I just reread my post of 2.22.13 and realized a brief clarification is in order. I telescoped several disparate observations and critiques only later to realize clarity got lost in the shuffle. All of what follows is meant to be helpful; none of these comments is meant to be hurtful. (These comments are about amateur Mommies, not professionals.)
In my experience, a Dommy Mommy usually will want to do more than change a diaper. She will often want (or only know how or be equipped) to dominate a man and to objectify him as a sub, not as an adult-baby or diaper-lover, which means she might be willing to change diapers, as well as to administer enemas or suppositories or take a temperature rectally, but she will also usually desire (or even seek to require) some measure of bondage or spanking or blindfolding or humiliation or strap-on in order to satisfy her needs as well as her sub's. (Longer-term partners sometimes incorporate chastity and other related fetishes.) For me, those tendencies have been discomfiting and even unhealthy, even though I do enjoy some forms of submissive play, because I have my hard limits when it comes to diapering (no punishment for wetting or messing, for example), and those limits are often at odds with what the Domme wants and expects. For emotional reasons stemming from abuse, I find it upsetting and destructive to be excessively or hurtfully dominated. I have known sadistic Dommes, and they just had no capacity for compassion, let alone for true nurturing diaperplay, be it nice or naughty or somewhere in between. I do respect the D/s relationship, but when Dommes write or speak of dredging up "compassion" for a diapered sub (which is reminiscent of the sad reality of having to "negotiate" aftercare -- hard to imagine, but true) -- when they lack the real-life capacity for love and nurturing and caring, and don't really like me or diapering me or diapers in general -- then I know I'm in the wrong department. Many Dommes I have known have been like this: they view diapering as part of their armamentarium of weapons to use against me, and that just doesn't work for me. I do love that Dommes are good at offering and guiding release when appropriate -- they are skilled in this way -- but, speaking strictly personally, that doesn't make up for the inability to love, to care, to nurture, the essential, wholesome, life-affirming need for which lies at the heart of my diaper fetish. In a nutshell, Dommes and Dommy Mommies can be more open-minded and sexually adept than nurturing Mommies, but they can lack the desire, willingness, or capacity to be caring and nurturing, or to embrace or even to grasp the wondrous loving and bonding and learning that can occur when Mommy diapers her adult boy.
By contrast, I've found that the very few self-styled "nurturing" Mommies I've encountered have been even more dangerous to my emotional well-being that were the Dommies, because they pretended to care about me, whereas most Dommes didn't care or couldn't care less about me but were at least up-front about that. (I have had my heart broken by a Domme who pretended truly to care about me but didn't, which of course was extremely painful. Such is the curse of being beguiled by a narcissistic sadist.) But those Mommies who truly were nurturing tended to want adult-babies, not diaper-lovers, and insisted in their own way (not as Dommes, but as role playing partners) that the play be non-sexual. Well, because of my imprinting with Pampers outside the household from infancy through toddler hood, that doesn't work for me either. Of course I love being nurtured, but there is no artificial divide between that and being sexually stimulated to orgasm as an adult during diaper-change. An adult-baby can want sexual stimulation, and a diaper-lover can want nurturing. And many ab/dl's are not masochists or submissives or even bottoms. Some enjoy regular sexual intercourse and oral sex and anal sex on top with their Mommies, with or without the diapers. I do (when I'm lucky enough to have a loving female partner), although I do enjoy some submissive and bottom play and I do love being spanked (my other hard-wired fetish besides diapers -- the only time I ever enjoy any kind of pain). I do love that nurturing Mommies enjoy diapering (many Dommes hate it, and they make no bones about that), and can be kind and gentle and tender, but they can be sexually inexperienced or somewhat closed-minded when it comes to release or the diaper fetish and its relations (fetishes for the diaper-pail, for powder and ointment, for RT's or enemas or suppos). In a nutshell, nurturing Mommies can be more adoring and can "Pamper" better than Dommy Mommies, but they can in their own way be closed-minded, doctrinaire, or even dictatorial about release as somehow illegitimate or dehors the diapering experience, and they can be somewhat non-sexual or even asexual in their diapering. That is fine for many, but is too limited for me. (I've even had nurturing or would-be nurturing Mommies tell me I'm "not doing it right," which strikes me not only as absurd but as awfully presumptuous, considering I've had an erotic diaper fetish from my earliest days and since have spent more than four decades in and out of every size, kind, shape, type, and style of diaper imaginable.)
I write about my own experiences not out of selfish motives, or merely to offer my bona fides, but to answer the question presented -- or at least to offer a methodology for doing so, and for finding what one needs. Though in general I eschew labels and appellations, and view behaviors along a spectrum, I must stress that the difference between ab/dl diapering and bdsm diapering (just to use shorthand) can be much more than one of degree: it can be a difference of kind, a fundamental difference, a world of difference. The key is not so much the behaviors engaged or indulged in, or the paraphernalia of fetishism, but the mindset. I don't ever judge anyone for their orientation, preferences, kinks, fetishes, or other erotic or amative or genitive wants or desires or needs. However, speaking strictly personally, I do judge erotic or romantic or platonic behavior when it is hurtful to me. I forgive, and I try not to judge the woman who has harmed me, but to love her instead in a wholesome way (as a matter of faith), but some of us "diaper people," as the late Naughty Elf dubbed us and himself, are such because of what we enjoyed or, sadly, endured during childhood. We can be vulnerable. To exploit that vulnerability during adult diaper-play in a cold, predatory, uncaring way can cause us real and even permanent harm, and can cause those of us who were abused to recoil from that harm and even to lash out involuntarily, as an infantile self-defense mechanism. (My kindred with anxiety and PTSD may know whereof I speak.) So it important before we recline or are placed on the changing-table (or the bed, or the mat, or the rug -- or on the spanking-table, or in restraints, or on the floor of a dungeon) that we know ourselves and our needs and limits and, to the extent we can know them in a useful and healthy way, the geneses of our diapering needs and of our adult "maternal" needs in general. Only in that way can we hope to find who and what we need, and to stay healthy and happy and safe in the process.
It's easier to find a Dommy Mommy than a nurturing Mommy, but that doesn't mean that they are fungible. I do view behaviors along a spectrum. But sometimes, Dommes view and use diapers in ways that are problematic for some of us adult-babies and diaper-lovers who need to preserve the innocence of diapers -- who need acceptance of wetting and messing and of ourselves during diaper-change. I respect healthy subs (those who can give meaningful informed consent) who want diaper domination, and I can see the appeal and even find it erotic, sometimes, from a distance, but when it comes to diapers, I love the nurturing adult Mommy who uses diapers not to control or to punish, but to console and to reward and to comfort and to stimulate in a realm of innocence and shameless regressive discovery and exploration and bonding between adults. Sometimes, bonding and bondage don't mix. So knowing what you want helps you to find what you want. That seems truismatic, but when you look around for thirty years and realize how prevalent dominant diapering is, how rare nurturing diapering is, and how duplicitous both forms of diapering can be without love, it makes you realize that maybe diapering can be found, and might just find its apotheosis, its ultimate expression, in a loving relationship with transformative elements of therapeutic identification reparenting. In other words, the question has no abstract answer, and no empirical answer, except in the truth of making the right connection with the right person -- which is hard to do in any context, unless one is blessed with good fortune, which none of us, not even those ensorcelling thamaturgical temptresses, can control.
I wish everyone the diapering of their dreams. There is no need to hurt someone's feelings or wound someone's psyche for sexual pleasure. Love is the sine qua non. Without love in the dream, it will never come true. Peace.