Husband jerks off AT LEAST 4 times every day

Seriously I'd LOVE to join him but he denies even doing it.! He is doing it while I'm at work 3-4 times and does it a few more times after I get home.

Please... what can I say or do to make him see that there's an issue? And yes I will do anything he wants sexually but he does only one position. The same one he's done for 30 years.

If he is not cheating on you and in addition to his masturbation, he is also fucking you, you do not have a right to complain. It's his body.

If you say he is doing it 3-4 times a day while you're at work and he denies it, how do you know he is doing it??

A right??? Wtf? Did you even read this? Or consider that I was asking for suggestions? NO! Just felt you had to be judgmental.

No bother... I see you all over this sight. You just have to comment on everything. Must be an expert.

Oh! I forgot I have NO RIGHT to tell you how ignorant you sound

I might be going out on an unpopular limb here, but as an older man who was once a younger man, 4 times a day sounds a like an "issue" to me.

How is your interpersonal sex life?

If he's doing it & denying it, that's a sign he needs his space. He's not ready to share that part of his life with you, and perhaps he will never be. There's quite a bit i've never let my significant others in on. Kinks, fetishes, imagery, etc that i masturbate to, etc. Sometimes, despite being in a marriage, there are things a man wants and needs to keep private. For whatever reason. Some of us have many sides, not all of which we want to share with any given person. I share lots of things about myself on here I never divulge to anyone i know in real life. And there are lots of reasons for that. That's just the way it is.

On the other hand, i sense a little frustration from you, that you'd like to try more, but that he's been same old, same old for 30 years. There are a few ways to deal with that. One is to suggest what YOU'D like to do or try, and if he is not willing, then see if he'd be willing to have an open relationship so that you can be fulfilled. If your needs are not met, you're not being fulfilled, AND he's not open to doing anything to help improve that situation, cheat. Your choice of what you'd prefer to regret. Having cheated....or not seeking opportunity for your own fulfillment.

If I'm hungry and there's no food in the house, I guess i'll have to go out someplace and get some 😉

Madwife said

A right??? Wtf? Did you even read this? Or consider that I was asking for suggestions? NO! Just felt you had to be judgmental.

No bother... I see you all over this sight. You just have to comment on everything. Must be an expert.

Oh! I forgot I have NO RIGHT to tell you how ignorant you sound

You know lady, you asked and now you didin't like the reply so now you're mad. Yes, mad like a mad dog, not just angry. You chose your name well, Madwife. I did read your post and I gave an honest opinion, you just didn't like what you heard. It IS his body and if he wants to masturbate and not include you, that's his right. If he is having intercourse with you but you don't like the position, you need to discuss that with him, but don't be angry with someone who gave an opinion on the matter.

Did you ever consider YOU MADE THE MISTAKE when you married him because you weren't sexually compatible. If you are as abrupt with him on matters as you were when you responded to my post, it's no wonder he wants to avoid you leaving you frustrated and horny. You get no sympathy from me.

Life can be hard, DEAL WITH IT.

A right??? Wtf? Did you even read this? Or consider that I was asking for suggestions? NO! Just felt you had to be judgmental.

No bother... I see you all over this sight. You just have to comment on everything. Must be an expert.

Oh! I forgot I have NO RIGHT to tell you how ignorant you sound

@Madwife I am not being nasty when I tell you this but you will learn a lot if you listen to what @Switchablesusie says. Yeah, she IS an expert. She was just being honest with you so please just be nice.

Love, it sounds like you need to try to open a dialogue with him where he won't feel threatened or judged. If he needs that time and that space, he has a right to it, and you need to respect it. But if he's lying to you, why do you think that might be? What's he worried about? There is a world of difference between "Are you seriously jerking off again??" and "If you need alone time, I respect that. But I would like to talk to you about things we could try together."

I hope you can both be satisfied, in the end.

My first question is how do you know he masturbates while you're at work? Do you have cameras recording his daily activities?

