What about after?

I haven't actually played in real life with a Dom. But I just was a little worried and wondering.. What happens after? I'm tough and I'm sure I could take anything a Dom could dish out to me and probably even enjoy it. But I know I get very sad after being hurt.. So what happens after to make it okay? Does anything?

First, you CANNOT take "anything" a Dom can give. I guarantee it. If you think that way, you're asking for trouble.

The first thing is to become socially acquainted with the Dom and get comfortable as people.

Next, negotiate. It's important that the scene meet and not exceed the expectations of both of you.

When you're comfortable, have the scene, preferably in public, at least use a proper safe call protocol.

ALWAYS play with a safe word, no exception.

After the scene, a responsible Dom will have provide you with after care. That includes quiet, comfort, water and soothing. If you have any injury, he will care for them.

If all of the above isn't happening, safe word and leave.

BTW, if your "Dom" is a 20 - something "master," don't even start.

Hi emmy13. You are quite young to get into the D/s scene. I'm not criticizing you, just stating facts. The things said by Jds4med are correct but may not go far enough. Do not get involved with a Dom whom you do not know very well. Talk to his friends if he will let you, if he will not let you talk to his friends, run, don't walk, away from him. Spend a lot of time on "vanilla" dates, no hanky-panky on these dates and a lot of talk. If, after many dates and talk about life in gerneral and speaking to his friends, you still feel comfortable, take it to a different level of conversation.

Speake about his desires as a Dom. Keep asking around the question until you get a straight answer! If you get so much as one "bad feeling" get out! Talk to him about what he expects of you as his sub and keep digging until you feel comfortable. Remember, one "bad feeling" can turn into serious physical and psychological harm, be careful. Then question him about follow up care after a session as his sub. Be sure that you understand that you will need and want care and that he is not only willing but eager to give it.

Read up on D/s and on follow up care; this is important! You have to know where this may lead.

After all of the above, if you feel 100% confident that he has your best interst at heart, go into the subject of "safe words" very carefully. Be careful if he has mentioned gagging or blindfolding you, these activities can lead to serious harm. Then, if you are completely satisfied, discuss your first session, location, length, bondage etc and be sure that he will not go one step beyond what you agree on!

Again, if all the above is OK with you, try a first session but let a friend know what you will be doing, with whome, where and when. From then on, I hope that you develope a comfortable, safe relationship.

After a scene or *playtime* your dominant would do after care...in a variety of ways...its the pillow talk of BDSM whether is cuddles or a bath holding ect. the risk you have of playing is, it is just like a drug...all those endorphins makes you high and the crash back to earth can be hard...and not just immediately after but days after- especially if you dotn live with the Dom or playpartner. there is something called sub drop. Kinda depression associated with separation after play and it can be very serious. but if You with the right person and they worth the title *sir* you be fine...I always say the hardest part of this lifestyle is finding a good partner. BDMS is about chemistry

I am not a dom at this point just a very curious observer. I have researched this lifestyle and play style at more than a cursory level/ While there are many different opions I findmany have a well deifined regimine of what is termed After Care. Although often ignored in writings, videos, and photos of D/s posts, websites and conversations, I see this as a critical piece of the play. When I contemplate my actions as the D in a D/s relationship I would hope their could be just as much--or perhaps more--an emotional connection in the after care portion as ther is in teh dominance portion. Don't most people like someone to kiss and make it all better? Just my opinion.

All such rides properly have foreplay and afterplay in balances as parts of the whole scene,

That's as it NEEDS to be for most- if not all folks wanting the best of suchlike. Getting into the scene- living the ride- coming back to here&now so to speak.

Magic lives in teaching each other all the Never_Stop moments along the way. When your whole world melts it's priceless and it can be moresp on a good night.

I haven't actually played in real life with a Dom. But I just was a little worried and wondering.. What happens after? I'm tough and I'm sure I could take anything a Dom could dish out to me and probably even enjoy it. But I know I get very sad after being hurt.. So what happens after to make it okay? Does anything?

Please, plead ignorance due to a lack of experience on this one.

I promise you cannot take whatever they can dish out and enjoy it. You couldn't take what I could dish out with one hand tied behind my back, and I also promise you wouldn't enjoy it. Be very careful. Start slowly and use a safe word. "OWWWW, PLEASE STOP" ISN'T A SAFEWORD.

You can always ask for more after you see how your body responds, both emotionally during and after, and to the broken, bleeding skin, welts and black and blue marks during and after. If you ask for too much at the outset, you will be sorry. There is always the next time for another go-around. Having your Dom give you too much may also cause significant guilt on his part for injuring you.

Your Dom must be a person you know well and completely trust. Remember, if you are restrained, you are a sitting duck and anything can be done to you.

AFTER the scene, you and your Dom should spend close intimate [intimate does not necessarily mean sex] time with each other where you are nurtured and made to feel loved and secure.

Finally see all the threads in the section on safety and "Meeting Others."

http://www.zity.biz/index.php?mx=forum;ox=showboard;board=262.0

Yes, I guarantee you that I can give you more than you can take. Absolutely, no question. I'd enjoy the process, but not the aftermath.

Because I'm a responsible Top, I wouldn't. When I play with a new partner, there's always discussion with the two of us on equal footing. There's always a safe word that's EASY TO REMEMBER (I usually use RED) and an alternative for non-verbal situations. I always have food and water nearby as well as a blanket or other wrap. I always take early sessions easy until the two of us know each other's style and limits. I ALWAYS spend quality time with my bottom until I'm sure they're comfortable and aware.

