Cheating on girlfriend vs. having a threesome

I have a very legitimate invitation to have a threesome with another guy and a girl. The girl is desperate for vaginal DP.

I have a girlfriend and, rightly or wrongly, I am very much considering accepting the invite.

I'm looking for advice or experience in these situations, if anyone can please.

J

If you accept the invitation and your girlfriend knows, it is not cheating and is OK.

If you do it behind her back, it's cheating and if she finds out, it will cause problems and trust issues.

And if she doesn't find out...

Unless you do it FAR out of town on a trip and she doesn't know the other people and won't know them in the future, she will find out.

You asked, I told you, I'm done.

I predict it's going to cause trouble no matter what. A guilty conscience...

And if she doesn't find out...

Then don't talk about it or suddenly discover an urgent need to confess.

TV and movie role models suggest that at some point people will want to 'come clean'. Don't fall for it. Keep quiet about it and enjoy the memory.

Are you in an [assumed] "exclusive" relationship? If so, don't do it without her permission.

Are you sure the other couple is free of all STDs? If not, don't do it.

No good can ever come of a situation like this. My advice is just to forget about it.

Can your girlfriend have the same priviledge? Dude, don't do it.

Having a threesome can be very exciting I guess you have to ask yourself how much your girlfriend means to you.

I think what you are really asking is for someone to give you "permission", even though your mind is already made up. I am no one to be telling what or what you should not be doing. As everyone knows, Doc and I are both married to other people. When we met for the first time neither of us ever expected more than a causal friendship. Well as of Jan 9th, we will have been together for 8 years. Meeting him was the best decision I have ever made and I have absolutely no regrets at all. But........

Only you can make the choice, and you alone. Putting in a nut shell what some before me have said basically, "don't shit where you eat". Trust me on that.

Mashie

I would like to thank everyone for their thoughts and opinions. I'm not going to go ahead with it. It's not fair of me to do it to her, and the consequences of it coming out aren't worthwhile.

Just to clarify terms:

I don't think it has anything to do with "being fair" or one partner saying "how could you do this to me?" because you aren't DOING anything TO her, and you aren't being unfair either. You would just be doing something she would not approve of or that would give her reasons not to trust you..

Why not invite your girlfriend along and make it a foursome?

Why not invite your girlfriend along and make it a foursome?

This could only make matters worse. Unless both relationships have been 'open' from the very start, jealousy between the women or the men would almost certainly come to the surface.

Even in the original scenario of two men/one woman, how does the OP know that the other man would not become insanely jealous when faced with the reality of what was happening? That is another reason why it is a good thing he has decided not to go through with it.

My husband and I used to swing before we had children and stopped a year before we wanted to become pregnant with our first child. We liked our ifestyle, but we wanted to ensure we wouldn't have an AIDS baby, which is why we stopped a year before becoming pregnant.

Jealousy can become a problem, but it never was with us because we were the younger couple and it was the older middle aged men who always wanted to fuck me. My husband was OK with it because he always got me at home, but it certainly could be a problem for the older/other women who felt left out.

but it certainly could be a problem for the older/other women who felt left out.

The limited experience I had, seemed to show that the other women were more interested in my wife than in me ... of course, most men like watching lesbian sex, but not all women like participating.

So I guess there are all kinds of potential problems lurking under the surface when it comes to swinging ... I wonder if anyone can come up with an equation expressing all the possible permutations for problematic feelings? I bet Sheldon Cooper could swing it (pardon the pun Sheldon would certainly appreciate) but we all know how he abhors physical contact. Maybe if presented as a purely hypothetical problem? .... ha ha

You are not married now and it sounds like you want to have sex beyond a monogamous relationship. I think you need to stay single for now.

If you really want to do 3 ways and possibly have sex with other women, then I think you need to re-evaluate whether you want to be in a relationship that restricts you from what want to do- at least for now.

Why not invite your girlfriend along and make it a foursome?

Don't go that far at first.... just tell her you got the invite but stay neutral, just make it a report of information you are giving your gf and then study her response before deciding what to do next.

I dated a guy, a seeming “straight arrow”, and he hooked up behind my back and I found out soon after. It was very hurtful. After time had passed I realized ‘Why didn’t he just ask if I’d like to join him and the other woman?’ I didn’t know her but I would have been open to the idea I think, if he’d been straight with me. People breaking trust is the worst.

@GraceT but based on surveys of sexual orientation, wouldn't the odds be pretty low that she'd be into it? Like 15% or so? I imagine that's why he didn't ask you. But I love your attitude and enthusiasm! So much more positive than just seeing it as you were wronged - which you were, the cad!

NO experience here, but...I don't think anyone has suggested a very open discussion with your gf. One of your later posts states that you have already decided not to accept the "invitation". Certainly can't fault that decision...save for the fact that you may have missed out on a fun adventure. That being said, I would think that if you had told your gf what was afoot and that you wanted to know how she felt about it and would act accordingly you could see how she felt about it, assess her response (is she really ok with it or just saying ok because she wants to please you) and THEN act accordingly. You could ask her if she had any interest in participating, etc. As long as EVERYTHING is out in the open and both of you are being honest and act accordingly, I see no problem.

As long as EVERYTHING is out in the open and both of you are being honest and act accordingly, I see no problem.

That is a 'the Truth Shall Set Ye Free' attitude that seldom translates well into our real sexual lives. The unvarnished truth is rarely something that others can handle well. If I were to reveal the things I reveal here on Zity to my friends, chances are I would end up being shunned and as good as friendless and thought a disgusting person not to be around with.

One must be very careful with personal revelations, especially those concerning sexual matters.

Being utterly honest and expecting a happy ending for all is something that happens in (American) movies. Rarely in real life.

For instance, a somewhat lesser incidence of sexual puttering around: my wife never knew I helped with Speculumpages, by editing, choosing, formatting stories for the site. I did it for quite some years before the site closed. I hate to think what she would have made of this, even though there was nothing in the way of infidelity or actual sex involved.

Still I found it prudent to keep this in my own private personal sphere. There would have been no truth setting me free had she known.

I dated a guy, a seeming “straight arrow”, and he hooked up behind my back and I found out soon after. It was very hurtful. After time had passed I realized ‘Why didn’t he just ask if I’d like to join him and the other woman?’ I didn’t know her but I would have been open to the idea I think, if he’d been straight with me. People breaking trust is the worst.

I used to tell my ex husband, just bring her here, she can help me with the kids. I was basically serious.

One never knows but it's possible he asked the other woman if she was up for a threesome with his girl and she said “No.”

Went a was single and dating one gal most of the time, other women would tempt me and I would take advantage of the situation.

I had made it plain my main lady that we had no commitments but I imagine she would have been hurt if she found out.

Funny how it works but the women who knew I was dating the one main squeeze were the ones who provided the temptation.

I think you're going to wind up in the shit. Just a thought.