Feeling Twisted

So I'm having very conflicting emotions and they're making me feel sick and twisted. My grandpa went to the hospital unexpectedly early this morning in cardiac arrest. They brought him back but now they're going to do an angioplasty or angiogram or something. I'm headed up there to see him before he goes under.

On one hand, the bigger hand, I'm so worried about him and am sick really. But there's a small part of me thats excited because I'm going to the hospital, and well, I love medfet!! Please tell me I'm normal. I feel so bad right now!!!

I think your feelings are perfectly normal. I've felt the same way when visiting sick relatives in the hospital. You're right to feel that concern for your grandpa is the most important thing. But...as long as you'll be spending time in the hospital...most of it just waiting around for something to happen...or not happen...you might as well look around and feed your medfet at the same time. I mean, it's not as if you can turn off those feelings just because someone that you care deeply about is in a bad situation. And as I said, every time I've been in a hospital to visit a sick relative, you end up spending so much time waiting around that a little diversion might be a good thing. Be there for your grandpa and the rest of your family and friends, but keep your sanity at the same time.

Your feelings sound perfectly healthy to me. Of course your main concern is for your grandpaw, and that will be true every time you go there to see about him. The hospital itself will not be a place for you to be getting all hot and bothered because of your emotional involvement with gramps. There is an appropriate time for being hot and bothered and that will not be it. After he is home, treat yourself to a visit to the cardiac unit to thank the staff for their work , and you might even take some flowers or cookies to the nurse's station.

Enjoy a hospital visit to tickle your fancy for medfet and who knows, you might even get to enjoy a spontaneous, but discreet, orgasm.

BTW, I've had several angiograms and angioplasties, and they are O.K. and pretty much routine. Good luck.

Thank you enemafan00 and jimmyjohnson. You've made me feel better. Being here and being with grandpa, all my focus was on him and cheering him up. But when he went into the procedure room, I let my mind wander a little and I was able to walk around and talk to some of the nurses and just see things. It was fantastic and I've burned the images into my brain to use for later, but I'm switching focus back again.

Thank you again.

Your perfectly normal

Quite a "normal" reaction...Conflicting emotion being a very natural part of a person when confronted with such heartfelt concern for those we care about in such circumstances......That very same conflict can also form part of a sense of stimulus for some.....That environment of hospital surroundings coupled with that close proximity to visuals, sounds, clinical aromas, items of diagnostic equipment...Even uniformed nursing staff & authoritative cardiological personnel.....Let alone ones own attraction to med-fet all combines in providing fantasy situations. However that can be played out at a later time, as for the greater part we are there out of concern along with support initially & based on diagnosis allay's our doubts /fears when consultations result in positive assessment...... Even though the situation calls for interaction at the time, one can still have reserved feelings which may require "relief" of another kind.....Best wishes & that all goes well.

Thank you @nichty and @ThatAustralian. Things have looked up for grandpa, but he will need a double bypass next week. I was able to observe my medfet desires quietly but be there for family wholeheartedly! Thank you for all you love and support. Xoxo

Dear azsunflowergirl:

My heart goes out to you. Fortunately, for you and your grandfather, heart surgery has progressed over the past several years. Depending upon the age of your grandfather, a double bypass does not require a long time in the hospital. Best of wishes for both of you.

Hey Azsunflowergirl good that you care about your grandpa. What you thought about was nobodies business but your own. I was asked to watch my mom having a coronary angiogram. I was really uptight. My cardiologist who is also my friend did the procedure like Heifetz playing the violin. I was amused to see that her coronaries were bigger than mine were and were totally normal. This is much different than when my father died. I was not in med school yet and was home when he had a cardiac arrest. I performed CPR but was fucked up from it for several years afterward. Hope all is well.

Thank you everyone for your kind words and support. As of 10:00pm MST on 12/28, grandpa is in surgery, they pulled the team in early due to chest pains and low urine output. He's 83, and we're keeping our fingers crossed.

You've all become an extended family. Thank you for keeping me grounded!!!!

Hello azsunflowergirl hope that all goes well with your grandpa bypass surgery. At 83 his recovery time might be a little longer but hopefully smooth. Best wishes for a quick uneventful surgery and recovery.

Assunflowergirl, I'd come straight over there and after I got/gave huge hug/snuggle and then tell you 1 you are not weird, 2 when you see your gf, you will see him as he is. After things are more settled you can cop a look around, bit I doubt you will see anything that excites you.

As some one who has been in critical care medicine you build a defensive wall and don't ever look where you think you shouldn't. You really need a good icu sw to help you through.

Btw expect it all to bother you and good for you for asking

Thank you @superego and RN1993.

Grandpa survived the original surgery but passed later that afternoon. I am at peace with everything that happen- and while it was a horrible thing that he left us, I am not regretting any other feelings or emotions I had while there. This event taught me to embrace all parts of living my life, even this one which stays hidden away most of the time.

Thanks for everyone's prayers and kind words. I feel loved by you all.

I'm very sorry to hear your sad news.

Azsunflowergirl I'm very sorry to hear that your grandpa passed. My condolences at this sad time.

So sorry to hear the bad news.

@ azsunflowergirl -- My Condolences & sympathize with you at this unfortunate loss --Take care m'lady ! 🌹

Thank you all so much for your kind words. I have no words for the love and support you've all shown me. I feel like I've come home joining this site. Thank you again!

Azsunflowergirl,

My heartfelt condolences go out to you and your family over your loss. As all of us, have gone through this, we share your feelings of grief and sorrow. While life is unfair, it teaches us that there is no guarantee of tomorrow, so live each day to its fullest, appreciate what we have, and those around us, and explore the feelings and things you haven't explored yet, while you still have the time and health do it. That way, when you get older, there will be no regrets, just fond memories..

Take care,

Scott

@ master anjinsan --Beautifully put Scott..

@master anjinsan- big hug and peck on the cheek Sir!!! You hit the nail on the head! I am embracing life more, seeking out those things that make feel whole, happy and sexy! Lol. And I will never let a moment pass by without telling people how much I love and care for them. Thank you again!!!

I'm sorry too.

Yes you are loved...very much.

You will find that zity is full of compassionate people. not always compassionate about same things but they also care about other members and thats one reason I truly enjoy coming back to this site the members are wonderful

Azsunflowergirl, I think the important thing is to let yourself feel. Does what you feel have to be normal ? Being honest with yourself about how you feel should come with no worries, as long as it's not harmful to yourself or others. And I think you will find, or have found, that there are people very similar to you in what & how they feel.

@healthly44, thank you so much. You have no idea how much I needed to hear your words today!!!

It looks like your grandfather just decided he had enough suffering and that he "saw/sensed" that you were ok

So it was ok for him to the lay the burden down. Hope you're dealing with grief on your schedule.

Pm me if you want to get in touch.