If I take my bottom too far, and yes I have (not intentionally), we both feel like shit later. The saving grace is that we both know that it was an accident. We kiss and make up. If you don't have that kind of relationship, don't push it, and don't allow him to. Remember that the bottom is the one really in charge.

. . . . Remember that the bottom is the one really in charge.

It's nice to hear someone besides myself saying that.

So many "master doms" think it's the other way around.

They are the ones you have to watch out for.

Personally, I don't identify as a Dom and I'm not arrogant enough to claim to be a master (except bator). I call myself a sadistic Top-Switch. This also lets me see things from both sides.

I can't tell you how many 'Doms' I've meet who have no idea what it feels like to be flogged or whipped or..... How can you do something to others that you can't imagine?

If you think of D/s like I do, then it should be a relationship and it should be the intent of both parties to be together for a long time. This means, you both take care of each other just like a vanilla relationship. If this is the case, then the dominant will know how to properly provide aftercare because he wants to you feel safe with him and understand you didn't do anything wrong (unless it's punishment... then, you might get a lecture on how this was for your own good and how you weren't meant to enjoy it, and if you don't want to experience that kind of pain again, then he suggests you don't fuck up again. Period.)...

If you think of D/s like a one night stand, you are in big trouble and should probably not even be playing with anyone for fear of serious injury (mentally and/or physically) or death. Yeah, it does happen. Think of this.. if you were having a one night stand, would you give that guy a key to your house and tell him where you live? No, I don't think so... a one night stand is all about risk... it's gutsy, it's thrilling in the moment, it's spontaneous, and... some will say it's stupid. But, if you're going to do it anyway, then don't put yourself at anymore risk than necessary, you know? One night stands don't deserve to know you're kinky secrets... they haven't earned that right yet. I could go on about the other side of this (the fear fetish and such) but it would just make things confusing... so, random careless play sessions are not acceptable behavior if you are worried about being left a physical and mental mess. Protect yourself and seek the "relationship" type dominant.

For the D/s relationship to be healthy, you have to have (Rule #1) communication and the rest should follow... good communication is the basis for every single "good" relationship out there. 😉

(I have to admit though, when I hear people say the bottom/submissive is really the one in charge, it just absolutely makes me cringe with disgust... but, then... I take my D/s in a little different flavor than most and to each his/her own, right? But seriously, if you want to control the situation, then go ahead... be the dominant. If you really want to be submissive to someone? Then you surrender and sacrifice. There is no manipulation and controlling from the bottom for a true submissive. Ugh! I know, that statement isn't politically correct or socially acceptable, but it's reality. If you really have to control from the bottom? I feel you're just playing a game and you're not really serious about your role. BUT, it's just my 2 cents... don't hate me for my opinions.)

soumise

It's always been my understanding that there is a time reserved for you to return from 'sub space.' when there's closeness, comfort, kindness and concern from the Dom/me. i would imagine that would be something you would discuss with your playmate, along with your hard limits and negotiable things. as well as your safeword. hope that helps.

D/s, BDSM, S/m, marriage, boyfriend/girlfriend...well you get the idea. They are all relationships no matter how 'serious' it gets. Like any ship, it is not worth much if it sits at the pier. It should be going somewhere, and like any other ship, it takes a crew with loads of communication among them. One or two or many, the ship will sink if the entire crew isn't on board for what's about to happen.

Communicate!

You can not take everything a Dom might do. Estabish your boundaries and have a safe word.

I think the dom should show. How much he loves his sub. But it will depend on the relationship of the two

To me it seems that you are confusing dom and sadist (not to forget lazy tops!)i would suggest you think carefully about what you actually want as there is no point looking for a dom if you really want a sadist etc then when you know what you want look for that type of person and never forget in the BDSM world you should never submit to someone until you know and trust them

Aftercare is crucial, without it, I crash. I prefer to be wrapped up in a special blanket and held by my Dom.

Emmy, you are special and must be treated that way. Even if you need a punishment, you must be treated as special, and immediately after the punishment your dom must give your comfort. Any dom who disagrees is not a dom to whom you should submit.

As a newbie, enter play in small steps, and take care of your safety as described in prior posts. Make contact with other subbies and collect their wisdom / experience. You will learn what submission works for you and what doesn't. Negotiate it fully with your partners, and realize that you are the ONLY one who gets to say how you play.

This post started 1 1/2 years ago. All of the advice has been wonderful, and certainly can assist others who are in the same boat. So, although much could have happened, it is still a good reference on her. And there are words on other sites that can help the newbie sub to learn.

Learning is one of the important parts of the D/s dynamic. Learning what your limits are, what you want to take, what makes you excited, and what makes you happy. It CAN be about pushing your boundaries, with someone who is mindful of your sensitivies, concious of the state you are in, and can take care of you (as has been mentioned below) in the after-care.

So, I wonder what has happened to Emmy in this time. Any real life (RL) experiences. Has she learned anything about herself? And had some delicious exchanges?

We are enquiring, but also caring individuals on this forum. Who want to encourage others in exploring their particular interests, whether enemas, metfet, bondage, or other things that excite.

I'm just going to necro this post and add, OP's view of BDSM isn't uncommon. It took talking to a Dom and specifically asking him what happened when a scene ended, to learn about it--the years before that? I just figured Dom walked off and left his sub sobbing in the pillory, cleaned the blood off his cane, and possibly fixed himself a relaxing martini. As you can probably imagine, I took my time phrasing the question to avoid asking if he acted exactly like that, in case he did/it was consensual/I'd hurt his feelings by implying it was dickish. >_