Is having to ask for it like trying to tickle yourself?

Over the years, when the thought of something a little "different" really got me going, I found that having to ask for it significantly blunted the anticipated level of arousal and satisfaction. Now, if you drop a subtle hint and your playmate pops it on you on their terms, that is ideal. Having to ask, maybe repeatedly, and then having your playmate go through the motions, is always a bummer. Do you agree or see it differently?

I agree with you willy... but must admit that hardly ever happened to me dropping a subtle hint and being surprised by my playmate with that

Everybody need a partner who they find exciting.

If your partner doesn't do that for you, find a new partner.

I totally agree. It doesn't have the same affect when you have to ask. My partner is denser than concrete when it comes to hinting at anything.

I don't mind asking for certain things (others - like most of the topics on this site - I don't mention unless I think the person might be receptive), but I don't like doing anything with someone if they are just doing it for me. My partner has to be interested in that activity on his own.

This is especially true for any D/s situation because as a sub, I don't want to tell my partner what to do. It sort of defeats the purpose, yes?

I don't mind asking for certain things (others - like most of the topics on this site - I don't mention unless I think the person might be receptive), but I don't like doing anything with someone if they are just doing it for me. My partner has to be interested in that activity on his own.

This is especially true for any D/s situation because as a sub, I don't want to tell my partner what to do. It sort of defeats the purpose, yes?

Yes, it definitely spoils the D/s aspect of any activity, whether D/s is the whole point of the activity or just incidental. For me, enemas can be erotic with no D/s aspect, or an enema can be very erotic purely from a D/s perspective. Having to ask may get me a good, even erotic, enema, but the D/s spice is pretty well lost.

Asking for what you want is fine--nothing wrong with it.

You shouldn't have to ask repeatedly and not have your request fulfilled.

If you and your partner are adventurous and experimental, you can ask for something in "mid-coitus", just flip around and do it. However, of one person is less adventurous than another the best time to bring up something new is when you're both just lounging around watching TV, cleaning up after dinner or some other benign time when you can say, "you know, later tonight I want to give you an enema while I'm giving you a blow job" or the other way around, "I want to give you an enema while I eat your pussy."

In real medical settings I insist on all shots in my bottom and even request treatment by injection back there, especially is the nurse is beautiful.

In play scenarios I make it plain in advance that I want painful buttock injections but often pretend to argue against such treatment at the time for the added thrill of making the "nurse" strict with me. In either case, asking for it ensures that I get what I want.

Yes but than again I live in a marriage with a bloke who thinks sex is a chore and one he does his best to avoid. It has now been 11 months since he last showed any interest what so ever.

I live in a marriage with a bloke who thinks sex is a chore and one he does his best to avoid. It has now been 11 months since he last showed any interest what so ever.

For a woman in her 30's, it sounds like time for the "Big D".

it is so wrong to be unfulfilled like that.

I've had both experiences already mentioned here by others. It really depends on the context and history of the request(s). If you've made multiple requests over time and are continually or most often denied, then when it actually happens it may be almost a chore rather than a delight, both to receive as well as to give (e.g., an enema). Throughout my sexual life, since my teen and twenties' years all the way to now, mid-sixties, I simply cannot feel any pleasure if my partner isn't clearly having fun as well, or is reluctantly doing something to me or with me. Long ago, 23-25 years, my first wife actually offered to let me give her an enema one night, just for sexual entertainment. I politely declined (nicely with thanks, not sarcastically) because I knew she was not going to enjoy it (yes, I could have been wrong). On another occasion, as a surprise, she matter of factly one night told me to dress in my (3mm, very flexible) wetsuit and sneakers (rubber) and then proceeded to tie me up in a hogtie, add some more rubber items and then gave me (great) oral sex. To this day it was the only time I've ever orgasmed from purely oral sex. I really enjoyed that one, of course, but I still wondered if she got much enjoyment from it. We divorced for both sexual and non-sexual reasons a few years later.

On the other hand, years later, I knew that my second wife and I both really enjoyed all of my usual 4-5 kinks together, so one night she gave me a surprise. She dressed me in complete latex, catsuit, gloves, hood, gag, restraints, and wound up after lots of ass playing giving me about a quart of water. After restraining me even more, she (in her delightful Domme voice) asked if I deserved another enema, and I told her whatever she thought necessary, so in it went! No matter what I had answered, she would have worked it into the D/s plot to further increase both of our enjoyment. I could have also taken a timeout moment myself to ask her for something (like the next enema, or another submissive request) because I knew she'd find a way for both to enjoy whatever I asked for. So for me, it all depends on atmosphere and circumstances.

Eric

GELING sensibilities is the best in a partnership. Forcing your kink or complying with another who has evolved out of being a kindred spirit doesn't work either.

The question isn't as simple as it may seem. On the one hand, we have to remember that our partners are not psychic - unless we ask, they have no way of knowing what we want. I've struggled with this situation for the better part of our 34 years of marriage.

