I tried to be gender neutral in my comments above, but you know me, I'm a Gemini, so I think faster than I type. By the time I'm ready to type the words, my mind has segued into four new topics. Sex on the "to do" list happens to both men and women. It's natural for couples to be out of sync with each other with one wanting sex and the other wanting sleep or just isn't in the mood. A healthy couple can handle it well and can work the problem. They have to be secure in themselves and have trust and respect for their partner and be willing to compromise. It's important for people to be self-aware and to know if they want sex because they're stressed and need a release, if they want sex due to a hormone surge, if they want it because they're feeling insecure and need reassurance that they're sexy and desirable, or if they want sex because they need to need intimacy and their lover's touch. It may not be sex that they're needing, but they're only listening to the basest part of their brains...
Oh, good, I'm sleepy and rambling, so good luck following this.
Ok, once they determine what their needs are, they can tell their partner what they want and why. It may be sex, a shoulder to lean on, an ear to bend, a brain to bounce ideas off of, validation that they're in it in together.
Intimacy and communication are vitally important in a relationship. Sex changes over the life of a relationship, but it doesn't mean that it happens less (or not at all) or that it isn't as good as it once was. There is great comfort in making love with someone who knows everything about you (and loves you anyway). It isn't always about having a perfect body, a willingness to experiment, the flexibility of a contortionist or the staminia of a Duracell battery. It can change into something so beautiful it can't be described. It just happens and there are no words for it. Of course, sometimes it's just about getting down and dirty and cumming until you can't walk anymore.
One of my dear friends and his wife have been exploring each other again like they did when they were first together. Their kids are grown up, moved out and started their college, careers and families. So they've been reconnecting and discovering each other all over again. I think it's beautiful and it makes my heart fill with joy to know that sex just keeps getting better. It may not be like it once was, but in one form or another, it doesn't stop until your heart does. I may be a bit biased because they're both great people who deserve every happiness in the world, but I hope it is like that for all couples.
(I happen to know that my own mom has a bottle of KY warming gel and Astroglide in her bedside drawer. Way to go, Mom and Dad! Fifty-one years together and they're still going strong.)
My man and I haven't defined our relationship. We were married, but we divorced and remained friends. We've been together off and on for nearly twenty years. We don't know what to call each other. Lovers? Girlfriend/Boyfriend? Partners? My man/His girl. We don't live together, but he's here every evening until the early morning hours. We're not always in sync and we have certain limitations that restrict activty, so we don't have sex often. But when we do, it's usually something wonderful. He doesn't want any woman but me, but he's a vanilla kind of guy and I prefer something with sprinkles.
I have a healthy appetite and have his permission and blessing to play outside of our relationship, but I don't have sex with anyone other than him. I have had only two lovers in the past ten years. He knows I have male friends; some local, some online and some I talk with on the phone. He knows that I engage in a little cam fun or phone fun every now and then. He knows about my photos, movies, toys, erotica, etc. I don't keep any secrets from him. When you've been together as long as he and I have and when you have gone through as much as we have gone through, monogamy isn't really that big of a deal. Our relationship is much deeper than a couple of body parts rubbing together. There are only a few men that I would go to bed with, but haven't. I have to have a deep connection with someone before I entrust my body to them and it takes time to build that level of love and trust.
I'm guess I'm trying to say that people need to pay attention to what exactly they need and why they need it and to let their partner know and to be comfortable enough and secure enough in their relationship that they can have alternatives if they find themselves out of sync. Women need to stop freaking out if their partner mastubates. It doesn't mean he doesn't love them or finds them desirable. It just means he needs to cum. It's natural. Let it go. So guys, I apologize to all of you for the portion of my gender who thinks you're a pervert if you look at porn or masturbate in the shower. They think it means that you don't find them attractive or not good enough and are fantasizing about some other woman. Give them the reassurance they need and open the lines of communication about fantasies and sexuality. Ask them about theirs. You never know, you might have the same desires. Hopefully your partner will see masturbation as normal and healthy and will get over her Puritan values.
If your partner isn't up for a full-out sex, maybe they would be up for a little mutual masturbation, oral sex, a quickie or would be totally into watching you get yourself off. No one should feel forced to "give in" to sex. Who wants an unwilling partner? I'm not happy unless everyone involved is enjoying themselves, so if my partner isn't into it, I'd rather not bother. I don't want anyone phoning it in, so to speak, and going through the motions. Find a way to compromise with your partner and fulfill their needs while respecting your own needs (such as sleep or whatever), as well. The marital bed should not be a sponge that absorbs blame, guilt, shame, anger or spite. Your bed is the one place that is sacred and removed from the outside world. It should be there for your comfort, peace, sleep and joy.
Speaking of beds, I should be face down on mine right now, so I'm heading off. Sorry for rambling.