When does a relationship need terminating?

This is really addressed to subs, but perhaps some Dom/mes will have some insight to this situation as well. Have you ever been in a relationship where your Dominant's treatment of you caused you to consider terminating the relationship?

What's caused me to raise the question is not any sort of physical abuse or breaking hard limits, ignoring a safe word all of which would be obvious reasons to tell the Dom to take a hike. Rather it's a lack of attention to the sub - little or no contact for several weeks, as well as lack of attention to the sub's needs and expressed concerns in a new relationship. All of that, plus a very sharp learning curve for a "green" sub, has resulted in a high frustration level and questioning whether or not to pursue the relationship or to terminate it.

If you've been in this kind of situation, what did you do? Did you address your concerns with your Dom/me? How? How was it received if you did? If you terminated the relationship, how did you handle that?

(and no, Sir and i are just fine. This is something i've been thinking about recently.)

My two cents worth........

I screwed up my relationship with an identical issue!

The point is that in a relationship where your needs are well known in advance and your Dom ignores that fact; then it's time for you to be looking for another source of satisfaction for your needs. Period! I as a Dom made the same fatal mistake, while I thought I was busy enough to justify a lack of attention to my sub. And to make matters worse, she was also having some concerned health issues.

After a year of our being split up, I am still reeling with the empty feeling of loosing her! She was my soul mate, my best friend, my incredible lover, and my confidant. I will always suffer the loss!!!

I have been in this situation.I was made to feel everything was my fault....everything from his sinus problems to his work conditions. He barely looked at me much less anything else. By mistake I found he was seeing other women...something he denied even with proof. I could handle his "girlfriends" but I couldn't handle the lies. To me once the trust is broken the relationship is over. If you can't trust someone to be honest how could you truly trust them with your safety and well being?I am submissive not mindless.

Long story short... while he was away on a business trip I packed his things and told him to go. He was determined to stay but not as determined as I was to have him leave.

This was heart wrenching for me. I loved him!I wanted his attention... I needed his love and acceptance, I truly thought we were soul mates. I am not the one who ended the relationship. I just cut us both free from it.

Know it or not....it is ultimately your life!You are responsible! Don't squander away your days on earth being unhappy...no matter the type relationship you are involved.

I wish my Dom was more attentive to my needs outside of our scenes. Keeps reminding me that I have one purpose. To please him. Nothing makes me happier but I crave more attention. Simple text a day would be so appreciated but I know won't happen.

Should I walk away? The thought makes me nauseated.

Maybe I'm out of touch with how it is supposed to work...

I think that that if you are being taken advantage of without your needs being addressed then it is time to move on.

Even in a dom/sub relationship, I feel that there should be give and take. Within a given a day my partner or I may fulfill the role more than the other. It's great because on any given day, there may be a time when one of us deserves to be put in our place. When I read posts like those from kate (not trying to single her out) I feel like there is a lacking intimacy that is dangerous or sad. With any relationship there is a communication of needs. Even if you are a sub, you have needs that you deserve to have met. I like it when my partner takes control and I look forward to her penetrating me more fully and deeply in the future, but it's a gradual transition and it is balanced by me pleasing her.

If any partner, dom/sub/otherwise isn't fulfiling your need, then I suggest exploring other options. I don't want to call out on person specifically, but it sounds like kate needs attention, just like her dom does. When it comes to anal play for me, I want it to be both ways. Others might feel differently when it comes to any variety of play. Everybody deserves pleasure, whether dom/sub, top/bottom, female/male, hole/no hole 😜 Pleasure should be universal across parts and orifices 😃

The #1 Rule of ANY relationship is Communication. If, for some reason, you cannot communicate with your partner, the relationship is not worth having. If you have to worry about bringing up something 'touchy' that will annoy your partner and you fear severe consequences, the relationship is not worth having. Open and free, polite, and sometimes intense communication is necessary in any relationship worth persuing. With communication, your partner will know your needs, they will know you feel neglected, and have the opportunity to correct or ignore the issue. Your partner may also choose to communicate back and tell you WHY your needs haven't been met the way YOU feel they should be. This does happen, especially when the submissive needs to learn she is not the only important thing in the dominants life. If you have communication, you can build trust and this is the foundation that everything else is built on.

Every relationship is different but Rule #1 stands firm in every single successful relationship out there. If you don't have communication, then you already don't have a relationship.

This is a topic I really need help with myself. My aitua

The first time he tied me to the rafters in his apartment the Rolling Stones You Can"t Always Get What You Want was playing. Everytime I heard that song I would get so excited. Now I hear it and cry.

Yes my relationship makes me very sad. It has consumed so much of my time this past year and it wasn't always like this.

In the beginning it was amazing. Saw him 2-3 times a week. Texted every day. All the orders and commands were a part of my everyday.

Then it slowly started to change. Saw him less...i will be there next, got tied up a few more days, got busy again, next week....and so on.

Texts were less frequent and the requests for me to do things, send pictures, make a video...

That really hurts. I can feel the difference. Four or five days will pass with no contact at all. The last time that happened i texted him that i couldn't do this anymore. It wasn't enough. His respond was "you are so silly".

