Whatever happened to politeness?

Seriously? That is not a charitable or polite way to generalize.

I’m sorry, I should have phrased that better. The small percentage of the men who message me who aren’t creeps. That’s my bad, I should have said that in the first place.

However, that is my experience and I won’t pretend it’s not… the majority of men who DM me, or did before I disallowed DM’s from non-friends, were very creepy. Talk to me on the public forum and if we hit it off, THEN make a friend request. That way, the slow progression and building of trust is kind of enforced by the public nature of our earlier conversations.

Your profile say account inactive, pending deletion 🙄🙄. All good?

This thread has made me reflect a lot. And made me finally take the time to figure out how to get rid of the online chat.

I’m also guilty of not having answered a couple of messages from people whose messages appeared respectful. Part of it comes down to shyness and not really being sure what to write, part of it due to having a partner and feeling that chatting with other men would somehow not be respectful even though rationally I know that is not the case.

However, I’ve also had people message me out of the blue and ask me what my favourite anal sex position was or someone who I had already told a few months back that I wasn’t into online chatting message me a few times. Their demeanour is friendly and enthusiastic but to me it feels subtly manipulative and I have no desire to share. That’s my gut instinct and I’ve learned to follow it. I could be totally wrong but my gut instinct has served me well in the past. I realise I still need to get over the ingrained idea of “it’s not polite not to answer”, the online chat and being on green made me feel pressure to be polite and answer. Having been on Fetlife, the Feeld dating app or just simply writing on my profile on apps, such as Bumble and Hinge, that I like other flavours than vanilla, seems to attract men who think that because you enjoy kink that somehow you have no boundaries. I didn’t really know my boundaries when first embarking on my kinky journey but have learned a lot on the way. I’ve learned a lot about consent. It’s not just about saying no to sex.

I’m sorry the OP has felt the way he did. I think perhaps a lot of women have had negative experiences so have put up strong boundaries, I know I have.

There are a lot of men who just don’t understand the online and real-life experience of women.

I don’t suppose I do either, but I do try to listen to my female friends when they say that men constantly try to hit on them or otherwise ignore them as “too old”, “too ugly” etc, especially when they call it out.

Nobody owes you a reply.

Nobody owes you their time.

A little empathy goes a long way.

Was reading a good bit of posts trying to find the one that @Rigel commented on regarding some rather bizarre notions about homosexuality.

Either I read past it or around it. It may have been taken down. for one reason or another, or the original poster just thought removing it was a good plan.

I was a bit disappointed.

Why, because I went to the trouble of writing a rather good, in my mind, reply. Anything aimed at the LGBTQ community can catch my ire if it comes off as negative or uninformed to me.

Here it is anyway in all its weirdness.

Buzzz ,clicity pa essh buzz ping Do you hear those sounds? That is my Solar charging battery operated steam-powered ACME Super Smart Thinker Machine working out answers for us.

I wanted them to be impartial. This device utilizes the astounding reasoning power of one chicken brain cell to answer complex human questions. Unbiased.

Pawaaaclluck! Imagine an egg-like container rolling out with a fortune cookie-sized strip of paper inside with the answer printed on it.

Question. Do gay men prefer sucking cocks or eating pussy? answer Sucking cock.

Pawaaaclluck! Here is another gem coming down the shoot. Reading the strip. Question. Do gay men eat pussy? Answer. Not bloody likely.

Burrrck pluck brwwa! That was different. A speckled egg rolls out of the shoot. Hmmm I wonder what this one is about? Question. If a woman likes being fucked up her arse does it make her gay? Answer. What the cluck? That one was a bit of a trick question. Just enjoying being fucked up the arse does not make anyone gay.

Have a problem with the answers? Take it up with ACME.

Back on topic. Whatever happened to politeness?

Not to my surprise but it just seems a lot of the comments are geared to the way women are being addressed or treated on the site and in the messages we receive. Courtesy goes both ways and all around and round. I think it was one of those ancient Greek Stoics who stated that Silence was a strong response. Think about it if you find yourself ignored. I pick my teeth and fart in public, so I'm not going to preach manners. Pot and kettle sort of business.

@Bad_Princess

I didn’t delete my rant, it’s two comments before Rigel’s response, and relates to a shift I see in the vanilla world about acts that are perceived as “gay” by dumb people. There’s nothing wrong with being lgbtq in the first place, so I find that insult to be lame right from the start.

I was intertwining how women are being treated here with disturbing trends I see on Facebook or Instagram. There will be some clip of a female saying they like their man to be into butt play or oral, then myriad comments below saying butt stuff is gay or giving oral pleasure to female makes you a lesser man. It’s absurd. We all know it, but I see it constantly. Ditto for strap on play. Preaching to the choir in your case, but for sure there are those on this forum with similar misconceptions.

The general vibe of my rant is people need to treat females on this site better and understand a lack of reply might be a result of their creepy behavior as much as it is about manners. The creepy behavior stems from a bigger problem of some men thinking they can treat women as vehicles for their sexual gratification.

Thanks for bringing me up to Speed @naughtydoc .

