.

“in trouble” is the normal state for a married man. I have a cozy that reads “Everyone makes mistakes but married men find out about theirs sooner”

1.) I've never told a Porky in my life

2) I pulled it out just in time

3) Honestly, I can't remember your honour

~~~~~~~~~

The dog ate my licence officer

Trust me . . I'm a politician . . . . or substitute . .(lawyer, public official, Gov agent)

Popular when I was in school:

The dog ate my homework.

My grandmother used it to light the fire.

I remember that my mon paddled my bottom just once when I was little, and she said it was going to hurt her more than me. I love my mom, but, wow! that was the biggest lie I ever heard!!

Not tonight I've got a headache

I can't, I have plans

I never speed

😁

“Let's just drop it and never speak of it again.”

After a job interview….." We'll be in touch soon!"

I really care about you….

Cop: How much did you have to drink tonight?

Person in the car: Only two beers…..

The check is in the mail.

Cop: How much did you have to drink tonight?

Person in the car: Only two beers…..

That reminds me of the time I got stopped. I told him 8 or 10 and he couldn't believe I said that. I was shitfaced, what was the point of lying? I blew a 0.29. That was the day I quit drinking 42 years ago. That was Oct. 19th and the code for DWI is 10-19 so I was 10-19 on 10/19. The cop was the only one who spoke up for me in court. The lawyer who charged me $600 never showed up. I shook his hand on the way out of court because he probably saved my life. The next time I fixed the judge's TV he never mentioned it. The hearing dates were always on Thursday and he set it for the next clear Thursday. As I was stepping down from beside the bench he called me back and said “you'd have liked that wouldn't you?” with a big smile on his face and I smiled back saying “I'd have been here”. Then he picked a different Thursday because that one was Thanksgiving and the court was closed. If I showed up and he didn't I'd have got off free.

It’s not you, it’s me

Your baby is adorable.

Of course we take you seriously.

We will get married, have 5 babies and live in the country. He left me a month later.

Let you return to school, get your classes scheduled, see you in a week. Never saw him again in over 20 years.

Are you mad?? No I am not mad. Me plenty of times

@roscoe congratulations in 42 years sobriety

Of course I love you.

Read my lips: no new taxes.

The border is secure.

I have no favorite. (A parents biggest lie.)

This will hurt me more than it will hurt you.

Family first.

“One size fits all”

The others were already listed.

“One size fits all”

The others were already listed.

Vanity sizing. Labeling something smaller than it really is: e.g. labeling a dress that is actually a size 12 as a 9 or a 10.

"It was nice to meet you."

"Traffic was horrible."

"Your new haircut looks amazing."

“If it doesn't work…… Bring it back…. "

"I think we should consider seeing other people."

Translation: I've been banging another guy behind your back for 6 month now......

"You can trust me"

"The cheque is in the post"

"Of course I won't cum in your mouth"

You can tell me anything; I won't judge.

There's no one like you.

I promise.