Is my partner normal?

I hope this is okay to ask...

So, my boyfriend and I were still pretty young when we got together, so we were each others first. That's why I don't really know much about what other penises/sex with other men is like even though I'm in my thirties now.

The thing is, the only way he can cum is when he rubs his penis very fast between his hands (similar to when you use a stick of wood to make fire? 🤷🏻‍♀️)

I have tried to learn this technique but my hands get tired way too fast.

He says he enjoys sex, but it ends with us getting exhausted rather than him climaxing. (I have no trouble climaxing)

It doesn't seem to bother him and he often just goes on with his day without the release?!

And he seems to have pretty low interest in sex in general and when something bothers him he can't get in the right headspace at all. (Which is also strange to me, I masturbate when stressed to relax 🤷🏻‍♀️)

I don't know if this is just normal or if there's something wrong with his penis or if he needs to explore his sexuality and hasn't tapped into what really gets him going?

I'm mostly concerned about how we will handle this when it's time to get into having children...

And I honestly feel bad about always wanting sex but he's barely in the mood and of course I don't want to coerce him into having sex with me, it feels wrong...

Sometimes it makes me feel like I'm not hot enough but he always reassures me that it's just too hot/he has some minor issue with his body bothering him (for example he sometimes has a weird twitching sensation in his foot randomly where doctors couldn't find any cause for it. Or he has troubles with hemorrhoids/fissures lately)/he's too stressed about other stuff... There's always SOMETHING... (He's generally a really big thinker type, always in his head...)

Oh and I'm not sure if his foreskin is completely normal, it covers his glans even when erect and he doesn't like it being pulled back at all. But doctors never commented on his foreskin. Although the size flaccid and erect is really different for him, so he grows a lot (and I think that's something Doctors can't tell from looking at the flaccid penis? 😅)

I don't know what's normal and what isn't, I wouldn't know if my lady parts are normal or not either because I don't have any comparison lol. I just trust that Doctors would tell you if something is unusual. 🤷🏻‍♀️

He might want to have his testosterone checked.

It sounds like some underlying neurological issue though where he is not getting enough sensation.

I would see if you can find a neurourologist that is the doctor who would deal with such things.

My guess is that's the way he has always masturbated, and he's trained his body and mind to only orgasm with that particular stimulation. He'll need to stop masturbating and you'll need to retrain his mind and penis to respond to sex. It might take awhile, but it sounds like you won't mind too much.

As long as he doesn’t rub your clit the same way.?!!😉

We don't all masturbate the same way. What works for one doesn't necessarily for another. There's nor right or "normal" way.

I think the biggest problem you might have in the long run is the difference in your sex drives. It definitely sounds as though he has little interest in sex.

Perhaps, as someone suggested he may have low testosterone levels. That might be worth checking. It does sound as though he may also have some body confidence issues too.

Is he easy to talk to? Can you discuss his issues?

Hope things work out for you.

It seems there are few problems but all can be related to main one - phimosis (foreskin not retracting). This can explain his masturbation technique and potentially lack of ejaculation during intercourse. As well, this can cause some pain for him too, hence him not keen on having sex. He might be embarrassed by this condition and not willing to seek medical help. You need to make him get this addressed.

I doubt it is testosterone level issue.

Assuming that everything is ok with your guy medically, I think it would be appropriate to consult with a sex therapist. There are some good ones out there.

Since finding my partner I think people are just different. I usually require an element of pain to climax so perhaps his wiring is the same and the friction does it. normalcy is subjective and overrated

Ive lately had the same issue with cumming. It takes me longer than I used to, and I only cum about 80% of the time. Luckily, my partner and I have the same, high, sex drive, and she's able to realize that her "Worth" as my partner isn't whether or not she makes me cum. She gets off and, on those occasions when I don't, she gets it and doesn't question or shame me about it. We are both old farts, in our late 50s, so we are well aware we aren't spring chickens and our bodies aren't like they were 30, or even 10, years ago.

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@Nemokiddy You could read some sexual self-help books. Look through them first on your own to find one that resonates and then try reading one or more books or chapters with your partner.

I googled "Best books on sex for beginners" and Google popped up with the following suggestions:

Sex Ed: A Guide for Adults, Rare, Ruby: A practical and fun guide to sex! Find answers to the questions you've never known how to ask or didn't know you wanted to ask!

The New Naked - The Ultimate Sex Education for Grown-ups, Fisch, Harry: How long has it been since you had The Talk? Can't remember if it's the Blue Jays and the Butterflies or the Birds and the Bees? This book is for you! Fisch, a practicing urologist and Professor of Urology and Reproductive Medicine, is here to provide a refreshed and expanded sex ed for adults.

The Joy of Sex - The Ultimate Revised Edition, Comfort, Alex: The groundbreaking work first published in 1972 (since revised) and one of the first widely read sex manuals in the United States. Learn from some of the leading experts on sex and relationships.

Come as You Are - The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life, Nagoski, Emily,: The groundbreaking work first published in 1972 (since revised) and one of the first widely read sex manuals in the United States. Learn from some of the leading experts on sex and relationships.

Tell Me What You Want - The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life, Lehmiller, Justin J,: Lehmiller offers science-based perspectives on sexual fantasy and desire.

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YouTube also has some good videos.

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What is normal is more a philosophical question. There is no such thing as a standard unit of male or female. Everything is normal unless it is unhealthy or does not allow you to have a full life, in my opinion.

From what you've described...

Maybe just sex does not really turns him on. Does he have any kinks? He might not even know about them yet... Ask him what he wants, likes, what are his fantasies, what in porn does he like, what turns him on in general, etc. Introducing that element might help him to want more.

Not all of us have a constant drive and desire. This is fine too. It is hard to get going if you do not want it. There is no magical on switch for erection. Maybe he is afraid of failure and postpones sex until the moment when he is absolutely sure.

Regarding mentioned above phimosis - it can be a possibility, but only a doctor can really tell. Try googling the images and compare. But he might be just fine and simply need a different approach, like frenulum stimulation, for example. Every human is different. We feel different, process different, think different, like different. Our body is just a framework to build on top of. There are many things to try...

Let him know that the difference in your desires does not matter. Make him feel loved. Make him feel open and free with you. He will find a way to make you happy. We not only get pleasure physically, but often by just making good to our partners.

And do not listen to stupid advice. 😃 Seek professional opinion.

This thread is a sad example of people not reading initial post carefully and giving rubbish advice.

@Nemokiddy clearly wrote

Oh and I'm not sure if his foreskin is completely normal, it covers his glans even when erect and he doesn't like it being pulled back at all.

Looks like most did not make that far in her post. Since most uncircumcised males have foreskin extending well over glans of not erect penis, therefore unless self reported, it will not be noticed by medical staff. Especially that there is very low chance that his genitals are looked at in first place.

Phimosis causes serious difficulties with sexual intercourse. Even the way he masturbates shows points to that.

If he does not get a treatment there will be no improvement. I expect he is very hesitant, and it can be understood, because not only shame but fear of required treatment too.

Thanks for all the comments ☺️

Do you have any tips on how to address this when he himself is unaware that there might be something wrong that needs to get checked by a doctor? 😅

That's a pretty heavy topic... I don't want him to feel insecure about it...