@Bad_Princess you’re welcome. Do feel free to read my original post on the previous page. I think it’s unequivocally clear who and what I’m calling out.

Thanks for being polite.

Now don't think that men are the only ones being "impolite". There has been a very small number of females, count on one hand" who message with possible "ill intent". So be aware of that possibility too. Sweet, innocent, can also lead to trouble. Not just on Zity.biz.

@GlycerinMan I have often wondered about this subject too. I have often liked the way some members post and also how they think and would like to talk with them to find out how they grew up and how they came to be as they are to find if there are some similarities I can relate to in my growing up. So often they seem like they are not interested in interacting with anyone else due to their short return of messages or no messages at all and ghosting. Then there are many that I have run into who will chat but it seem they are doing something else at the same time and makes me feel like I am intruding on their life. I intentionally do not often interrupt a Friend here just because I see their name here as being online. If I do interrupt a Friend I will say something like "Don't want to interrupt. Just am going to be here for a moment and wanted to say hi". Sometimes I will get a response and sometimes I won't. It doesn't bother me because I know a lot of people get on here to read stories, blogs and other interesting subjects for various reasons. I do that myself.

So to make a long post short, I have determined much of the issues are caused by people being just human. We are all different. Maybe they have had a hard day. Maybe they are not feeling good. Maybe they have had a loss. Maybe they have recently gone through divorce. Or maybe they may just want to alone with the stories and blogs because they make them happy.

It would be more polite too if more members would just say "thanks" when moderators have helped them or answered their questions. Some members thank me and it is much nicer to get those messages afterwards. I do not want to be worshiped or anything like that, I am not a dominatrix like a member tried to get me to be for him once after I told him how he can fix his problem, because that would be inappropriate and just creepy really. But it is not so polite if members just forget about moderators after they have got their problem sorted out.

It would be more polite too if more members would just say "thanks" when moderators have helped them or answered their questions.

I have virtually always been thanked afterwards. I've never had an issue with that.

Nor, for that matter with male members requesting/offering dick pics out of the blue. Such (inappropriate?) things happen to male members, but I don't think it's anything to be upset about when on a sex dedicated site. I just decline, the same for (sex) chats. Just not my thing, no time free for engaging.

It's probably true across the board--including this site--that for every man claiming he's a nice guy, that not all men are like that, there's a dozen women rolling their eyes.

Because it's not all men. Nobody said it was.

But it's too many men. All the women say that.

It's enough men to make us afraid or uncomfortable.

It's so many men that all of us have experienced it.

And that makes it a man problem, not our problem.

Women have to protect themselves

Until men police themselves.

Men have to police themselves better.

And sometime they need to police one another.

Nor, for that matter with male members requesting/offering dick pics out of the blue. Such (inappropriate?) things happen to male members, but I don't think it's anything to be upset about when on a sex dedicated site.

When the rules clearly say...

Do Not...

• Send unsolicited PMs, Spamming other members with private messages is unacceptable. Please respect that some members are not interested in chat. It's ok to ask a member, once, if they are interested in chatting or being friends, but do not send graphic or abrupt messages requesting or offering intimate contact to members who have not expressly indicated their interest, either in their profile, on the forum, or privately. "Hey, let's chat about ______! I like _____. Do you like ______? Have you ever had a guy give you an _____? I can give you an _____! I would love to give you an _____ babe! Do you have a boyfriend?" Users who ignore this will have their ability to send and receive

Kink/fetish site or not...be polite and respectful of others!!! Read their profile first. Read some of their posts. Ask if they would like to chat by saying "Hi/Hello would you like to chat?"

Don't start with "I want to shove my cock/fingers, toy up you (insert body hole).". It isn't going to go well for you most of the time.

When the rules clearly say...Kink/fetish site or not...be polite and respectful of others!!! Read their profile first. Read some of their posts. Ask if they would like to chat by saying "Hi/Hello would you like to chat?"

Don't start with "I want to shove my cock/fingers, toy up you (insert body hole).". It isn't going to go well for you most of the time.

That is not how I have received pm messages ... no one has pm'd me things in that manner. Nor have I ever been bothered afterwards.

I was simply saying that receiving pm's that are not your thing, happens to men too.

@agracier I like you. You mean well. You also don’t get it. Take the number of unsolicited dick pics you’ve gotten and multiply that by 100. You’re a man. You don’t live your life knowing that close to 50% of the population can overpower you and force you to engage in coitus and that, in the US it will happen to 18% of women. In parts of Africa it will happen to all women. You’ve never been catcalled, boxed in, leered at and propositioned by strangers. “Oh I wouldn't mind that,” you may say, but YOU don’t have to worry about them not taking no for an answer. You don’t run the risk of having a stranger plant a child inside of you whether you want it or not and, depending on where you live, not being able to do anything about it.

You’re a moderator and I respect that. You are a good man and I respect that too. You have a tendency to use your own reaction as a yardstick for measuring whether or not someone is overreacting and that’s a logical error as you don’t have the same life experiences as others, specifically women.

All we are asking is that you listen to us when we say we don’t want something and NOT pat us on the head and tell us we’re being unreasonable.

