Safe word

I have used it tonight, after rambling over it for quite some time in my mind before to say it out loud I decided it was needed to say it, and I did.

Though it's confusing now, I know he feels he did something wrong, I honestly didn't like it and I think it was ok to say the safe word, just confused I guess.

What's your experience with safe words? ???

They exist for a reason. There shouldn't be any shame or hurt feelings over using it. Now you both know where the limits are so now (we hope) things will be even better.

Just reassure him that he didn't do anything wrong, you just simply reached your limit (which is pretty much the point of most scenes anyway, thus, not a entirely a bad thing).

The first time it happened to me I was kinda dazed too. We talked it out, had a good emotional cry , and then more (vanilla) sex. Then we cooked dinner and all was right with the world. It was great, it just got to be too intense. So we stopped 😃

The bigger issue I see here is that you hesitated before using it. Why?

Essentially I hesitated because I wanted to see what was next, we were into some particular bondage and domination, that was triggering for me and wasn't enjoying as usual. But I thought it would be over soon and then there would surely be some better but not liking it my arousal fell completely off and even the 'better' came, later, I was already at the end of my resistance and decided it was ok to say it.

I originally posted this in the following:

Boards>> Enemas>> Sex is fun>> She Wanted What???

[quote author=gentlenozzle link=topic=4000.msg45362#msg45362 date=1220995985]

I had an experience in late 92, when I was 39 that I believe answers your question with respect to myself.

I had a lover/e-mate at the time I had known for 7 years and we had been living together for a year of that in my home. Over the course of our relationship, we had engaged in all manner of lovemaking ranging from conventional to enemas and a variety of anal/vaginal play with and without toys. All done with complete discussion,understanding and acceptance of boundary definitions.

Our sexual activities had always been consensual,non dominating either way,respecting each others boundaries,knowing where the stop points were. It was always gentle,tender and respectful, with no Dom/Sub overtones whatsoever, always switching back and forth in mutual, tender, give and receive.

One friday night, with no commitments for the weekend, we got into some very passionate activity on the living room floor with quilt,candles,music,lubes,toys, towels and the like. At one particular point, I was spread eagled face down on the quilt after we had enjoyed some very erotic clean out enemas. I had my legs spread as wide as I could and my buttocks thrust up while she had been thoroughly lubing my rectum with her fingers with Surgilube.

When the time was right, she picked up a lubricated dildo/vibrator the length and diameter of my penis and gently slid it deeply into my totally relaxed rosebud, with me grabbing it reflexively rectally to pull it in further, I had total trust at that point. When it was almost all the way in, she switched it on and began to stroke me to a supreme state of arousal.

After a very short time of this, I was in such a state of excitement that I began to shudder bodily climbing the ladder to a rectally induced orgasm all the while minutely crawling across the quilt because I could not remain still.

At which point she started roughly and painfully twisting and jabbing the dildo in me. She said in a deep,husky,hostile voice "now I have you where I want you!". I looked around and saw a maliciously evil person looking back at me with full intent of doing harm to one who she perceived as at her complete mercy and powerless to do anything about it.

At that point, I whipped an arm around, grasped her hand and pulled the still vibrating dildo out, got up, cleaned myself with paper towel, got dressed, told her to do the same and pack a bag,I took the house key back(later changing the locks). I drove her to a friends house and dropped her off, with the statement "when you find a place to live, I will send your things to you", which I did.

There are some lines with me you do not cross (which, by mutual agreement, was not the basis of our relationship) no matter what...no DOM/SUB...no B/D...no PAIN/PLEASURE....period.

For the next four years, she would periodically contact me claiming one such change or another...etc, I would go and pick her up for a date, going to public places, no change, in 96, I told her not to write or contact me again.

I am fortunate to be mature and educated enough to recognize the situation for what it was, as being an isolated event with one individual, not the entire gender, and put a stop to it before psychological harm occurred, thereby still keeping alive something very pleasurable.

Dear gentlefolk, remember, no means no...period. If you violate that, all doors to the possibility of future,willing,unreserved experimentation with that particular individual are closed.

