Ladies, when did you know you liked ladies?

I’m curious to hear all of your stories and experiences about when you figured out that you liked or preferred the company of other women. Or maybe your first time with another woman. ☺️

Mine is pretty unremarkable, and didn’t really involve any particular experience. But I will share if someone would like me to.

I was young. I have told this story before about hearing my sister moan because she would be masturbating and we shared a room. At first, I thought she was having nightmares until I actually saw her naked on top of the covers. Mom and Dad were gone and I had been at a friend's. I was supposed to spend the night but her father got sick and they were taking him to the hospital, he had a heart condition. They let me out at the end of our driveway. We lived in what was a tiny town then but it is huge now. Anyway, as soon as I opened the screen door and the regular door I waved to let them know I was in and they left. I heard the same moaning I had heard many times at night. I got to our bedroom door and it was opened a little. (we did that so we would hear if Mom and Dad drove into the carport and we were talking on the phone etc.) But I was let off at the edge of the driveway. When I got in and heard the moans I walked to our bedroom and the door was open a little. My sister was naked on top of the blankets masturbating. I watched until she noticed me and freaked out for a second and then she told me to come in. She told me to sit beside her and watch. She said that all big girls do it. Then she talked me into taking all of my clothes off. Then she showed me where to touch. Yes, she took her finger and placed it there on me and then she got it wet by touching between my legs and then back up. I was a little freaked out for a minute but it felt good and she said that she and all her friends did it. So I started doing it too. See she knew that if she got me to do it also I would not tell. After that experience, I had to tell and show my best friend. Then I would also smell the scents and eventually taste what was on my fingers. But I never let my best friend or sister go beyond my hymen. But I knew I liked girls and wanted more. Also I never told my sister or best friend that I was smelling my fingers and tasting them.

I’ve always thought women were beautiful.

I don’t want to look at pics of naked men on here as much as I want to look at the girls.

I never thought a woman could make me wet until I met @cal1082

However. I’m very much in love with men.

Since puberty hit me I liked both boys and girls. I didn't really think you were *supposed* to like one or the other. I guess I was more attracted to something which was apart from gender...some people just give me a certain feeling, arousal, curiosity, doesn't matter if they're male or female. I was undressing in my mind and fantasizing about classmates from middle school onwards, boys and girls both, also a certain female teacher. No male teachers though, ha ha.

From the moment I was sexually awakened I found everyone attractive. But going to a single-sex school for most of my schooling, my first recollections of seeing another person and thinking “whoa 😳” were fellow girls. My first sexual experience with another person was with a friend from school and it was amazing. My mother was a prude and never talked about masturbation with my sister or I, so the day my friend taught me a few things changed my life.

I’ve had many partners sexually and romantically of all genders since, and honestly, most of the mind breaking amazing sex has always been with other women.

But I do have different sexual interests with women than I do with men.

Honestly there was no real ‘revelation’ for me, I’ve always found individuals more attractive than a particular gender. What was a revelation was that I wasn’t SUPPOSED to feel that way. I can remember sneaking into (well we didn’t have to sneak per se but you know what I mean) the adult movies downtown with some of my friends and the other girls going ‘ew’ at the girl/girl scenes. I went along with them but inside I was like ‘holy shit that’s hot’. To this day I find naked women more attractive than naked men.

My first time was in university. I was seduced by the RA of my dorm, I was 19 at the time. Been drinking, came in late and was making too much noise and woke Shelly the RA. She was a PhysEd grad student, a big girl. We had drinks together and, well I am submissive and she was a "take charge" type and we ended up in her bed. With her I learned a lot about my body and what gives me pleasure and how to give pleasure to another woman. I love being with a woman as much as I do being with a man, and one of my favorite things is to serve a couple and have the best of both.

My real awakening, except for taking necessary enemas from my older sister was with my college roommate. I had just taken a shower and was drying off when she walked in the bathroom, looked in my eyes, cupped my pussy with her hand for just a second and walked out. I really didn't know what to think or how I felt about it. Thinking about it for several hours, I stripped off my clothes, put on a dressing gown and asked her if she would like to do that again. She didn't say anything, just extended her arm. gently stroked my thighs and slowly slid a finger into me, I was already wet. We only had a few weeks of college left to play, but we made the most of them.

I always knew I loved women. But I didn’t understand what was happening until I was in high school and developed an obsession with Angelina Jolie. I also had girlfriends in college. Then I tried to be straight for most of my adult life and then I found myself not being attracted to men anymore throughout my 30s. About 2-3 years ago, I started dating and having relationships with women and non binary people only.

