Morals versus Desires

How does one reconcile what one desires with the values of a life time. It is one thing to be hungry and to want but a totally different thing to burn down a beautiful home to fry an egg. In the end of may be trite or simplistic to just conform. I hope some one has an answer I sure don't.

This is the third time I have come to Zity and the other times I left because of guilt about what I felt and thought. Usually the reason is if I get caught here the pain that will come out weighs any rewards. I will be curious about response.

If it hurts somebody else, it is probably immoral or amoral.

If it ONLY affects you, do what you desire.

Getting caught by people who don't understand kink (even though they think they do) can be a real problem if the person catching you is your wife. I don't see being here a BIG problem for you unless you look like you are seeking other playmates, which could be disastrous for a marriage.

With regard to "cheating" because it often comes up, one partner will often say, "How can you do this to me". Well, the thing is you aren't doing anything TO your partner. You are doing something for yourself except it is an intimate activity and your spouse isn't involved which is what usually upsets and/or angers them.

With regard to "cheating" because it often comes up, one partner will often say, "How can you do this to me". Well, the thing is you aren't doing anything TO your partner. You are doing something for yourself except it is an intimate activity and your spouse isn't involved which is what usually upsets and/or angers them.

Maybe spouses also get upset because they were not in a position to approve, allow or deny the activity. Lots of spouses can be very controlling and nosy, even with activity that doesn't really affect them.

It will affect different people differently. People will reflect differently on how various aspects tie into their lives and the folks in them.

Your answer about how you feel & think is how it is for you. Different people will think differently. People's justifications on the morals vs desires issue may or may not fit your situation. I don't believe there is any one way to look at the whole thing.

Ultimately you have to do what you feel is right FOR YOU. We all do, and that may & will lead to different results. We're all going to draw the lines in different places. Online may count the same as physical contact for some people, but not for others. You can't really give it a specific one way or the other outlook. Only in a personal sense.

Hope that helps.

Ok... first question: it is you and only you who´s going to decide how big your fire will be to fry the egg. you don´t have to burn the beautiful house, you only need a small fire. how big will you make the fire? well, that´s totally up to you.

seccond question: you said you left zity two times before because of guilt about what you felt and thought and THEN you talk about your fears of getting caught. those are two complete different reasons, if you feel guilty and want to leave again that´s your decission and you let yourself decide between your feelings and your thoughts, that´s one thing. but if you leave zity because you´re afraid of getting caught you´re choosing between following your feelings or someone elese´s feelings just not to make her/him feel bad (maybe with disastrous consequences). it´s not the same at all, did you ever stop and think about the real reasons why you left two times before?

try to chat with some people here in zity, they´ve been great help for me.

good luck...

(by the way... try to have some fun in the meanwhile)

I see you are married. I'll suggest if you have not yet sat down and talked with your wife concerning your desires then it's time to do that. That fire will burn until you get truthful with your wife. I guarantee you that the "Shit Will Hit The Fan" if she catches you here. You are a bit older but that does not mean you can't have desires. You have been living this way a long time so it's time to talk instead of going through this mental torture. I believe in communication. Make a plan, Man Up and do what's right. You never know about an outcome and how that outcome can be positive if truth is at the base of everything. Those fears of getting caught have you totally paralyzed between your ears. That's mental torture that can only be quelled by truth and affirmative action. You never know why until you try.

Morals are simple. It's right or it's wrong. Nowhere in between! Desires or a longing or craving for has to be addressed first else temptation enters and morals take a back seat to making a sound decision. We are never sorry until we get caught. I'll suggest you not put yourself in that position. Try the easier softer way and talk things over. My best to you and your lady!

Morals are simple. It's right or it's wrong. Nowhere in between!

There are more than 50 shades of gray when it comes to morals. Things are seldom clear cut and obvious, especially when it comes to sexual morals.

If things in life were either right or wrong as absolutes, then people wouldn't have so hard a time making choices. Life is complicated because morals are complicated, always shifting and contingent upon ever changing circumstances. Everyone tailors them to their own taste and preferences and expects everyone else to adhere to the same set. No wonder there is endless discussion over right and wrong, over what is moral or not.

