Oh Yeah to B/D, Maybe Not to S/M???

Have tried allowing myself to be restrained, like totally, a few times lately and find it incredibly erotic. Terrifying, anticipatory, vulnerable, indefensible, arousing--just some of the feelings I'm aware of when tied or strapped or in some way forced not to move while in whatever position. Especially when my partner then uses me, sexually in some way, it's absolutely Hard-On City! Lately I've been letting guys experiment with a little pain. Just here and there and nothing heavy. I find it makes the excitement increase by about 10X, I get so aroused I could loose it without touching myself! Have I discovered that I'm a masochist or is this normal, most people's usual experience under these conditions? I'm still searching for my sexual "niche," want to be certain before I commit to something. I find it tiresome, rings false to call some guy "Master" for an entire evening, but being submissive to a Dominant Alpha Male is something else entirely. If he controls me with his attitude, actions, physical restraints, then trains and/or punishes me, it's so damn hot! I enjoy leather a lot! but if a man is dressed by Sears yet has the right aura, the Alpha qualities that make him perhaps a quiet but Dominant, self-assured Top, no leather need be present except perhaps for shoes and belts (!) This is a tough call. I know I like bondage, but am afraid to commit to S&M because I'm afraid to disappoint, anger or disgust my Top if I woos out, can't take what he dishes. So I'm standing on the sidelines, watching and wishing, but not knowing my limits and having no man I know of to train me or test me.

Part of me wants to be totally restrained, have a Top ignore my safe word, whip my naked back and buttocks, have him molest me sexually, perhaps have him do something like FF me though I've not yet done that, let me scream into a gag, cry and beg, totally release my nervous and self-survival energy, then have it be okay at the end because he's a sane and competent teacher. Is this weird or a dangerous fantasy? I'd appreciate suggestions, personal experiences, offers?

Thanks.

You NEVER want a Top-Dom/Domme-Master/Mistress to ignore your safe word. Never. If He/She does that you may not "have it be okay at the end" and He/She is NOT a "sane and competent teacher." One who is sane and competent will know your limits and push them to help you get what you need, but not cross those limits if you use your safe word.

You need to also have in mind that the safe word is a word that stop all play immediately for the safety of the sub. Most subs do not use a safe word lightly, as the Dominant will stop all play immediately and not resume any time soon, unless they do not practice Safe,Sane, Consensual which is a good standard practice by all involved in BDSM.

I think women need safe words but men dont (unless they are playing with another man). If a man wants to stop a woman all he has to do is get up and leave unless he is also playing with bondage.

My hart stopped when i read your post. feels like just the other day i was the one posting your words...i had a fear of being with a Dom that would *hurt* me.~ grins~ i changed my mind since than...i have been awoken~ smack look~ my advice to you would:

1. Never pick a partner that ignores your safe word. Safe words are there for a reason, your life can depend on it. That sent out all kinds of alarm. In BDSM they have a credo~SSC. safe, sane, consensual, and you need to honor this code. It should become something that matters to you..and to your partner.

2. There is a kink in this lifestyle that you don't get to pick a safeword. it call TPE - Total power exchange. It is mostly found in Master/slave relationships...not just in a *play scene* that requires a extreme amount of trust and commitment.if that is something you desire. Value the offering your willing to make, pick someone that is worthy of that gift, and that will always have your best interest at heart, even if you want to live with out limits of your own. You would comply to His limits and....HIS hard limits should make you feel safe.

3.The best way to overcome fear and uncertainties in this lifestyle, it to actually experience it.weather in virtual or real life. I would recommend instead of finding a Master find Mentor first. Someone that doesn't play with you but can guide you....someone with credentials and references from others that knows him. They can lay a foundation of ethics for you.

BDSM is a beautiful craft and way of life. It is a powerful tool that can unleash inner strength like you never thought possible. You surrender a treasured gift, that should be offerd to a worthy Dom/Master that can offer you the wings to fly...

be safe~have fun~keep it kinky!!

here is something worth reading

http://fc02.deviantart.net/fs50/f/2009/263/8/9/The_Acid_Tests_for_Dominants_by_doktorspankenstein.html

It coud have been me posting this, until she got to ignoring the safe word. I feel the desire and the 'want' to submit to another, to have all control taken out of my hands. But something is holding me back from seeking that person out. What if I don't have what it takes afterall? What if I'm an utter disappointment? I'm confused.....

But something is holding me back from seeking that person out. What if I don't have what it takes afterall? What if I'm an utter disappointment? I'm confused.....