I'm not exactly sure. I've always known that I liked girls, but quickly noticed that girls are supposed to like boys, not other girls, so I spent my childhood feeling a little weird, like I was different.

It's only at age 12 though that I learned that being a lesbian was a thing and still it took me a long time to accept it. I tried several times to straighten myself out, nearly dated a guy at a distance in my early 20s but the idea that I'd be having sex with him was revolting, and the idea of marrying a man has always filled me with sorrow, if I were to marry one I'd constantly be longing to date a woman. I broke it off within a couple days at most and I still feel bad about having led him on. Considered conversion therapy, tried to figure out the how and why I "turned out this way" and tried dildos too to "get myself used to dick", but looking back, there's no way a truly bisexual or straight woman would do that. There's no changing of what you're attracted to. You're gay Hi'iaka, you'll never have an easy dating life like most women your age, nevermind you're already playing life on hard mode, deal with it. It wasn't really pleasurable, anyway.

I had a friend clock me at age 8-9 though, apparently I drew a big heart with the name of a girl from the class above us in it outside a classroom, though I don't remember doing it at all. Even if she were to have made that up, that's definitely a big sign she had noticed I wasn't very straight, and when we'd hold hands sometimes, she'd say "we are not lesbians" and let go of it. Said friend was hell into boys bands to the point of having bedsheets of them lol, all the while I was calling our male friend to talk about whether he found this or that actress beautiful. That already was a sign...

Men, just leave this topic alone please. It was written for LADIES. It is not ok if men post on it and say what they would think if they had been a woman.

I wish there was a women only space either here or on another platform. I feel like conversations between women in forums always get invaded by men and we don’t want that kind of attention at all. It’s very annoying to be excited to see notifications or responses and not a single one of them is from a woman.

I always found other girls interesting already when I was a young girl but I had a "normal" life got married and have 2 wonderful daughters

However within the past 10-15 years my lesbian side are through more and more and broke up with my husband 10 years ago and thats when I found out I am a lesbian and enjoy it ever since

Well, it really is pretty unremarkable because it’s always been my default setting. I was just reading through all the replies and am sometimes kindof jealous that I didn’t have some pinnacle moment or awakening, but I guess I got to have those with all of my fetishes.

I’ve always presented very feminine. Someone who didn’t know me very well might even refer to me as a girly-girl, although sometimes I feel like I’m maybe more “male-brained” than the typical woman. But I always loved having bows in my hair, doing my nails and makeup, wearing skirts and dresses and just generally looking pretty, and I had a great fascination with pretty things. So, as I got older and hit puberty that’s just where my sexual energy got directed for whatever reason. I remember having a few crushes in elementary school and it was always the girls I thought were the prettiest, never boys. I never had any interest in men from that perspective, and even as I got older I never felt weird about it but I did decide in high school to kindof intentionally “give it a shot” and I remember my first kiss with a man and subsequently us both attempting oral was just… not hitting right. It wasn’t even his fault really, he didn’t do anything wrong and was probably one of the most gentlemanly guys I’d ever gotten that close to. But the feelings I had I imagine were something similar to what a straight person might feel if they were trying that with someone of the same sex. I didn’t have much physical attraction, and I’ve never wanted the male energy in that type of way.

I never talked about my sex life with my mom, despite how close we were/are. I’m not sure if she ever knew or figured out along the way that I was batting for the other team, but she has met my current girlfriend and I just acted like everything was completely normal. To my surprise, she was relatively accepting. She’s never made me feel like my lifestyle is wrong or whatever despite her being from a very traditional culture. I do sometimes feel a bit guilty that I’ll never give her grandchildren, but I think her priority in moving to the US was to give both her and I a more secure existence and so maybe my accomplishments are good enough, I hope.

Maybe I turned out this way because my dad was literally never in the picture? Maybe because my only real role model was my mom? Idk. I’ve met some other gays and lesbians who tell me their story and I’m like “yeah, I think I know what flipped the switch” because - at risk of being controversial here - I don’t actually believe that we’re all born like this. I think some are, but my experiences have taught me that some are conditioned into it and a few even make a deliberate choice - not that that invalidates them in any way. I’ve just never been able to identify any moment like that for me in my life. I’ve just always much, much preferred the attention of other girls and found them to be massively more physically and emotionally attractive.

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@PutMeInTheCorner

Thank you so much for sharing your story of discovery as you learned who you are, and who and what you like.

I’m sure many others on Zity will enjoy reading your post that I unequivocally declare is “remarkable.”