Sincerely,

G.N. 😃

[/quote]

I will add what I failed to write in the aforementioned. The safe word was used repeatedly by me more than three times, to no avail. In all circumstances prior, the safe words had been used by both of us alternately with no problem. In an instant, the line had been crossed irretrievably with no possibility of error and every sign of deliberation, therefore I took the actions mentioned above.

G.N. 😃

Wow. I'm surprised you never needed to use a safeword. My husband and I have used our safeword on occasion and we don't feel bad about it at all. Actually, sometimes whoever of us is Dominant feels bad that the safeword had to be used because something may have happened that was not anticipated and we feel responsible for causing a non-intended pain or sensation. Sometimes a restraint slips and binds, a limb falls asleep and becomes painful or you just get a cramp with an enema that is too much to bear or a muscle goes into spasm from prolonged restraint or a position that started out comfortable that ended up not being so.

Safewords are important and neither partner should be upset if it gets used.

Reasons I listed above are enough for me to well defend myself against those who proclaim "we don't need a safeword because we know each other well" or "we don't need one because I'm the Dom and she should trust whatever I do" BULLSHIT.

Safewords are a good thing. I have even been known to yell "red" if I don't like the way a vanilla social situation is going. If anyone says anyhting when I yell "red", then my curiosity is piqued, and their kinky past is suspect. I repeat, safewords are a gppd thing!

Although a safeword is a good idea,I would hope that if I said no,the person would understand no!if they don't respect any safeword or no then don't go there.Sometimes a good idea isn't as good as you thought and you need to stop it regardless of how well you know each other.

Problem is saying 'no' can be misunderstood.

Into a lot of bondage games the tied up person is acting reluctant, that adds on excitement for both. I love playing to be the victim, lol, screaming no's and please save me, but that's the game.

True that seeing discomfort on the other shoulde be a good hint, but it's not always so easy to recognize.

Although a safeword is a good idea, I would hope that if I said no, the person would understand no! If they don't respect any safeword or no then don't go there. Sometimes a good idea isn't as good as you thought and you need to stop it regardless of how well you know each other.

I agree that the safeword should always be there but I think it is a last resort. I always take it very easy until I am sure what the lady wants. It does need to be there though!

Problem is saying 'no' can be misunderstood.

Into a lot of bondage games the tied up person is acting reluctant, that adds on excitement for both. I love playing to be the victim, lol, screaming no's and please save me, but that's the game.

True that seeing discomfort on the other should be a good hint, but it's not always so easy to recognize.

The problem with saying "no" or "stop" is that neither necessarily mean the same thing in a really good S&M scene, as when you say those words to a three year old.

Nothing beats a safeword. Of course, if your play is very tame or sensual (silk scarves, feathers and a little rope) rather than corporal punishment (canes, whips or floggers, leather straps, various torture devices while inescapably restrained), I suppose one could say, "oh, sweetheart, please don't do that so hard!" 😁 😁 😁 😁 . . . . But if you're being caned or spanked to tears while you have a unipolar electrode buried in your asshole and other electrodes taped to each foot with a good amount of electricity flowing through you, you may very well be having the time of your life and be screaming "please, stop, I can't stand it," and then beat the crap out of your master for listening to you because you he stopped and released you from bondage.

^^^^ If you are into heavy, severe corporal S&M, or intense bondage, it seems a whole lot simpler and much safer to just have a safeword, which by definition means to stop, rather than having a discussion of when "no," under which specific conditions, actually means "no." Anybody who says, "we don't need a safeword because we know each other so well" doesn't impress me as being as careful as you need to be. They just don't play anywhere near the edge or a person's hard limits.

A safeword prevents a very exciting and powerful scene from getting out of control, not for use when it is out of control. An out of control scene becomes one of abuse, not D/s power exchange. Also, the statement that a true submissive will not use a safeword for fear of retaliation by the master is not correct either in a relationship where the submissive is respected by the master. If retaliation for use of the safeword were to occur, in my opinion, the submissive should leave that master because the master is abusive.

