A sexual assault leaves a hot memory

I want to start by saying that I am not making light of sexual assault. I am just going to tell of my experience and see what you all think.

I am a retired teacher of children with a disability. I taught at a school for children with this disability for three and a half years. I was 24 years old when I started my first year at this school in the 1980/81 school year and I was unmarried.

The Superintendent had spoken to me more than a few times in passing and I was told by a few of the other female teachers to be careful because he was a wolf. I didn't think anything of it and he didn't say anything more than comments about the weather.

One day in the spring of 1981 I was in my classroom alone because my class had gone to another class. I always left my door open unless class was in session. The Superintendent came in and closed the door. He had a folder in his hand and asked if I would come to a table in my class room because he wanted to show me something. When I got up from my desk to come he put the folder down and pinned me up against a window and reached around and squeezed both of my butt cheeks very hard. I tried to push him away but he squeezed harder and told me to be quite. I whispered that if he hurt me that I would call the police. He said it would be his word against mine and I would never work again. He then lifted my skirt and put his hands inside of my panties and put a finger in my anus. I started crying and he kissed me. He told me he wanted my panties and I said no. He told me to give him the panties and he would go. He slid them off me and I just wanted it to be over so I let him. He slid my panties off from under my skirt and thankfully left.

I sat at my desk, after the assault, and cried. I tried to compose myself because I knew my class would be back soon. My class consisted of five boys about ages 12 and 13. Pretty soon the first student came in.he said to me, "Hey. What's wrong"? This really was the right thing to say at the right time. This student was sitting in his desk and I stood up from mine and went behind him and patted him on his left shoulder and said, "Thank you ****." (The deleted word is the student's first name.) I told him that I would be right back. I went to the bathroom to finish composing myself. When I got back I told the class to read and I spent the class period with my head in my hands.

I would consider what happened to me to be a sexual assault. Does anyone else agree or disagree? I still have a lot of issues with this and at times I get turned on by how roughly I was handled and thinking about the Superintendent being in total control. Is this completely crazy?

I also want to say that I am Facebook Friends with the student that asked me what was wrong that day. These student was not mentally or emotionally disabled. This man is 49 years old today and every bit a gentleman. I would like to find a way to say thank you to this student for caring but at the same time he is probably the last person in the world I would want to know what had just happened to me.

How crazy am I? I am the first to admit that I have conflicting emotions on this thing.

Sheila, as a retired Deputy Sheriff, you have my deepest feelings and consolation. It was situations like that made me want to break the law and inflict back county justice. In similar situations, I would talk to my Sergeant, to no avail, talk to the Captain, to no avail, talk to the District Attorney, to no avail. I am truly sorry about what happened to you.

Sheila, let there be no question about your experience; you were sexually assaulted! It's possible that the District Attorney would have other areas of the Law, wherein the perpetrator could be arraigned on or criminal charges.

The fact that you get turned on by your recollection of the event that day, may be how an area of your psyche process the event.

It's too late now to go into detail; however, if you would like to explore the subject further, please feel free to drop me a message this week.

I feel sad that you had to go through such an event, with one of your own school Administrators. If he did that to you, how many other acts of Sexual Assault did he perpetuate against other Instructors, students (?), and administrative personnel? Sadly, the number could be stgnificantly large.

It is hoped that we have an opportunity to visit. If not, I wish you the best in understanding and resolving the challenges that the Assault left you to clean up for your own good.

Best wishes,

James

Wow, shitty deal, not unlike many of your collegues of any gender.

you really do need to balance justice,morality and career path to even report this. it is your choice and there are resources for you to use no matter your choice.

Hi Sheila,

To start off with, what "James" said,"If he did that to you how many others are there???? Where is "he" now??? Does he have a "spouse??" After reading your post I just sat here for a moment ....then the thought came from deep in my memory.......The Character "Nevada Smith' from an old Hal Robins Book "The Carpetbaggers" came to mind...When Nevada was a young boy his mother and father were brutally murdered by several men. He tracked them down and avenged his parents death...... The manner in which would be befitting of this "Perp!!" I don't remember if the "scene" was played out in the movie but it was well illustrated in "The Book!!!!!!" Really, it is worth the read.

With a "Click!!!!!,"........

of my 1911-A1,

highwater

PS ..Although it has been a few years I take it, the invocation of "Herschel's Dictum" would have been and still holds in consideration of the offense against you and I would severely discount "any' statute of limitations what so ever!!!!!!!!!!!

What you went through was terrible I am sure and it has bad memories.

But now, after 35 years, it does not serve you to dwell on this.

It is time to move on.

I also want to say that I am Facebook Friends with the student that asked me what was wrong that day. These student was not mentally or emotionally disabled. This man is 49 years old today and every bit a gentleman. I would like to find a way to say thank you to this student for caring but at the same time he is probably the last person in the world I would want to know what had just happened to me.

How crazy am I? I am the first to admit that I have conflicting emotions on this thing.

@Sheila - you don't have to tell your student what happened. Just let him know that his kindness is appreciated by you to this day - and wish him all the luck and happiness in the world.

Getting turned on by how you were handled roughly by him - your attacker, may mean you need to talk to someone who knows about this. That is different than getting turned on by being handled roughly - as part of a consensual sexual encounter, I get that. But the two are completely different - not even close, one is play, the other is flat out criminal. If you have a problem separating the two - then get some help, and not here.