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Well, for a very long time I just didn't care about men. But I thought that it would just eventually happen some day, I'd get to know a handsome boy, he'd be my boyfriend, after a few years we'd marry and have children.

I did know about homosexuality, but it wasn't present in my day to day life, so it never occurred to me that I could be lesbian.

Until I was in high school. My (female) best friend is very touchy and holds hands whenever she walks with a good friend. One day while walking through the city and holding hands, I started to realise that the deep affection for her and my excitement about us holding hands might not be normal friendship anymore...

Since then I've had a crush on multiple girls. However, it's still a bit confusing for me to distinguish between close female friends and romantic attraction, as I don't experience it very strong.

Always liked boys and girls both since puberty, but when I was younger I recall being very entranced by a friend of my mother's, a neighbor woman who was often at our house. Once puberty hit, that interest transformed into fantasies and sexual interest. I never dared make my feelings known to her, and the relationship was always platonic and I'm sure she never considered me anything but one of the kids in the neighborhood. TBH I still think about her.

I had to figure out the being a girl part before I could figure out that liking girls was inherently gay for me.

But I've been attracted to girls all my life but it always felt off, like it wasn't typical hetero attraction, I figured out I wasn't a cis man in early adulthood, but it took me until 2023 to fully hatch and realize that I'm a girl who likes girls.

It happened at the age of 14. Until that age, I was sure that I was a heterosexual, but after 14 I got hooked on lesbian porn (I still watch it).Then I began to notice that I was very attracted to my friends' butts. I started to squint at them, masturbate on their butts. I think that was the beginning. I think that's when I realized that it's not just boys that attract me.

I fell in love with my teacher. 40 years old mommy, but damn pretty, a truly perfect woman

Okay! Well, it really is pretty unremarkable because it’s always been my default setting. I was just reading through all the replies and am sometimes kindof jealous that I didn’t have some pinnacle moment or awakening, but I guess I got to have those with all of my fetishes.

...

@PutMeInTheCorner

Thanks for posting this, we definitely have some similarities. I also feel like I am "male-brained" sometimes, have you ever done the 'big 5' personality test? My scores are closer to a typical extrovert male, slightly higher agreeableness but far lower than the median female score. I am also close to typical male score for neuroticism. I am competitive, driven, not massively emotional. I grew up with a lot of male friends, I liked doing "boy stuff" like building dens, playing sports. But I had a girly side too, especially after puberty started. I was a bit of a late bloomer but loved getting attention from boys in my school once it started. My early sexuality was 100% straight, I never even gave girls/women a second thought. There was no questioning, nothing at all. But what stuck out from your post was the comments about "flipping the switch" and your comments about "being conditioned into it and a few making a deliberate choice", I have had flack for saying things like this before in LGBT circles but it always felt right to me, because I think my sexuality changed due to my experiences around the age of 16-17, particularly my first boyfriend, who I really fancied - he was good looking, slim, toned, nice hair, funny, popular. But while I loved making out with him, sneaking around and stuff like that, the foreplay and sex was just bad. It was so disappointing after I had built it up in my head that it was going to be something incredible. Nothing he did felt any more than vaguely good, slightly uncomfortable. I still looked forward to it and enjoyed the closeness etc but there was always that feeling afterwards, I felt a bit let down than he wasn't focussed on making me feel good. Not long after that I had my first experience with a girl, who was basically my new best friend after I started college. But I did not fancy her, I didn't think about her sexually, never once fantasized about her. We were just sharing a bed and she put the moves on me, I went along with it because I was probably slightly drunk and I did like her, I probably looked up to her a bit because she was a bit older and more experienced than me. That experience with her was everything I wanted the experience with my first boyfriend to be. Obviously I went back for more and it became regular, it was only after we'd been hooking up for a while that I found myself noticing other women and fantasizing. I then made the deliberate choice to pursue other women in my second year at college after she'd left, and then later when I was at university. I really do feel like these amazing sexual experiences during what a psychologist would describe as "formative years" as having re-wired my sexual desires. Obviously I get pushback on this, I was always bisexual and just didn't notice it, it was comp-het etc etc. But that explanation just doesn't sit as well with me.

I grew up in a fairly happy two parent household though, very typical parents in a socially conservative part of the country, he's the breadwinner, she's the homemaker etc. So it isn't to do with that, in my case anyway.

Obviously I do think a lot of gay or bisexual people are born that way, probably the vast majority. But I don't feel like that fits with my experiences.

And even more evidence this is possible, some of the other girls I've been with were similar to me, straight but 'it happened', they liked it and over time their desires changed.

