My Opinions on Being Judged For My Kink

So I recently encountered an upsetting situation where I felt I was put down for my fetish. I am into domination and pain can be a factor in my sub relations. I was randomly asked if I actually hurt my subs. And how bad it gets. That I was fine with. Curiosity about other sexual interests is normal. I was more than happy to answer them. Then came the blows. That others could never do that because they would feel too guilty and they don't understand how I don't feel guilty. And I seem so nice how could I be responsible for anyone's pain and so on. It does not matter who said these things. They were not meant to hurt and apologies were given but it has bothered me since it happened and I would like to express a few opinions on the matter. Me being a domme does not mean that I am not nice. I am a very nice person (most of the time). I had no idea that me being into domination made people think that I was an unkind person. Like everything they previously knew about me went out the window when they realized I was capable of this. And that upset me. It does not change who I am. I am not defined by my sexual interests. There is a lot more to me as a person. So if anyone else has that prejudice, please toss it out the window immediately.

Also not all master and sub relationships involve pain. Pain is only a factor if both parties agree to it ahead of time and both are interested in it. I am NOT going to hurt a sub who's preference isn't pain as punishment. And if I felt that strongly about it I would not agree to be a mistress to a sub who wasn't into pain. A lot of subs will actually beg for pain as punishment. They want it. I am not hurting people who don't agree to it. It is not like in every day life I go around spanking people who don't agree with me. It is an interest shared between two people like any other kink on here! And when pain is involved its not permanent. It's not like I beat them senseless. I don't break bones or go further than the sub wants me too. Pain isn't a big turn on for me so personally I am a very mild mistress. And precautions are taken when pain is involved safe words or if their mouth is gagged than a safety gesture. Or if something new is tried then we discuss the logistics and how far we want it to go ahead of time because I care about my subs and would never do that.

So in conclusion I don't think that on a site such as Zity where I expect to find acceptance for a sexual interest that freaks out most of vanilla society, that I should be judged for being a domme. I don't understand many of the other fetishes or kinks on here but I politely keep it to myself and don't judge because I try my best to be open minded and I want this to be a place of acceptance. I am not mad and this is not meant to start a problem, I just haven't been able to get the situation off my mind and wanted to express my opinion on the matter. So I hope if anyone had some reserves or strong, harsh opinions about dom and sub relationships that I helped you see the other side and think twice. Have a great day and thanks for reading (if anyone even does cause this turned out really long lol). 😃

Extremely well written. Good points here all around.

SRG,

You just expressed my thoughts.

Nikki,

Karma for you.

Andie

People think being dom in a play also means dominating people in real life. Beating people up ... just a mentality of few people. People want to know about kinks but not accept them.....

Being a sadist non kinky people would always point *you need counseling* ..... counseling thing has happened with to... My friend who wanted to get into bdsm after reading fifty shades.... I gave her a good explanation and all I got was *eww u beat people up and u feel good u r a sinner * * you definitely need to goto a psychiatric * i was like whaaaaat?????...... People will always judge you on every aspect of life... I just ignore them and feel good about what I am :-)

Karma to you

Very well said Nikki

NIKKI>3

You posted:

And when pain is involved its not permanent. It's not like I beat them senseless. I do break bones or go further than the sub wants me too. Pain isn't a big turn on for me so personally I am a very mild mistress.

Do you break bones???

How is it that you were "randomly asked" if you hurt your subs?

That just doesn't sound like a random question.

I fully understand your reaction to the whole guilt thing. If you are a dom, own it. I'm just struggling with your intro.

Nikki... Agree with positive responses above....For what it's worth some simply cannot grasp let alone comprehend....Don't allow others to side swipe you.....I too have added Karma+ accordingly.

@Susie Thanks for picking that up. I do NOT break bones. I changed it. Thank you for pointing that out it was supposed to say don't.

@Quincy I was in chat on here and someone asked me. I have no idea why people ask the things they do.

@SRG Thank you

@Andie Thank you

@spankingmaster I am so sorry to hear that. I can't believe your friend called you a sinner after she brought it up. That's crazy. Yea I'm not like crying over this I just wanted to say what I had to say on the matter. Sweeping things under the rug is how nothing changes.@Nik Thank you

@ThatAustralian Thank you so much. I know it just disappoints me when people hate what they don't understand instead of working towards accepting it.