I agree with Susie on safe words. They are usually agreed on as something out of context for the scene so there is no doubt that things should come to a screeching halt! In heavy scenes where gags are involved the bottom should have a nonverbal cue.

I also like the idea of a second safe word that means timeout!

For times like "hey this rope is cutting off the circulation, can you fix that before going back to work with the flogger!" A good master watches for things like that, but sometimes stuff happens.

I've only had to use our safeword once, and thats because i knew the neighbors were peeping through our fence when we were in the back yard, Enemas in the hammock can be so relaxing....

A suggestion. A lot of folks who use the "RED" safe word which would mean the session comes to a halt, they also may also incorporate "YELLOW" which could mean "please stop that particular activity or slow down but continue the session"

I was not around to verify, but I have heard that, when my parents engaged in enema play in the late 1970s and early 1980s they used hand gestures, not words.

Safe words are an absolute must and should be agreed in advance and respected at all times. Sometimes safe words might be used just to indicate that the recipient/sub wants things to slow down, has cramp, needs to rest etc - there should be no shane or guilt on either side if safe words are used; they are just an important and clear means of communication.

Many of my BDSM friends/play partners also use hand signals partly because some forms of play involve gags etc so it might be hard to speak or because some subs may know that they find it very hard to get words out when right in the middle of something very intense but they can lift their arm or something which is the agreed signal. Some people have different signals so that something can mean 'slow down' rather than 'stop'. I often agree a hand signal as well as a safe word because I know that I sometimes literally can't speak. However, I mostly use it just to indicate I need to stop for a while.

I will admit that I have freaked out in the past when I was very new to medical roleplay and have used a safe word and ended an examination early on because I wasn't in the right headspace to let go fully into the submissive role and I was feeling distressed and uncomfortable. This happened on two different occasions with two play doctors. Interestingly those are the two who have gone on to become long term play partners and very dear friends. I used the safe word, we stopped the session, I left but was able to speak to them about it afterwards, we discussed what may have gone wrong and how we might do things differently and we tried again. That is the essence of a successful play relationship whether BDSM, roleplay or whatever; trust, respect, negotiation and communication.

I've been doing real life play exams for getting on 10 years now and I've never felt it necessary to use a safe word. If the woman wants to use one then fine I'm happy with that, but I've never had it requested. I offered one once to an Italian lady who came over from Roma for an appointment, anticipating language problems, but she wasn't interested and spoke better english than me!

I would know either from the woman's body language if she was uncomfortable or distressed, or she would just say "stop" or "no" or something. But it's never happened because I've never had a problem.

Personally I don't do anything extreme or dangerous that might warrant one. Actually we're in the enema section of Zity here but people seem to be talking about BDSM...

Dr Philip - The UK Play Doctor.

Rosalyn,

That was a great post; you covered two areas of significant importance.

One is the use of safe words. Some patients are concerned atbout using them, fearing their doctor/play partner will get angry, or annoyed. Also, they don't want to offend. But as you pointed out, it may be your, the patient's headspace, and nothing that the doctor did wrong. If something is not right, the safe word is used for protection of all the parties to stop play, or slow it down, or even to reconnoiter, maybe visit about what's going on, and then to continue.

Then, you went into communication and pointed out that it is important to communicate and share why a scene didn't work, debriefing, and then to try it again at some time in the future. And, you were right on when you did it at a later date, vs. when you stopped a scene. Practice makes perfect, or for perfection. I have been challenged by bottoms who think that Tops, or Doms, guys especially ~ should have crystal balls, and will get it right the first time. Good communication will go a long way in the beginning toward setting the stage for a successful initial play session, and is important after a play session wherein the scene is discussed so that it will come off better the next time.

Roleplay is acting... I've never seen a stage performance that came to life without lots of rehearsals

I like your style and wish that you were in the states. Tis my thought that you are a spectacular personality, and have some wonderful insights into both BDSM, and med.fet play.