@JT1999

I also feel like I am "male-brained" sometimes, have you ever done the 'big 5' personality test? My scores are closer to a typical extrovert male, slightly higher agreeableness but far lower than the median female score. I am also close to typical male score for neuroticism. I am competitive, driven, not massively emotional. I grew up with a lot of male friends, I liked doing "boy stuff" like building dens, playing sports.

I’ve not taken the test but I have heard of it. I’m fairly competitive and independent. Not afraid to get dirty or work with my hands. I’ve always enjoyed things that required strategic thinking like chess. I always appreciated non-fiction and my favorite subject in school was history. I would say that for the most part I’m not overly-emotional either. I can sometimes be a bit sensitive because I tend to be very sentimental, but I’ve never experienced or understood the emotional rollercoaster that some women seem to be on. My perception of the world is largely not dictated by my emotions, at least not to the same degree when I hear other women talk or see them act in those ways. Generally speaking, listening to a man explain something vs listening to a woman explain the same thing, the “male logic” mostly clicks better for me.

But what stuck out from your post was the comments about "flipping the switch" and your comments about "being conditioned into it and a few making a deliberate choice", I have had flack for saying things like this before in LGBT circles but it always felt right to me, because I think my sexuality changed due to my experiences around the age of 16-17

I’ve never appreciated how many people in “the community” can be so dogmatic about these things and I’ve never really felt represented there. The radical inclusivity is actually pretty exclusive.

I had a coworker at a previous job who was a pretty effeminate gay man. I asked him one day how or when he knew he was gay and the story he proceeded to lay out very clearly demonstrated that he was socialized exclusively with girls from an extremely early age and so he took that on. Then when he had his first kiss with a girl it wasn’t a good experience. It was very clear to me that he was conditioned into it essentially, and it’s okay to say that. It doesn’t make him any more or less gay or whatever. Nothing wrong with it. I don’t know if I was really “born this way” but I also really don’t care in a sense. I’m pretty aware of the fact that my mother being the type of woman she was and also the only real adult relationship in my formative years had an impact on my socialization, but I also remember feeling exclusively interested in girls from a very early age.

I grew up in a fairly happy two parent household though, very typical parents in a socially conservative part of the country, he's the breadwinner, she's the homemaker etc. So it isn't to do with that, in my case anyway.

This is kindof beside the point you’re making but this is another area where I tend to disagree with the “community.” I believe in traditional roles and think they’re fairly important. I think being raised by a pretty conservative parent from a fairly conservative country is partially responsible for instilling that in me. I never “missed” my dad not being around, and I never got the sense that my mother needed to have a man around (she was quite good at making up for it, pretty tough woman but also very lady-like) but I somehow picked up an ideal of what a man or father aught to be from not having one. I made it out well enough and like who I am, but I have no issue acknowledging that kids really do need and should have a mom and a dad. I think it’s also important to acknowledge that men and women are fundamentally different on a biological level and this contributes to us perceiving the world in different ways and having natural advantages and disadvantages. Doesn’t mean one is less than the other. We are both equally important halves to an ideal. That also doesn’t mean that all women and men have to uniformly be the same. Some people in both categories are more or less feminine or masculine versus the general rule and that’s okay too. I just don’t think the exception breaks the rule.

I think very informative and insightful responses from both @PutMeInTheCorner and @JT1999 . Thank you both for your inputs. Quite illuminating. I can certainly see where you are coming from.

@PutMeInTheCorner

I’ve not taken the test but I have heard of it. I’m fairly competitive and independent. Not afraid to get dirty or work with my hands. I’ve always enjoyed things that required strategic thinking like chess. I always appreciated non-fiction and my favorite subject in school was history. I would say that for the most part I’m not overly-emotional either. I can sometimes be a bit sensitive because I tend to be very sentimental, but I’ve never experienced or understood the emotional rollercoaster that some women seem to be on. My perception of the world is largely not dictated by my emotions, at least not to the same degree when I hear other women talk or see them act in those ways. Generally speaking, listening to a man explain something vs listening to a woman explain the same thing, the “male logic” mostly clicks better for me.I’ve never appreciated how many people in “the community” can be so dogmatic about these things and I’ve never really felt represented there. The radical inclusivity is actually pretty exclusive.