You can't think that way. If you start over thinking the situation you'll never let yourself give into it. Top/bottom relationship is just like any relationship. You start slow, learn about each other and take it one step at a time. There is no "jump in perfect" situation. Like anything it takes work. My wife and I have been together for 15 years and it always been a bed of roses.

"Part of me wants to be totally restrained, have a Top ignore my safe word, is this weird or a dangerous fantasy?"

It is a fantasy that could get you in to a lot of trouble. You can negotiate an escalating scene with a Top who if She/He is competent can take you to very high levels of pain with out freaking you out or freaking you out if that's what you want. You can negotiate screaming in to a gag and crying begging for mercy only to be ignored. You can take it as far as you want BUT you have to have a safeword and no competent Top would agree to play with out one or ignore it's use.

Too many things can go wrong that are unrelated to the scene being played out.

In reference to the safeword being ignored, if you were gagged, you would be unable to speak it anyway, right? So the safeword is being ignored... you are just not told it's being ignored. You should always have a 'safe signal' set up for times you are gagged. Depending on how you are restrained, it could be something as simple as snapping your fingers or stomping your foot. If you cannot do that, as I've found myself in those situations before, you might be able to shake or nod your head a certain way, or make a grunting noise in a certain pattern/rythem as the safeword.

Also, there is another type of play called 'Consentual Non-Consent', which I have done with my former Master but only during year 3 of our 4 year relationship. I would not suggest this type of play by anyone in a new relationship or one with little or no communication. Also, if you do not have an extremely close BOND, do not play this way. There has to be 100% trust and full communication in addition to the FULL understanding of the amount of RISK you are about to take. No one can stop you from playing this way, but I will not sit here and preach 'safe sane consentual' and all the frilly froo froo b.s. about safewords and ignore those who have real questions about non-consnetual play. No, it's not safe, and you CAN get hurt or worse, but I know damn well it happens out there whether we like it or not and I'm not about to judge someone because they do things in a risky way and tell them they are wrong for asking. For me, that would be like the pot calling the kettle black.

That being said, fantasies are one thing, reality is another. During your journey to find the 'right' Dominant for you, you can bring up consentual non-consent, analyze his response, and see where the relationship leads if his answer seems legit and appropriate. Do not 'lead' his answer. Ask the simple question and then stop and be silent to await his response. Monitor his expression on the topic, how long he thinks about his answer, and pay close attention to the emotion involved in his answer. If he seems right for you, I suggest you forget all about the topic for a couple years, and go back to it when the relationship has matured enough so that you know you are safe. Consentual Non-Consent play can use 'safe signals', but the dominant has the discrestion to ignore them if he sees fit. To prevent the use of a safe 'word', they usually DO use a gag. This is just in my experience of course.

Also, I know this is an unpopular way to answer a post, so go ahead and slam me all you want for NOT being 'politically correct' and 'socially acceptable'. I would HATE for someone to jump into something like this without hearing anything from anyone else on what could happen and how to try to do it safely. Consentual Non-Consent is essentially NOT Safe, but that is the real point of it. This is why you MUST know each other EXTREMELY well and be sure your ideals are in line with each other. Communication is of utmost importance.

As a dom, I disclose to a sub that ALL safewords will be ignored. "Red" "Yellow" "Green" may, or may not, modify my behavior, they can scream them all they want.

All safewords will be ignored except for one: "SAFEWORD" will conclude the session.

A safe way to push limits, eh.

After the use of a safe word all play stops and a "normal" relationship should be established. Play can resume another day if the sub is willing.

I too have had a consenting non consensual domestic discipline relationship with my husband. We've been together 26 years. I consented to punished whenever he felt I needed it. It has worked beautifully.

You guys who are playing "consensual non-consent" are playing very soft, not even into the realm of true consensual non-consensuality.

The point of REAL consensual non-consensuallity is to be very severe and none of you described anything that comes close.

Planned assaults, corporal punishments, kidnappings and/or rapes by the dominant, possibly unknown to the submissive, with no way out are more in line with consensual non-consensuality.

If I drink and drive my wife paddles my naked butt and I totally have it coming and I never argue when its got to happen----I would ne ver think of restraints----with my own wife---I got it coming I take it---I do not try to get out of it and I just bend over and hold my shins and she paddles my butt and I do not as much as change my position- when she is paddling me-----If a guy needs a restraint----he is pathetic

. . . . If a guy needs a restraint----he is pathetic

If a guy (or any submissive) DOESN'T need a restraint, he/she and his DOMME/DOM just aren't playing very hard.

There is a reason for restraints.

I think others have fully covered some of the points you've brought up, like the vital importance of a safeword. AND YES, IT'S VITAL!!!!!