That is not how I have received pm messages ... no one has pm'd me things in that manner. Nor have I ever been bothered afterwards.

I was simply saying that receiving pm's that are not your thing, happens to men too.

Well you are a man @agracier so it is different for you but ladies' bad experiences of being on Zity should not be played down just because you have not had trouble. They are not exaggerations, they are true.

That is not how I have received pm messages ... no one has pm'd me things in that manner. Nor have I ever been bothered afterwards.

@agracier I have received 2 unsolicited, unasked for inappropriate messages in the last month. I, like @Nurse_Phillips and @Amethyst, don't appreciate a male telling me that...

...it's anything to be upset about when on a sex dedicated site.

Politeness carries into the fetish/kink world as well. Being inappropriate isn't to be expected nor acceptable behavior. It will not be condoned here either.

Listening to other concerns and opinions can be considered polite as well.

You’re a man. You don’t live your life knowing that close to 50% of the population can overpower you and force you to engage in coitus and that, in the US it will happen to 18% of women.

All we are asking is that you listen to us when we say we don’t want something and NOT pat us on the head and tell us we’re being unreasonable.

90% of the population, you included could overpower me in nothing flat. You wouldn't even break out in a sweat and you could outwalk me before I could get 10 meters far. Been like that for decades.

Nor have I patted anyone on the head and said women are unreasonable. Show me where I have written that. People of all genders don't seem to be able to read what is written without inferring all kinds of exaggerations. Being precise about what others write is also a form of politeness.

Case in point. This thread has 582 views. How many actual different people commented? A dozen or so. It’s like an iceberg with a lot of the jerks below the surface.

Those unpolite and rude people doesn't read such threads nor thinking about their behaviors. 😉

@agracier you’re quite capable of generalizing when it suits you, don’t be coy.

Sure. You’re incapable now. Women have always been smaller and weaker than men and will continue to be so it forms how we look at the world.

Nor, for that matter with male members requesting/offering dick pics out of the blue. Such (inappropriate?) things happen to male members, but I don't think it's anything to be upset about when on a sex dedicated site. I just decline, the same for (sex) chats. Just not my thing, no time free for engaging.

That is you patting us on the head telling us we’re overreacting. YOU don’t think it’s anything to be upset about. You’re using your experiences to contradict multiple women telling you it’s upsetting. You’re invalidating our experiences because you personally don’t believe it’s a big deal. That’s upsetting, doubly so in someone in a position of power.

I can honestly attest to being treated the same way by women, regardless of how gently or guardedly a man attempts to open a discussion... I rarely make an effort anymore for that reason and I remember a time years back when it wasn't like this.

I'm just going to chime in with some unique lived experience that should be enlightening here.

I'm a trans woman so my experience is different than most people's, but its given me some interesting perspective.

The big example im going to give us that before I started presenting as my true self I never felt someone was going to assault me outside a club.

A few months on estrogen and a wardrobe change later and I had some experiences that made me start carrying a handgun.

The amount of random straight men who follow me on fetlife is ridiculous, and that's after I hid anything explicit most of which I posted pre transition.

I've taken to posting a reminder every few weeks that I greatly prefer other trans girls and I'm not intrested, not sure it actually does anything, I partially do it beacuse it amuses my trans freinds.

But long rambling post aside, the point is I am someone who has been seen as both man and woman, and dudes got creepier after I started estrogen

I can honestly attest to being treated the same way by women, regardless of how gently or guardedly a man attempts to open a discussion... I rarely make an effort anymore for that reason and I remember a time years back when it wasn't like this.

I believe you. I think what you’re experiencing is the culmination of years of bad internet behavior on the part of men. Women get bombarded with unsolicited propositions online. Hell I have randos sending me dick picks in a KNITTING GROUP.

These people react to anything other than a harsh ‘no’ as ‘I’ve still got a shot’ so women become harsher. Yes it wasn’t like this years ago. It’s a shame that it’s gotten to this point.

@Nurse_Phillips The knitting group made my day, I started thinking about women threatening exhibitionists with knitting needles.

@Jacana its truly ridiculous being a woman online. The amount of random sexual harassment is amazing when you stop and think about it. For many of us it’s a ‘boil the frog’ situation - ie it’s been what it is for so long we just accept as something that happens. Basically what working in an office was like 25 years ago.

Hey Jacana, do you suppose they will need a permit to carry the needles also???

Hey Jacana, do you suppose they will need a permit to carry the needles also???

Only in Massachusetts

Right now as I'm adding this note..... no one is in the chat rooms getting familiar with one another....

you want to meet somebody you want to be friendly......... join in the chat room.......... you'll get to know a lot of people...........

I've only been here a few weeks......... there's a lot of good people out there....Or I should say on Ziti..... women and men

believe it or not actually the men are very caring when woman come into a chat room............Sometimes we do get carried away but a lot of it is within Jess... or should I say fun...................

actually there's also a lot of politeness from what I've seen............The men are definitely not trying to drive off the women.... mostly with a comments or complements that they give each other..........

Join in be a part of the club............... after all you've made it this far................😉