I actually did my degree in psychology, so I find all this really interesting. We actually didn't really go to a whole lot of depth about sexuality or gender identity, and what little we did felt very closed off from discussion. Actually a lot of the uni environment was heavy on group think, I tried but didn't end up staying involved in any LGBT groups despite being openly bisexual for the entire 3 years living away from home. Nowadays I am a bit less forward about it, I don't hide it but I don't shout it from the rooftops either. I totally agree on the exclusiveness of radical inclusivity (what a great line by the way) - by trying to include every identity-based sub-group, they've excluded individuals who don't fit the mold. I do wonder if the male-brain thing is relevant, does it come from socialisation with men? I don't think my upbringing was particularly masculine or feminine one way or the other. I was a gymnastics kid, so spent hours a week just with other girls, but I liked playing football with the boys at school too. As it happens, I have more female friends now but I do get on very well with manly men and love the no bullshit attitude they have. They're there to crack on, get the job done and there's no backstabbing, no deception, none of that social hierachy maneourvering stuff going on. I think that is why me and my husband hit off so well when we first met, he was older, quieter but far more confident and capable than men or women my age. I loved that we could have conversations about things that mattered instead of having conversations about what people got up to or said about other people.

I had a coworker at a previous job who was a pretty effeminate gay man. I asked him one day how or when he knew he was gay and the story he proceeded to lay out very clearly demonstrated that he was socialized exclusively with girls from an extremely early age and so he took that on. Then when he had his first kiss with a girl it wasn’t a good experience. It was very clear to me that he was conditioned into it essentially, and it’s okay to say that. It doesn’t make him any more or less gay or whatever. Nothing wrong with it. I don’t know if I was really “born this way” but I also really don’t care in a sense. I’m pretty aware of the fact that my mother being the type of woman she was and also the only real adult relationship in my formative years had an impact on my socialization, but I also remember feeling exclusively interested in girls from a very early age.This is kindof beside the point you’re making but this is another area where I tend to disagree with the “community.” I believe in traditional roles and think they’re fairly important. I think being raised by a pretty conservative parent from a fairly conservative country is partially responsible for instilling that in me. I never “missed” my dad not being around, and I never got the sense that my mother needed to have a man around (she was quite good at making up for it, pretty tough woman but also very lady-like) but I somehow picked up an ideal of what a man or father aught to be from not having one. I made it out well enough and like who I am, but I have no issue acknowledging that kids really do need and should have a mom and a dad. I think it’s also important to acknowledge that men and women are fundamentally different on a biological level and this contributes to us perceiving the world in different ways and having natural advantages and disadvantages. Doesn’t mean one is less than the other. We are both equally important halves to an ideal. That also doesn’t mean that all women and men have to uniformly be the same. Some people in both categories are more or less feminine or masculine versus the general rule and that’s okay too. I just don’t think the exception breaks the rule.

Yeah, my feelings now are that on an emotional level, I don't really care why I am like I am. I don't regret anything, I'm not upset about the outcome or my journey here. But while I don't really care, I do still really want to know why, what was the process? If only because I find it massively interesting and it is something I find myself thinking about when I can't sleep, like right now. Its nice to find someone who feels similar to me, because most other people staunchly defend the 'born this way' position (which is sensible given the history of homophobia). I remember a few years ago I was a bit more bothered by the not knowing, especially after I moved back home from uni and things were getting more serious with my now husband (who was more of a casual boyfriend at the time). I often thought like I was intentionally making the easy choice, maybe even letting myself down by getting with a guy despite having spent the last 4-5 years mostly seeing women. I am sure one or two of my friends thought that about me, but were too polite to say it. But I just never saw any of the other women I was involved with as a life partner/wife, and I couldn't imagine it happening for me even with some fantasy woman I was yet to meet either. I had lots of very good friends and a few still are, but I'm not sure I've ever been in love with a girl. There have been some insanely intense feelings, that seemed to come out of nowhere but none of those feelings ever seemed to last more than a month or two. One thing I'm sure of is that I really miss the sexual and physical side of it. It feels so rewarding to give pleasure to another woman, the little cues, the noises and how they move compared to a man is just in another league entirely, it melts my brain thinking about it. It is like art. But I just never managed to imagine marrying a woman or raising kids in a same sex relationship. It isn't that I disagree with those things either. I don't feel like I understand why I felt like that wasn't right for me despite like 90-odd percent of my sexual partners being female? Maybe it is biologically driven rather than something conscious? I would love to really understand how this all works. But the best I can do is to put my thoughts into words and hope it makes some sense to someone else.

@JT1999

Actually a lot of the uni environment was heavy on group think, I tried but didn't end up staying involved in any LGBT groups despite being openly bisexual for the entire 3 years living away from home. Nowadays I am a bit less forward about it, I don't hide it but I don't shout it from the rooftops either.