Four words and i was totally in again. I would have given in anyway.

i have been feeling really lousy and have no one to talk to. No one knows about this part of my life. Always went on this site to read he nasty stories but one day started reading the posts. I couldn't believe what a shitty relationship i was in and how different it could and should be. I was jealous. That is what i want and deserve.

I am going to end it. And my advice is listen to your head, not your pussy and end it. Don't waste time and tears like i did.

Kate, I know some of the women sharing with you, Soumise when through hell. And, they are giving you some pretty good information, coupled with insight to their own, and similar background experiences.

One thing I learned early in business, was to take to heart the bad experiences the other guy had, so I would not do that to myself.

First things first... Step back for a week or two, or four, or eight, and see how you feel. Let the pain of loss wash over you, and allow yourself to get inside of your own psyche, to discern what is really going on with this guy.

We can all share our feelings with you, but you have to come to a realization of/on your own, and then act.

Good night; God bless.

Hermann

To Kate and all the others wondering about whether a relationship should end. I heard somethng once, it didn't specifically mention D/s, but I think it still applies. "The one man worth your tears is the one man that would never make you cry."

To everyone who has offered advice and support to me •- thank you so much.

Thought I had no one to talk to about this relationship. I was so wrong.

Your friendship is much appreciated and needed. Best of luck to everyone else in my situation

Thanks Goldbug for the quote. Hope you don't mind me posting it again. Thought it was worth repeating....

"The one man worth your tears is the one man who would never make you cry"

I have a woman friend who goes through this same thing with 2 or 3 men at a time. She's vanilla, and could never work for me, but I love her as a friend. She wants that one relationship more than anything. She goes along with these guys until they do the backing off act, then she sends them away. Sadly, a few months, or a year later, the guy calls and she caves. That's why she has so many men in her life. I've told her time and again to move on. None of these guys will ever give her what she wants. She agrees, but,,,,,,,,,,

It's sad for all of us, but when it's not working the chances are, it never will.

I feel bad for your friend...at least normal relationships, however much the breakup hurts, are somewhat easy to replace.

"special ones" are more difficult. Most men will share a glass of wine and a movie. How many will share an enema and oaddle...

@Kate

"Special" relationships are, indeed difficult to replace. If one has that "special" connection, it must be both cherished and fostered......lest it be lost.

Men do not know what they have till it’s gone. The best treatment is giving them the same in return. If they ignore you simply return the favor and ignore them, it will drive them nuts not having you anymore. There are plenty of people out there who will treat a person right. if you are not being treated right and have made your thoughts and feelings clear and you still are not being respected, or given time to spend together. then it is time to walk away. time is wasting on a man who does not really care and in the meantime you might be passing a good thing up with someone else. I had to cut my don off when he cheated and chose to continue to play with her because he liked the power trip. its been over 3 months and there are times I am tempted to at least tease him on what he is missing but he is not worth it.

Both of my D/s relationships ended due to lying and cheating of the male parts.

I simply do not accept that I, as a submissive woman, have to trust my safety and well-being to a Dominant man, who keeps other relationships hidden from me.

@Constança: Sorry you were subjected to that needless mistreatment. You are absolutely right about trust, safety, well-being, and honesty as essential to a relationship. No man should lie to or cheat on a woman -- no matter whether the relationship is monogamous and romantic or exclusive and D/s or both. I admire your self-respect. Your name bespeaks your fidelity.

@Kate: Sorry you had a rough time. I empathize with you. I relate in particular to the allegation of fatuity unfairly levelled against you. Please remember: the heart has its reasons whereof reason knows nothing (Blaise Pascal). Best wishes for a happier summer.

Sometimes it seems relationships implode no matter what or how we try to keep them alive. Sometimes the termination is inevitable. That makes it more tragic, not less. To paraphrase Greil Marcus on Lester Bangs's untimely demise, that a relationship was pretermitted does not make it less meaningful; that a relationship was pretermitted means the relationship was painful. Personally, I die for love ("Railroad Boy"), so I am willing to put everything on the line when I'm convinced (rarely, but it happens) that I've found my female soulmate. But if someone is unwilling to do that in return, then the relationship will die quickly unless somehow those involved can come to some compromised terms of engagement. Now, you may want that exceptional domination -- long for it, burn for it, turn it over in your mind without end in fevered lucubrations. But that cannot conquer a desire for love; love conquers all. So if you can't compromise and can't tolerate being disrespected or unloved, then that's when your heartaches begin. Better to suffer without someone special than to suffer with them, for them, or, worst of all, by their hand.

I will write that I have had to address the issue as a submissive switch and adult-diaperboy of a dominant woman's desiring to control my thoughts and feelings and to inhabit them to the point of inhibiting them dehors the boundaries of the D/s relationship -- and sometimes even before I've agreed to be submissive in the first place! I mean that some Dommes (or Dommy Mommies) seek to dominate me in real-life -- all the time, nonconsensually, as a matter of course. This is anathema to me despite my submissive nature, which resides in its querencia neatly bounded and guarded. I am a strong-willed, emotionally mature man; for that reason precisely I benefit from voluntary, consensual submission and planned immaturity (diapering and nurturing or submissive regression) at the right time and in the right place. I have no quarrel with those who seek permanent servitude, but I am not that way, and it has been fatal to certain relationships that I have been sought to be dominated by sadistic women who see me as weak and in need of humiliation and punishment when I am not a masochist and revile such treatment and need love always no matter the naughtiness committed. Submission should not be equated with, conflated with, or taken for weakness or self-abnegation; not all diaperboys, spankees, or subs are masochists; we are all of us unique yet deserving of respect. And that takes me back to Constança's point, which to me is the best point of all.