Now ~ go out and make it a great weekend!

Hermann

P.S. And, it doesn't hurt to reaffirm your closing statement; i.e., "The essence of a successful play relationship whether BDSM, roleplay or whatever ~ embodies trust, respect, negotiation and communication."

Play should always be safe, sane, consensual, and non-exploitive.

I have to second ALMOST everything Hermann just said.

Communication is very important, and so are the "rehearsals". S&M scenes between two partners is always better after they have played together for some time and have experience with each other than it was at their maidenly tryst with each other.

The only part I didn't completely agree with is the part about being non-exploitive, because some submissives do want to be exploited.

I can go along with susie on the fact that some partners want to be exploited, in a consensual manner. It's just like some people want to play with rape and abduction scenarios in a consensual, non-consensual scene. In my book virtually anything that is consensual is fine as long as it is safe and sane.

My use of non-exploitive is simply that one person should not be exploiting others for their individual gain, at the expense of typically the submissive.

Again, most anything that is consensual and agreed to between play partners, is okay in my book as long as it is safe and sane.

Now ~ go out and make it a gr8 evening!

Yes, Hermann, like I said, some people WANT to be exploited, which I guess from a technical standpoint means, as you say, they aren't being exploited.

When I am the receiver of an enema, I tell my master my safe words: Green = OK to proceed. Yellow = Slow down. Red = Enough already, Stop! That way, as the fluid flows into me, I can act out. Like crying out "stop," "it hurts so much," "I can't hold it," grunting and sobbing, etc. and he ignores me and keeps the enema going. That way the master gets off as the sadist as he acts out to be.

There is no question, the "traffic light" safe word system is best.

Anyone who has used it once with someone will immediately be able transfer its meaning with crystal clarity to another partner.

The traffic light system is also crucial in monitored public play. The Dungeon Monitor can't be expected to react to your individual safeword. In a large party or event, if someone cries RED everyone looks. If the top doesn't react, others will. It's a great safety net.

For enema play I added another safe word to the standard traffic light color system,..

BROWN

And that is, you better get this ass your filling pointed over a toilet or some other container quickly or things are going to get BROWN !!!

Enematically

Steve

When I am the receiver of an enema, I tell my master my safe words: Green = OK to proceed. Yellow = Slow down. Red = Enough already, Stop! That way, as the fluid flows into me, I can act out. Like crying out "stop," "it hurts so much," "I can't hold it," grunting and sobbing, etc. and he ignores me and keeps the enema going. That way the master gets off as the sadist as he acts out to be.

Great description. I've never had to use a safe word, but I am very vocal as an enema-receiving sub, with a lot of moaning, groaning and begging my domme to not push me any farther. But since being pushed is one thing that dramatically increases my submission and arousal, the combination of my moaning and begging plus her refusal to stop adding more arousing kinks makes it very intense and satisfying for both.

Moans and pleading for me can be about so many delightful things - such as don't make me wear even more rubber, don't cover me up to make me sweat, no more enema water, please let me evacuate, don't make me hold for so long, please let me come, don't make me move around or exercise while I'm full of this enema, Oh God please don't make me lay on my enema belly, and so many more. Every time she refuses or tells me what more she's about to do to me increases my submissiveness and arousal and need for release. Delightful. We can prolong and escalate the scene and both act out nicely as long as we don't hit a safe word.

Even if a SW is used, it may only mean a temporary pause or kink adjustment so doesn't automatically mean ending the kink session.

Eric

I've never had to use a safe word. But if I did, it would be "peanut butter."

I remember as a kid at summer camp the aquatics instructors would splash and yell "peanut butter!" when demonstrating rescue techniques.

Not sure why, but that has always stayed with me.....