I'm the same way. I don't think I "present" as a lesbian in the way most people would recognize, both in how I dress and what information I choose to disclose. I've never felt ashamed of being gay or liking women, but I've never really advertised it either except to the those other girls who I had an interest in. Frankly I've never really been bothered by people who take a hard stance against it either. They're as entitled to their beliefs as anyone else and I've generally never ran into issues from that side. Authenticity means a lot to me so I just try to be myself. I'm sure to some people I might seem like a bit of a walking contradiction (Dress very feminine, but more generally male-oriented interests) but the people who tend to get onto me for that seem to be the same people who claim to speak for me just because of my sexual preferences and I don't appreciate that.

I do wonder if the male-brain thing is relevant, does it come from socialisation with men? I don't think my upbringing was particularly masculine or feminine one way or the other. I was a gymnastics kid, so spent hours a week just with other girls, but I liked playing football with the boys at school too.

I'm not sure in my case. I feel like its pretty innate to who I am, like I would have turned out this way regardless. My mom made it to the US when she was pregnant with me. I was born in Maryland and we lived there until the end of my 5th grade year. I had a small group of neighborhood friends, just a few girls and a couple of boys around my age. Occasionally there were other kids around but they weren't constants through that time. I only had a small number of school friends that I spent any time with outside of school. Looking back I don't feel like there were any major formative events that shaped who I was (in this context) from that time, except for probably the fact that the only real adult relationship I had was with my mom. Then we moved to Texas and that kindof turned my social life on its head. It took a couple of years to really start to connect with people and want to build close relationships again. I didn't really have any strong male figures around or male friends that I got close to until the very end of high school. I ran track in middle and high school and got along with those girls fine but for the most part never felt particularly close to most of them. So I guess all things considered, I feel like I was pretty well socialized with both boys and girls, I just always kept a small tight knit circle and didn't mind being on my own for large portions of my childhood. I can't really name any major influences one way or the other except my mom who was pretty traditional yet independent.

As it happens, I have more female friends now but I do get on very well with manly men and love the no bullshit attitude they have. They're there to crack on, get the job done and there's no backstabbing, no deception, none of that social hierachy maneourvering stuff going on.

Similar story for me. Joining the army really opened me up to appreciating that sort of attitude you described with men. I guess in some ways that reinforced a foundation that I sort of already possessed. I don't have a lot of tolerance for whining when it comes to either sex for example, and generally feel confused or frustrated if someone endlessly complains about a problem they have but seem to take no action to try and fix it (something I've definitely encountered more with women.) The older I've gotten though the more women I've met my age that are more emotionally mature so I feel like between my girlfriend and I we have a good healthy mix of male and female friends.

But while I don't really care, I do still really want to know why, what was the process? If only because I find it massively interesting and it is something I find myself thinking about when I can't sleep, like right now.

I think about it from time to time too, and you're right it is interesting. I think part of the reason of the reason I tend to handwave it away to some extent is because I've had negative experiences where a few individuals (from both sexes) were really more interested in figuring me out rather than just accepting me for being me. Like I was some sort of mythical creature. I've always been very content with who I am and have always felt like this is my default, but I've always had the awareness to also understand that not everyone else is like me.

...I just realized that probably sounds really arrogant. I don't mean it that way and hope it doesn't come across like that. Or rather I hope it makes sense.

I often thought like I was intentionally making the easy choice, maybe even letting myself down by getting with a guy despite having spent the last 4-5 years mostly seeing women. I am sure one or two of my friends thought that about me, but were too polite to say it. But I just never saw any of the other women I was involved with as a life partner/wife, and I couldn't imagine it happening for me even with some fantasy woman I was yet to meet either. I had lots of very good friends and a few still are, but I'm not sure I've ever been in love with a girl. There have been some insanely intense feelings, that seemed to come out of nowhere but none of those feelings ever seemed to last more than a month or two. One thing I'm sure of is that I really miss the sexual and physical side of it. It feels so rewarding to give pleasure to another woman, the little cues, the noises and how they move compared to a man is just in another league entirely, it melts my brain thinking about it. It is like art.

I know what you mean. A lot of my attempts to find a woman to have a serious relationship with were strange adventures in some way or another. At a certain point it had me questioning myself just a bit but I doubled down because I knew there just wasn't another option for me. I knew that's what I always wanted and it was just a matter of finding the right person and I happened to get really lucky. I'm sure it was different for me in some sense though because I never had any sort of physical or emotional attraction to men in that way, and the one time I went out on a limb and "tried it just to try it" it was just... Not doing anything for me, despite him being a pretty cool guy all around. I did fall in love with several girls before my current partner, a couple of which ended up cheating on me despite us agreeing to be monogamous. I totally understand what you're saying about the sexual and physical side too, and I don't think I could describe it any better. 😃

@PutMeInTheCorner

I'm not sure in my case. I feel like its pretty innate to who I am, like I would have turned out this way regardless.

