Whatever happened to politeness?

I joined ZB in the hope of making friends and exchange experiences. So far I feel like the kid in the playground who is watching established little groups and being sidelined.

I have made a few "friends" on here,but despite polite follow up emails from me, I hear nothing back or get ghosted.

We are all human, even if we are a bit kinky, but common politeness surely should exist. If someone doesn't want to exchange messages via DM or mail, fair enough, but perhaps have the decency to say something rather than be blanked.

You are right

@GlycerinMan That's unfortunate to hear. I too am quite a newbie. I have made a few online friends and do participate in discussions, comment on some photo displays and short stories. Maybe too much so in some peoples' view but I'm making up for lost time. I have found this to be the best way of making connections here. I looked at the site for some time before joining. Like any large group, real life and online, there are cliques, And longtime members tend to have higher rankings than newbies. I could see this by reading Zity.biz from day 1. Not saying it's a bad thing .More just a reality. When I joined I didn't really have high expectations about making a bunch of friends let alone meeting a real life playmate. I have been selective in choosing who to ask to be online friends but tend to be accepting of others' requests. That way ,i don't feel shut out. Some folks here have been members since the site began so it doesn't surprise me some of them are quite tightly knit. Kinda like high school .You have to earn your way into the in crowd. In the case of Enemas, that means logging at least 2500 soapy ones. LOL Hang in there. There is a wealth of knowledge on here and some fine people. Takes time.

Thankyou. Your response has given me hope.👍

For whatever it's worth--maybe nothing--women who come here are the recipients of a lot of unwanted contact from men, especially if they don't know how to block messaging or didn't bother to figure it out.

In my experience, about 80% of those messages are perfectly pleasant, despite being unwanted. And about 20% are crude or sexual.

I think I replied to one, maybe two. Was I rude? Not at all. I don't owe anyone a reply when I didn't ask for contact.

If you were having an exchange with someone and they just stopped participating, that's different. However--and I don't know what was said or anything--it's possible that something said made the other person uncomfortable enough to decide not to continue. Or they decided things were becoming too heated and they chose not to proceed. Or they're not enjoying the exchange very much. Or they're just plain busy.

Basically, I don't think people with whom we exchange messages online owe us replies, although we love to get them.

@PinotNoir Good point. The gender factor is very noticeable on Zity.biz .Not sure about the numbers but women are in the numerical minority as are Transsexuals. I'm sure women do get a lot of unwanted male attention. They do in other male dominated environments,as well. Seems to me, and I stand corrected, that, at least in the postings under ENEMAS and ASS PLAY, the only 2 sections I visit, many of the ladies that post are in relationships .This may deter some from befriending guys online. Female members likely get more friendship requests as well. Their postings certainly attract a LOT more likes. Check it out. Doesn't seem to me it matters what is posted .If posted by a lady member the likes are usually in the double digits. I would be interested to hear what non male members think about the Gender effect on Ziyu.biz ?

...common politeness surely should exist. If someone doesn't want to exchange messages via DM or mail, fair enough, but perhaps have the decency to say something rather than be blanked.

That would be a considerate thing to do, say you don't want to message. Politeness is a two way street. Be polite in your message. Be patient while waiting for a reply. Be sure to check when the member was last online. Not everyone visits Zity.biz daily. My reason for not answering, many times, is I have limited online time and answering "Hey there chicky!" messages is not at the top of my list.

...women who come here are the recipients of a lot of unwanted contact from men, especially if they don't know how to block messaging or didn't bother to figure it out.

@PinotNoir That could be a possibility. Too many looking for a way to get their pleasures from whom ever they feel they can message.

I have been a member here for 14 years but not really active for the first few. Since then I'm pleased to say I made one real friend, who sadly departed some five years or more back, & hope that I may be well on the way to making another good friend. There are also quite a lot of people here I am also on friendly terms with & often exchange views, ideas & humour. Although I have only experienced it a couple of times it is sad to record, like much else in life, that there are a very small minority if individuals whose conduct can be quite toxic, especially I think towards the women here. I understand 'No' means exactly what it says & if I can't think of something nice or positive to say I try to shut the fuck up. I hope I succeed most of the time 😃

Sorry to hear that @BigBM . As others have said a lot of people are busy with work and life in general and don't always have time to get back to messages as soon as we would like.

Hang in there. City has some good people and I am sure you will click with someone.

JIM.

@LordJim2 Appreciated. 👍

@MissStress

Well said! Thank you for your input!

I appreciate politeness but IRL not everyone is. Same with Zity. I’ve made some lovely connections here, though even some of those people bail from a chat without saying goodbye, which I find rude. I’ve cut a chat short but I try to t least say BYE. Also I’ve had several friend requests go ignored, and some messages too. But real life is the same.