What I'm going to type below, are shortcomings I've identified in my own experience - and may or may not apply to others. In my case, we married very young and never really learned to how openly communicate on matters of sex. Since our sex life was "ok", we prodded along and developed our lives, building a strong bond based on commitment and family. To the point where sexual disappointments weren't going to be justification for breaking up - but rather a burden we would endure as part of our commitment to each other and our family. But over the years, sexual frustration can tear you down and make you second guess your life choices.

Often times, I tended to think I knew what my wife's reaction would be before ever bringing up sexual variations - which lead me to manipulate the question or take a less than straight forward approach to making the request. If a partner senses this it can adversely affect their acceptance of the request. I would try too hard to avoid the possible rejection of an idea and end up feeling rejected before we had even approached the topic. Then if I did encounter resistance, I already had a head start on feeling sorry for myself. Another obstacle I created (in my mind) was transferring my lust for a particular idea onto my wife - imagining that she would get immense pleasure from whatever kinky idea I was going to suggest - only to be let down when she agreed but participated in a less than enthusiastic fashion.

My biggest problems were (and still can be) getting out of my own head and making more effort to understand what's going on in her head (as opposed to what I "want" to be going on in her head).

My biggest breakthrough was when I began to develop the mindset of - Here are things I like, and I'm ok if you don't feel the same way. But I'm not going base my happiness on your approval or disapproval. I won't press you to enjoy the things I do. But I will continue to urge you to enjoy them with me, but I'm not going to create resentment if you choose not to. Accept it or not, it's who I am.

Once I started thinking and acting in this way, I think it opened her eyes to the fact I had needs that weren't being met - as opposed to simply trying to control our sexual activities together. It also opened my eyes up to the fact that I really wasn't looking for what things she desired or needed - and working to draw that information out of her in open, honest conversation.

All in all, it has been a very positive step in the right direction but there is still much work to do after 34 years of being stuck in old ways. So, yes, it can still be disappointing when we fantasize and glamorize some sexual practice only to meet resistance - or even if there is no resistance, the act may fall short of our expectations. But we have to take some of the responsibility on ourselves and how we approached it, presented it, and executed it.

I'm still sorting all of this out for myself, so I apologize if my post kind of rambles on.

I think sex is a key leading indicator of how well the marriage is going in general.

If you are feeling like you are having to hold back on your requests/suggestions then that tension is being driven by a bigger problem before you ever get to the bedroom. Even if you did not completely come clean with all your kinks before you got married, both parties should be interested in the other's kinks (post wedding) simply because they are into that person and connecting with them- sex is just another way to share that connection. Getting your partner off should be great fun for the person who is performing the act for the person who wanted it.

I think ImDoug's description below of his new mindset on how to approach introducing new kinks well into the marriage is very insightful. But what's important is that he and his wife are connecting on many other levels and truly like and love each other.

If the relationship has tension for whatever reason, the sex is not going to be very good or simply not happening at all.

Having to ask repeatedly is a bad sign. I know this from experience. As @ProV1 pointed out below, sex is an indication of connection, and I would add to that commitment. If one partner is not committed to the wellbeing of the other then committing to sex in any form will be a struggle. For a man, it's devastating to be rejected by his partner and rejection can come in the form of disinterest or the inability to catch a hint. If I'm in the kitchen with my wife and rubbing up against her and putting my hands on her ass and near her breasts and she acts like I'm not there then that is like kicking me in the balls. And that can go on for only so long. I know that I want to be wanted by my partner. I know that sex drive can go away for some people but if you love your partner yet have no drive then you better work out some signaling system or pay attention to his or her needs before you don't have a partner to worry about.

I have been married along time she is very strong willed but sorta vanilla when it comes to playing.

For a man, it's devastating to be rejected by his partner and rejection can come in the form of disinterest or the inability to catch a hint.

For a woman, as well. Rejection isn't gender specific.

What has worked for my husband and I over the years was and still is to sit down and talk. We communicate with each other. We know the desires of each other. Other than ask a question we make a suggestion. We are very careful with anything negative during verbal communication. I use that approach daily. I think about what I say. A negative comment, once out of my mouth has done it's damage. Should we desire to try something new we talk about it first. We don't wait for a no or rejection. That's mental and emotional torture. He knows better than to ask me to do anything concerning being tied up, wearing masks, bondage etc. So it's never been talked about. He's never mentioned that stuff. So it's eye to eye communication that has paved the way for our mutually enjoyed fun times. I can't imagine doing something with my husband that he would just tolerate. That would be heartbreaking!

In an erotic D/s evening, while surprises can indeed be intimidatingly erotic, on the other hand, my ex partner Domme used to tell me that it made it even more erotic if she made me beg her for my next kink application or excalation ("please ma'am give me another enema before you let me expel this one" or the like).

And another favorite dominant tactic she liked to use on me was making me describe to her out loud everything she had done to me so far.

Eric

I don't like having to ask my partner for everything and always give instructions. I like them to have their own ideas and initiative.