That's where I'm different, I'm not sure that I would have turned out this way regardless. But it took me quite a long time to accept that I am "properly bisexual" now after going through a few years questioning things. While I am sure I am bisexual, I'm still not entirely convinced that I became bisexual rather than being that way all along. Maybe it needed to be both - the potential had to be there and the experience was needed to unlock it? I dunno.... It isn't a big part of how I see myself though, so it doesn't really matter.

My mom made it to the US when she was pregnant with me. I was born in Maryland and we lived there until the end of my 5th grade year. I had a small group of neighborhood friends, just a few girls and a couple of boys around my age. Occasionally there were other kids around but they weren't constants through that time. I only had a small number of school friends that I spent any time with outside of school. Looking back I don't feel like there were any major formative events that shaped who I was (in this context) from that time, except for probably the fact that the only real adult relationship I had was with my mom. Then we moved to Texas and that kindof turned my social life on its head. It took a couple of years to really start to connect with people and want to build close relationships again. I didn't really have any strong male figures around or male friends that I got close to until the very end of high school. I ran track in middle and high school and got along with those girls fine but for the most part never felt particularly close to most of them. So I guess all things considered, I feel like I was pretty well socialized with both boys and girls, I just always kept a small tight knit circle and didn't mind being on my own for large portions of my childhood. I can't really name any major influences one way or the other except my mom who was pretty traditional yet independent.Similar story for me. Joining the army really opened me up to appreciating that sort of attitude you described with men. I guess in some ways that reinforced a foundation that I sort of already possessed. I don't have a lot of tolerance for whining when it comes to either sex for example, and generally feel confused or frustrated if someone endlessly complains about a problem they have but seem to take no action to try and fix it (something I've definitely encountered more with women.) The older I've gotten though the more women I've met my age that are more emotionally mature so I feel like between my girlfriend and I we have a good healthy mix of male and female friends.

I love that you joined the army, how was that? I have a lot of respect for women in the military, I have thought that would have suited me instead of going to university. That was an experience I enjoyed but it hasn't opened any doors career-wise. I am a runner too, I was a nationally competitive gymnast in my school years and started fell running in my mid teens. I work in health & fitness now, I have been doing PT & weight loss coaching for a while now, it's quite eye-opening when it comes to attitude. So many people looking for easy answers or thinking that if they just spend £££s they can buy success and you just can't do that when it comes to having a good body - strength, endurance, flexibility, aesthetic. You literally cannot get the end result any way other than putting in the work, even if you are a millionaire you still need to put in the work just the same as if you have nothing. What's why I love it, it sorts the men from the boys!

I think about it from time to time too, and you're right it is interesting. I think part of the reason of the reason I tend to handwave it away to some extent is because I've had negative experiences where a few individuals (from both sexes) were really more interested in figuring me out rather than just accepting me for being me. Like I was some sort of mythical creature. I've always been very content with who I am and have always felt like this is my default, but I've always had the awareness to also understand that not everyone else is like me.... I just realized that probably sounds really arrogant. I don't mean it that way and hope it doesn't come across like that. Or rather I hope it makes sense.I know what you mean. A lot of my attempts to find a woman to have a serious relationship with were strange adventures in some way or another. At a certain point it had me questioning myself just a bit but I doubled down because I knew there just wasn't another option for me. I knew that's what I always wanted and it was just a matter of finding the right person and I happened to get really lucky. I'm sure it was different for me in some sense though because I never had any sort of physical or emotional attraction to men in that way, and the one time I went out on a limb and "tried it just to try it" it was just... Not doing anything for me, despite him being a pretty cool guy all around. I did fall in love with several girls before my current partner, a couple of which ended up cheating on me despite us agreeing to be monogamous. I totally understand what you're saying about the sexual and physical side too, and I don't think I could describe it any better. 😃

It doesn't sound arrogant. More like self-confident. I like that in people, there's nothing worse than someone who takes pride in being useless and doesn't want to fix it.

By the way, I didn't find it easy being with a man again. The sex is so different, it took me a while to really discover what I liked about it. I liked him a lot as a person, so that helped of course. And I really wanted to like it. But I don't think it came as naturally as it did with women.