Overall Zity is a positive place but it did take time to connect with people.

@GraceT Really appreciate your comment. I think maybe things are starting to improve and I think I now have 4 or 5 friends on here which I treasure.

It's like anything in life where there's always an element that spoils something a bit like wasps at a picnic. I guess. Anyway sorry to hear of your experiences and naturally understand your reluctance to engage with some folk.

As i‘ve seen zity.biz is a very cultured place.

Yes, it‘s like anywhere, some get more attraction, other less, but overall it‘s not that bad as on other platfoms.

No, I gave too many men here the time of day and it almost always immediately turned creepy with pressure to exchange real world contact info or offers to buy my panties or something. So now if I haven’t already talked to you when you try to friend request or DM, I’m not responding and if you’re creepy out the gate you get blocked. It’s just how it is, and if that’s unfortunate for the small percentage of men who aren’t creeps, well, I have to look out for number one.

I’ve had some friendly conversations with a couple of zity members, some have been very rude to me, and others ghosted me upon trying to start a conversation with them. On any online forum, you’re going to meet a variety of personalities. It’s not any different than meeting someone in person. Unfortunately, politeness is not common today.

I’m with @VermouthEnemaKatie. I’ve made it clear on my profile that I don’t wish to DM, that if I do, I’ll initiate, and that in the unlikely event I do decide to DM with you, it’s not going to be sexual, yet I still get guys trying to shoot their shot. Some are obvious copy/pastes and I ignore those. Some put effort in and those I respond to. Usually when that happens, ie i respond, after a few notes the guy turns it sexual. When i decline his overture i usually (but not always, there are some nice guys out there) get some form of hurt or anger back. Like, I have been crystal clear I don’t want sex chat, I’m not interested in enemas or being your mommy so why get upset when I do exactly what I said I was going to do? So why aren’t people more polite? Because others have ruined it by being impolite. Why put in the effort when you have a better than 50% chance of getting attitude back?

Some men go straight into asking sexual questions, not even a "hello, are your interests like mine?" said first. Even moderators some times get messages like that from the ones who can only type with one hand. A lot of men get a bit too excited and a few are just creepy but they spoil it for the men who are ok because it makes ladies defensive, and then those ladies just do not let anybody send messages to them at all and it is a shame.

for the small percentage of men who aren’t creeps ...

Seriously? That is not a charitable or polite way to generalize.

Seriously? That is not a charitable or polite way to generalize.

Yet an accurate one for many women’s internet experience.

Some men go straight into asking sexual questions, not even a "hello, are your interests like mine?" said first. Even moderators some times get messages like that from the ones who can only type with one hand. A lot of men get a bit too excited and a few are just creepy but they spoil it for the men who are ok because it makes ladies defensive, and then those ladies just do not let anybody send messages to them at all and it is a shame.

@Amethyst and @Nurse_Phillips, I feel badly that ladies feel that way. I am sure that sadly, it is justified. It matters not that we are on a site that obviously is about our kinks. Everyone should be treated with respect. Always. I also understand @agracier, who is clearly not one of the creeps. I like to think I am in that group of gents too. What is the percentage of fellas who treat the ladies with less respect than they deserve? 1% would be too high, but I am sure that the percentage is frieghtfully high. Sorry ladies. 😩

We all should be respectful, understanding, and tolerant of each other on a site like this, but I know that isn't always the case. Men need to approach women here respectfully and realize that not everyone wants to chat and interact with you in the manner that you want. No means no. I would hope that ladies here don't automatically paint all men with the same broad brush, but I do understand how bad past experiences can make one wary. A little kindness and civility go a long way for everyone....

I also understand @agracier, who is clearly not one of the creeps. I like to think I am in that group of gents too.

Some of the men on Zity are lovely @MarcNY and I think you are one of those. 🌹 But some men do not know how to be like that and they make everything worse for the ones who are ok.

What is the percentage of fellas who treat the ladies with less respect than they deserve? 1% would be too high, but I am sure that the percentage is frieghtfully high. Sorry ladies. 😩

Well I hope the impolite ones have not got a very big percentage but some times they make trouble with different ladies so maybe not very many men are making a lot of the problems.

I do not think just stopping chats without saying "goodbye" or "see you later" or something like that is ok either. It is just rude and probably quite a lot of members do it.

And it is not ok if men get mad if a female member tells them they are not interested in what they are interested in. And it is no good either if men expect female members to always be available to chat, and when ladies do not answer just when they want, demand to know why not. It is not polite to do that.

What @Amethyst said. I think there are some very nice men on this site, I probably wouldn’t stick around if it weren’t so but the % who are nice, who are active and try to get to know women members on the forums and forge friendships are a rather small % of the actual site membership. I’m talking about the accounts who have like 3 posts and who lurk the DM space like a shark in the shallows.