More importantly, he may be doing what a lot of us do. We simply enjoy masturbating in private because we know masturbating in front of our wives will evoke questions as to why we feel the need. When we first got together in 1982, my wife and I had sex damn near every day I was home (my job had me on the road quite regularly) for at least 6 or 7 years. Then, it became an every other day thing. Now, after 33 years of marriage it's been over 2 years since we've had sex. She's been going thru menopause for an unbearable length of time and seemingly has no interest in sex. And, I'm 100% confident she is not getting laid somewhere else. Nonetheless, I want to enjoy sex in some way which is why I masturbate and use anal toys. If she were to ask me, I'd answer honestly; but, I'm not willing to offer the info for fear of upsetting her and making her feel inadequate. Quite honestly, I suspect she has come across my dildos and dongs and is secretly happy I have them so I don't push her to regularly have sex.

If you want to know what is going on with your man, you might consider instigating an honest, NON-ACCUSATORY, conversation with him about what he likes in the way of sexual activity and what you like, as well. If you ask if he masturbates and he denies it, drop it. You don't need to alienate him. It might be a good idea to suggest that on alternating days/nights of intimacy you two alternate setting the agenda and nothing is off limits so long as it doesn't include inflicting pain (unless one of you wants to be on the receiving end). That may be one way to get him away from his "position of 30 years." BTW, if the conversation does turn to him masturbating when you're out of the house, you might suggest he hold off until you get home so he has a full load for you to swallow. I promise there are very few men who would pass up that opportunity. Just be ready to follow thru.

Does his jerking affect sexual acts with you? I know that if I was "unloading" like that 4 times a day I would not perform as well.

Is he watching lots of porn while he jerks it too? Depending on what kind it is, that might be part of the issue, e.g. if he's into "EEE Lesbians Gone Wild" and you're sporting a B-cup rack and wouldn't go near another woman's carpeting, well there you have it. And if that's the case maybe invite him to watch it while you blow him or he fucks you instead of jerking it.

Slightly off topic but this thread reminds me of a Full Metal Jacket scene classic:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LqpGiwNtMvY

Well @Agasmic I do not think it would be a good idea to ask him if it is anything to do with porn really because maybe it would just sound like @Madwife is accusing him of something she thinks he should not be doing. I think it is ok if he uses porn because it is just private for him but it would just make trouble if she talks about it and she sounds like she thinks it is wrong.

@Madwife I just think a nice chat is the right way, maybe just talking about how you would like to improve your sex life. But please please please do not sound angry, that will just make everything worse ok?

Hell! I couldn't do THAT when I was a horny teenager! I assume that he's in your approximate age range; 50's? That is GREAT!

After 30 years, what is the "new" issue?

Since you put up with a single sex position for 30 years, you must not see it as a significant issue.

Since he still has sex with you, ignoring you does not seem to be an issue, unless you want it more often AND he masturbates instead.

When he goes off to masturbate while you're home, follow him and offer to have sex with him instead. If you're not interested in sex (or a helpful hand job) at the time, it shouldn't be an issue.

I DO see the denial as an issue. For that aspect, sit down with him and tell him you don't object, but would like to help and participate...

Masturbation is a very private activity for most people, so it's likely he's simply not comfortable discussing his masturbation habits with you. And even though you've been married for 30 years, that doesn't mean that your husband is comfortable with any and all sexual acts.

However, it does bother you, and this concern is bothering him. You need to have a conversation with him explaining exactly how you feel without assigning any of the blame on him. You can express your desire to be more sexually explorative and ask him what he'd be comfortable trying with you.

It's impossible to get to the real heart of the issue from the little bit you wrote, but it's hard to go wrong just talking to him as long as there is no condemnation or blame put on your husband.

You need to have a conversation with him explaining exactly how you feel without assigning any of the blame on him. You can express your desire to be more sexually explorative and ask him what he'd be comfortable trying with you.

Remember that having A Conversation is a bit like opening Schroedinger's Box ... you never know what the outcome will be.

Or Pandora's box. I'm not certain which one is worse.