Along the lines of safeword use, I like to do it a couple of different ways sometimes. Of course as I mentioned earlier, I can just continue along in a session and use or not use a safeword if I ever need it. So far, I never have. Another practice which is fun for me is whether I'm Dom or sub, usually sub, to have the Domme ask at various times "is everything green?," or "you're doing a lot of moaning and begging, so do you need to use a yellow?" or the like. It just gives me more of a continuous feeling of being in (sub) character and enhances my experience, especially when I'm being a very vocal sub. When being sub, the result (so far all the time, fingers crossed) is for me to say "no, I'm fine" or "no ma'am," and then become even more vocal to just accentuate the fact that moaning and begging is just part of my submissive enjoyment. Just an interesting thought for enhancing our D/s sessions.

Eric

So far I have no need for one since I usually self-administer, and foreplay enemas when we do use them are limited to one round of no more than 2 qts

We'll have to see how things progress

Yes, Hermann, like I said, some people WANT to be exploited, which I guess from a technical standpoint means, as you say, they aren't being exploited."

Yes, exactly. It mostly depends on how the Dom(me) and the sub envision "exploited." When I was a switch sub to my switch ex's Domme, we each knew how to push each other's submissive/humiliation buttons, and that I wanted her to push pretty hard on numerous different kinks. In other words, despite my moaning and pleading for easier treatment, she knew we had the most fun "exploiting" me as much as possible within my safeword. The moaning, groaning and begging were largely a measure of how much I was enjoying my submission as well as how much I wanted her to keep "exploiting" me more and more.

One good example was an evening she dreamed up all by herself without telling me anything beforehand about her domination plan for me. Briefly, she zipped me into a full black latex catsuit and hood and gloves plus tall heavy rubber sneakers (major kink for me) and restrained me to our bed. Then came the gas mask and leg spreading. By that time, not knowing what to expect and being nervously excited, I was sweating heavily (I love sweating under rubber) as she started a long session of anal fingers, toys, nozzles and catheters culminating in about a 2 quart enema, remember with no warning except various threats of escalation. After an extremely erotic mild spanking over my suit and belly, she changed my restraint a bit then literally rolled me up in the thick comforter I was on like a burrito so I could barely move, still retaining ~2 q with a fat rubber balloon (I hoped) holding it in my butt. She left me like that for maybe 45-60 minutes, while largely ignoring me and just letting me sweat more and more while wondering my fate. The sexual intensity and need to orgasm kept growing more and more especially with her telling me I'd be holding at least until I'd made her come at some point. Now I was having a wonderful sub experience but starting to wonder about a safeword but didn't use it. I was enjoying being exploited for her pleasure.

Finally she came back to me with a fat rubber enema bag she made sure I saw and asked me if I was ready for another couple of quarts of enema before we got down to me satisfying her while still filled. At that point, with the bondage, total rubber enclosure and heavy sweating, fat balloon in my ass and moderate belly distention, I really wondered what to say, as she'd probably give me the second enema no matter what I said. I moaned and pleaded about how submissive I had been for her already, but she insisted I decide. I moaned and whined a bit more, then took a chance and said "please no more enema, Mistress - I'll give you whatever else you want........." but silently hoping she'd be a good Domme and exploit my submission to fill me anyway, which would in fact be a challenge at that point. In other words, I really wanted to be pushed on several kinks including the second enema and thus be exploited. Depending on how much more enema she squeezed into me, I was really starting to wonder about withstanding it long enough to service her sexually with all the other kinks still going on, but I did want to give her pleasure and also to feel as exploited as she wished. Well, she started masturbating me without letting me come and massaging my belly but in the middle with no warning opened the clamp and gave me at least another quart, telling me how much fun she'd have listening to my belly slosh around when she made me fuck her later. What a (rectal as well as head) rush!

I think she pushed in about another quart or two and finally unrolled me so she could start forcing me to crawl around on the bed still enclosed and retaining and give her sexual stimulation. Finally after a couple of her orgasms and rest period, she massaged my belly and then helped me come with all the kinks still going on. My orgasm was extremely intense and I don't think I leaked to my amazement. I fell asleep and then after waking went and relieved myself and undid my whole rubber kink enclosure so I could get some sleep. I felt extremely submissively satisfied and she did it again a couple of more times before we eventually split and divorced. I'll never forget those nights as long as I live.