Case in point. This thread has 582 views. How many actual different people commented? A dozen or so. It’s like an iceberg with a lot of the jerks below the surface.

Some men go straight into asking sexual questions, not even a "hello, are your interests like mine?" said first. Even moderators some times get messages like that from the ones who can only type with one hand. A lot of men get a bit too excited and a few are just creepy but they spoil it for the men who are ok because it makes ladies defensive, and then those ladies just do not let anybody send messages to them at all and it is a shame.

It is amazing how often that happens. It depends on the day how impolite I might respond to those PM's which points out the rules and sending unsolicited messages. Then before sending the message I edited out my bad day response to be a better, more informative message.

Women you can always report the "one handed typers" so moderation can look into the member. If they are not reported, with appropriate messages included, then they can continue doing the same to others. That is the behavior moderation wants to stop.

It isn't hard to be polite to others. Some just can not figure out how to do that.

This issue may be a microcosm for a bigger problem of how men see and treat women in today’s world. I’ll explain, but first-

For the guys: trust women, and listen to them. They are saying men are being impolite or downright creepy on zity, and we need to hear that truth and respect the observation, even if it means looking inward to see if we were ever that guy. Hard pill to swallow, but we ALL can do better. Let’s be introspective and hear the ladies out.

Women can be anything they want to be, and actively seek out life goals or passions just like their male counterparts. They are more than just a vehicle for sexual fantasies, and for sure not just a tool for you to use for your sexual gratification. They want to have their wishes met, and get equal pleasure from encounters. They want friendly conversations so they know you’re more than just another creep, that you’re safe as a potential person they meet in real life, and that you’re compatible in more ways than shared kinks. This isn’t hard.

Just because we are on a sexually oriented site, doesn’t mean we go from 0 to 60. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you, and what’s good for the goose is good for the gander is a good starting paradigm. I hope I never have been that guy, and if I found out I was, changes would be made to rectify the issue going forward.

There is a disturbing greater-picture trend I see normalizing these thoughts and opinions about women, even in the vanilla world. Men saying it’s “gay” to go down on a lady or get her off when they want it done to them. It’s hypocritical and makes zero sense. They say it’s less manly if you please a woman and enjoy all her holes (anal with woman is also gay according to them).

When I grew up, the guy that got the ladies off at a high level was considered a stud, and he didn’t have to brag about being sexually adept because the ladies did the talking for him. He treated women with respect and was rewarded with good reviews from past lovers, but now that guy is considered a cuck. How things have changed.

In the end, we should all make women feel welcome here, not just because we want more potential play partners in the pool, but because everyone deserves to feel safe, respected, and more important than just their fetishes on a kink site.

Ladies, let me know if I’m wrong.

This is a topic that I've never found that merits the strong opinions that lots of internet folks have about it.

First off you need to weed out the HNG. ....a very old term = (H)orny (N)ewsgroup (G)eeks. The name goes way back to Usenet, but HNG adapt to new tech too. These are the people of either sex that are looking only for a masturbatory aid. It usually takes only one or two exchanges to recognize these worthless creeps and one more to politely decline them.

After that I can't recall any bad experiences. I've met a few folks that for one reason or another we don't click. They were not horrible people, we just didn't see the world the same way and never become "fast friends." Sure I know some folks that have been taken in by a creative creeper, but for the most part if you put forth the same effort to get acquainted with someone online as you would with a person you met on the street, you are going to have similar results.

Particularly in a special interest group like zity, a kind of initial closeness springs up simply because this is a safe place to talk with others about things that are not mentioned in "polite society" ....what ever that is. Moving along through that and on to really knowing the person has always resulted in finding some great friends.

Men saying it’s “gay” to go down on a lady or get her off when they want it done to them. It’s hypocritical and makes zero sense. They say it’s less manly if you please a woman and enjoy all her holes (anal with woman is also gay according to them).

That’s totally incongruous to what I think, manly (most)men want to please their women. Going down on a woman is the furthest thing from being cast as gay. Some men (as well as women) are only concerned about their pleasure I think they are in a minority it’s pleasurable to me to get my wife off plus it pays off in spades!

I have been here on zity for about 15 years & increasingly active during that time. I have made several good friends with whom I am happy to exchange ideas, fantasies & erotic thoughts but sometimes just stuff about everyday life. I hope that with everyone I have been involved with here I have managed to be polite & friendly even when it turns out our interests are different. Sadly to a lesser degree, like the ladies here, I have also encountered a few less than nice people who happily have either disappeared or been removed. If you can't think of something nice to say don't say anything 😶