I am a male just into my 50s, and I am feeling more free to explore both by homoerotic and submissive side. I have always had bi feelings, but there is something about being my age, and having experienced a lot, that gives me more ease with my homo/sub side.
I was a chubby, nerdy sensitive boy who was always last picked for sports, and always teased for my lack of athleticism and awkwardness. I had glasses and braces, which during the years I was a teen added to my awkwardness and teasing from more aggressive boys. I've posted elsewhere on Zity about my experiences as a boy having corporal punishment and enemas administered to me against my will, and the growth of my masochism, much of it deriving from all of these experiences.
As I went to college, I got more into working out, and got stronger, as my body which was so chubby groing up, I found could also hold muscle. So, in college, I did develop my more masculine side, but even though stronger and had more muscle on me, I was still clumsy and awkward and not very given to most sports. Although I did not feel like a sissy, as I understood that word, I was aware that I was not a dominant male. I've seen documentaries about apes and bears, where the dominance of the males would be ranked from the highest, the Alpha, to the lowest, the Omega. Even though I was stronger, and not really effeminate, I know I was more of an Omega than an Alpha, or even a Beta. I was still a short, stocky awkward guy, stronger and with some muscle, but still with some chubbiness and not coordinated at all . . . still awkward and an outsider to male games. If I was part of a primitive tribe, I may have been found useful for some physical labor, but I would not have been chosen with the top males to go out on the hunt. It was something I felt very clearly when I was around more agressive athletic males, or even those further down the ladder.
I think there was always a part of me that felt I had to balance between being as “regular” a guy as possible, yet was always aware of this submissiveness, wimpiness, and awkwardness in me. I always had a strong androphilic, side to me, always appreciating strong verile thick bodied men. But I stopped myself from letting myself submit.
But now, I am really letting myself explore more that part of me. I am now a chubby, wimpy, nerdy short stocky guy with glasses, now bald and looking every bit the 50 year old fat nerd. I have always had a strongly anal side, but I am now so much more deeply into it. I have a collection of buttplugs, anal toys, dildoes, etc… and I love using them on me… I love fucking myself with a nice thick dildo in the shower. I love gay porn, and love seeing a fat chubby guy or an obviously nerdy guy getting fucked, and I fantasize about taking thick cock up my ass. I fantasize about the big beefy agressive athletic guys I've known in the past fucking me and me sucking their thick cocks. . . me naked before them and presenting my ass to them, and them taking advantage. Although I have not sucked actual cock as of yet… not sure if that will happen. . . I have had the pleasure to have a relationship with a “bro”, who has allowed me to suck his toes, swallow his feet, and lick his fingers and nipples.
I am now a short chubby bald nerdy queer guy who loves being homo, taking dildo up my ass, and submissively sucking on a bro's male feet. I dont regret all the times in my life I've had to submit, and even when it was embarrasing or humiliating. I dont regret being a wimpy, non-dominant male, and indeed it even gives me pleasure now.