It has always been the case Nikki when people don't understand or want to understand or take the time to understand someones kinks or fetishes. I suspect its to do with all the negative connotations that society has with regards to kinks, fetishes or anything it considers taboo or not normal. Society often associates very negative and stereotypical ideas, so more often that not its portrays or highlights the more extreme end of the spectrum, and as such people often developed preconceived ideas. So it comes as no surprise that individuals often judge and become prejudice towards certain types of kinks or fetishes.

As SRG, Andie, Niknoks and That Australian have said, it is extremely well written and composed, Karma to you. It should help to educate individuals ( like myself). As you said its a bit disappointing that on a site like Zity you have to defend your particular interest. The domme sub relationship is not for everyone , we all have our like and dislikes, it what makes sites like Zity so interesting and to feel a bit ostracized and having to defend yourself is not what I would expect on a site like this.

I hope you educated that person in chat at the time. I must say from a personal point of view it cause some self reflection on my part ( always a excellent thing) to be more accepting and supportive even if their own fetish holds no particular interest. We are all on a voyage of discovery and a reminder at time is always a positive thing.

Well Done Nikki

@RN I agree about all the negative connotations in society which is why I was even more shocked by that type of attitude here. The majority of people here keep their kinks or fetishes a secret for personal or professional reasons because society judges them for it. So I expected that everyone here would understand what it felt like to be judged and keep an open mind on Zity. I think that's why it hit me so hard. This is the one place where I can be open about my sexuality. Where I can express my interests without people I've known for years treating me differently or avoiding me or family members disowning me. Sex in any fashion is a very controversial topic within my family. The word sex is not even mentioned. I know a lot of it is for religious reasons. I had two great aunts who were nuns and my Nana would have become one as well if they hadn't left before her and stuck her with the responsibility of caring for her father. My aunt shudders at the word sex and is the biggest prude. So I value a place where I can come and be honest and forthcoming about controversial things I want to try or daring things I've done and finally expressing that part of me others don't understand. Thank you for all the complements I appreciate it. 😃

Just a thought; baring your soul, body or mind in any public forum, one can expect support to outright banishment. You post for your own reasons, expect nothing in return. So many people expect unrealistic support. It's spotty at best. Go on!

Put on your Teflon skin, and nothing will stick. The time you spent trying to rid yourself of stuff that sticks is time wasted. If YOU are comfortable with your kink, if you are comfortable with your fetish, then that's all that matters. If comments or criticism hurt, maybe you aren't as comfortable with your fetish as you want to be.

Friends that want to hurt you aren't friends. Cut them off and walk away with your head held high.

Very good commentary, Nikki. My life experiences (I have been around a few years) have led me to suspect that many, if not most people have some interests that would be considered kinky or even weird by conventional wisdom. But the pressures of society have made them too uptight to admit their interests, even to themselves. I regularly visit a couple of doms and we have come to like and respect each other. The scenes we do are a game that both of us enjoy and find satisfying.

I have told certain people of my medical fetish but only those who I consider will not be judgemental.

A difficult decision to make when considering being open as the cat won't go back in the bag. I'm not really worried as I'm comfortable with my sexuality but I suppose I do wonder what others might think especially those who don't understand.

I firmly believe that many people have some type of fetish, be it a certain kind of dress or some particular scenario which they find stimulating but the sad fact is most people are worried what others think, to mention it at all.

Just my thoughts.

Rockdoc, yes, being comfortable with one's own fetishes and interests is one thing but telling the rest of the world is something most of us cannot do for practical reasons.

I would put myself on the sub side of the fence so for my 2p's worth I find it hard to comprehend how anyone can have such a close minded view.

Nonetheless, I'm sure people out there exist. I tend to just ignore them and let them get on with their unfulfilling lives.

To the poster who was told they were a sinner-WTF! That's insane. I can't Stan that sort of judgement, and ultimately it isn't for them to pass judgement. We'll all be judged one day, or maybe we won't. Who knows? As long as you are having fun and not hurting people (that don't want to be hurt 😉 ) then you'll be fine.