Thinking about this more, if his masturbation is secretive, the object of his thoughts as he's masturbating is someone/something other than you that he doesn't want to tell you about. That would be better left as his secret, without prying and insisting on any disclosure.

That aside, you should communicate your own desires for sex that you want with him. If he rejects all of them, ask if it would be okay for you to find someone else willing to please you if he is not willing. The question is not about actually going ahead and cheating, but just to see how he feels about your needs, and options for fulfilling those needs. That will just help you with where you stand.

So the take away here is to allow him his space and privacy, and to communicate about your needs and desires and see where he's at about pleasing you.

The issue seems to be father reaching than the masterbation concern.

I'm much like the guy, I jerk off several times a day, in private. I still want to fuck my wife like a bunny as well. Some guys just have a high sex drive and sometimes you just need to get some quick relief. If I'm in the shower..I'm going to jerk it. Maybe I'll excuse myself to the bathroom for a quick wank as well. As far as I'm concerned it's my own business. It doesn't mean that I don't love my wife or that I don't want to have sex with her either. It just means that I want to get off quickly.

As long as he's not doing it in inappropriate places or exposing himself to others or something like that, I'm not seeing the problem. At least he isn't cheating on you with someone else.

In the words of Woody Allen, "Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone you love"

Well friends, no point wasting our time trying to help the OP. Her rant in post 3 is her last post, almost four weeks ago. We may be able to help others but we can't help Madwife.

Mrs Madwife, I am sure your husband loves you dearly. My guess is he has this persistent habit for one of three reasons: a. It is a universal habit developed during boyhood which he has not grown out of. He is not alone; plenty grown, single or married men, masturbate. Yours truly joins this society. b. Self hand-jobs are often the most pleasurable of penile stimulation simply because of the real-time feedback of what feels best. When somebody masturbates me, it takes forever to climax and sometimes I have to finish it myself. c. He may have some degree of gayness and is sort of neutral with heterosexual intercourse. He has sex to please you, but has not the interest to exert himself like you see in the XXX movies, with all the passionate acrobatics. So, hang in there, Madwife. You need not be criticized by any for your concerns.

"Well friends, no point wasting our time trying to help the OP. Her rant in post 3 is her last post, almost four weeks ago. We may be able to help others but we can't help Madwife."

Or more optimistically, he's finally gotten round to banging her.

Who would even want to bang her?

She sounds like a bitch to me, only seeing her side. Maybe he doesn't like her anymore, is happy to masturbate and she is getting horny and frustrated.

Yeah, true Susie - thinking grudge fuck if anything at this stage. Either that or the chicken choking is a cover for a well deserved affair...

I would advise to sit down with him and talk to him about it. Its obvious you are suffering and he damages your marriage. This is not healthy at all. Jerking is ok as long as its doesn't replace a healthy sex life. One position in 30 years ! I would probably get a divorce myself.

Think about his background. Where he was raised, what kind of people are his parents. Was sex a taboo at his home? maybe he is not open enough or shy. Do remember though guys are stupid (me being one lol) we often don't know (and wont be able to guess) what a woman needs, want's, desires, or why she behaves in certain ways so you do need to tell him and force him to listen to you.Otherwise you will be very unhappy.

Like many have said already, a very open and non-threatening conversation would likely open up this box that has been closed for so many years. But if you open the box, you have to be prepared to deal with whatever comes out which is a scary proposition. That conversation could change the course of your marriage or may even end it.

So you have to decide, do you continue with the current situation or are you willing to roll the dice and see what happens when a very open and honest conversation takes place.

This is no easy decision.

Don,t go busting on Susie please.She often gives very well thought out opinions and suggestions.I like reading her.On a different note,several folks have commented on the value of COMMUNICATION! I love my wife and we have had a overall satisfactory marriage for 43 years,but she just don,t communicate very well about sex. I,ve tried often and still do to get her to talk more about her desires and wants but she just won,t do it! I,d gladly do anything she asked of me if she just would.That said I love her and will keep trying.Jim.