But I want to address the issue of pain and S/M within BDSM for a moment. I also wish to preface my comments with the fact that I am speaking out of my personal experiences only - everyone has their own individual views and pain tolerance levels.

I am not into S/M... yet I am definitely into BDSM. Believe me, I saw all the sub gals who were masochistic, and thought that was the i-ching of being a bottom at the local dungeon. After all, most of the pictures and videos we see of BDSM involves the bottom being restrained and spanked/caned/whipped/flogged/insert-pain-causing-action-here, right? But I found that I cannot tolerate pain play. It's not bringing the feel-good hormones, the release, etc. - it's just plain pain! So I started feeling like the horriblest sub girl around, the one who couldn't handle pain.

BUT... then I found there's sensual BDSM! It can be so intense and erotic and still put me in subspace. Sometimes it's soft, like a massage or a piece of rabbit fur being drug across my body. Other times it's stingy, as floggers are gently flogged onto my body. It can be thuddy, as someone uses various objects to hit me. It can be all kinds of different sensations.

Or rope! Yes, this is more bondage, but being tied up and having rope tugged and bounced while you're in it... different sensations!

And there's other things too: fire play, fire cupping, tens units, violet wand... and not one of those necessarily has to have you crying or biting your lip or screaming into a gag just because your pain tolerance may be lower than most.

My main point in all this is this: First and foremost, be safe. Safe, Sane, and Consentual. Take it easy when looking for Dom/mes or tops for play. Educate yourself! And realize that your kink journey needs to be what works for you. You won't care for everything at the buffet. But you need to fill your plate with what satiates you, safely.

I hope this helps.

. . . I am not into S/M... yet I am definitely into BDSM. . . . .

S/M is part of BDSM. There IS sensual S&M.

You sound like you are into B & D or D/S. You could be into sensual S&M.

Sounds like I'm in for B & D or D/s. I haven't heard specifically of sensual S&M. Susie, what exactly do you call sensual S&M?

Eric

If I drink and drive my wife paddles my naked butt and I totally have it coming and I never argue when its got to happen-----If a guy needs a restraint----he is pathetic

With all due respect here to this comment, if you drink and drive you do need restraints, called hand cuffs, where you should go straight to jail, do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars. And yes, people who drive drunk are pathetic. Just sayin.

But back on topic here. When I joined here I honestly had never even heard the term BDSM that I can recall. Maybe I only had ever heard of S/M. Over the past 9 years I have learned not a lot, but some, enough to know what it means and how to perform and to enjoy that world.

I could be so wrong on what I am about to say here, but I personally feel that most people are actually into BDSM in one form or degree, or level. I would guess to say that a lot of people don't even realize that some of what they do could be or is considered part of BDSM.

Because we are humans we see, feel and everything else differently. Our pain levels for example vary greatly. This is the "Human Factor". So for example, I happen to love it when Doc sticks his fingers in me, but two fingers in someone else might be uncomfortable or even slightly painful for them. But, they enjoy that pain. To me that isn't on the level of what BDSM is, but pain is pain. The concept is the same, the feelings can be the same too, but the mode that pain is administered is different. See what I am saying there?

Basically what I consider to be elements of BDSM someone else might not think so and visa versa. It just depends on individual people or partners. That's how I see it anyway.

Mashie

Sounds like I'm in for B & D or D/s. I haven't heard specifically of sensual S&M. Susie, what exactly do you call sensual S&M?

Eric

I would consider sensual S&M to be using "restraints" like silk scarves, loosely tied rope you can pull out of, being told to maintain a position without moving or be physically punished. Orgasm denial, edging without any signs of relief or my favorite, masturbating your partner almost to the point of no return and just leaving the room (I love doing that!). Whipping with deerskin floggers, tickling, mild CBT, hot (not burning hot) wax, ice cubes drawn over the body, being tossed in a cold shower and then tied naked and wet to the bed, fucked (raped?) with no regard for your partners pleasure and then having a speculum inserted widely for 15-20 minutes. My husband has done that to me. It's exhilarating. I have done some fun things to him too. You don't need severe pain, just noxious stimuli are often sufficient. Spanking with salad spoons is fun, e-stim that is annoying rather than set for erotic sensations is also fun.

The list goes on.

Use your imagination.

S&M does not require marking your partner, beating them to a pulp or making them bleed or causing extreme pain, although when you get hard core, you can do that sometimes.

@Switchablesusie yes! This is what I'm referring to. It doesn't have to be hardcore pain to be S/M, or BDSM. There are so many sides of this particular coin.

^^^^ I think you have a slight misunderstanding about the term BDSM.

BDSM is simply an acronym combining B & D, D/s and S & M, in that order.