How to be a sub when married to a sub?

Maybe you people can help me. I have been very happily married for 23 years. I have fantasies about role playing scenes where i am very submissive and have a need to be told what to do and when, how, and how often to do it. I don't know how to be dominant and have a hard time giving orders when it comes to the bedroom. here's where the problem comes in. My wife is the exact same. I want her to take control and tell me to bend over for my enema and shes waiting for me to bend her over for her spanking. We have tried to take turns and say OK tonight it's your turn to take control and god bless her she tries but some how its not the same when she says "i said take this in your ass...........oooh I'm sorry did i hurt you?" don't get me wrong I'm not putting all the blame on her, I'm the same way when it's "my turn". how does a submissive person learn to be dominant if even for only one night at a time? Any ideas? wish i could be on-line more often but because of travel i only get on a couple times a week, but I'll be back to read more as soon as I can!!

Perhaps both of you reading some erotic literature will help, something with the dominant/submissive theme. You and your wife may get some ideas from there and incorporate them into your own scenes and playtime. Hang in there! 😉

Have her get into a character. Find someone on TV or in a movie that she thinks of as strong and confident person. Then have her work on that "role". She can be concerned for your safety, but she can't say anything about it until you are done. Then let her be her submissive self. Make sure you compliment her when she does get it right. Help her to build this "person" up into someone she is comfortable with. Then you may also have to do the same to help her get the idea. If you exchange with it then you will each get what you are wanting. There is the possibility that you will find you like to do this too on occasion.

Hi all. Yes I do feel I have an awesome wife! I didn't mean to sound like i was complaining if that's the way i came across I'm sorry. I just thought maybe someone might know of a story or book or some link or something that might help us in some way to be a bit more dominant since we both seem to want the same thing. I would like nothing more than to please her in this regard but just don't know what to do, and I happen to know that her biggest problem with it is kinda like a catch 22. She loves me so much she wants to please me also but her love makes it hard for her to "hurt" me. I feel the same way about her. I know that sounds like I should just shut my mouth and be ever so happy to have such a great marriage, but we do both like to get "kinky" and ...well... oh never mind. We will just keep working on it as it is something we both want to get into I'm sure we will figure it out eventually. Thanks again for all your input.

P.S. If someone does know of a good story or book or a link to some playful sub-dom site please let me know.

Hey "paptony...Been ther done that! If you both are serious in "Switching" try this. Do to her as YOUR "Submissive" what you want HER to do to you as HER "Submissive",and SHE does the same to YOU. Even though you,and her may not like what the other is doing to you it will help you both to understand exactly what the other realy wants??

Then either rent/buy some BDSM/ENEMA VIDEO's,and watch the way others do things,and mabey get some ideas from some of the scenarios done on the video's.Just remember you both Love each other very much,and it is ONLY "Role Play"!! Giving your mate the bittersweet pain/pleasures of:Bondage, Spanking,Anal Play,Toys,Role Play,ENEMAS,Oral/Anal Sex,whatever?? Is the ultimate in closeness to one another!! "Soul-Mates" That will be your ULTIMATE REWARD!! (-:

I went through this with my wife when we first started playing in a more serious way. she is not particularly wanting to be submissive with me, but she did had specific needs, I think we both but lacked confidence and experience with each other. My wife was also worried about 'hurting' me which would ruin the moment. In our case we just persevered, and communicated constantly through the first few sessions where any new activity was tried out. It was a learning curve for both of us, but we were both willing and wanting to please each other so we kept at it until it got more natural. Once we had both learned each others limits, and how to read the 'tells' play became much more natural and enjoyable.

Since my sexual needs vary according to mood, work commitments etc, so to keep things fresh and moving along I started writing about my fantasies, creating a portfolio of these writings in a 'sex ideas book' for my wife to read. This has worked a charm, and after each new submission I usually get asked a stack of questions where my wife will add ideas of her own. I think our success is basically down to communication, understanding, and patience with each other.

The best thing I can suggest is open up your relationship. I'm a dom and am with a sub but when I want to switch, I just find someone else. (This is sanctioned within my relationship, however.)

Takes time,just think that what you want her to do to you,She wants you to do to her.Practice for a week each changing roles.Do not be ashamed being tender and strict in the same time,unless the other wants it without tenderness.You will find the way to please each other,just go on trying.A weeks time for each and keep notes.

All the best

After a successful roleplay / fantasy you guys will gain the confidence and from that point onwards you will actually be able to perform better, so don't be afraid and also assure your partner that it will be sensational, btw you have ascertain roles and how far you want to go for a new sub or dominant, that is very hard and could be emotional phase, but stick together and play it out 😄

Dear Papatony,

Please don't think "never mind"! My husband wants me to be a dom and although we have rented videos, gone to sex shops together, asking other doms and trying all kinds of role playing I still never feel like I quite achieve his fantasy. He loves me very much and I do him so he never, ever complains but I feel like I might hurt him at times (even though we have our safe words and he assures me he will use them when needed) so I tend to stop just short every time. I don't know how to fully take control and know that's all he really wants! I really want him to treat me as he wants to be treated but feel he doesn't get my clues at times since he is always so focused on trying to help me be a dom. He does everything for me (cleans the yard, takes out the trash, drives me home if he thinks I'm too tired, etc.) but I think he thinks that is his role playing of the dom. Sometimes I wish he'd just take me and have his way with me and tell me to bend over for an enema or spanking but he doesn't because his role as "husband" has already been accomplished. When he is in control and I'm being submissive I start to feel guilty that again, I am the one being pleasured so at times I hold back which causes him to hold back. Don't get me wrong...we have an amazing sex life and I am so incredibly lucky to have him and he tells me the same. I just feel we are both submissive and thought maybe you and I shared a few of the same feelings.

We talk about it a lot and I agree that is the most important thing we can do. Just keep practicing and I'm sure we'll all get it right in the end...exactly where we all want it!

Sounds like you have a very sound marriage,papatony. Good on you both.

Checking to be sure your bottom is actually enjoying a scene or not in any unacceptable pain is just plain common sense and communication. When she asks, answer her as a bottom, not judgementally. Then thank Her for her concern and then continue to enjoy.

Good luck.

Maybe it's not so difficult to find two dominant friends, so to play according to everybody's inclinations

Can't you both switch? You should both "take lessons" from a dominant player so you learn how to satisfy the other.

My husband and I both love both roles, although many years ago he started out submissive and I was very dominant.