I like my hair being pulled - spanking, but with someone I choose, when I choose, and how I choose. Do that to me without my consent - and I will own your ass. Just ask that rat bastard that did that to me - that was 40 years ago, and I hear he was someone's little bitch in prison. What I do today - is totally on MY terms, and I don't even compare it to what I enjoy now.

No Sheila - I DO NOT confuse my sexual assault for anything close to a turn on. Not the 5 years that the whole thing took from the time it happened to the rat bastard's final appeal and going to prison.

You need help - get it, I did and I still have problems at times, but I know the difference between play and the real deal assault. Get some help.

A "BIG 10-4" to you Lora C for your post!!!

with a "Click!!!!!!,"

highwater

Honey, you were assaulted, both physically and mentally. He used his power, literally and metaphorically, to get what he wanted regardless if you were willing or not. You said "NO". That didn't stop him. I'm so very sorry.

I worked with SpEd middle schoolers for several years. Sometimes they see things that average kids don't. I'm glad you still have this connection with the student who knew you needed kindness that day.

You were definitely sexually assaulted and things were different 35 years ago. you are right no one would have believed you, and he would have proably made it very difficult to obtain another job. whats sad is not just th sexual assault but the psychological hold it still has over you. im sure yiu were not the first or last. he used his position to advance his sickness and was more than likely a serial molester. but you could not have done anythjng. you were powerless. but now take that power away from him and push it to a corner of your brain in a box you lock up and nver open again. then the power is yours

Sheila--there are a lot of wise and very useful suggestions expressed here. If you choose to use any of them and take this further, please be very, very careful because you never can know how desperate someone who has committed an act can be when confronted with a threat of legal action where their actions, no matter how far in the past can affect their future. The advice of seeking help might be useful.

First let me say, all good advice here. That being said, let me answer at least part your question. I have worked in inpatient psychiatry with many abuse victims and have been the victim of several childhood experience and a assault as an adult. What I can say, is that you are definitely not alone in being turned on by the general concepts of what happened. This is relatively common in my experience. It is nothing to beat yourself up over and does not make you ill or wrong at all. You should seek professional help even after all these years if you never had but, don't hold this against yourself. Everyone deals with trauma in different ways and abuse effects everyone's psyche differently. So long as, any fantasizing or turn on is not harmful to yourself or others than it just is what it is. I would be blatantly lying and obtuse if I said I do not have any fantasies or turn on regarding my abuse (particularly, the later childhood stuff). No one can judge because everyone's experience is different. Just try to allow yourself to heal, seek help if needed, and ultimately acknowledge the fact we are all human and all fallible....we like what we like and we are what we experience. Too often, we victimize ourselves further or repeatedly because we feel like we should be totally scarred, repelled, sickened, or devastated by the abuse we experienced because society tells us we should. This could not be further from the truth. What happened was wrong...one's own reaction or coming to terms with that situation is almost never wrong so long as it does not involve physical/psychological damage to one's self. Enjoy your sexuality, self, and desires just, stay grounded in reality and you will be fine.

Point is...no you are not alone in your feelings.

Sheila, first of all, welcome to Zity. Thank you for being so open enough so early on to as to share sensitive, personal experiences, however troubling they may be.

I am truly sorry this happened to you, but no, you are not crazy at all. In fact, you are completely normal. It is totally understandable to experience any kind of trauma from what happened.

It is also totally understandable that you are turned on by the idea of being "roughly handled" and having someone else in total control. You are not alone in having a scenario like that excite you, although for many, it's alright if it is either in fantasy, or (controlled) role play, and not a real violation by someone you did not desire experiencing that with. In other words, being controlled by someone and roughly handled is ok, as long as you have proactively given consent beforehand. In this case, this was wrong, although you can derive elements from it that would excite you.

Take for example, I've long fantasized about being tied up &/or handcuffed and "abused" sexually, and have often masturbated while thinking/fantasizing about it. Now if some stranger(s) were to come along & somehow subdue me against my will & sexually abuse or assault me against my will, that would never be something I would want to have happen, in similar fashion to what happened to you. Yet, it is possible a sexual turn on might be derived from it, depending.

So it is normal that you can have desires of being handled roughly and totally controlled by someone, as many folks do. But ultimately within the context of your control, like something you'd consent to ahead of time, and not how you were indeed violated in this case.

As far as professional help goes, that's ultimately up to what you feel you need. Not knowing anything else about you, i might suggest ultimately seeking a partner that would help you fulfill your fantasies and desires within your boundary of consent. So that things that turn you on can be converted into positive experiences. Which may actually serve as a form of a healer possibly.

I read somewhere, not sure if it's correct, that some people cope with sexual assault by fantasizing about it. In their fantasy they are able to have control over it and that takes some of the pain from it. I can only relate to my life experiences and in no way an expert. I think we often look back and wonder if we had intervened, or spoken up we could have saved someone else pain.

I read somewhere, not sure if it's correct, that some people cope with sexual assault by fantasizing about it. In their fantasy they are able to have control over it and that takes some of the pain from it.

Some take it one step further and seek to experience rape play. Even though they may have experienced a real rape. I've seen this

That was real life assault and sodomy doesn't matter what he inserted , the guy should be drawn and quartered, on behalf of my gender please accept my apology , now let's find the prick and put a hurting on him.