Sorry for the diatribe -- df

Yes, i was once in the situation that the idea (back in the day when i was collard) did cross my mind- I didn't act on it, it wasn't abuse it wasn't anything bad- it incompatibility i would *label it* He had a kink that i had no interest in. in fact it turn me off sexually- and i thought. i cant do this, if he insist..it would end.

DiaperFriendly,

Your reply was beautiful and heartfelt. I think it also applies to all types of relationships.

Well done, a bump in karma for you.

SweetKissesToo

When we receive little or no attention it worths to ask why and try to improve the relation.

If we have no success ,i believe that we have to say thank you and leave.

All the best

@skt: Thanks so much for your kind, thoughtful, and genuine comments, made both publicly and privately, and so helpfully, selflessly, and graciously expressed. I appreciate your approbation, your intelligent, perceptive insights, and your consideration very much indeed. You are a bright light in this community, and everyone is better off for your presence. In short, you are a lovely person, and I think highly of you, though I do not know you well.

Please know that though hardship and enforced, involuntary isolation exacerbate depression and lead to despair (and I am speaking only about myself in this regard, though of course I feel for all those who experience these travails and privations too, in one form or another), faith abides these downturns and the seemingly endless variations of cruel behavior we endure from others, despite our best efforts to avoid such behavior. My private and public comments sometimes do evince despair, and fatalistic gloom, but please know that I mean only to be honest and helpful, and that I believe wholeheartedly in love and in the redemptive power of faith. So thanks for your caring, and please know that I mean not to burden you or anyone else with lugubrious sorrow.

In this connection, I am put in mind of the climax of William Faulkner’s speech upon accepting the Nobel Prize for Literature in Stockholm on December 10, 1950. He wrote:

“I decline to accept the end of man. . . . I believe that man will not merely endure; he will prevail. He is immortal, not because he alone among creatures has an inexhaustible voice, but because he has a soul, a spirit capable of compassion and sacrifice and endurance. The poet’s, the writer’s, duty is to write about these things.”

It is with this exhortation in mind that I try, in my modest way, to write honestly and from the heart about love and sexual healing as a remedy for internal suffering and as a way towards self-expression, fulfillment, and communion with others.

Your decency and friendliness are meaningful and welcome. I have confidence that you will find in your present circumstances that which you are seeking, for it is positive and wholesome, and so are you. I should close by stating that wholesomeness and positivity and sharing the milk of human kindness are to my mind key to success in any relationship. When trust or respect or mutual caring are wanting, their absence bodes ill for the enduring future of any meaningful and enriching interaction. Even different loving still calls for love.

Thanks for being kind and friendly and caring. Feel free to reply privately should you wish to; I will take no offense should you not. Either way, I wish you all the best. --df

Too often the attention that a sub is not getting is reflective of a form of punishment (intentional or not) and is truly a lack on the part of the Dom to fulfill his responsibility. If a sub is not getting the attention that they need, then, perhaps it is time to move on. This is why concept of domsinance is more involved than many think. It is a great responsibility to be able to satisfy the sub in many ways, and giving him/her the attention that is necessary is something that is learned as the relationship progresses.

I have always wanted to be tied up and gaged and punished with a strapon then after pounding my ass she ties my balls up and gives me a nice big enema

A relationship I think is past its point when it is not rewarding for both parties. When it becomes one sided it is time to quit.

No doubt about it, surgedoc !

I wholeheartedly concur with surgedoc and TeddyBearTX that the time to call it quits is when the relationship ceases to be mutually beneficial!

Everyone seems to have the right idea, if it's one sided, it's time to talk it out as equals.

Communication is key between the Dom/mes and the sub. Any good Dom/me knows that the sub is always in control. Once that control is breached then its time for the relationship to end.

If your dom can't invest the quality time in the relationship then I would suggest that you take charge and decide how much time a week he needs to dedicate to this relationship and share the detail with him.. In addition..Average out the pros and cons.. Is he/she respectful,time invested in the relationship,sharing similar overall goals.. Ask yourself what you need out of this relationship to feel satisfied then either talk to him or write him a letter/email to share your feelings. If you aren't on the same page page it's time to walk away .. Also, It never hurts to flirt with anyone else in the meantime.

Getting no attention was the reason I told my Dom whom was my wife that we were no longer going to live this type of lifestyle. Later I told my sister about what my wife and I had done and why I ended it. My sister had a different idea and view of what was happening. My sister told me my wife was doing what a dom wants denying attention was her prerogative.

When I was an online Dom my cd sub was always wanting his/her penis caged or restricted I told him/her I was in charge stop asking then I would punish my sub.