It was suggested that it's immoral if it "hurts someone else" and not so much if it affects only you. However, I've known people that get very upset over many things that others do. They are not laid back or mellow at all. They are sometimes 'control freaks' who think they know what is best for everyone. I don't agree that we should knuckle under to everything someone thinks we should do or not do. Controllers are often "hurt" because of what others do, even when it doesn't really affect them. What would happen if you were "caught" visiting the Zity site? She might accuse you of being dirty-minded. What would happen if you said, "So? What's your point?" It might take courage to stand by your own personal understanding of morality and not adopt someone else's. And you might feel better about yourself after you embrace your interests and curiosity or whatever brought you to Zity.

I suggest a sort of moral relativism - in that it could be construed as immoral to not get what you need out of life for yourself.

You don't have to be a hedonist or scoundrel but you do need to consider yourself first as no one else will. Years upon years or decades of going without will leave you just as toxic from bitterness and resentment as guilt and shame. Difference being in the case of guilt and shame is you'll have something to show for it.

I agree with Sallyxx, however, even though I have come to mostly accept my kinkier dark side, Id never want to make it public. As most others here, I don't find any of it immoral as it doesn't affect others but Im sure there are many "control freaks" and moralists who would disagree.. life is just much easier if no one other than maybe a few people Ive come to trust knows.

If it hurts somebody else, it is probably immoral or amoral.

If it ONLY affects you, do what you desire.

When I was a teenager, I was told in a world philosophy class, for the lack of a better word, a story and then asked the question about "what is the most moral thing to do" to ensure the civilization's survival.

This small barely surviving civilization exists and takes care of itself by everyone pulling his own weight and working in concert with everyone else to make sure the civilization survives. The problem is, there is one person who is constantly disruptive, wasteful of resources to the point of threatening the civilization's survival, destructive, belligerent, combative and breaks all the rules of the society. For the sake of the society, what is the most moral thing to do?

After much deliberation, the most moral thing to do was to kill her, ridding the society of the menace. That was the only way to completely eliminate the drain on the society.

Now, to the quote, if something affects only yourself, you can do what you desire. If something hurts somebody else, that's OK if the person is threatening others in the society. There are also instances where one person may feel slighted or cheated on, like when one spouse who commits adultery and the other spouse says, "how could you do this to me?" When in fact the cheating spouse didn't DO anything to the other spouse. The cheating spouse did what they did for themself.

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. . . . Morals are simple. It's right or it's wrong. Nowhere in between! . . . .

NOTHING could be farther from the truth. There are many degrees and shades of what is moral hich is one of the reasons I hate morals, moralistic and self righteous people who moralize and tell others what is the right way to behave. Not every situation is completely right or wrong for all parties involved.

I agree with Sallyxx, however, even though I have come to mostly accept my kinkier dark side, Id never want to make it public. As most others here, I don't find any of it immoral as it doesn't affect others but Im sure there are many "control freaks" and moralists who would disagree.. life is just much easier if no one other than maybe a few people Ive come to trust knows.

I'm saying this with a smile so DO NOT take this as an insult because the same applies to me.

Of course you don't think what you're doing is immoral, you're a godless whore! 😁 😁 😁

Many other people would probably lose respect for you (and me) if they knew our pastime activities. It's easier for you or anybody to accept one's own dark side than to have another person accept it. If that wasn't the case, there wouldn't be so many people here looking for partners--they would be recognizable everywhere.

A key phrase in your post is 'values of a lifetime.' Before your friends on zity can be specific we have to know which of your many interests violate which of your values. That said, one way people do things that violate their value system is a psychological mechanism called 'denial.' There are many variations of denial. Sometimes people will think they 'deserve' the taboo; others 'compartmentalize,' just doing it, but blocking out the 'no-no.' To use an example in your profile, one knows exhibitionism is wrong (it's against the law; it may hurt others who are offended by seeing you, violatiing the viewer's boundaries) but one repeatedly does it, over-riding the knowledge that it's wrong. Other readers have said it's immoral if it hurts someone else. I agree with that. Your spouse has a value system, and at 70 you should be acquainted with it. I think spouses have to respect each other, and keeping the spouse's value system is part of it. If you're caught violating HER value system, it's my opinion that you're hurting her.

Your kink & guilt about being here. This board is a place where persons can share about interests that aren't widely accepted as conventional, and you will not be labeled in a pejorative manner ('kook, pervert, etc.) It's comforting to find others who share your interests. Discussions are usually civil, even if there is disagreement. So you like panties electro, S & M? We have whole discussion sections for these interests.

I suggest a sort of moral relativism - in that it could be construed as immoral to not get what you need out of life for yourself.