So well said. That's like someone saying to me that I have self-esteem issues because I'm submissive and I like some pain. Nothing could be further from the truth. Great post.

I just discovered this thread today. One reason I'm very glad I'm a switch is because, totally by accident, I'm allowed to see both sides of the same coin. And both are very satisfying and moral and ethical if done right. I don't enjoy any but the mildest of spankings or moderate bondage/immobilization or any serious kind of pain as a sub, but do thoroughly enjoy being extremely submissive and allowing my partner to enjoy being extremely dominant to me, as well as the reverse scenario. And that includes her often trying to push my limits with things like spankings, size or length or retention of anal toys, speed, solution, size, retention or repetition of enemas, length or severity of bondage, and amount of time of enclosure or chores done or temperature wearing rubber. It also includes her very nicely done psychological domination of me including timing and severity of tone of voice and multiple "threats" of what she tells me is coming next. She thoroughly enjoys the reverse when she desires and assumes submission to me. While it's not strictly an issue of pain with us, I have no doubt there are many like Nikki's heckler (better word but I can't think of it!) in her OP who would give me or my partner a similar berating for enjoying doing what we enjoyably, lovingly and willingly do with each other. Except in a place like this, I don't discuss or even reveal our kinks to almost anyone. We just enjoy them for what they bring to our lives and relationship. I even have one other kink that I've mentioned here before, apparently quite unusual in prevalance, for a very common article of clothing, that I'd consider my mildest kink. It also gets incorporated into our play above and often our daily lives, but I don't even let that one out except here and to some close friends. I probably wouldn't be berated for it, but it's certainly in a "WTF? Man, I've never heard of that one" category.

I'm far from perfect, but what I am is a very caring doctor, an extremely loving father, and other than my very private sex life, about as vanilla as they come. I'm 63 and probably somewhere in the last 10 years finally made peace with my sexual interests and now just enjoy them quietly as a deeply satisfying part of my sex life. I'm single and profoundly hoping I can find another woman to love and play with for the rest of my life. Nikki, very well written posts and thank you for opening this up for discussion. No complaints here - my partner and I might even enjoy playing sub with you sometime.

A dominatrix provides a service catering to the fetish of her client. So long as the treatment is legal and the sub is satisfied the dom should be as strict as necessary to complete her task.

For example, my personal fetish is buttock injections, for which I sometimes go to a nurse dominatrix. Although she is usually as kind and sympathetic as a real nurse, having specified in advance that I want the shots to be as painful and embarrassing as possible, I often pretend to argue when told to drop trousers, pull down pants and bend over the receptionist's lap just to make her strict with me.

Being on this site has made me very humble and non judgemental. As far as I'm concerned whatever two consenting adults do in the bedroom is beyond anyone's judgement and they should be let to explore and enjoy it.

As to pain during play, it's not for everyone but most people need to understand that both parties desire some element of pain in play. It even in vanilla relationships you find scratching, lip biting etc. Pain can be a great aphrodisiac. I like some pain in my play, but I understand those that don't.

When I was young....I listened to what other children said and did and learned how to act . When little Bobby took little Susie out on Friday night and got past second base, on Monday little Susie cried because Bobby couldn't keep his mouth shut about what he'd done. Little Susie lost her reputation and Bob got no more poon.....I learned....

As I got older, when the little Susie's became big Susies and their taste changed....again, I kept my ears open and my mouth shut. I was getting to do all kinds of weird shit with the Susies that craved something different. I also learned not to judge. I look back and realized that if it involved a woman letting me get her naked...then I didn't judge her needs. I learned that no matter what the situation was, within reason, a ragged breathing, wet, naked woman was pleasing me and it was OK with me. As I got older, I drew a few lines in the sand....and to this day, there are things I won't do....but I don't judge a woman because of her needs. So many men lose really fantastic women because of their judgemental and stupid ways. A woman that can articulate what she wants....that is a woman to enjoy.

If somebody rags me about my kink i will tell them straight up it's a lot more fun to be a pervert than a prude