@JT1999

That's where I'm different, I'm not sure that I would have turned out this way regardless. But it took me quite a long time to accept that I am "properly bisexual" now after going through a few years questioning things. While I am sure I am bisexual, I'm still not entirely convinced that I became bisexual rather than being that way all along. Maybe it needed to be both - the potential had to be there and the experience was needed to unlock it? I dunno.... It isn't a big part of how I see myself though, so it doesn't really matter.

I almost think that there's a perception issue in terms of us knowing for sure whether we are the chicken or the egg in all this. Kind of like how being the observer tends to effect things different in certain physics experiments... The male coworker I mentioned earlier insisted he was born that way - and who knows, maybe I'm totally wrong and he was - but at the same time it seemed so obvious to me that it was socialization... 🤷‍♀️ I think your idea about having both the potential and the experience is probably the most true for most people though.

I love that you joined the army, how was that? I have a lot of respect for women in the military, I have thought that would have suited me instead of going to university. That was an experience I enjoyed but it hasn't opened any doors career-wise.

The army was a love/hate relationship in a lot of ways. I was the in the reserves for 6 years, and I never deployed to an active combat zone or anything. My job was oriented towards analyzing maps and surveillance images from drones, planes, satellites, etc. and I really enjoyed that part. I appreciated the structure, culture, and the sense respect you feel for the country and society as a result. Simultaneously there was a lot of nonsense in certain areas and that could be very grating or annoying. I don't regret it at all though and am glad I did it. It kept me in shape too even though I did end up with injuries to both of my feet and knees at one point.

I had actually tried college for a number of semesters, kept changing my major and decided that it wasn't the environment for me.

I am a runner too, I was a nationally competitive gymnast in my school years and started fell running in my mid teens. I work in health & fitness now, I have been doing PT & weight loss coaching for a while now, it's quite eye-opening when it comes to attitude. So many people looking for easy answers or thinking that if they just spend £££s they can buy success and you just can't do that when it comes to having a good body - strength, endurance, flexibility, aesthetic. You literally cannot get the end result any way other than putting in the work, even if you are a millionaire you still need to put in the work just the same as if you have nothing. What's why I love it, it sorts the men from the boys!

Oh that's so cool! That must have been a ton of fun! Gymnasts have always amazed me. At one point when I was little my mom had given me a choice between ballet and gymnastics and I chose ballet but wish I had gone with gymnastics in hindsight. I still run 2-3 times a week, but I don't try to push myself as hard as I did in my 20s. You are so right about attitudes. People want a silver bullet, but even if you could have one I don't think it would be worth it because you would be missing out on all of the perspective and discipline you gain from putting in the work. Being an athlete (or even just having a regular routine) is much more than just taking care of your body. There are huge emotional and psychological benefits and I think a lot of people don't realize that or even want that - slaves to their passions so to speak. It's a sad reflection on society when most people aren't willing to sacrifice something in this moment to gain so much more in the future.

By the way, I didn't find it easy being with a man again. The sex is so different, it took me a while to really discover what I liked about it. I liked him a lot as a person, so that helped of course. And I really wanted to like it. But I don't think it came as naturally as it did with women.

My thing is I've never wanted the male energy in that way, if that makes sense. I have tremendous respect for men, their roles in society and I imagine it really isn't easy being the average, typical man; it's just difficult in ways that are different to the ways life is difficult for us as women. There is no bigger turn off or red flag for me than a woman who has real, deep seated hatred for men. But when it comes to sexuality... I've never wanted to encounter that "flavor"... It's kindof hard for me to describe without using some esoteric or archetypal language... That sort of "solar masculine" energy and vibe doesn't do anything for me, produces no physical or emotional stimulation... I can recognize a handsome man. I can respect his space and energy in every day interactions or in platonic friendships but it just does not stimulate me in that way. The female form, genitalia, general disposition, energy, and how she expresses and acts out in space have always been what does that for me.

I sortof want to ask what it was that you discovered that you liked so much, and how you got there just based on your story. Let me know if that's too much for a public thread.

@PutMeInTheCorner I'll message you

I’ve always like women more. I can’t remember a time or an awakening or anything like that. What was most confusing was that when I was growing up I didn’t really get that liking girls was a choice I could actually make. And I was a teenager in the 90s so maybe I was just sheltered. The part that was a big deal for me was finally feeling like I could admit it out loud and get into a relationship. Then I met my wife and the rest is history.

Most of my fetish things that I love happened that way. Spanking, anal play, medfet, enemas, so on. I can remember a time I didn’t know I liked them and thought about them all the time. But I didn’t realize that they were things I was allowed to like. But when I finally tried them it was like the light being turned on. No going back.