You don't have to be a hedonist or scoundrel but you do need to consider yourself first as no one else will. Years upon years or decades of going without will leave you just as toxic from bitterness and resentment as guilt and shame. Difference being in the case of guilt and shame is you'll have something to show for it.

You've just described a mixture of Epicureanism and something related to what de Sade might might be construed of having said, if he hadn't been so fixated on extreme forms of sexual activity and pain.

See, we discuss morals and ethics and philosophy quite a lot on Zity, this thread alone is a good example. There is little reason for Zity to be considered a porn site, not by a long stretch. 😃

I should have explained myself concerning the Morally Right or Morally Wrong statement. This is what I meant. I'm talking about right or wrong when dealing with people. No one has to agree or disagree with me. This is just the way I think and believe.

When I deal with people, my own family, children and husband I've always attempted to be true to this statement. Should I have the conscious desire and willful intent to hurt another person I have everything necessary to make a good or bad decision. At that point I can remain silent and have the other person think I'm a fool, or I can open my mouth and remove all doubt. Doing the right thing normally takes priority. When I fail, both parties suffer. When I get upset, there is something wrong with me. To take it out on another person is wrong, regardless if it's an act, thought or deed it's morally wrong and nothing can make it right until I change me. My thoughts can easily materialize into bad actions. That's the grey area. I will become what I think if I don't get mentally back on track.

So I think I can sum it up like this. When we hurt another person and we know we hurt them then we are wrong and no amount or thinking or justification will make it right. I hope that makes since? Maybe like the difference in being bad or mean?

What we do here is share our passions with other people. If that's morally wrong then I know I'm going to hell! However I do think we all will be spared.

What is and is not moral depends on who is writing the rules.

Depending on whose rules you follow, we're ALL going to hell.

What is and is not moral depends on who is writing the rules.

Depending on whose rules you follow, we're ALL going to hell.

Multiple interpretations of what is or is not moral allows us to seek one of the three sides to every story, your side, my side and the truth. Morals, the adherence to principals of unchanging truth are accepted or professed rules of action or conduct. To write one's own rules is perhaps an act of power? Power can be painful! It can come in many ways. Power is a husband that refuses to be kind to his wife, or any person who places personal ambition over personal integrity. Regardless of what ways power manifests itself, all have the same goals, "I Will Get What I Want At Your Expense" All have the same end, futility. When we see ourselves at the top, the only way to go is down. To over write the meaning of moral may very well be an act of obsession which fuels that power problem. When a person is at that stage of misunderstanding they fight a power greater than themselves. Obsession is a most powerful thought that will overcome any amount of self control or will power a human being has got. It has to come from another source. Perhaps writing ones own rules concerning morals and how we treat other people leads to this futility. I want what I want, when I want it. That word "I" will separate us from the love of our wives, husbands and friends. It's the barrier to anything and everything good. Even the grace of whatever god we believe in or don't believe in. I'll not give myself the opportunity to take the easier softer way of who writes the rules. When I'm not treating people like I would desire to be treated, or the ways taught by honesty, purity, unselfishness and love, I'm obsessed with self and on my way to mental, emotional and spiritual destruction.

And yes, depending on whose rules we follow we will live in hell until we change. So we accept and embrace the trials for it's the difficult times that teach us and set us free, if we elect to do the necessary foot work involved to bring change. Or we can wallow in self pity of our self made hell asking, "Why Me" The answer is, "Why Not Me" and it's because I write and break the rules and do it my way.

All you have to do is read the bibles of the different religions to know that morality entirely depends on who is writing the rules.

Those who don't believe or follow someone else's bible of choice are going to hell.

For me, as long as my actions do not directly or indirectly affect someone else in an adverse manner I am good.

I don't see this as an issue, unless you are doing something illegal or physically or mentally dangerous.

I think we are all wired in our own special way, and discovering that is one of the great joys of life.

If you like enemas (or scat, or blood play, or needle play, or any variety of BDSM) please be safe, sane, and consensual. And enjoy!

😃

Switchablesusie, I have never read a bible but I can see your point. Having being put into the hands and minds of men the original set of ten Perfect Morals has been twisted from Spiritual to religious. The power of free will to override perfection has punished the world. Religions don't lead people, people lead religions. Morals are assured to remain lost in the power struggle of bibles,religions and people. Many are self centered and lack love. That's a living hell! You are correct!

unicorn89, I appreciate your input!

BethMom, I appreciate you also!

Have a great day everyone!

Morals in the bedroom end with consention, hedonism baby